*I highly suggest you really play the song as you read
Secretly laughing, secretly crying
While hiding my state
The day that seems to be beyond my capacity passes by
He himself does not understand how it breaks. No bullet to pierce through, no cracks that happened to be, not even a hand to tear off the mask he wears beneath. It was unseen but present, something built and tested through time yet at the moment he knew nothing, it fell, not even a process of little by little. It just fell.
A successful performance, yet still there were things to be done. But he did not despise this. For his group always brought justice to the hard work each member gave, so to give more was not something burdensome. The red and black stage outfits they wore were hung around the dressing room. Members stumbling in dressing stalls here and there. Others were wiping their makeup off, trying to leave their explosive selves on the stage to get a good night's sleep. Leon was doing the same thing, but his next destination was far from the bed.
"Are you coming home with the boys, Leon?" The manager who was trying to round up the boy, wake them enough to go to the car. The older man was used to at least one of the members not being part of the countback home. But he would always pray that one of these days, all of the boys would go back home. Yet that was not today. Even though he saw the boy wearing clothes just like the rest, he would not be going home. "Not today, hyung. I'll be going back to the company." His hands tried their best not to graze his face, as it might emphasize his tiredness, so it swept his hair that begged to be a mess. A mess because of sleep, and not of countless hours of his hand grasping it to keep awake.
"Okay. But take a nap at least before you start working." But he did not promise. Leon never did, because, for those kinds of things, there are always chances he won't hold up his end of the deal. So he just won't promise.
Only if sleep was a friend of his. Maybe it would've caused him to slumber, at least for a minute. Better to sleep than do what he was doing right now. His mind was not working, yet it would not shut down.
Open, and running, yet frozen on the screen and so unproductive.
Not allowing his feet to steer into expression, fingers couldn't even go against the keyboard for what to type? The lyrics that were on his heartstrings were clogged, was his heart even beating? He was wasting time. His eyes may have not met the clock but he knows he is. Why waste time on pauses? Why stop?
Yet his CPU wouldn't allow other further commands than for his words to say the same thing over and over again.
"Need to work hard. Work hard. Work hard."
Today as well, the words that can't be said
And can only be reflected inside one's heart
I'm having a hard time
I'm having a hard time
I'm having a hard time
Maybe his eyes closed for a moment too long. Or maybe his frozen state had stopped yet not preserved time. It was nine in the morning, the sun waiting to soar to the highest point of the sky for the day. Yet his studio whose blinds protected him against the world, or maybe it protected the world against him, who knows? But it did its part and made him stay in his own world. Yet sometimes, it's better to be in the clouds than in a bubble of yourself.
His phone, which was untouched the night because of his unproductivity, was on the table. The only possible way for his cry of help. A few contacts there but rest assured almost all were willing to save him. But isn't that too selfish of him to ask? Why share the words of his heart when he can't even function. Why also rope other people and take their time as well, it would be taking the same hours and not increasing any span?
But how his thumb lingered on all their names. Maybe it would slip and allow him to call for at least one of them. And it did slip, it slipped too perfectly, and hit the contact of one of his members. A member who needed much more time than he did yet was always so hardworking and productive. Why had he called Chan? Was he that desperate? Yes. He desperately needs that help.
"Leon?" His voice was enough for Leon to zoom in on all he had missed the past hours. How cold the air seemed to be against the shirt that clung to him. His back sore from trying to uphold all his existence, maybe the chair though deserved more credit. The bags under his eyes, the tints in his eyes, whether he only could see or it wasn't a hallucination, were signs of how he did not sleep. He must've just stared for the night, too lost and too exposed with his face.
He was overwhelmed and words were the farthest thing from his mind.
This is not a wrong dial. First of all, Leon's really careful about his phone for that not to happen. Second, how his breaths seemed to be desperately reaching the other side yet couldn't meet with it. How could it, when it could barely hold on its side? With all this, Chan knew the younger boy needed him. He needed Chan even though he was still unsure as to why.
"Leon, bub, what's happening there?"
"Come on bub, tell hyung. It's been a long time since I've visited your studio."
His words held true but so random. Yet he just kept on speaking as his body tried to keep pace with his thoughts. Why was he speaking, wasn't it also taking his energy that could've helped to rush faster? Maybe, but Chan knew he had to keep Leon on the phone at least. At least before he gets there. Even though they were breaths of struggle, they were still a sign of life.
"Kids, I have to go! I'm going to pick up Leon."
His plan was to walk out and run after that. But Hyunjin had kept up at him, insisting he would come. The older boy wanted to let the boy stay, at least one less boy outside their home. But the firm line on Hyunjin's lips made him listen to the younger boy. Even though his face seemed stoic, his eyes and hand that held Chan's so softly yet supporting his was telling him he must. "Hyung, I know what to do."
This then caused two boys to hurry to the building. Both speaking, hoping that Leon would speak soon. Another sign of life in him. Yet the moment he did, it made them worry more and try their best to arrive faster. A sign of life, but what life?
"I'm having a hard time."
"I'm having a hard time."
His words were not monotone. It held its own colors, yet repeated like a record player. A song of pleading trying to outshine the yellow, neons, and rainbows, to prove something it is not.
Whenever you're having a hard time
You can be hugged by me
I am the same
No matter how much you hide it
You know you can't hide it forever
How many rooms have they passed? Are they even going to the right door? Unsure of how they arrived at the location, they just hoped their souls would find Leon's. Even amidst the crowd and the music. The crowd of great people and music of healing, yet not what they seek right now. Those are all nothing, not until Leon was with them.
Fate tried her hand and guided them towards the other boy. His eyes could not even turn to theirs when they opened his door. His words could not speak to them, but just mutter to their own. A broken toy, in a heap of promise and success.
Chan in all honesty did not know what to do.
But Hyunjin did, and he took the lead.
He immediately crossed to Leon and wrapped his arms around his cold form. He muttered words, allowing his mouth to rest at the space near the older boy's ear. To let the ears not be deaf any longer, but to hear words of truth and goodness, as it works. His arms held the older boy's face against his body. While his hands brushed against Leon's neck and tried to break him out of the robot state. To let his neck relax from carrying himself. Oh how Hyunjin would be willing to carry Leon's existence for it was not a burden, but a shrine of inspiration to many.
His eyes met his leader's who seemed so lost, yet had the heart to help. A heart that would wish to show his love to how it was needed. And Hyunjin guided the leader. "Chan hyung, your hug would make the difference."
How?
But the older boy slowly approached them, and it was Hyunjin who pulled him closer. Although no steer in his movements, they found their place. Chan kneeled a bit to be at Leon's eye level. Allow their eyes to meet. His hands held Leon's face, which was not against Hyunjin's body. Enough heat already to let his eyes drift past wherever his mind retreated to. His lips almost parted, trying to talk but Chan stopped him. Placing a finger against Leon's lips and giving him a small smile. "You don't have to say anything. Just be here with us, okay?"
Until Leon responded back to both of their embraces. Accepting the warmth he questioned if he needed it, but he wanted. He wanted.
"Don't hide from us, bub. Be here with us."
So we can smile together
"I'm sorry." His apologies are the only thing he could offer now. Oh, how they did not need that from him. How they never wanted that from him.
"Hyung, please don't apologize." They were now sitting at the couch, Leon in the middle, nestled in Chan's chest. How unproductive he thought he was, yet how exhausted. Why?
Behind the walls that were hard to see past, were now too clear. A barrier there was but now of glass, allowing Hyunjin to see through. Yet still blocking him, still not allowing him to help even though he sees the suffering. Maybe that's why he leaned closer to his hyung and made their eyes meet close, but space for their lips to speak. Close enough to feel and hear the whispers each boy's heart tried to say.
"Hyung, you know how many times I lose myself. How many times I get lost. Yet you always are by my side, not giving me directions but figuring out the way with me."
Chan hummed to the younger boy's words. Leon did that many times with him too. To each of the boys, how many times did he get lost with them? So now it was their turn to be with him.
"Hyung, I've never told you this secret because I thought you knew. But, hyung---the boys and I smile because of you. Because of how much you love us, but we're not leaving you behind now. We're going to show you how much we love you back, and we'll smile together."
Don't be sorry, don't worry
Don't be scared, now don't cry
Now at their home, maybe he could find himself. Find his mask, for he was still not fine. His true face was nowhere near how fine he wanted to be. Yet it seemed like he did find his mask.
Yet now it was broken. Shards he did not know until he picked it back up and hurt himself more.
"Why can't I just be fine?"
"Why can't I just form another mask?"
With his mask, not present, and his eyes with a certain clarity to them, tears were spilled. On his sheets, like paint darkening his white covers. The white cloud being nimbus and holding too much once again. It holds against itself the littlest droplets, littlest reasons, yet they all made him upset.
And Felix sees. His arrival to their shared room, perfect. But Leon did try to wipe away his tears. Tried his words to lessen the graveness of what was happening. After all, it was stupid to him, how much of their time, attention, worry and more was he taking away from them?
"Don't be sorry, Leon hyung."
Felix sat next to him and lied by his side. His arms open and ask for Leon to be by his side. Yet the boy keeps resisting. Keeps composing himself with a mask beyond repair.
Felix did not give up though and opened his arms more. Said a few more things, something Leon had to hear. Promises Felix wanted to vow even before.
"Why are you so worried to be in my arms, hyung? I want them to comfort you. Don't be afraid of the unknown gifts I want to give you."
He found himself being tugged to lie down by Felix. Eventually, his arms were against Felix himself, holding him close. Trying to hide his face, for he knew now his eyes were to open. But Felix took that as an opportunity to keep Leon close to him.
All the attempts at apologies turned down at the door by Felix.
"No more sorrys. Instead, just be fine with me holding you, hyung."
In a position, he was unfamiliar with, detested to but never uncomfortable. His eyes eventually gave in, and Felix's followed once he knew that Leon and he would meet in his dreams.
So they fell asleep.
To me, you are very precious
You can tell me today was tough
I am here, you suffered a lot
I love you
I will hug you
The second oldest knew to give Leon space. He always respected that, for he also asked for it at times. But right now, he couldn't help but just check. He just wanted to see if the younger was holding fine on his own even though that was what he requested.
So to see him and Felix in each other's arms had surprised him. But also reassured him, and made him turn his back. Even though he wanted to do more for Leon. But it seemed like fate heard him, and Felix called out for him.
He tried telling the boy to go back to sleep. How he just wanted to check on them, but Felix called out for him.
Yet to have space for him there, he couldn't resist and climbed in. He was on Leon's other side, and Felix loosened his hold on the sleeping boy, just enough for Minho to also hold onto Leon.
"Leon, baby, you deserve the world. The boys and I know it was a tough day. Please, do not think it was."
Hearing Minho whisper quietly to Leon, had Felix's heart almost burst. Each of his members held charm and also had a love for one another. Yet these moments were always the best to have, even more as they did not happen every day. He just hoped Leon didn't have to retreat too far before this had to happen and be shown to him.
"I love you, Leon-ah. Okay? Your Minho hyung loves you so much, and I know the other boys also. But remember Minho hyung, loves you so much. I love you, baby."
A private moment that Felix felt like he shouldn't intrude, but when he felt two hands squeezed both his hands, he didn't feel like an outsider.
"I love you too, Minho hyung. So much. I love you too, Felix."
Whenever you're having a hard time
You be hugged by me
I am the same
To slip past both boys who wanted to protect him from the world was hard. It took him a few moments before he was able to slip past them. But he made sure to push them closer to each other, so now they were holding on to each other.
Leon did not leave because he did not want to be protected. As of the moment, he really wanted to. He thought maybe it wasn't too much to ask for today to be protected. But what made him step out of the place of comfort was cries.
He heard the little sounds that tried to muffle themselves, and he needed to check. Who of the boys was having a hard time now?
He checked each room, but it was the last that held the boys who wept.
With a soft knock the two might've not heard, Leon poked his head in, and the sight caused him to enter.
Two of their youngest were crying and holding each other.
"Min, Innie, boys what's happening?"
The boys who grew up and had independence suddenly were younger. Like how they were when he felt like he still needed to teach them how to live in this world.
"Hyung!"
Their arms that were waiting for Leon, had the older boy hurry and lean to their hugs. Yet unlike the other boys who took the lead, Leon took the lead here. And he daresay that he misses this, the time wherein both boys were okay with their hyungs taking care of them for the little things.
He was once again in the middle, yet now their heads were leaning into him. Making sure it was really him and he was near them.
"Hyung, we didn't notice you were not okay."
"We had to hear from Jinnie hyung and---"
Oh, how he won't allow them to drown in false words. So he lulled them to sleep. Assuring that none of it was their fault. It was his for not reaching out to them. For not seeking them.
"Hyung is sorry. Hyung is also saying it's none of your fault. Hyung knows now how loved he is. No need to cry for hyung. Hyung is here."
"Hyung is fine because of the eight special boys."
No matter how much you hide it
You know you can't hide it forever
So we can smile together
Don't be sorry, don't worry
Don't be scared, now don't cry
It was an emotional day, maybe that's why the next day was slow. It was just time ticking, and most boys were tired. Staying in bed and keeping what they love and who they love close to them. Almost all were extra loving that day. A day of affection, except for one.
Changbin found himself doing all the chores, even things that didn't even have to be done. He cleaned the kitchen, he did the laundry, he ordered food for the boys for lunch, and all. It seemed like he was being as productive as he could be. But in reality, he was doing this to avoid all the affection that was calling to him.
Why? Because he felt guilty. He was said to be one of the most empathetic members. Someone to go to. Yet where was he for Leon? Why did he not notice? Or did he perhaps, but Leon felt like he couldn't bear it more? He knew his fellow 99 liner knew him most. Knew when things were getting too much.
But he didn't want it to stop Leon from approaching him when he needed to.
So he ran away from things but knew that it was him who had to approach. He had to also be the brave man, and be the one to talk as he had run.
"Leon," the older boy had a feeling that he and Changbin would talk. He knew the boy just needed to process a few things because that's how he was. He didn't like giving false advice or false words.
"I'm sorry. I know you know my worries. You know my worry about not being able to help. To be too overwhelmed. And maybe that's the reason you didn't tell me of your struggles. But Leon, I would always be here to hear out what you say. To affirm you. To show you how much we love you."
He wanted to say, no. He was about to blurt out more of his thoughts, but Leon just hugged him. He hugged the boy and leaned his head against Changbin's. Seeing his eyes that were so open now, yet we're so focused on Changbin. Only showing love, made the boy tear.
"Oh Bin, I know. And it's not your fault. I knew that but I just had long perceptions. But I know Bin, and I know now that I shouldn't hold myself back from you, okay?"
Their heads leaned against each other. Changbin's hands fisted the shirt of Leon, for his hands needed to ground himself. While Leon's lips kissed the crown of his head, they stayed like that.
No more words needed to be said.
To me, you are very precious
You can tell me today was tough
I am here, you suffered a lot
I love you
I will hug you
The day was already half done, and that was when the other boys came out of their rooms. All feeling and showing one another their love. But it was still surprising to see Leon and Changbin, who were so close. Their moment was so intimate that the other boys were scared to break. Yet when both turned their eyes to them, it told how they did not need to worry. How they were not intruding and invited them.
Sunday noon with nine boys keeping one another close. Words here and there, yet even the little noise did not disrupt their show of love. In their love, each found peace. Knowing this was not permanent of course, but each boy knew that there is peace if they need. There is so much love to show to one another at the end of being lost.
They knew almost all, if not all, had their own stumbles and bruises. They were just so engrossed in making other people happy, having the time to find this moment was challenging. So they weren't able to say things they wanted to let one another hear.
But in the simplest show of love, there was much to show every day. Everyday anyone of them could seek their peace. And it can be found in the ways they need, just like a hug. It does go a long way.
(HIGHLY RECOMMEND TO READ)
A/N: So, it's a softer chapter hehe. I felt like, there was a part of me that needed to read something like this. So I decided that maybe someone who read my story was thinking the same way. Or not but really deserved to read something like this. So I did. I hope this gave you the comfort I was given while writing.
So here it is hehe. I might write more romantic chapters among the boys like a poly relationship. And other couples within the boys, and maybe even outside of Stray Kids.
Now, I actually had thoughts for a new book. An added member but now for Seventeen. They are resonating in me, and I think I have a dimension in my mind wishing to go for it. Do you guys have thoughts? If you agree for it to be wonderful, how do you think his character should be? I want my OCs to be different. so surely different from Leon and Ash, but hmmm, do you have any thoughts?
1. Are there any quotes you want a chapter to built from? Or even lyric quotes?
Thank you, guys. I hope I gave you comfort somehow. - Aid.