Alice POV
Beep.....Beep.......Beep......Beep......Beep.......Beep....
A rhythmic noise woke me and I pried my eyes open before stretching slowly. My arms were caught on tubes and wires which made moving difficult.
"Beep?"
Where am I?
Hospital room... Okay... okay... You were rescued... that's right.... you were singing in the woods with Remi and then a chopper came down...
"Lissy!" Benji's voice echoed through the hallway as he entered my room in a wheelchair that was pushed by an extremely attractive blonde man, "Want the apple or orange juice?"
"Uhhhh... I guess apple?" My question was greeted with a laugh from Benji and the nurse who shook his head at me. He had a smirk and the kind of vibe that made me feel like we would be friends.
Maybe it was the god-awful crocs he wore that had red racing stripes on the side, but this guy seemed like he did not take himself too seriously. That was a trait I always enjoyed seeing in others. Benji also appeared to get along well with his nurse, easily joking with him as I stretched and tried to get my bearings.
"I don't think you remember meeting me a few hours ago, but Benji and I are best buds now. I'm Jesse Sawyer," He offered me a bright smile, eliciting goosebumps before dramatically presenting a bottle of apple juice to me with a bow. I giggled and accepted, shaking my head at his silliness, but noticed the smile on Benji's face and made a mental note to thank Jesse later for helping us feel so comfortable.
"Liss, Jesse said he can take us to go see Remington once he's out of surgery!" Benji's excitement made me smile until the words sank in and I was instantly alarmed.
I let out a long breath and watched my tone as the word came out of my mouth, "Surgery?"
No... no... he needs to be okay...
Jesse nodded, immediately sitting at the edge of my hospital bed while I tried to keep breathing as the word registered. "Remington gave us permission to keep you two updated on his condition so I am allowed to tell you he is in for internal bleeding."
My eyes blinked away hot tears, "Okay, so is he okay? I mean, when can I ..."
"No," Jesse stopped me as I tried to sit up, struggling to move so I could go to him. "Alice, no. He will be okay. Seriously. Remi is doing just fine and under the best care possible. He's more of a fighter than you know." He paused and lowered his voice slightly before continuing, "Plus, you may need surgery also but right now you're not stable enough."
"Mood."
Benji's one-word deadpan response gained a loud burst of laughter from both Jesse and myself. I groaned in pain but grinned at the smirk on his face, pride in his wit and perfect comedic timing.
"What happened to Remington?" I asked, taking measured breaths while Jesse helped me sit up.
"We are not entirely sure, but he did have a concussion so you were right to keep him awake." Jesse held my gaze a long moment, "Alice, you saved his life."
I blushed and looked away, shrugging, but Jesse pretended to smack Benji on the back of the head which only set him off into another round of giggles. He continued, "Alice, you have broken ribs and may need surgery for your collarbone depending on how the X-rays look after swelling goes down. Beyond that, all three of you have severe smoke inhalation, and your bodies are just banged up. It will take a while before you feel like a human again."
Benji sobered slightly, collapsing back into his wheelchair. "Oh shit. The job, Lissy!"
Jesse gave me a quizzical look, "Job?"
"Yeah... we moved here for a position I took with the parks service working in the mountains doing research. I have my Bachelors in Environmental Science so it seemed like the perfect place to settle in and have so much to study around me while I work toward getting my Doctorate." I answered without thinking, allowing the info dump since it was apparent that Jesse was someone Remington trusted.
He nodded, furrowing his brow as he ran a hand through his shaggy locks. "Yeah, I'd say the mountains are a good place for that... but you'll have a hard time with an active job for a bit."
I was quiet and let out a long breath, picking at my IV tubing a moment before I let my eyes wander to the machine monitoring my pulse oxygen level attached to my finger. Silence lingered while I surveyed the room, focusing next on the IV pole where I noticed another pouch hanging next to the normal saline fluid.
"Hey, Jesse? What's that?" I pointed to the smaller metallic bag as I tried to piece together what happened in the hours since we were in the forest. My scratchy hospital gown was clean but I noticed my skin still had a few streaks of mud and blood from our forest adventure. After looking around another moment I flipped the blankets and sheet off my legs and sucked in air through my teeth, "Oh, fuck..."
My legs had lines of freshly stitched-up cuts across what skin was not burned. I let out a yelp in pain as I touched one of the gashes, still tender and right through a deep burn on my thigh.
"Oh, Lissy! Our bags are over here..." Benji rolled his wheelchair to a side closet and opened the door, tugging my bag out slightly with his good arm. "See? I even took the snack container and gave Jesse a Snickers earlier! I can share, even my favorite stuff!"
I grinned, thankful for another distraction, and returned the blankets to hide my injuries from sight. "I'm very proud of you, Beep."
Jesse tucked the covers around me softly, whispering, "We have plenty of medication and will keep antibiotics going also to make sure infection stays away. I promise you're in good hands, Alice."
His words helped, of course, but it wasn't enough. I was relieved also that our belongings made it to the hospital but knew it would help to ask one of the nurses for help sorting through my things when I had a chance. I can't move my arms very easily so getting a shirt or a different bra on will be impossible. Certain things just will not be happening for a while, so if I can get a hand, I should do that.
I'll also do anything to avoid thinking about all the reasons my body is broken, so maybe now that we've made it to our new home this will be a way to meet new people. My mind was spinning with a to-do list so I grabbed my phone and started jotting down items.
Get Remington's last name and phone number.
Email new job.
Contact new job and explain the situation.
Jesse smiled softly, chuckling as he watched me work. "Well, all three of you have some pretty nasty infections going on after checking blood work. We are giving you strong antibiotics to fight that."
Benji nodded, scooting next to my bed and letting out a sigh. "I got mine already. They let me swallow it with the sundae I ate..." his words stopped as he spoke and I grinned, realizing Benji let it slip that he was given ice cream by the hospital staff for breakfast.
Jesse jumped off the hospital bed and dramatically ran behind Benji's wheelchair, proclaiming "I was not on duty when that was approved. I swear to you, Alice, I did not personally approve a caramel sundae at six in the morning."
I shared a grin with Benji which turned into as full a laugh as I could manage as Jesse said in a stage whisper, "But if I ever get the chance, I will totally approve ice cream for breakfast."
The mock gasp that I was able to somehow muster caused both to dissolve into giggles.
Jesse didn't know that Benji and I regularly had our own backward days as a coping mechanism. That ice cream for breakfast is probably healthier than half the things I've fed him on days when I had no sleep and was barely functional due to grief, exhaustion, working full time, being a full-time college student, and essentially a single mom to a teenager.
He didn't need to know.
Benji knew.
Maybe in time, Jesse would learn the inner workings of our little family, but for now, this would suffice.
We shared a softer smile and I mouthed the words, "Love you, Beep," to him. He grinned and nodded, mouthing, "Yeah, yeah," while rolling his eyes.
"What?" Jesse studied me closely, missing the unspoken communication between Benji and me but apparently noticed something on the monitor beeping next to my hospital bed. He stopped joking around and moved to peek at the gauges, adjusting cords to make room and take my blood pressure. Benji watched on but I saw him grab his phone, stare at the screen and laugh, then type furiously.
He wrapped the blood pressure cuff around my upper arm but the loud velcro echoed through the room. I jumped at the noise, my body buckling then shuddering at the pain I felt after moving.
"Alice? Just breathe normally... so, what do you remember?" He prompted, flexing his forearm while inflating the cuff as I tried to relax in the hospital bed.
I shook my head, "I don't remember a lot but I am sure I have medication in my system so that's probably why."
Benji laughed, rolling the wheelchair back and forth as he attempted to pop a wheelie even though he could only use his right arm. "Lissy, they were doping you up from the freaking chopper."
"What?!" I exclaimed, sitting up as Jesse tried to keep me calm with a gentle hand on my sore shoulder.
He shot Benji a surprised look before returning his attention to me, "Can we maybe do this one thing at a time now? Let's get your vitals and then we can go over everything..."
I tried to process but knew from his expression that it must have been bad.
Please let Remington be okay... he needs to be okay...
Rose-colored glasses now removed, I took stock of my body while discreetly shifting in my hospital bed. Now that Jesse was studying me so closely I was more aware of just how bad it must have been. He finished taking my blood pressure and jotted the low numbers on a notepad before logging in to a laptop in the room.
Everything hurts...
Benji was looking closely as I slipped the blankets off again and studied my legs, noticing the number of long gashes that were now in tight stitches.
"You actually gave two of our new residents the chance to learn proper suturing techniques today," a voice from the door spoke.
I turned and noticed an older woman, maybe in her fifties, with salt and pepper hair and one of those warm smiles that instantly disarmed any hesitation I would feel about sharing concerns with her. She had a warm skin tone and eyes that sparkled, smirking as she entered the room with confidence. Jesse grinned but kept working diligently. Benji rolled his wheelchair next to my bed and seemed intimidated, now on his best behavior as he sat politely with his hands clasped in his lap.
I blushed, shyly answering, "I'm so sorry, ma'am, but thank you for all you've done to save our lives..." but she perched on the edge of my hospital bed and laid a gentle hand by my knee.
"I'm Doctor Edwards, and don't you even think about apologizing, young lady! We are so thankful we got to you three when we did. The GPS software on the train gave rescuers issues since it was displaced in the crash. Not sure what took so long beyond that, but we got you guys now and will keep you here for a while to make sure you're okay."
She turned to Jesse and gave him a long look before he finished typing notes in my chart. Dr. Edwards continued, "Benji, why don't you and Jesse head back to your room? It's time for more meds and we need to make sure you get some rest Why don't you swing by the Media room so he can grab a movie to watch."
"How is Remington?" I asked, desperate for any information we could get as soon as possible.
The Doctor looked at Jesse and shared a knowing smile before turning to me with a sigh. "Surgery is going to take longer than they expected, but he is stable and doing really well. There was internal bleeding but they have everything under control so nothing they can't handle. I promise everything is going better than I would have thought, considering what happened."
Her words did not register but I nodded anyway. Jesse logged out of the computer then grabbed the handles of Benji's wheelchair, pushing him out of the room after dipping his chair back until he was parallel with the floor. My brother yelped in surprise but laughed as Jesse put the chair back on all four wheels, waving as they left the room.
"I'm right next door, Lissy, so I'll see you soon!" Benji called as they left, while Jesse waved with a smile before shutting my door.
Doctor Edwards continued to fuss with everything connected to me, checking levels and clicking around a special laptop on a rolling table she pulled in from the hallway. Her silence was not unnerving, though.
It was focused.
I patiently waited for any information while trying to determine what happened in the last few hours. Her reassurance that Remington was holding steady during surgery made me feel a bit better even though I was not clear on exactly what was going on.
Nothing made sense, but it probably would not for a long time. Between trauma, grief, my own head injury, pain, and medication... I am not positive I could expect anything more from myself at this time.
Okay, it's around ten in the morning now and we were in the forest back then. I think it was the middle of the night. Maybe two or three in the morning? I'm missing seven or eight hours?
Everything ran together into a fuzzy mess as the Doctor again sat on the edge of my bed, clearing her throat quietly as a way to regain my full attention.
"Alice?"
I smiled, trying to refocus but felt my eyes zoom in and out like a camera shutter. "Yes, Doctor?"
We locked eyes and I felt a sense of kinship with Doctor Edwards.
She sighed, "Okay, I am just going to lay it all out there for you. You're badly injured. It's obvious. But you and our Remington took incredible care of Benji and you should be proud of yourself." She paused, blinking rapidly and looking away before returning eye contact with a thicker voice. "We lost a lot of incredible people on that train, but you three survived. I have to believe that was for a reason or it's all for nothing."
I laid my hand over hers as the words sank in.
All those souls are gone, but mine remains? How many of those people have loved ones that live here?
Why me? Why us?
Will they hate me?
Should we move? Maybe this isn't the right place to stay if the town will just want us gone anyway...
"Alice... we need to talk about the next steps, dear..."
I let out a long breath and nodded, "Okay. Next steps."
"Your broken collarbone is set as of now, and your hip was out of alignment but should be okay with some physical therapy. I don't think we will need to operate on your shoulder but it may become necessary. Jesse may have mentioned that we will do another X-ray after you heal a bit to see how it looks. You have a couple of broken ribs and, of course, everything is bruised with cuts etcetera." Her eyes lingered on mine a moment, "I can tell just by looking at you that you are fully aware of just how blessed you three are to be alive."
My head nodded quickly in agreement, "And my Benji?"
Her eyes softened with a maternal smile, "He just has to worry about a broken left wrist, but it was a clean break that will heal nicely in about four to six weeks with the cast we will put on a bit later today." The doctor paused, tilting her head in the direction of the door before studying me a moment, "He insisted we wait for you."
"Wait?" I answered, sipping a cup of water on my side table before taking another long draw of the apple juice Jesse and Benji surprised me with earlier.
My confusion was clear but she nodded, "Benji told us he didn't want to get his first-ever cast without you there. He asked if it was okay to wait a little bit so you could get a nap and then when you were awake this afternoon you could come along to help him decide what color to choose."
Her words sunk in and I felt cold tears stream down my face at how thoughtful my brother was. I smiled, "He can be such a little shit, but there's a heart of gold underneath."
A laugh burst from the doctor, "So the ideal younger brother?"
"Absolutely."
We discussed my medical issues a bit further including the medications they had given me and why I felt so fuzzy. She explained the markerboard on the wall kept track of which meds I was on and when they were given, so even if I woke up in the middle of the night and was clueless about anything I could figure out what was happening. They would also keep track of when I took walks around the floor once I was able to be mobile.
I felt better knowing that everything was so organized. After such a traumatizing day where all I tried to do was keep things moving, I could finally hand the reins to someone else. My mind needed that sort of structure, so she was allowing me more independence and autonomy with every detail given.
Doctor Edwards smiled and let out a sigh, "So, Alice, now that you're settled and got a good nap, is there anyone we can contact now so they can come to get Benji and he can get settled in? He mentioned you two are moving here so who are you moving with?"
The question I had been dreading was now hanging in the air.
Shit... Think... Think...
"He's out!" Jesse peeked his head into the room, causing both of us to turn our heads, "Remington is out of surgery!"
The excitement in his voice was clear and I sat up straighter. Doctor Edwards smiled, "Wonderful news! How is he doing?"
They chatted a moment, using medical terms I did not understand but I could tell from their body language and tone that he was still stable and in recovery. Sounded like the surgery was successful and he needed time to heal but his father had been reached and was grateful he was safe as well.
Remington hadn't mentioned any family, but I realized we also didn't really talk about much besides what was pressing at the moment. Only what we needed to discuss to survive.
Jesse slipped back to do rounds and the Doctor returned her attention to me. "So, who can I call for you?" She slid a small notebook and pen from her pocket, opening to a fresh page, and sat prepared to jot down a phone number.
I froze.
This is the one question I never know how to answer, so I said the only thing I could.
The truth.
"No one."
I waited for the look.
The one I always saw.
The "Ohhh, you poor orphan!!" look.
The look of pity and sadness and grief that someone always gives.
It didn't come.
Doctor Edwards stared at me a moment, same soft smile on her face, then shut her notepad and tucked it back into her pocket.
She quietly moved to where my backpack was located and brought it back to where she had been seated, setting it at the foot of the hospital bed.
"Want to unpack a little?"
I nodded, tears falling as I sorted through my bag while she helped, folding the sweatshirt that was shoved on top of the pile and plugging in my phone charger under my hospital bed. There was debris and brush from the forest and train crash in my bag, glass falling from sweatshirts and blood on almost everything we found.
The Doctor was not unfeeling or unmoved by those items. She winced as glass caught her finger, gasping, "Ouch!"
"I'm sorry!" I apologized, "I tried to keep it all in one place... Benji had glass everywhere in his hair..."
She shook her head, letting out a dry laugh as she held up her finger before sticking it in her mouth. "Alice, this? This is nothing."
Within a few moments, I was able to get the Hospital side table set with my phone, laptop, hairbrush, and a few other necessities. I located my wallet and confirmed my license and other essentials were accessible. There were only a few things I knew I needed to keep right at my side constantly, like Clara's most particular journals and my laptop, so it was a relief to find those worldly possessions and confirm they were in one piece.
She watched and assisted as she could, grabbing me a box of tissues and toiletry kit as well as wiping off anything that was still had muddy from the forest. Her silence helped me think more clearly. Just her presence in the room while I carefully dug into my bag and determined what items I wanted helped me feel more at ease.
While we worked I found myself able to speak. My voice was quiet but I was able to explain more succinctly than I expected, probably thanks to the Doctor's quiet patience. "Our parents died about six years ago. Car accident."
She froze, mouth open as she wiped off my Nintendo Switch with a washcloth, but I continued, "They decided to surprise Benji and me by picking us up for lunch on a random Tuesday. We got Chick Fil A and then I was back to high school in time for History."
Doctor Edwards blinked and wiped a tear while I reached into my bag and pulled out one of my mom's journals. I smiled, caressing the leather book gently and passing it to the Doctor, "This was my mom's. She loved music and writing and cooking. She wrote everything by hand that she could, so it's nice to have a piece of her around."
The doctor flipped open the book, running her hand over the page and reading out loud, "Pumpkin Spice Cake with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Icing right next to notes about Benji's grade school Halloween party?"
I laughed lightly and shrugged, "Yeah, a favorite recipe of hers. She was creative and loved art and music. Benji was her entire world when he was born. That boy was just everything to us from the moment he breathed his first breath."
She smiled, "My mom was organized but had zero creativity so I had the opposite problem growing up."
"Do you think that made you lean towards medicine?"
My question seemed to catch her off guard but Doctor Edwards considered a moment before responding, "You know... yes. I think it did, Alice. I think maybe her penchant for staying organized trained my brain to do the same."
We shared a smile while she passed the journal back to me. "Well, I was just thankful that Benji was safe. He was still in the car when they crashed."
The shock was clear on her face as Doc gasped, "No!"
I nodded, emotion welling in my chest as I relived the worst part of the crash that stole my parents. "The route they took to get us from school ... Chick Fil A was kind of in the middle but since my high school had a spread-out campus they dropped me off first to give me enough time to get to class. I still remember the bear hug he gave me before hopping back into the car when they dropped me off that day."
The guilt he carries is more than any human should bear. Benji blamed himself for their deaths, still deeply traumatized by not only what he saw but what he heard, smelled, felt.
She was listening intently while busily folding any clothes that I pulled from my backpack. I continued, "So I was in History and Ms. Kight, our guidance counselor, came in and pulled me from class. Told me there was a car accident and that they didn't know what was going on. From there it was just a ton of confusion for the last six years."
Doctor Edwards reasoned, "Well, you can say it was a ton of confusion for that entire time, but I doubt that's the case." She smiled, her hand reaching to pat mine, "You are incredible, Alice. You survived a deadly train wreck after raising your brother on your own for years... and he survived? That boy who was just teasing you and trying to do a wheelie with one arm has now survived two certain death accidents." Her eyes drifted to the door a long moment, "I have a really good feeling there is a plan for him, yet."
She handed me a picture frame nestled into a t-shirt and I grinned, staring at the photo a moment.
It was one of my favorites, my parents and me with baby Benji all smiling in front of the Christmas tree. Daddy set the timer for his fancy camera just to get the shot and it was chaotic perfection. I was laughing, head tossed back and dark curls flying like a lion's mane. My mom looked exhausted but happy, with chubby baby Benji and his stuffed Giraffe in his mouth while my dad gave a thumbs up to the camera. She had dark circles under her eyes but those blonde curls were tied up with a scarf as she smiled beautifully, proving beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
"This is a family... but you and that boy who wants you to help him choose which color his cast should be are, also... You choose your family, Alice. Sure, you can't choose who you're related to, but you two chose one another and continue to do so. That matters just as much as blood."
Her words echoed in my mind while I laid back in bed.
Can Benji be happy with a family that's just me? He deserves so much more than I can give him...
I heard a knock at the door and Jesse's voice rang out, "Hey, Alice? How are you feeling?"
As soon as the words registered a wave of pain washed over me.
I groaned, "Not so great," but he came closer waving a couple of vials of pain and anti-nausea medication in the air. Jesse checked my vitals and made small talk, noting the journals and personal effects laid out at my disposal now.
He grinned at the framed photo that still lay in front of me, "Wow, Benji was a chunker, huh?"
"Yeah, such a fat baby. As soon as he started to crawl, though, that kid did not stop!" I smiled, staring at the photo for another long moment.
Doctor Edwards is right. We do choose our families, and Benji isn't related to me by blood anyway.
Jesse passed me a styrofoam cup filled with fresh ice water which I sipped slowly, both to savor the chill and because of how painful the cold was on my singed throat.
"Doc Eddie got you all set up, didn't she? I'm shocked. She never takes the time for stuff like that." Jesse commented while putting away the blood pressure cuff, Velcro sticking to itself momentarily and forcing him to readjust the equipment a number of times until it was properly lined up to his satisfaction.
I nodded, "Yeah, we chatted for a bit. She was really sweet and supportive."
He gave me a closer look while unwrapping medication vials and flushing my IV line with saline. "Sweet?" Jesse's tone was apprehensive and I quirked an eyebrow in his direction. He continued, "I just... I mean... she isn't known for... ya know, sweet." He accented the word sweet with his fingers using air quotes and I let out a laugh.
"Jesse, she was really nice. Just helped me organize a few things."
Including my thoughts... I thought, smiling slightly to myself when I realized just how helpful Doctor Edwards was both literally and figuratively with this task.
He shrugged, "Well, I mean, that's good. I'm just surprised. Oh, Benji is napping and I figured this afternoon we can get his cast done whenever he wakes up. Also, Remington is doing well in post-op. He asked for you."
I let out a gasp, sitting up a bit straighter as I felt medication pulse through my veins. "Wait, for me?"
Jesse cackled at my reaction, "Oohh, you are blushing! Well, Benji is right. You two are crushing hard."
My face felt warm so I assumed he was telling the truth about how red I had turned. I felt my forehead with the back of my hand a moment then took another drink of water.
"When can I see him?" The question was quiet but I winced before turning to face Jesse.
He shot me a smile with a wink, "Really soon. I'll make sure of it. Remington will murder me if I don't. I already told him I saw you and he was begging me for details."
As Jesse finally left my hospital room I sank back into the bed with a long exhale.
Remington is okay and wants to see me... that's good.
Now for the rest of my list.
I grabbed my phone, head now buzzing with adrenaline and medication, and swiped to the Notes app.
Gotta just do the damn thing, Alice...
It only took a few moments to draft a quick email to my new employer, stating we made it to town but were on the train that wrecked and at this time had no idea how long my hospitalization would last.
I apologized for the inconvenience and assured them I was still planning to take the position as soon as I was medically cleared. In the message, I was clear that I understood they needed someone in that role as soon as possible so if they had to replace me then that was completely understandable.
Honesty is always the best policy. Daddy taught me that from the start, and even as Benji has gained more of an attitude in his teenage years I've tried to show him that the truth will always set him free. We have always tried to lead by example but that means making tough decisions.
The clock ticked and machines beeped at varying tempos which began to give me a headache. Once the IV pump whirred my head felt fuzzy with noises, especially after codes began to pipe through the speaker system.
I reached for my phone and set iTunes to play Max Richter's piece, "On the Nature of Daylight."
Finally, the noises faded into the background.
Triangle breathing seemed like the best idea as I listened, pain medication quickly dulling every ache and jolt that radiated through each nerve ending of my body.
I shut my eyes, tears pouring as they closed, and let the music drown every other sound from my world. I was now in a safe space where the only thing I needed to do was listen, and breathe.
About two minutes into the piece a violin began to play a lilting melody that made my heart feel lighter. I remembered a few truths as sleep took over, finally allowing my body to relax. As my head sank into the pillow, a mantra began to echo in my mind.
Remington is okay.
Benji is okay.
Maybe I'll be okay, too.