CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: All that mattered.
Natalie Cross
I sat in the study room staring at my cell phone that was across the room. I was debating whether to call him or not. Did he even want to talk to me? I thought. I really needed to talk to him. I walked on over and grabbed it. It was time for me to show no fear. I usually did that, what happened? I scrolled through my phone list and right there was Nate’s name in bright light. My finger was hovering over the call button and I was beginning to doubt this, but something in me just pressed it.
After four long buzzes he finally answered and I heard loud, booming noises. He was out, maybe even partying. How could I be so foolish to call him? “Hello?” He asked. His voice seemed tired and weary. I heard a couple of his friends yelling and him telling them to shut up. “Natalie?” he asked.
“How’d you know?” I asked buying time. I missed his voice.
“Caller ID I guess.”
“Oh, right.” I stammered and bead of sweat began to fall. “Look, Nate I called to say how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have even gone out with him and it was foolish of me to have even agreed to it.” There was a moment of brief silence, but I knew he was still there. I could hear him breathing in the other end. Say something, anything. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault I guess.” I began to smile. “But, um, I just don’t think anything’s going to happen between us anymore. You were right the first time, you moved on and it’s about time I did too.” Did you ever experience your heart being broke down into a million pieces like it hurts so much that no emotions seemed to show? That’s what happened at that moment. I couldn’t move, but all I did was hang up the phone and should’ve gone with my first instinct, I should’ve just stared at my phone.
I just dropped on the ground with my wide eyes open and cried and hugged myself and curled into a little ball. My parents weren’t around to see me like this, but the maids were. They all rushed over to me yelling and screaming if I was ok, but you didn’t need a rocket scientist to figure out that I wasn’t. I couldn’t move nor did I want to. I just wanted to stay still and let the word handle itself for once because right now, for once in my life, I didn’t want to do anything.
My eyes drowsily opened and my head started to pound like drums. I was in my bedroom with every memory of what just happened. I saw Talia and Sam sitting on each side of my bed while both were reading magazines. I honestly wondered what was going on with them. I no longer felt like any teenager with teenage problems, mine seemed a little more hostile than that. They finally noticed I was awake and both dropped their magazines and looked at me with curious eyes.
“We’re glad you’re awake.” Samantha said. “What happened to you?” She asked pouring me a glass of water. Talia grabbed the plate of chocolate macaroons in which I enjoyed. I propped myself into a sitting position and took a bite of my macaroons and a sip of my water. I shrugged. “Well, they said you passed out because of stress and the lack of nutrients your getting. I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy Nutty.” Samantha’s doe eyes looked at me in pure concern. I still shrugged, unwilling to tell them about Nate.
Nate. I felt like the world was collapsing again. “Nate,” I said out loud. Maybe saying it out loud could make it less true, but it wasn’t. He didn’t love me anymore. I cried again as if I was a broken faucet. I cried and cried, but more tears just came. My best friends stroked my back until I finally stopped. I didn’t tell them, but they knew they had to comfort me because right now they were all I had at the moment. I still cried even more that night until I finally closed my eyes because somehow, that was all I could do, cry.
Why did I even bother going to school? I’m pretty sure all I got was people talking about me and whispering. I decided not to care anymore. That’s how it started this year, that’s how I’m planning to end it off. I walked over to Talia’s locker as Randy and she were staring at each other like they were lost lovers. It should’ve made me moon on how cute they were, but all it got me was heart wrenching pain. I opened the magazine that was with me and just flipped through the pages. “How are you feeling Natalie?” Randy asked suddenly. I wasn’t even looking at the images, I was just looking and hoping something will happen.
“Awesome.” I replied with no energy. Samantha immediately erupted out of nowhere and started squealing. I felt like I had the biggest hangover. I begged someone to shut her up. She just jumped up and down. “What’s going on?” I asked just hoping when she told us so she could just shut up. I did care what she was excited for, but right now, I bet nobody really wanted to hear Samantha’s high pitched voice.
“Justin asked me out and I said yes!” Talia and she both jumped up and down and all I could do was raise a thumb. I wasn’t affected by it at all. I did admit that for the past weeks Justin and Sam were getting pretty close to each other, and I really did wish her for the best. I didn’t exactly jump up and down, but when I did get the chance I hugged her and congratulated her. When she got a breather she told us how Justin asked her out.
“It was at the field, after practice. Even though he was sweaty, he still looked gorgeous, but anyway. He took my hand and he admitted how much he liked me and stroked my face. He asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He kissed me and it was just too perfect. I mean, I’m sorry Natalie, but how could you have said no to him?” Talia elbowed Samantha’s rib and she squealed in pain. “I’m sorry.” She whimpered.
“It’s alright. I’m over it. See you guys later.” Alright, it was slowly affecting me. Not the whole Justin and Samantha thing, but the fact that everybody was falling in love. I guess I was cried out because my heart was telling me to, but I guess I just ran out of being able to care about anything anymore. I headed to Art class and another substitute was in. Good, this meant free draw and it was about time I drew something and right now, that’s all I needed, me and my pencil.
I ended up drawing figures of people exposing them of what they truly are. There was a figure of a happy person, but under that showed how much it wanted to kill itself. Well that was all the figures that I got. I just drew a bunch of happy people pretending they were happy, but beneath it all they just wanted to jump off a cliff because that’s what they wanted. I just realized that lunch break was already happening and the sub told me to leave. I didn’t want to go to the lunchroom so I took a detour towards the front tables outside.
It was sunny out so I guess that was something to be excited for, or not. I still sketched a bunch of happy figures. Maybe drawing them could make me feel happy, but it didn’t. I saw a lot of boys staring at me and it started to get really annoying. A senior came up to me and sat in front. I saw him from time to time. He was in the drama department I think his name was Owen Richards. I guess he was cute, but right now boys weren’t exactly on my good side. “My friends dared me to do this, but would you like to go out sometime for a drink maybe?” he stammered.
“No.” I answered and he looked embarrassed. I went back to my drawing as Owen slowly got up and walked over to his friends as they all laughed. What was weird about that lunch was that a lot of guys came up to me and asking me to go out. It was to the point where it was really irritating. I’m pretty sure Talia and Sam had something to do with this. Until it got to the point where other boys heard about it and did it voluntarily. “This is ridiculous.” I said to myself.
“Wow, I knew you were special, but I never knew other people knew it too.” Trick slid in front of me. Finally, somebody I actually liked, but I didn’t even bore a smile or greeted him. I just went back to my drawing. I was fine with the silence that lingered between Trick and I. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone especially anybody that associated with him. “I probably think you don’t want to hear this, but Nate’s pretty torn up about everything.” I didn’t want to hear it, and I also didn’t show any signs of curiosity. I just kept scribbling and making the patterns darker to emphasize how much he hurt me. Trick took my hand and I just stared at it.
“What are you doing?” I asked. I felt like running away.
“I need you to listen. You’re not the only one who’s feeling like this okay? You have no idea how much Nate regrets everything he said to you. Even if he did mean it do you really believe he could just immediately move on from you? It’s you Natalie not some other girl. He just couldn’t bear losing you again, so he told you those words to make you hate him.” He explained. I just stared into the distance avoiding Trick’s stare. I also wondered about him and how he’s feeling about everything with Sam and Justin. I knew he loved her.
“He got what he wanted.” I took my hand away and started drawing again.
“I finally understand his pain. His pain of watching his true love, love someone else.” Trick added. I still drew, harder this time, but he knew I was listening to his every word. “To want them to be happy, so you let them be happy with someone else. You hope you’d get a chance, but their happiness always comes first.” I dropped my pencil.
“How about when you finally had the chance, I promised him that I would never love anyone else, but I guess he couldn’t just agree to that. He let his jealousy override him. I thought maybe this time I was the one who made the mistake, but again, it was him.” I slammed my sketchbook closed and looked at Trick in the eye. “I’m sorry about Samantha, but right now, what you and I need the most is what they want from us, to move on, but the problem is you and I know we can’t. So, tell him that how come I’m always the one hurting?”
I got out of there and into the art room once more. I checked to see if the substitute was around, but no one was in the room. I rushed in and got a paint brush and a brand new easel. I haven’t done this in a while, but I dipped the brush onto the dark paint and started painting because the last time I did was when Nate kissed the girl.
It’s been two weeks and October is near its end. The Art Exhibition was today and I’ve finished my piece working nonstop. There was nothing that could stop me from my brush and the easel. I looked at it and I actually thought it looked amazing, I do love a modest person, but this was probably my best work yet. My mother walked in carrying a platter of sandwiches and drinks and she nearly dropped everything. She carefully placed the platter on the table and walked over to where I was. “Oh honey this is beautiful.” She said in amazement.
The picture showed prominent figures of a boy and a girl, but the trick to it was it could’ve been anything. It could’ve meant they were in love, it could’ve meant they were friends, enemies, or whatever, but the truth lies in within. I think whatever your feeling can reflect on what’s on the picture because when my mother explained on what she saw, she said they were so in love, but when I saw it, I saw that they were two confused figures not knowing what to do.
My mother called my father from upstairs and he helped us wrap it and send it to the exhibition. I’ve already been accepted and it was a thrilling ride for me. My parents congratulated me while I felt proud of my accomplishment, since it’s been a while since I’ve done things for myself. I breathed in and headed upstairs to go take a long shower and get ready for the fair.
It has been two weeks of constant work, but I’ve always spent time with Talia and Samantha. They said they missed me, but they understood what I’ve been through and decided not to dwell on it too much. We were at Daytona’s preparing for the fair. Talia and Randy were even more in love than yesterday and the day before that. I felt like crying, but like before, nothing came out. I rather felt embarrassed to be in the same room with them, it seemed too private.
Samantha came stag like me. Apparently, Justin had a private soccer practice due to college scouts that had come to town. She seemed pretty down about it, but they’ve gotten together once or twice. I thought about all the outcomes if I had said yes to Justin that I might be like her, watching and feeling from a distant.
We got our orders from a new boy. He wasn’t the one Talia brutally embarrassed from before, but this time this boy was amazingly cute. He turned to smile to me and had the whole baby teeth going on, but somehow there was no attraction. He probably thought there was since he gave my order for free. Samantha and Talia shoved me and I just shook my head. “Not again.” I said stabbing my mango flavoured ice cream.
“So have you spoken to Nate yet?” Randy asked. His hands were intertwined with Talia’s.
I shook my head. “Nope, and I’m not planning on it. I actually have my head on straight and finishing what I’ve started. Thinking about—things would just make it more complicated than it already is.” I explained. They were all halfway done their ice creams while I still took the first bite. Samantha took my hand in a caring way. I looked at her with a knowing look.
“He’s wondered where you’ve disappeared to nowadays.” Samantha added. It was true. During lunch periods I usually went to the art studio and worked on my painting. During study block, I actually studied. After school I went straight home and continuously worked on my painting. I necessarily didn’t have a life, but a life without drama is good enough for me.
“I’ve been working hard on my painting for the fair.” I replied.
“For two weeks straight?” Talia asked concern in her voice. I nodded.
“I really wanted to do a great job on it. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m doing fine, just fine.” I took the second bite and threw the remains away. I saw them look to each other quick, but I still noticed. They shot me a concerned smile. I shook my head. “I think I should get going. I need to prepare myself and I need to add some finishing touches to the painting. After this, you guys will probably see more out of me.” I walked out closing the door behind me. I saw them and wondered how my life turned this way. Did he really do that to me?
It was time. There were a bunch of people in the fair, no talk about thousands. It took place in the Clave Arena and that place was about the size of a football stadium. There were many art participants with a lot of beautiful pieces. I dressed myself in an H&M blouse, high waist jean shorts from Camden Market, and tights underneath it all. My hair was in a messy bun to make it look like I was an artsy person from Brooklyn.
I was excited for this event. The fair was about auctioning off your pieces to buyers. All the money goes to the Children’s Charity and for once in my life I felt like giving and no longer just standing there. I stood at my post with the ballot box in front of me. People would sign a slip of paper and put it in the box stating how much they were willing to buy it for and I must add that I was the only one who had two boxes filled. I blushed incredibly every time someone put a slip of paper in.
Talia and Samantha even put theirs in and took in what they saw from my picture. Talia’s opinion really mattered to me because she was a fellow painter herself, but she said she didn’t like doing it competitively, which was weird because she was the most competitive person I knew. They both congratulated me and left because there were other people in line too. There goes my third box.
“I’m pretty sure you’re a shoe in for this. You’re painting is glorious.” Sally Pierce complimented. I thanked her when she looked oh so dolled up. Her post was next to mine and she had a papier-mâché figures going on. I complimented her on it even though I didn’t know what half of them were. The fourth box was on now and I felt sorry for the counters who had to see who had the highest. The mayor was up there asking for everybody’s attention.
“Good afternoon everybody, I hope everybody is having a good time.” Everybody clapped their hands elegantly. “Well it’s time for the counters to count and see which of the buyers would get these wonderful pieces.” As each counters were counting and only mines were left to be counted for, each piece got over a thousand dollars even Sally’s. I guess it was my turn since the spotlight shed on me. I gulped wondering through all of the slips of papers which one was the highest? “Before we start, this particular piece has been granted the most popular.” Everybody applauded as Mayor Dutch gave me a blue ribbon and pinned it on my easel.
“Thank you,” I said through cheers.
“Now continue with the counting.” He bellowed. My heart started racing when they finished counting the last slip of paper. The two men stood up and took the mike from Dutch and cleared their throat.
“This is a new record for the fair auction,” My sweat practically falling from my face. I was as nervous as a child with its first dentist appointment. “With the bid of one hundred thousand dollars,” Everybody’s jaws dropped with a mixture of a thunderous applause. Who was crazy enough to bid that much? “This wonderful piece goes to, Nathaniel Ex.” Everybody screamed and applauded louder than before if it was possible, but I saw Talia and Samantha on the corner of my eye looking at each other. “Where is he?”
I saw Nathaniel’s maid take it from me. So, he wasn’t even here to see it. What did I expect for everything to be like before? I was only fooling myself again. When the mayor congratulated me I felt the need to just run like before and maybe just fall again. I walked to the empty side where all the extra things were and just sat on a box. I just won the most auctioned prize in history by the boy who wasn’t even here to see it. I clenched my fists that were on my leg.
“That was a beautiful painting.” I heard someone say. I didn’t even bother to look up anymore.
“Thanks.” I sniffed still avoiding that person’s stare.
“You should be since I spent a lot on that, but I guess it’s for a good cause right?” I looked up to see Nate, his golden hair and green eyes perfect against his face and head. I might have cried right then. I haven’t spoken to him in a while and hearing him just made my heart hurt because the last time I heard him he ended something that didn’t even start. I didn’t say anything; he didn’t deserve much from me. “Did you want to take a walk with me?”
“No.” I stood up and walked off, but he grabbed a hold of my arm.
“Please, just a walk.” He begged. I looked down and walked his way. I didn’t know what came over me. I just walked. Maybe it was because I finally saw him that I wanted it to be longer, but something in me just wanted to go the other way, but this time I stood my ground. He walked beside me and we left the stadium out in the dark. It was still about four in the afternoon, but it seemed like it was night time. I breathed in the cold air that left the condensation that was in the air when I breathed out.
“That was really beautiful though. I’m really proud of you.” He began saying.
“Doesn’t really matter, the fact that I did it was good enough for me.” We still began walking as we neared Log beach. It was near the stadium which is why many people enjoyed this area. The night made the beach look glorious as the dark waves toppled over each other. I took off my heels to touch the soft sand. Last time I’ve been to a beach was with Nico and it just hurt knowing I was here with Nate.
“I’m glad you did it for you. It’s about time you did something for you.” I nodded not knowing where this was heading.
“What’s this about Nate? It’s not too late to stop this. I’ll walk the other way right now and you’ll get what you want.” I just stood there staring at him. He looked unsure as the remaining sun illuminated his green eyes.
“I really said that huh?” he stifled a laugh. There was more awkward silence. I kept walking forward though except this time I wished he didn’t follow. The wind blew my hair as I took the hair tie off to let it hang loose. “You make it really hard to get over you.” He said from behind. Your decision, I thought. He caught my arm and I shook it off.
“What do you want Nate? Aren’t we done?” I asked angrily. He shook his head.
“We’re never done just like that. I’m sorry I ever said that. I was scared.” He began explaining. I didn’t say anything, but just the fact that he apologized made it hard for me to believe him. “I was in denial over the past few weeks. When you said you loved me I wasn’t sure if it was you or just an image of my imagination. When you were out with Nico I felt like you were slowly slipping away from me again.”
“I told you I loved you, not him.” I realized I started talking like nothing ever happened, but a lot did happen. Will I just forget and let everything be okay?
“That’s just really hard for me to believe considering how much I longed for you and all of a sudden I have you. Can I really just have you without even trying?” he asked like he was crazy, but I saw tears on his face. I walked closer to him and gently touched his face. I wiped away the tears and looked at him. I was willing to forget everything.
“Yes.” I answered his question. He looked at her and held her hand to his face. “I’m sorry too. I never should have agreed to it without knowing it would’ve hurt you. I’m sorry I acted like a stubborn princess, but could you blame me when the person I love hurts me?” He held my hand as we were walking again.
“You know the feeling huh?” I elbowed him on the ribs and he laughed. “So you love me, it’s kind of refreshing to hear without anybody to interrupt.” He said. I smiled. The waves seemed tamed as its thunderous noise was over. Maybe it was a sign that the worse was over.
“I love you.” I practically yelled. We both laughed. He twirled me around and we both gazed into each other’s eyes. He was leaning to me for a kiss, but I moved away. “I love you,” I ran and ran and he was laughing chasing after me. I didn’t realize, but when I ran I stepped on something soft and I looked at the ground and I stepped on a red rose petal. I wondered even more since it was trailing forward. I kept following it and it led to a tent.
My eyes were looking in amazement. The tent was white and there was a table with candles and violinists playing a wonderful melody. I walked over and saw there were two dishes and my stomach grumbled. I haven’t eaten in days I supposed. I just stood there struck dumb. Maybe I stepped into somebody else’s dream, but Nate came from behind me and hugged me tenderly. “Surprise,” He whispered into my ear.
“What is this?” I asked still in shock.
“Something I hope you’d forgive me with.” He removed his lock and pulled out the chair for me. He set up dinner in beautiful scenery with violinists. Nate did this all for me. I sat down reluctantly pinching myself. “What are you doing?” He asked looking at me strangely.
“I think I’m dreaming.” I said, but when I pinched myself it stung. I heard him laugh.
“Well it’s not.” He spoke smiling. He poured a glass of sparkling apple juice and I couldn’t help, but smile. It was just minutes ago when I absolutely hated him and that my heart was continuously breaking, but now everything was different. I completely forgot about all the hurt and pain that’s been caused because once forgiveness took over, you’ll be happy. He just gazed at me with his green, dazzling eyes. “I have something for you.”
He pulled a piece of white paper out of his pocket. I sat up curiously. I’ve never noticed or maybe never really looked at him, but his eyes were the darkest shade of green. If you first glanced at it you might find it depressing, sorrowful, but knowing Nate, that was most likely that last of his personality traits. I took the piece of perfect paper and unfolded it gently. I smiled as I stifled a laugh knowing this was all too familiar, but this time, I was happy.
“Another note,” I whispered to myself. He walked away from me as I began to read the beautiful writing that his hands could make. I breathed in a couple to steady myself. Why am I making such a big deal out of this? I was because it was him; everything about him was a big deal for me. Every single moment I spend with him is a treasure because losing him would cause me to be the lost Natalie I was. For the longest October it has been. I started reading the first beautiful words on the white, yet fragile paper.
Though this may be silly or childish, this was the only way I feel that it could connect us both. I could say it out loud, to the world even, but I feel as if you’d like it this way. I enjoyed the way your light, green eyes lit up even with tears coming from it as you were reading it. Even though you were sad, you were thinking of me, of me.
I begged the heavens endlessly hoping you would read this and enjoy what I successfully set up for you. Even I must admit it was pretty good on my part. What I’m trying to say is that I’d hope you would forgive me for all the mistakes and stupid decisions I made. I’d go through everything for you to be with me again.
I love you, only you. I’m not going to make any promises that I won’t make any mistakes, I’ll only promise you that I’m not perfect and I’ll most likely make mistakes, but I want to tell you beforehand that I’m sorry. I truly am. The last thing I want you to be is sad over something my mistake did. I know it took a lot out of you to give me a third chance, but what is humanity with no chances?
I admire you by the way. You’re strong for being able to handle everything by yourself without anybody to lean on. Alright you do have your friends, but I do know for a fact everything you tell them is half the truth. Being with you I know the way you think. You don’t want to burden anyone, but somehow I knew you were always open with me.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve shown me, even if we weren’t together for the most dramatic part. After you read this I want you to turn around and look at me in the eye and tell me that you love me or walk away right now to know that you don’t.
I turned around. How silly that he’d think less of me, but there he was looking at me gazing. His golden hairs made me want to put my hand and just course it through his head. I wanted to kiss that lovely mouth of his. I wanted him most of all, him and his beautiful heart. “I love-”
“No, this time I want to be the first to say it. You’ve said it enough times to make me believe it and so, I love you Natalie. More than words can say. I love you and you only, the one I truly love.” He took my face gently onto his and his lips found mine.
For the first time in a while, I was sure. Young love could be laughed at from a distance knowing that many adults say that it’s just a phase, but is it really? Most marriages now occur from loves that happened long ago, it didn’t matter if you were together for that much or whether you were just lost and finally found them again. It didn’t matter as long as you were together. I looked at him and wondered all the obstacles we overcame to finally feel the easiness of being together, with nothing to stop us.
Nate picked me up and dropped me for a second. He bent down to pick up something as I smiled. I kept Nate’s note since he gave it to me. I always kept it in my back pocket for inspiration. Talia and Samantha thought I used it to create anger for myself, but in reality I just wanted a piece of him anywhere and everywhere I go. No matter what I felt for him. He looked at me again and kissed me once more.
Everything was a blur I just relished the moment I was with him. Kissing him like this not caring about who would disapprove or who would feel hurt because this time I felt happy for me. I had him and finally. We hugged each other as I could feel the last day of the October breeze. This month was long for sure, but the longest month was often the one to remember. Even if I had many to deal with for this month, I feel as if I’d trade everything to witness it again. To know how much stronger I got. I looked at the boy I love. He smiled at me and somehow, that smile was all that mattered.