Three heavenly times.
That's how many times Olivia and I were intimate before my body finally gave all it could give. Each time was easier than the other, sure I didn't achieve a bottom position or being able tolerate her travelling hands for long periods of time and I still trembled like a high magnitude earthquake afterwards but I was insanely proud of myself.
"Oh you got a free gift hamper, what is in it?" Lola pulled me out of my thoughts. She had already started opening the hamper before she even finished her sentence.
"I think it's like soaps and colognes and stuff. There's some athlete stuff in there as well - branded water bottles and a fitbit. I don't know really, I haven't looked at it."
"I'm keeping the fitbit." She took it out of the box and tried it on, admiring her wrist. "Oh and this!" She opened a packet of shortbread and ate one. She offered me the box and I shook my head, I was far too nervous to eat.
My knee bounced up and down restlessly and while Lola pottered around my dressing room I sat on the sofa rehearsing the questions they might ask me and the answers I was going to say. It wasn't the soccer questions I was nervous about though.
"Lola?" She turned to face me, biscuit hanging out of her mouth and nodded as if to ask 'what?'
"I was thinking..." I rubbed the back of my neck and Lola nodded her head in question again, she's not the most pacient soul. "I don't think I want to hide it." She walked over to me and sat down on the sofa, her brows furrowing downwards. She finally gripped the half eaten biscuit and removed it from her mouth.
"That's... are you sure?" She asked, clearly not feeling too confident with the idea. "Like the whole world, they would know. Every interview you do after this one will ask you about it. People will just assume it's okay to ask because you're talking about it. They'll think they're entitled to know your private business."
"I know. I don't want that, I really don't. But he's pleaded guilty, it's an open and closed case. I think I want to speak out, bring press attention to it. Make his face known. I want everyone to know what a monster he is and I want people to feel brave enough to come forward. To get the help they need."
"You need to be sure Liam, once the truth is out there it can't be taken back." Her face was completely serious, her grey eyes zoned in on mine and the severity of her demeanor was almost comical when you considered how bright her hair was.
"I know, but the truth is already out there and it's only a matter of time before it starts getting leaked. At least this way I could control it. It's my truth to tell." Lola nodded her head strongly.
"I'll be right there sitting on the sidelines if you need me." My lips quirked up into a small smile, the only one I could manage with this nervous feeling fluttering around my belly.
"I want my fitbit back." I warned, she gazed down at her wrist and sighed lovingly. We both knew I was never getting that fitbit back.
Our eyes darted up to the dressing room door where a sharp looking lady popped her head in "Liam they are ready for you on stage." I took a deep breath and nodded my head, wearing my most calm and collected facial expression.
As I walked towards the stage I could feel my feet dragging along the floor and my hands were sticky, in fact my whole body felt clammy. This interview was always going to be unnerving for me, quick fired questions that I needed to answer on the spot was never going to go down well. But now an extra weight of divulging the sickening details of my past lay heavy on my tongue and right now I didn't know if I was going to do it or not but I believe that this decision could only be made in the moment.
I walked across the stage to cheers from the live audience but I honestly tried to block them all out and instead just searched the crowds for the bright orange bob of Lola's signature look. I found her instantly and that calmed me slightly, I could focus on her and everything that annoyed me about her if I needed to distract my mind.
My hands started to tremble so I gripped them both together and rested them on my lap to try and hide my nervousness from the rest of the world. The whole time the television presenter who earlier told me her name was Anne introduced me as California's newest top soccer team member.
I had a strange buzz in my ears and I convinced myself that it was from all of the blood rushing around my body. She kept asking me questions and I kept forgetting to listen to them because I was so focused on revealing my truth. But I was good at masking my feelings and nerves were one of them. So I quick-fired my answers back, prolonging them as much as I could to keep my mind focused on the question at hand.
We spoke about how I got involved with soccer, my friends, my school team, Stanford but my heart stopped beating when she uttered the question "So what do your friends and family think of your success?"
And my eyes floated to the audience, Lola gave me a reassuring smile and I returned it. I no longer needed to fear questions about my family or feel bad about them. I had the best family in the world.
"My friends are my family and they couldn't be happier for me." I told her honestly.
"No hard feelings then? No jealousy?" Anne was prying for some deep unrevealed drama but my smile didn't drop, because I knew how lucky I was to have these people in my life and nothing was ever going to change that.
"Of course not, we have been friends for a long time and we will be friends for life. We live in different parts of the state, attend different universities but the night I got signed everyone came to congratulate me. They are literally the best people in this world and something so materialistic would not falter that relationship."
Her perfectly arched eyebrows raised but her lips remained tightly pursed. Her game face was strong, emotionless and hard but strong.
"And you have brought your girlfriend here with you today?" It took me a second to realize, with the little help of her small gesture towards the audience that she meant Lola and I couldn't help but laugh. I could see Lola scowling from the audience, her eyes narrowed, warning me silently not to say anything that made her look like a dick.
"No. She wishes." I scoffed and Lola gave me a straight stare that told me I was definitely going to be in trouble later. But then I started to feel nervous again so I started over-talking. "My actual girlfriend is currently in a hotel room with another man, so that is how my Friday night is going." The audience laughed and I wasn't sure how that would come across to Olivia. I hoped she would see that I was just joking. "That's just my friend." I added, clarifying Lola's role in my life.
"So why is soccer important to you?" Suddenly my mouth went completely dry and my tongue felt extremely thick. This was my chance.
I could feel the darkness rolling in as I prepared myself mentally to utter the next words. It was scary as hell, eyes remained locked on me from every direction. They were eyes of strangers, they were not sympathetic but they were not judgmental. They were just blank, waiting with no idea what was coming.
My breathing quickened and I rubbed the sweat from the back of my neck, feeling my body flush with heat. The tips of my ears burnt and I looked out for her familiar face, wishing in that moment I was looking for Olivia. She is the only one that gets me through.
Lola. She steals my clothes. She steals my fitbit. She grinds on me about stealing her snacks. She kicks my ass at beer pong. She's the only one who could ever come close to truly understanding. She insults me. She compliments me. We bicker a lot. Her choice of men makes me feel incredibly protective. She makes me feel protective. I love her like a sister.
"I didn't have a great childhood." I started now that the darkness was pushed back inside. "I was abused, physically, emotionally ... sexually. Soccer for me was an escape. It was the only way I could close off from what was going on at home. I would play the game and lose myself in the competitiveness and for that short amount of time I didn't think about what I had endured. Only the game mattered."
I spoke fast, in hindsight probably too quick for people to understand me but it was out there. I had said it and it felt... amazing. It felt freeing. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It didn't matter that I stuttered through my words and it didn't matter that my chest was frantically working hard just to breath. I had spoken my truth to what felt like the entire world and in that moment, maybe for the first moment in my life I felt extremely proud to be me.
I forgot to look out for peoples reactions, I forgot they were even here. I was so consumed in this feeling of lightness and pride that when the audience began to clap in support of me I was startled.
"I so sorry to hear that Liam, you are incredibly brave for sharing so candidly with us today. It makes it all the more beautiful that you fell in love with soccer and could use it as a form of escapism. Your dedication to the sport really has paid off."
I didn't hear the rest of the interview if I'm completely honest. I just nodded and smiled and hoped that would be enough. I felt like bungee jumping off a cliff or riding the worlds biggest, scariest roller coaster. The adrenaline pumping through my veins put me on the highest of highs.
I need to just do... something.