▶️ Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
When we come back, I no longer hold my head up high. I look at the ground. Neil greets us with a smile and Billy says "okay."
He holds out his hand and him and his father shake.
"If I ever see you around Billy again, or if anyone sees you around him or Maxine, you're dead." Neil threatens and I just nod politely.
"Neil!" Susan puts her hand over her mouth.
"Dad!" Billy defensively steps closer to me.
"A deal is a deal huh?" Neil looks at me.
"A deal is a deal." I look up to Neil for a second, trying to stop from tearing up. I get the message. I'll stop.
Susan looks at me with pity, and I don't care enough to challenge her stare.
"Now go get Maxine." Neil says.
Susan forgets about me and perks up at the mention of her daughter, walking over to Neil and wrapping her thin hands around his arm, leaning her head on his shoulder.
Like I'd do with Billy.
"Come on Ser-aphina." Billy stumbles over my name as if he's not used to saying it. And he isn't. He never calls me by my full name.
We walk silently out of the house, and around the block, then when we're not visible anymore we blink back to my house. Maxine is waiting for us with her new skateboard in hand. She jumps out of her skin when we come back.
She looks at our somber faces and her own hopeful face fades away.
"It didn't work did it?"
Billy and I exchange a glance and both of us try and put on faux happy faces for the young redhead.
"It worked Maxine, we're going home." Billy says with a half smile.
Max squeals and runs over to Billy, not even caring that he used her full name, and gives him a hug.
"We can go home!" She repeats as she runs over to me and wraps her arms around my middle as well. "We can go home!"
"Yeah." I rub her back slowly. "You can go home."
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go?" Max can barely contain her excitement.
Billy looks at me sadly. "It's okay." I mouth to him.
Billy nods.
"Stick to the plan." He says.
"Stick to the plan." I echo.
The three of us bunch close, Max looks up at me with her big eyes. "Are you going to blink now?" She asks.
"Eyes closed sweetheart." I brush my hand over her face and she closes her eyes. I look at Billy and he's had his eyes closed, his face is scrunched up and he's grimacing, preparing himself.
I blink us to the spot we've been going to, and Max practically starts running towards the house once she gains her bearings.
"Slow down Maxine!" Billy yells.
He looks at me and I get one last kiss, one last glance into his soulful blue eyes before he jogs off towards his sister.
There I stand, on the sidewalk, alone, watching Billy and Max run off. Hoping our plan will work, hoping that someday I can come back.
Eternally grateful for the time I've gotten to spend with him.
With my Billy.
*
I don't linger for too long over my sorrow, I file away the memories as if I'm filing away pictures in my collection. The good and the bad, the ugly. I'm just glad Billy gets another chance at life. I don't regret much, only that I couldn't take him with me and run away. But I know I couldn't do that. Because he couldn't leave Maxine in that house by herself.
The old Billy would have been able to. The old Billy would've followed me to the ends of the Earth, to Antarctica and Cairo, Egypt and the Amazons. The old Billy would've never looked back.
But the old Billy is gone.
Something happened to him, something changed about him. Being a prisoner in his old mind, having to give up control of his own body because the 'Mind Flayer' wouldn't take much resistance to thwart its plans.
Something happened, changed between him and Max when he got back. He revealed to himself and those around him that he loves her. He loves her, maybe even more than me. He feels a need to protect her to keep her on the right path, to keep her from turning out like him, or how he used to be.
Full of anger.
Quick to fight.
Unpredictable.
Volatile.
Violent.
When I look into Max's eyes I see she isn't there yet. There's still hope for her. But if Billy drops everything for me, instead of her, then she's doomed.
And that, that is why I left Hawkins.
*
Camera bag slung across my shoulders, and a cup of warm coffee in my hands, I look out at the snowy expanse. The expansive white in all directions I look is comforting. The gentle crackling of the flickering fire and the coziness of my Switzerland safe house calm me, and relieve the stress I've pent up over the past months. It's been busy with all the frantic blinking I've done even when I shouldn't have.
I sigh. The smell of pumpkin spice in the air is my way of trying to combat the smoke from the fire, even with the chimney in place sometimes the house gets smokey. I snap a picture of the slopes of snow, and the people like tiny ants who are skiing down the mountain. I got a new camera since the last time I was here, and I need to update my photographs. Most of the pictures appear to be a bunch of white, but I try to fit landmarks in. A tree, the lake, the tip of a mountain. I don't know why I'd ever want to blink up there, but I take pictures of the mountaintops anyways. It's nice, snow in the summer. I love the cold and always long for it when I am away. A perfect getaway. My socked feet make small pats along the wood floor, and I sigh.
I notice my aloneness and I smile at it. I haven't had much good alone time since I reunited with Billy. I've always been worried about him, doing something for him, or with him. And I guess this is technically doing something for him, getting away from him. But it's also for me too. I wrap myself in loneliness as if it's a blanket that will protect me through the cold winter nights.
I guess it isn't all lonely, I've been talking to Gus a lot lately.
Right on cue, the phone rings.
I take another sip of my coffee and pick it up.
"Good morning Seraphina!" Says Gustav.
"Morning Gus." I lean back against the wall.
"How are you doing today?" He asks.
"Fine I guess." I say.
"How's that boyfriend of yours?"
"We're done, remember?"
"For now." Says Gustav.
I sigh into the phone.
"Oh, right, yes, I remember, you don't want to get your hopes up." Says Gustav.
I take another sip of my coffee.
"Have you at least done what the boy requested?" Gustav continues.
"You are talkative today."
"You haven't answered the question."
I'm silent again.
"I'll take that as a no." Gustav chuckles.
"I just don't know how. What am I supposed to do, blink into her house? What if she's dead? What if I accidentally time blink and get stuck?" I ask.
"And what if she tells you what you need to hear, hmm?"
"I dunno Gus...I think the negatives of it outweigh the positives."
"Have you even been to check on him?"
I can't.
"I...I can't." I say.
"Why?" Gustav asks. "Have you even been back to how do you say it, Hawkins?" Gustav pronounces the little town's name like 'Haw-keens.'
"Hawkins." I correct him. "And no. It's too dangerous."
Gustav laughs loudly over the phone and I have to move it away from my ear.
"What?" I ask him slightly annoyed.
"My dear Seraphina, when have you ever been afraid of danger?"
When it's the kind that jeopardizes the lives of Billy and his sister and his stepmom.
"I'm not afraid. I'm just being cautious." I scoff. "Curiosity killed the cat."
"Curiosity also is what brought you to him in the first place, brought you to Haw-keens. I believe you have a fair amount of curiosity." Gus muses.
"So?"
Gus sighs.
"Seraphina, what are you doing?"
"Drinking coffee and talking to you."
"No, what are you doing, with yourself? Where are you going to go?"
I shrug and realize he can't see me so I reply, "I dunno. Wherever I want."
"Seraphina, you welcome loneliness so quickly when things get bad. But loneliness, although it can be your constant companion, will never bring you any peace. You have something good, so take it and run with it. It's like you've climbed a mountain only to turn around right before you reach the summit. If you just keep at something for a little while longer, you can have something to be proud of, to cherish. Seraphina you have felt love, and you know you can never escape it." Gustav says passionately.
"Cherish? I don't want to cherish anything. I want to explore, I want to wander. It's nice not being tied down." I retort.
"Yes, but what good are the snowy Swiss mountains in your mind if you have no one to share them with? The waves of loneliness will hit you again. First slowly, then all at once. You'll come crashing down like the snow off those mountains you so love." Gustav says. "And then what? You run back to Haw-keens to find your lover in shambles, your plan ruined because you couldn't stick to your side of the agreement? What good will that do for anyone, for him, for his family, for you?"
I exhale deeply.
Deep inside, I know he's right.
"I just...I just want everything to work out so badly, I don't want to go talk to his mother and have her tell me exactly what I'm afraid of hearing. I mean, she left him Gus. She abandoned him. Why should I listen to anything she has to say?" I ask hopelessly.
"Because. Because Billy asked you to. That was the one thing he asked you to do. You may find what you're looking for and you may not. But either way, the truth will set you free." Gus emphasizes every word of the last sentence.
The truth will set me free.
What has the truth given me? It's given me a town, a hometown I never asked for. It's given me a long lost lover, who knows my secret. It's given me a little sister, who lost someone in her life equivalent to my Tom. It's given me love, given me a purpose.
"I hate it when you're right." I sigh.
"Go find her. If she doesn't give you any words that make you want to take action then don't. Plan your next destination. But if she lights a fire in your belly with her wisdom, then fight. Run back to him Seraphina, run back to him and ignite his spirit so he too can fight again."
Says Gustav.