"You want me to what?"
Jace sat in the bed supported by pillows, feeling a little like Jabba the Hutt, whereas Phoenix sat on a chair next to the bed like a servant, helping him eat.
Not a situation he wanted them to live out every day.
They had moved into their new home a week prior and settled well within their new surroundings. It was heaven to not be in a room that constantly smelled like a clinic and was decorated like a birthday party at McDonald's. Not that Jace could ever hate on Cloud for making his room festive for him and Phoenix.
Mackenzie had done well with their rooms.
They all had.
Even Cloud had reined in her powers and helped make a home that fit his and Phoenix's tastes. She was the best in-law Jace could have ever wished for. With her, it was like having a mother again, somebody who cared and loved unconditionally. Cloud filled a hole Jace had had in his life for a long time.
Her help was invaluable.
Mackenzie's too.
Jace loved the color scheme; the way Mackenzie had made it soft with the off-white walls and given it some masculinity with blue and darker tones of grey. He was happy there, though he would be happy anywhere with Phoenix...
Just not twenty-four fucking seven.
"Babe, I need to learn how to be alone, and you need to see more than these walls and my handicapped ass." Jace sighed at the face Phoenix put up. Like a kicked puppy. His eyes got sad, and his mouth practically quivered.
It was not Jace's intention to hurt Phoenix, he just wanted more for Phoenix than to end up reduced to his personal nursemaid; not for Phoenix to feel unappreciated. Phoenix was a wonderful man, with a life, job, and interests. He needed to be the Phoenix Jace loved. The one who had fascinated Jace and made him want to know more about him.
The one who was independent and raw in his way of living.
With all the time Phoenix had devoted to Jace's care, he deserved to go see a movie, eat at a proper table with some friends, or just go to the gym or the mall.
Or home.
Phoenix had not slept in his own bed for over a month and a half.
They needed to become what they were before, free and independent individuals who wanted to share their time. Their relationship was not supposed to be that unequally balanced. Though Jace could never thank Phoenix enough for everything he did and had done since the attack, he wanted a proper relationship, one where he contributed too.
Giving Phoenix space to be himself was part of that. It was what Jace could do to maybe help Phoenix connect with the man he used to be.
"I'm not asking you to move out. All I'm asking is you do something for yourself. I'm sure there's a sandbag at the gym just calling for you to show it how badass you are at kickboxing?" Jace smiled. Phoenix at the gym always made him hot, he loved watching the man move gracefully while he trained. "Or some papers and shit Gareth needs you to go through. Phoenix, I can be alone for an hour or two."
Phoenix sat there, not sure what he should do. Jace had directly asked him to go away.
He felt completely deflated and unneeded.
Out of sheer reflex, he picked up some hash browns Jace dropped from his fork while eating. Jace had gotten a lot better at the smaller things, but sometimes his muscles spasmed a little, and he dropped things. It had become a habit for Phoenix to just pick up whatever he dropped. To wipe his chin if drinking went wrong, and find clean shirts if it went totally downhill.
Everything had become routine.
No matter how tedious, it was a labor of love.
Everything he did to make it easier for Jace, and then he got sent packing?
"Phoenix, we can start small. Maybe thirty minutes at the gym and then come back? You know I'm uneasy about being alone, but I need to learn. I can't have you doing everything for me the rest of my life."
"I know, Baby, I'm just afraid something will happen and nobody's here to help you." Phoenix sighed and rubbed his face. "I know it sounds selfish, but I can't sit more days and nights in a hospital room. It'll kill me."
That part Jace understood; he went crazy himself those weeks he was stuck there before they had moved. Knowing how long Phoenix had sat there day in and day out while Jace did his Snow White routine in a coma had to have been unbearable.
"I'm not going to go roller-skating while you're out, I'm just going to watch some tv and maybe be alone with my thoughts."
"Ok, don't be mad at me. Just be careful. I want you to recover."
Jace's face softened. He loved how Phoenix cared and took everything on him, and he understood his fears. "I could never get mad at you."
Hesitantly, Phoenix helped move the bed table when Jace had finished his breakfast. "Do you want me to leave now?"
Jace smiled, a little saddened. "No, Babe, I don't want you to leave. I want you to go do something for yourself. Mackenzie will be here soon, then you can go. Tomorrow, we can try without a chaperone."
Phoenix was uncertain of what to do. He could mind his own business in the other room until Mackenzie came. He just did not want to. It crippled his usually assertive and take-charge personality to be told off like a child in the way.
"Can I hold you until she arrives?" he asked shyly.
"Why are you even asking that, Phoenix? I'm not a porcelain doll. We used to fuck like monster trucks crashing in an arena. I think we can hold each other like a normal couple without me breaking."
Carefully, Phoenix crawled onto the bed and rested back on the supportive pillows, pulling Jace to his chest. He let his fingers tangle into Jace's hair and sighed. Holding him in daylight felt comfortable and couple-like. It was the first time in all the years they had been together that he held Jace in his arms like that. He had held him for other reasons, but never just as a boyfriend.
Since the move from Dublin, each encounter between them had happened at night and in secret, usually in a drunken haze, and he had always sneaked out before Jace woke up.
Always.
They had never done the real couple things. Never gone on actual dates, never walked somewhere in public, holding hands. They went out in secret and held hands when not near where they guys were and could get discovered. And they kissed in the shadows. Apparently, Cracker had seen them once, but they had never shown their relationship, if they could call it that. What they had had, in the beginning, was physical, not emotional.
Now that they were out, they could act lovey-dovey, and holding Jace felt like a reward to Phoenix for his efforts since Jace's attack. It was not something he expected on a daily basis, he simply enjoyed it while it lasted.
For the first time, they dozed off in each other's arms, allowing them to sleep at the same time. Mackenzie's knocking on the door pulled them back.
"The fuck?" Phoenix grumbled and rubbed his tired eyes.
"Am I too early?" Mackenzie stuck in her head only to find them curled up on the bed. It was the cutest sight seeing those big, bad gangsters cuddle like that.
They both looked tired.
"You two look like crap. What do you say to me sitting here, playing on my phone, while you both take a nap?" Mackenzie pointed an accusing finger at them in turn. "And don't even try to give me any bullshit about you being busy or you don't want to waste my time."
For once, Phoenix did not argue with her. He pulled up the covers to keep Jace warm, wrapped his arms around him, made him rest his head on his chest again, and just closed his eyes.
The grateful smile Jace gave her before he sunk into Phoenix's embrace said more than any thank you could.
It was the sweetest to see them sleep peacefully. Mackenzie sat in the other room, keeping an eye on them in case Jace should wake up with his rants about that night, but he slept without incident.
Maybe what they both had needed to sleep was the other being there? From what Mackenzie observed, they could quite possibly have hindered their best chance of sleep by what they did with not sleeping at the same time.
Together.
It was an easy wait. They were both exhaustedly comatose, not moving at all, and Gareth, though he should be working, sent her cutesy messages to entertain her.
Ok, they were not cute; they were dirty.
He obviously thought with the downstairs head, not that she minded. After their visit to Devil's tattoo parlor, their sex life had ignited again. They had not lost the desire for each other, just all their life obligations had put a dampener on things. That visit gave them the desire to make time for private fun. Also, Gareth had been a little tame, maybe because he was afraid to cross her boundaries.
He was not tame anymore.
The little teasing games and dirty texts made their lives more fun and less stressful. Gareth seemed a lot less tense and happier when Mackenzie saw him.
He was no longer tentative with her.
He had asked her if she was ok with allowing Devil to join their bedroom fun one day, which she was all for. As long as it was clear, Gareth held ultimate power. Whatever Devil wanted to do, he needed Gareth's approval. Both of them knew Devil was ok with that. He had respected Gareth's status with Mackenzie from the moment they set foot in his shop.
Wanting to invite Devil in was not because Mackenzie needed anything other than Gareth, and not because it obviously turned him on to see her with another. It was because she had always hated the idea of orgies and just being a piece of meat there to service others, because King never asked or cared. Every encounter was what he had wanted from her.
With Devil, she got an experience in a safe environment, proving to her that sexual play did not all have to be violent and unpleasant.
Gareth had asked and respected her reply.
Mackenzie erased the horrible memories and created new, pleasantly memorable ones. Devil should never become a constant in their sex life, but he could be a spicy something extra if they needed it from time to time. Or maybe somebody else could. The options were open for them to decide when and if a possibility arose.
She found a lot of fulfillment in being heard. Gareth asked her openly and listened to her thoughts on a subject. If she said no to something, he never tried to persuade her or argue, he simply respected her no at face value. It made her trust him more with the other things she allowed.
The texting, she liked a lot.
They did not send nudes or anything, more like subtle hints of what they thought and wanted to happen or do to the other when they had the time.
By the looks of it, they would have time later that evening.
It took almost three hours and a lot of dirty texts before Phoenix woke up. He gently got himself untangled from Jace, who was still out for the count.
"Thank you, I needed that." Phoenix smiled softly and looked close to being well-rested for the first time in ages. He turned his head to look at Jace, who slept peacefully, tangled in the duvet, hugging the pillow instead of Phoenix.
It was nice to see Jace sleep, and not be as worried as he had been every other time. Maybe they needed to sleep at the same time, to get quality sleep? It was something he needed to think about and maybe test.
Phoenix sighed, ready to honor his promise to Jace. "Would you mind staying? If he sends you away when he wakes, it's ok. But at least stay until he wakes?"
"Of course, I'll stay. Where are you going?" Mackenzie replied with a quizzical face, studying Phoenix because that was a new request.
Phoenix shrugged. "I have no idea. It's the first time I'm going out without a purpose. I can't remember what I used to do before all this happened."
"Just do something. Maybe the gym? Get some frustrations out?"
Nodding at the suggestion, Phoenix went into the closet and changed. It was not such a bad idea. Maybe beating the shit out of a practice dummy or kicking a boxing bag would help him release the emotional, physical, and sexual tension in him.
Thinking about it made Phoenix happy with the decision. He had been afraid to leave Jace because he did not want Jace to feel like he paced him to recover. Or to make Jace feel like he longed for something that did not include him, and certainly not make Jace feel like it was a chore for Phoenix to help him. Phoenix wanted their lives back, and he would do it at a tempo, befitting Jace's recovery.
It was a good feeling Phoenix had when he came out of the closet dressed in his gym outfit. "Jace told me to go beat up a sandbag, I think since you both suggested it..."
"Off with you. Have fun."
Mackenzie waved at Phoenix as he left and was about to go back to the boring game on her phone when Jace sat up in the bed.
"Is he gone?"
"Yes, he just left. Want me to call him back?"
"Fuck no. Come help me." He struggled to get out of the covers Phoenix had wrapped him in like a caterpillar. His motor skills were a lot better, but even at his best, his skill set did not include emerging from a cocoon of fluffy duvets like a butterfly.
Mackenzie came over and observed Jace's inelegant struggle with the duvet before she helped him free. "Mind cluing me in here? Are you going somewhere?"
"No, not at all." Jace waited until Mackenzie got him free from the covers and then laid on his back, pulling his left leg up and doing exercises. "I can't do this with him here. He wouldn't let me do it. But I need to."
"Take it easy," Mackenzie scolded mildly.
Jace smiled at her concern. His forehead already showed small beads of sweat at his exercises. He kept going, doing sets of ten with each leg.
"I'm much further along than anybody knows. I've convinced mom and dad to cover for me when they babysit."
"Jace, what are you talking about? They're not babysitting you. None of us are. We're keeping you company until you can go out and find company yourself."
He stopped for a second, his smile gone and his eyes burned with hate. "I'm getting back in shape. I'm getting control back, and then I'm going to be part of taking Grychenko down. No one can take that from me. I've earned that right, and I want my pound of flesh."
Jace went back to his exercises.
The determination in him shone through, and so did the pain of what he put himself through.
"I know Phoenix means well, but he's too afraid of me getting hurt right now. I need him out so I can become me again."
"You could just tell him. He's not dumb, just protective. The Phoenix I know wants the old Jace back," Mackenzie pointed out and sat in the chair where Phoenix usually sat.
Jace switched to sit-ups while he thought about what Mackenzie had said. It was not because he enjoyed keeping secrets from Phoenix, or did not want him to know the progress he had made. He just needed to do something for himself, something that he made the choice to do before anybody decided it for him.
Since he had woken up, everybody had told him what to do and when.
When to have physical therapy, when to eat, when to sleep, when to see doctors, where to live, and how to live. Not that he did not appreciate all the efforts, but he sometimes felt people overlooked he might want a say himself.
The only one he wanted to tell him what to do was the one person who obeyed his every whim. Who listened to everybody else and went along with it without his usual skepticism and control.
He did not want Phoenix like that.
Jace did not like when Phoenix was insecure and compliant. Phoenix had always been a no-nonsense kind of man. Though caring, attentive, and utterly wonderful in the way he treated Jace and protected him, he was also a strong Dominant. A fierce and controlling personality who needed to be in contact with that side of himself to think straight. It was like Jace's condition emasculated Phoenix, and Jace wanted Phoenix to fucking find his balls and be himself.
The sit-ups made him wince in pain. His stomach was the worst area to get back in shape. Internally, he functioned well again. But his once amazing six-pack looked like a massacred pack of slider buns.
The scar was wicked!
Ugly as fuck, but wicked, nonetheless.
But his muscles had gone to hell in a handbasket. They were like dough. Some of them had gotten damaged in the attack as well. One thing about Jace they all knew: he did not take the easy road, he worked hard and reaped the benefits.
"I know he does, and I'm going to give him the old Jace. I want us to be us again. Well, us, but a new version. I just need time and a little space. He's not himself right now. If he was, he'd have realized I only need help with some things, and I love he's willing to do that, but I want the real Phoenix."
Jace chuckled, smiling at all his memories of Phoenix.
The grumpy fucker had been a large part of his life for a long time. He missed the Phoenix, who would just slap the back of his head if he said something inappropriate, who would scold him when he joked too much. The one who had no problems asserting himself and telling Jace what he wanted and needed.
"Do I sound ungrateful if I say I want the grumpy Phoenix? I adore his soft and helpful side, and I know people are in awe of Phoenix being that emotional and soft." Jace laughed, grabbing his stomach to laugh more. Phoenix's soft side, he had seen plenty of times back in the day, and it had been needed then. But he had always reverted back to himself when his softer approach was not needed anymore. "But I love the old him."
Mackenzie nodded in understanding. "Do you want me to try to talk with him?"
"Would you? I just need maybe an hour a day, to begin with. When he's more comfortable leaving me, I can get more time to train."
"Let me get you some water before I go find him."
Mackenzie grabbed a bottle from the mini-fridge they had in the room. Having that saved Phoenix a lot of running back and forth to the kitchen. They got their food delivered, and Natalya had everything they needed around the clock. All they had to do was call, and like a fairy godmother, Natalya made it appear.
"Ok, I'll go find Phoenix. Give him a bit of understanding, ok? He's not having an easy time with all this. And take it slow, you'll sprain something going at it that hard."
Jace sent her a cheeky grin. "You know me. I like it the hard way. Just let me do this, Cupcake."
Rolling her eyes with a smile, Mackenzie left Jace to his exercises.
He was right, though. He needed to get back in shape, and he had earned the right to be part of the team that took Grychenko down. Maybe Gareth would grant Jace the kill too. Mackenzie did not know how Gareth felt about that. She hoped he would consider it for the pain Jace suffered and for the pain it put Phoenix through.
It was something she needed to talk with him about. Jace's rights were something she would go to bat for. Gareth, in the end, just wanted Grychenko off his back. To him, it was not about the kill itself. His death meant peace and freedom, and because of that, he could get persuaded to let Jace get his revenge.
She closed the door and turned to go to the gym, but bumped directly into Phoenix, who just stood there with a sad expression on his face. His hair looked like he had raked his fingers through it repeatedly.
"How much did you hear?"
"Enough." He shrugged.
Mackenzie lifted a finger at him. "It's not polite to eavesdrop."
"I was halfway to the gym when I remembered I forgot my sports tape. I thought Jace would still sleep so I could sneak back. Really, I didn't mean to hear your conversation. I had imagined no conversation with him sleeping."
They stood in silence, waiting for the other to say something. Mackenzie saw the sincerity in Phoenix. He had not just gone outside to look at his phone and wait until he could come back. He had come back for a reason, thinking Jace still slept.
"Am I really that bad? Am I a helicopter boyfriend? Don't I give him space to breathe?"
"Don't think like that. Think of it as a privilege that you know how he feels and then use that to support what he needs."
"I'm going to, only..." Phoenix avoided eye contact and just looked up at the ceiling. "When do I get what I need?"
Damn, he sounded pathetic.
Phoenix already knew he had no right to ask something like that. He was just lonely and tired. The fact of the matter was, that he needed to be held. He had been there for Jace for so long, and he needed Jace to hold him just for a while. To tell him that everything would be ok again.
He had almost no strength or belief left.
Every day he tried.
Every day, he was there. Just for a minute, he wished Jace was there for him. That was what he needed to recharge his energy. As long as he could not be himself, he needed Jace to give him the energy he usually took from him.
On a subconscious level, Phoenix understood he was a little bitch about it, and he needed to suck it up and wait his turn. It would just go a long way if Jace initiated once in a while. Simple things like taking his hand, leaning in for a kiss, or asking him how he was. He was not crazy enough to want sex, but some intimacy.
If only emotional intimacy.
A little something to keep him going.
Something to show him that Jace had not forgotten who he was. Who they were.
Seeing the pain in Phoenix, Mackenzie knew both he and Jace suffered unnecessarily in the situation. "What is it you need, Phoenix?"
"Hope."
"You know what? Take it. Don't be such a wuss."
Mackenzie thought about how Gareth had held back on her, how she had needed to be the aggressor to get him to snap out of it. Maybe that would help for Phoenix too.
"You know, Gareth was right there. He saw me and saw what he wanted, and he wanted to be himself around me, but he walked on eggshells to protect me. You and Jace are the same. Do you want Jace back? Then treat him like you did before."
Mackenzie reached up and placed her hand on Phoenix's chest. She felt his warmth and how his heart raced a mile a minute. She could only imagine how his brain spun like crazy.
Unsure what to believe, Phoenix pondered the suggestion. "Are you sure?"
"No, but you're his Dom, right?"
It was a gamble to say it like a statement. Mackenzie was unsure about those two. But it was something in their personalities. She could not imagine Phoenix being anything but dominant, and Jace, being the kind of guy he was, seemed to need somebody to put him in his place and harness him. To give him some structure or he would spin out of control.
The way Phoenix had understood her situation with Gareth told her Phoenix knew about BDSM and was well versed in that world. He had probably handled insecure subs in the past, which was why he had talked with her and encouraged her as he did.
"Claim him, make him want to please you again, not the other way about. It was your dynamic; Jace was the happy, stupid one. You were the grumpy one, putting him in his place, reining him in. Two halves of a whole."
Mackenzie tried to find a way to explain it to Phoenix. It was a long shot. Knowing how she felt about Gareth and his behavior, she felt Jace would have the same issues.
"I don't think Jace knows how to be with you when you're not being the man, he knows you as. The reason he does things behind your back is probably to piss you off enough to bring the old Phoenix out."
Phoenix did not appear to be convinced. He frowned as he thought really hard about it.
"Go on, Phoenix. He needs you to take charge."
Conceding to logic and well-meant advice, Phoenix drew in a breath. "Ok, but you're buying me ice cream and watching action movies with me while I cry like a five-year-old if he gets mad at me."
"Deal." Mackenie winked at him.
Phoenix leaned in and kissed Mackenzie's forehead. "Thank you, Cupcake."
He walked around her and slammed the door to the room open. Mackenzie waited in anticipation, standing at the door, and shamelessly peeked in to see if it went well.
"What's going on?"
Jace sat on the bed, not knowing what Phoenix had a temper tantrum about, but the door certainly took some of it. Phoenix went straight into the closet and came back out with a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts he threw in Jace's lap.
"What the hell, Phoenix?" Jace raged, more from confusion than actual anger.
The way Phoenix walked over to Jace and sat down beside him on the bed was intense and a little scary for Mackenzie to witness. She had never seen that side of Phoenix.
He grabbed Jace's chin and held his gaze.
"What did you just call me, Boy?" Phoenix's voice was soft and neutral, which made it scarier than if he had yelled Jace in the face.
Jace's eyes widened, and then he relaxed into the way Phoenix held his chin.
"Ground rules, Boy. The gloves are off. You'll not lie to me anymore. You'll not sneak around doing things behind my back and ask people to help you. And you'll do whatever the fuck I tell you to, and you'll do it without question. Do I need to repeat myself?"
"No, Mister P."
"You'll put the clothes on, and I'll help you get your ass in that wheelchair. I'll take you to the gym and into whichever machine you want. If you need my help, I'll help you, otherwise, I'll go teach a sandbag a lesson until you're so tired of training you're ready to faint."
Mackenzie could see from the side that Phoenix smiled, and she was certain it was not one of his charming smiles.
"You'll train every single day. I don't care if you're sore or tired. You'll train when I tell you to but only for as long as I say. We'll sleep together here every night, and I'll go back to work. When I'm not here, you'll fucking behave or so help me, I'll put you back in that wheelchair the day you can handle me again. Are we clear?"
Mackenzie waited for Jace to submit and give himself to Phoenix's demands. Or say something typically stupid.
He did not.
Jace smiled.
"I love you, Phoenix. Thank you."
"I love you too, Baby. Now get dressed."
Hi dear Watlings.
Thank you for reading.
Oh, Jace and Phoenix needed a little push to get back in the groove. Do you think Mackenzie was right in Jace doing things behind Phoenix's back to trigger Phoenix? It did seem like they both needed him to take charge. I just love them, they're so sweet together.
If you like it, then pop a vote and please leave comments. The comments are important for me to know how the story is progressing and the characters are developing. And I'd love to know what you think and interact with y'all.
Give me a follow too for updates on other work and put this book in your library. I'd appreciate that.
Love, Alix
©Alix Davenport, Copenhagen, 2021