Naomi Black
I never really understood why I was put on this earth if all I did was hurt people with my presence and existence. I wish Cyrstal would've listened when they urged her to get the abortion. I wish I would've been put up for adoption. I wish that she would've been alive. I wish that he wouldn't have left. I wish that I hadn't let Matti down.
I was hurting everyone.
I was going to tell him—I tried, but he wouldn't let me speak. I understood why he was so upset. But it hurts when you never open up to people, and the first shot someone gets to have at you—they take it and throw it back in your face.
I didn't fall or crumple into the arms of my friends after he left my apartment.
I watched as he walked out of my door—It hurt. I was used to everyone always leaving, but not him. And my fears about him not liking me for who I actually was came true in that very moment.
I was the one that always left after arguments. He was the one that always came back to me, but this time it was different.
I wasn't a liar.
I just didn't want to tell him that I wasn't up to his level. I wasn't a pathetic little girl—I had gone through a lot. I had struggled with so much, he was someone I put my all into—I felt comfortable with him.
It had been two months since we met. Love had no time limit—but it did have an expiration date.
"Naomi—I swear. I said nothing." I can hear Blake's voice through my ears and I just nodded, not wanting to talk at this moment. Why would I want to talk? I was a dirty little liar.
"And dirty little liars don't deserve to talk" Matti's voice spoke in my ears.
God, the look on his face. I felt disgusted with myself. I hurt him so badly that it hadn't hit me the amount of animosity his words had. I detached myself from my body at that point. I just stared into his eyes, he watched as I silently cried. I didn't care to hear all of the mean words he was throwing at me.
I could tell they were vulgar and foul though—it was bad enough that Blake intervened.
I let out a sniffle as the girls turned to look at me. Blake slowly nodded his head, "Right, well. I'm going to head back to practice. If you need anything—" He cut himself off as Sloane gave him a look.
If you need anything.
He wanted to help me after I just destroyed his best friend? I let out another sniffle.
I wasn't present at that moment. I felt like I was floating above the mass chaos that I just caused. I caused all of my problems for myself. I caused everyone's problems.
If you need anything.
I was glad I wasn't present in my body because I knew that as soon as I was; it would be an instant attack.
I couldn't believe my dad. How could Coach set me up like that? It was going so good—how did it all go bad so fast? The storm and fire in his eyes. I caused that. I had seen that look once before.
It was my fathers eyes whenever we left my mom's funeral—it was the actualization that he was stuck with me forever.
But he wasn't, he pawned me off.
God—I can only imagine what he told Matti.
I know Matti and Matti had so much compassion for me before, he had to know why I was the way I was and why I felt the way I did. But then again I was the one who brought out the compassion in him—maybe this hurt him enough that he didn't have any feelings except hatred for me now.
He didn't want me to speak to him.
Look at him.
Sit by him.
He was so persistent to be with me before. I sniffled again.
I had taken advantage of him.
I wasn't weak or a pathetic girl for feeling this way—I just knew how much it hurt him. I knew what it was like to be lied to and let down, and I was no better than my father or anyone that had hurt me at this point.
I just didn't want him to know me because of my father. My father was not a good person—I never talked with my father, he didn't know me. I didn't feel the need or want to talk to anyone about my father.
I really fucked this all up.
Usually he was the one hurting me and chasing me, but I knew that I couldn't chase Matti. Because for every footstep I took after him, five hundred girls would be two steps ahead.
My dad had done what he does best; revenge. I had taken away his fairytale and so he felt the need to do the same to me.
But relationships like Matti and mine—they only happened in movies. In books—it was all fiction. Did we really think he was going to stay? No.
We all just hoped that I had changed him enough to the point where he would do anything for me because he would have loved me enough.
But I wasn't his type as he's said before. I wasn't a busty blonde bimbo, I was the girl from art class that he hit with the door. The rich guy meets the poor girl. The rich guy doesn't want the poor girl once he knows that she isn't who everyone thinks she is.
And so with that realization, I came back into my body.
And the weight I felt was enormous.
The girls were staring at me. What felt like an hour since Matti left was actually five minutes ago. My heart was cracking inside of my rib cage. My heart was palpitating in pain. My eyes were burning and my nose was wet. My face felt warm and my hands were clammy.
"Naomi?" Nats voice spoke from beside me—a hand waved in front of my face. I raised my hands and rubbed my eyes, clearing the liquid out of them to be able to see a clearer day, but it was still the same old gray color blue.
Sloane was in front of me, Finn was behind me, and Nat was beside me.
Blake was walking down the hallway towards the door.
"If you need something."
I moved out of the girls paths and ran at Blake's back. He obviously heard me coming so he was turned around as I smacked into his chest. I let out a sob as he wrapped his arms around me. The dark hallway shielding me like the night sky would.
"Breathe." He spoke as I shook my head. I literally couldn't—I couldn't catch my breath. It was like I tried to but I was cut off. I was left gasping and crying and gasping and crying. Somehow and some way—Blake always knew how to calm me in the worst situations.
"NJ, breathe" I cried at the nickname as I heard him sigh. His arms still wrapped around my tiny body, he cradled me in his arms and brought me down to the ground with him. My body against his as his back laid against the door.
"I'm sorry," He muttered as I shook my head. "You have to talk to him Blake! You know the truth about my dad! You have to talk to him!" I cried to him as he hushed me. The words that I wanted to scream out at Matti were coming out at Blake.
"I'll talk to him for you—" I cut off his sentence as another cry erupted from me. He had to talk to him for me because Matti didn't want to talk to me anymore. "He hates me." I cried into his shirt.
"He doesn't hate you, he just told you he loved you." He spoke as I shook my head. "You don't react like that to someone hurting you if you don't love them." He looked at me as I tried to catch my breath.
"I think you just need to give him time. I just think the space is what is needed right now or he's going to go mental." He tried to ration but I groaned. "Naomi— the game is Sunday. He needs to focus on that right now. He needs to focus on his future." He started as I let out another cry.
"But what if she is his future, Blake? Huh? You tried to split them up. This is what you wanted—right?" Sloane nailed him as he shook his head. "No. I just wanted them to be happy." He states as I place my head on his shoulder. "Quit it you two. Is there ever a time when you're not fighting?" I speak through short breaths.
"I'm sorry about this." I spoke in between gasps. He chuckled, "That's what siblings are for right? Hate each other most of the time, but you're there for eachother when you're dying." He spoke as I sighed.
"He called me a narc baby," I said hushed. I couldn't believe what I heard when he said that but it wrecked me inside. He really threw my past in my face. Blake sighed and his grip tightened around me. "He only called you that because he was hurt. He didn't mean it," He defended him as I shook my head.
"It's the truth though. I'm a narcotics baby, a dirty little liar, a stripper's kid." I spoke the words of truth to myself no matter how much I wanted to fall in a hole and never come out.
Blake shook his head, "That might be your past but it doesn't define you now, Black." I squinted my eyes at the nickname that Matti had given me—it had apparently stuck with everyone.
"Just Naomi, call me Naomi. Not Black, no NJ, just Naomi." I pleaded as he nodded.
"I'm sorry Naomi. For everything." He apologized but deep down I know he meant everything. As in his dad's efforts for me to be aborted, his efforts to get Matti to hate me, everything.
"I'll talk to him," He spoke as I perked up. "But under one condition." I groaned at the deal. "You stop crying and you pick yourself up. Because this is what your dad would want—right? You are crying, you need to become as cold as ice. I do it all of the time. Just be emotionless. It hurts more on the inside but at least you know that they think it doesn't hurt you." He spoke while taking my hands in his. I let out a chuckle at the stupid big brother speech. I slowly nodded.
"You can be a bitch—I've seen it." He reassured me as I let out a loud laugh. My hands come up to my eyes to wipe them.
"What do you want me to tell him exactly?" He asks as I sigh—how do you tell the one person that you've hurt the most you're sorry without them hearing it from you.
"First of all, why was my dad even there?" I asked as he shrugged his shoulders.
"He was in town because Matti and Griffin were supposed to be checking him out." Nat spoke from down the hallway. Tears running down her cheeks in guilt. "You knew my dad was coming? You knew he would be feet away from me and you didn't feel the need to tell me?" I ask in absolute shock.
She wiped her face and nodded, "I couldn't just tell you—I had to promise I couldn't. I can't go spilling all of the football secrets—you wouldn't understand—" She stopped as I looked at her revelations, mouth wide open.
I shook my head at her as she stared at me. "I wouldn't understand because Matti and I weren't like you and Griffin. Got it." I spoke as she sighed.
"Don't get pissy with me." She spoke as I raised my eyebrows. "Don't get pissy with you? After you knew that my dad was coming to my safe haven? After you knew my dad would have direct contact with Matti? Don't get pissy with you because my best friend decided to not tell me she knew that my two worlds were about to collide as she stood and watched? You knew! How the hell am I not supposed to get pissy!" I yelled, throwing my arms around with my words. She sighed, "I'm sorry, okay?" I nodded at her and looked back at Blake.
I couldn't stay mad at her forever, I really had no one left if we're being honest.
I wish I had never met Mattison Williams, I wish I never had been in this situation, I wish things were different at this point. We should've stayed partners and I should've just done his work. If I hadn't put up the fight, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.
I sigh and grip my hair at the roots.
Maybe this was it? Maybe Blake talking to him would do absolutely nothing to fix the situation? But I couldn't not try.
For many years I had sat and wondered how you could walk away from someone you had loved. I had it happen to me on every occasion.
So I wasn't doing that to Matti and I wouldn't let him do that to me—not without a fight.
With a fight up—I knew I would have put my all into fixing what could be mended, but if he didn't want to accept it—then I would know that it was okay. I was going to be okay.
Because he was my soulmate.
I just had to come to terms to accept the fact that I wasn't his.
I stood up from Blake's lap and walked into my room—ignoring the calls from everyone that I had just left standing there in the tiny hallway. I needed to do something. I needed to get it out.
I needed to let it out to the one person that should've been there for me but never was because she put her selfish needs above her daughters. And that was okay, but I was never going to go through that cycle again.
That's exactly what I had done to Mattison—I had put my selfish desires above us.
I shut the door behind me in a hurry. I stormed over to the window, it was now dark outside. The moonshining. I yanked the curtains open, I ripped the blinds off of the window. I threw open the window and unlatched the screen.
No barriers—just one on one talk.
So I stuck my head out the window. And I fucking screamed. I screamed so loud it was heard echoing from the Pennsylvanian mountains. I screamed because I was exhausted. I screamed because nothing could ever go my way.
I screamed because I had repeated my mom's footsteps and ruined something very good for me.
And then I cried one last time. Because I was going to become a heartless son of a bitch after this. Because I needed to be one. I needed to learn how to be strong again and not vulnerable because loving Matti had made me vulnerable.
He might not come back.
I needed to prepare myself for that moment.
So I let out another scream, a blood-curdling scream. All the way from the bottom of my vocal chords.
And I knew my mom was out there somewhere, proud of me. Because my dad wasn't going to control me anymore—and I would put myself first but not my selfish desires.
Because I deserve everything I've worked for at this point.
So I pulled myself away from the open window and wiped my tears. I let out a deep breath and then let out a loud laugh.
Mom was out there smiling at me. She finally got the happy ending that I know she wanted. She finally got the happy ending she was waiting for. I know that's why she took all of those pills. She is out there somewhere in the galaxy, without a heartbeat.
But she got her happy ending up there.
She was finally happy.
Matti Williams
The blood dripped down my knuckles into the sink below where the glass from the mirror was present. My punch had been so hard, my first went through the glass and the wood behind it.
"Matti! What the fuck!" Griffin appeared in the doorway—eyes bulging out of his head when he saw my left hand.
"Matti! We have a game in 24 hours! What are you thinking!" He yelled as he reached for me but I let out a loud laugh. I didn't care anymore. I didn't give two fucks about anything anymore.
"What happened?" He demanded as I shrugged. "Nothing." I spoke, I had a huge shove against me. "No, you need to tell me right now what happened. And then you need to take your drunken ass to bed." He spoke as I let out another childish giggle.
"She lied to me." I mumbled. Griffin immediately let go of me and let me have space. "She lied to me, dude. She was Ben Black's kid. She was the bastard kid that everyone talked shit on—she was the one that ruined his career. She was the one that had the drugged up mother." I let out a cackle.
"Can you believe that dude? She told me her mom was a professional dancer. What if I brought her home to meet my parents—and they found this out?" I spoke in disbelief while rubbing my face in my palms. Griffin reached over and grabbed a piece of clothing, a white piece of fabric. He wrapped my bloody knuckles in it.
I walked over to my bed and sat on the edge—bent over, my head laid in my covered bloody hands.
My drunken heart fucking hurt. If this was what heartbreak felt like then I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
"God Griff, bro I'm so sorry. Literally—so sorry. Tomorrow is supposed to be your big day." I spoke as he held out his hand. "It's fine Matti—don't worry about it. I'm here for you." He assured me.
I sighed.
"Now what happened exactly?" He asked as he sat down next to me. Footsteps pounded down the hallway. I groaned—this better not be her, I couldn't take anymore of her at this moment.
My door is flung open, smacking the wall behind it.
"You're way out of line Matti, way out of line. Other side of the playing field line." Blake speaks angrily. I let out a chuckle, "Who gives a fuck about her—" Griffin shoves my shoulders.
"I care about her! Griffin cares about her! What the fuck is your problem dude? You didn't let her get out two words before blowing up on her! And the narc baby comment? Really? You know nothing." He spits words at me as I feel my head about to explode.
Reese runs into the room, "What is with all the yelling? What happened?" He spoke rushed. His eyes immediately rushed to the blood on my hands. His eyes narrowed in on me, "You better not let me find out that is someone else's blood. Specifically a brunette's blood. Or I fucking sware to god—" Reese blows up on me as I stand up from the bed.
"What do you think would hurt her?" I yell as I point to the glass covered bathroom. All eyes snap over to the mirror that was scattered on the floor. "You wouldn't psychically hurt her—no. But I bet after tonight, you've destroyed the poor girl." Blake grumbles at me as he focuses back on me.
"She lied to me." I started back as Blake gave me a look.
She had taken the trust I had for her and threw it out of her fucking window.
I was madly into Naomi Black and she ruined it. The first girl I had ever been into—hadn't been into me as much as I thought. No girl would do such things.
"Griff, Reese—give us about fifteen?" Blake asked as the two looked at each other and nodded. "Great, then someone can fill me in about my Naomi." Reese spoke as I looked at him.
They walked out of the room together—I sat back down on the bed, wanting to get this shit show over with. I wanted to sign my contract and leave. I could care less about everything at this point.
Blake grabbed my desk chair and pulled it a few feet away from me—he turned the chair around, so he was straddling it. He nodded, "Right. I'm going to speak and you're going to keep your mouth shut until I'm done. Nod if you understand." He states as I glare at him.
I nod.
He sighs before starting, "When I was four I met Ben Black, because he was best friends with my dad—you knew this already. Growing up my dad would say bits and pieces about Ben but not much of anything really. Until I was about to turn ten—when I was alomst ten my dad called a family meeting. I was sworn to secrecy. I was told that my godsister might have the chance of living with us because she had no other family to go with. I was confused, but they told me that her mother had passed away due to an overdose and her father didn't want her. Her father is Ben Black. So number one, he didn't want her. Ding ding ding. She was going to come but her grandparents took her before we could and blood is thicker than a signed paper apparently. Ben Black has done absolutely nothing for Naomi, Matti. Zero. And to be honest—her mother didn't help her at all either. Naomi was a seven year old girl that watched prositution rings go on every single night. Her mother being one of the top contenders—selling her body for enough money to go towards groceries and the drug addiction. Naomi's mom wasn't the only one with the drug addiction, I hope you know this. Ben wont piss clean today if you test him. Ben didn't want anything to do with Matti! Absolutely nothing! She ruined his life—what you did to her, what you said—I have no words for you Matti! Except well done! You deserve a round of applause. That girl—she might've acted like her dad wasn't her dad but you have outdone her on the damn acting job because that person was not my best friend. You were a snobby-rich kid. You had every right to be pissed, but you attacked her! You attacked the girl you were supposed to love! Because she was embarrassed of who she was! You didn't give her the chance to speak! You have had everything you could've ever wanted Matti—and she wanted one thing; normalcy. She wanted to be normal here. You have ruined that for her. So after I leave this room, I really hope you take into consideration an apology for her or to leave her the hell alone." He spoke as I just sat and listened.
Naomi always corrected me, I was listening to her but I was never hearing her.
And I wish I had taken those quotes more into perspective. "I know this shit because I know Matti. I know her family, I know her grandparents, I know everything. Everything. So go ahead and doubt me for a minute. She just cried in my arms for thirty minutes because you're acting like a toolbag rich kid. If you don't see the problem—well," He let out a chuckle as I watched him shake his head at me, "That's on you. Because she was the best thing to ever happen to you. You might've been ignoring me these last two months—but at least I knew you were happy. That girl- she has been through hell and back. And she deserves the world and if you're going to act like this—then you aren't the guy that deserves to give her it." He stands up from the chair, wiping his hands on his legs.
I sit in silence as he watches me process the information he has just told me.
"Ben told me that her mother was the problem. She was the drug abuser—that he did everything for Naomi. It just makes no sense—" I get cut off as he throws his hands in the air. "Do you think I would go out of my way to defend a girl like this? If he has done so much for her, Matti—why would she feel embarrassed by him then? Huh? If he did so much for her—why does she live with her grandparents? Would I make up the entire godsister living with us story? Tell me Matti! When does it make sense? This girl was innocent; she just wanted you to like her without knowing her dad. Trust me—I pressured her to tell you, but I finally laid off. Her dad is a Grade A No Good Son Of A Bitch." He storms out of my room as I stand there and watch him walk off.
I sat in silence.
I was supposed to play my last game of the season in twenty four hours. I was supposed to stand on that field with my head held high, I was going to see my mom and dad first thing tomorrow morning.
But then my heart sank in realization that Naomi has never had a moment like that.
I had every right to be angry because of the lies, I had every right to feel the way I felt but the words flew out of my mouth. Blake's words had taken the vodka out of my system. I was as sober as one could be.
I had opened up to her. I had trusted her—It wouldn't have been the end of the world if I knew that was her dad, but I definitely would have treated her differently as bad as it sounded.
My heart clenched.
The guy that I had been looking up to me had been nothing but a liar and a phony fucking fake. He had played the victim, but the real victim was Naomi. She had nothing from the beginning of life except herself and her own love. I didn't hate many things but there was nothing more that I hated than a lazy father.
I couldn't imagine going through that at such a young age.
But this separation would be good for us because in the end, I was just going to end up leaving anyway. I couldn't stay tied down to one place for long anyways. I was a professional athlete—it didn't work like that.
My fairytale was coming true while she had to sit and work ten times harder than anyone I had known for this position. Blake, Griffin, Reese, and Caden—we all had it so easy. Trust fund scholarship babies. Whatever we needed; we received.
I couldn't imagine waking up and having to ask your mom for lunch money but she had none because she didn't sleep with a guy that night.
I groaned and put my head in my hands again.
We needed separation, we needed time apart. I had to learn how to be strong without her and vice versa.
Our toxicity was an addiction but I felt like the only reason we were considered toxic was because of me. I was the one that was constantly hurting her and then begging her for her forgiveness.
There was one message for sure that I knew of; Ben Black had no position on a field ever again. We were a family at Penn State and he didn't know the first thing about family.
I was going to beat the shit out of Naomi's dad tomorrow.
A knock sounded, "Can we talk?" I turned my head towards the timid voice in shock. "I'm not here to freak out on you—I just wanted to talk." Sloane's voice spoke as she walked towards me. She walked over to where the seat was in front of me and planted herself on it.
"I'm sure you don't need anymore lecturing—your face says it all." She jokes but I'm not in the mood for smiles, I just watch her. She claps her hands together. "Well, I just wanted to say that in the last year and a half that I've gotten to know the girl that was basically my twin—I had never seen her more herself and more happy than she was with you." She held her tiny necklace in her fingers and played with it while avoiding eye contact.
"I'm here to tell you the things that I know she wouldn't be able to tell you. Because she knew that you wouldn't want her because she wasn't who you thought she was." She spoke and watched as my face fell.
I nodded for her to continue as she pulled out a list.
"Number One: She hated walking on the grass as a little girl because she hated the idea of killing the ants and other insects." She read off the list as I let out a laugh.
"Number Two: She wanted to be a cheerleader growing up but it was way too expensive of a hobby to keep up with." She spoke as her fingers pressed against the paper tighter.
"Number Three: She likes grilled chicken in her alfredo." She nodded her head.
"Number Four: She took two hours to get ready for your date with her tonight. She took two hours out of her study time to get dolled up for you to come and scream at her." She spoke with no hint of anything in her voice, just storytelling.
God.
"Number Five: Naomi lost to Adam Frankfelt in the third grade spelling bee over the word Balloon." I let out a chuckle at that one.
"Number Six: She brought her stuffed animal to college with her, a bunny named Bun Bun. I tried to take it away from her but it was something she had received when she was at the hospital in the NICU- being a narc baby." That was spoken with spite, I grimaced.
"Number Seven: Naomi Jade Black is in love with Matti Williams and will continue to go back to him until he tells her that he doesn't love her back. But even then Naomi Jade Black will continue to think about going back because that's who she is."
"Number Eight: Naomi's life goal was to become a nurse and help people the way they couldn't help her but deep down she dreamed that Matti Williams could find love in that tiny tiny tiny heart of his to show her what she hadn't been shown before." She cleared her throat. I watched as her face grew hot.
"Number Nine: Naomi's favorite movie growing up was Tangled or Cinderella. Both two girls were trapped in a life that they didn't want to live. That's how she felt at six years old. " I rubbed my face- my eyes started itching.
"And Number Ten: Naomi Black just wanted to be loved for who she was not for who she was supposed to be." She crumpled up the paper and stood up from the chair. I watched as she stared at me—my bloody hands, the guy that everyone wanted to be—was beaten.
By himself.
I watched as her lip quivered and I knew I was a fucking goner. My eyes started watering and she reached out towards me. I gave Sloane a hug because we both needed it. She hadn't come over to lecture me because she knew I was already destroying myself on the inside.
I knew this because Naomi and I were the same person. If I had to guess she was destroying herself on the inside too.
Sometimes the right way to love was to leave. But that wasn't going to be happening.
Because after those ten facts I knew I was forsure of five.
I'd wait forever.
She was my person.
She was my home.
I'd always be there for her no matter what.
I was in love with Naomi Black and hurting her was hurting me.
I needed to let the fire clear out. I needed for us to have a few days' time.
THANK YOU.
80,000 of you guys.
That's nuts.
I can't believe this.
I love you all.
Stay safe.
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