"Hey," he said, by way of greeting, and Roseanne glanced up from her sketch pad to see Jungkook looking down at her. "I've tried calling you."
Roseanne looked down, unable to meet his gaze. "I know."
He lit a cigarette and sat down beside her on the bench. For a long time, neither of them said anything. Jungkook seemed content to watch the other students pass by, and Roseanne didn't know what to tell him.
"How was class?" he said finally.
Roseanne drew in a breath. "Look, Jungkook, about the other night—"
"I forgive you," he said.
"Forgive me?" Roseanne said, stunned. "I'm not apologizing."
"You totally flew off the handle there, Roseanne. I think an 'I'm sorry' wouldn't be out of order." He flicked his cigarette. "First you embarrass me in front of your family—"
"Wait, wait, how did I embarrass you?"
"You didn't warn me that the subject of Alice was suddenly taboo. We're a couple. We're supposed to tell each other things like, 'Hey, my sister is a lesbian now. Don't go bringing her up at dinner.'" He flicked his cigarette again, and Roseanne watched the ashes fall to the ground.
Roseanne stared at Jungkook's profile, torn between screaming at him and hitting him with her notebook. How was it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? "I meant it when I said we were over," she said at last. "I don't want to be with you anymore."
Jungkook looked at her. "Don't be stupid."
"Excuse me?"
"You might think you're so high and mighty with your little paintings, but what are you going to do with your life, huh, Roseanne? You break up with me, and who's going to help you pay for all the stuff you can't afford on your own? 'Oh, hey, Jungkook, I'm a little short for art supplies, could you spot me?' or 'Hey, Jungkook, our cable got shut off again'."
"I have never asked you for money," Roseanne said, trying to keep her voice even.
"Yeah, but you were all too happy to accept when I offered. And I always offered." He tossed the cigarette on the ground and turned his body to face her. "I've been there for you and your family every step of the way. When Ryujin got thrown in jail for whatever stupid stunt she pulled, who put up the bail money, huh? Me. When your parents' car stalled, who bought them a new battery? Me."
"They've always paid you back," Roseanne said. "And why do you always make everything about money? You think I've stayed with you all of this time because of your money?"
"I'm sure it didn't hurt."
"You're deluded."
"Then why did you?"
"Because I loved you," Roseanne said softly.
Jungkook looked away. "And you don't anymore. Is that it?"
"I'm not in love with you anymore, no."
Jungkook nodded slowly. "I guess there's nothing else for me to say, then." He stood.
"Wait," Roseanne said, and dug in her bag for her cell phone. "You should probably have this back."
Jungkook took the object in his hands and stared down at it. After a moment, he swung his arm back and threw the phone against the wall next to them. It shattered into several pieces and scattered across the ground.
Several people stopped to stare in their direction. "For the record," he said, "I still love you," and with that, he walked away.
-
"So, what did you think?" Nayeon Im motioned to the script between them, linking her hands together in expectation.
Jennie picked up her glass of orange juice and looked at her agent with a look that she hoped didn't require elaboration.
"I thought you might hate it." Nayeon sighed. "Well, the good news is I do have something else that just came through. It's an indie, though it has a pretty good budget. Enough to pay your usual salary, anyway. The director is fairly unknown, though she's been around for a while. Her name is Irene Bae. Heard of her?" When Jennie shook her head, he continued, "Well, she's done some television shows, a few low budget pictures, nothing major, but she's got a few awards under her belt. Sundance loves her." She dug into his briefcase for the script and dropped it on the table. "She really wants you for the lead."
Jennie picked up the stack of papers and glanced at the title. "Summer's Dance," she read.
"Only catch is, you'd have to play gay," Nayeon said with a shrug.
Jennie put the script down. "I don't think so."
"Well, you've been begging me for something different for a while, so I'm delivering different. You'd even get to die at the end."
"Sounds uplifting," Jennie muttered. She glanced at the script. She'd passed up many roles in the past for the simple fact that she did not want to play a lesbian character, and yet, here was another one, beckoning. "The lead, huh?"
Nayeon smiled, cheering up. "Oh yeah. Great role, too. I think it'd be a great career move, Jennie. Get you out of that Guardian rut you're in. People see you in something like this, maybe it won't be so hard to get you some of those roles you've been lusting after."
She picked up the script again and flipped through it.
"She highlighted your part," Nayeon said.
"Elizabeth Doyle," Jennie read. "Do you know where this is filming?"
"New York," Nayeon said.
Jennie glanced up at her. "New York?"
"Yeah, they're filming on location. Where the hell is that waiter?" Nayeon looked around. "His tip is going down by the second."
Jennie chewed on her bottom lip as she considered the screenplay in her hands. The lead. In New York. I love New York. But a lesbian? "I'll read it," she said finally. "When do they need to know by?"
"Sooner the better, I imagine, though they didn't specify a date. Filming starts in March, I think. I can get you a meeting set up with the director if you want. She sounds like she'll bend over backwards to get you in this film, and that's never a bad thing."
Jennie smiled. She put the script in her bag and sat back to enjoy the suddenly beautiful day around her. "No, not a bad thing at all."
-
"Wow, maybe for him the sex really was that good," and Roseanne looked up from the newspaper she was reading to see Lisa entering the kitchen with a large bouquet of red roses.
Roseanne smiled. "Wow, who was the lucky guy?"
Lisa placed the flowers on the table and grinned at Roseanne. "Oh, no. These aren't for me. These, my friend, are for you." She picked up the card and cleared her throat. "Dearest Roseanne, I miss all of the mind blowing orgasms you gave me. I especially miss that thing you do with your tongue—"
Roseanne snatched the card from Lisa's hand.
Roseanne, I'm sorry. Can we talk?
Love, Jungkook
"What the hell," Roseanne said, staring at the words.
"Boy's got it bad. Who knew?" Lisa leaned down to smell the flowers. "I wouldn't be surprised if he came around here singing, 'I can change, I can change...'"
"Singing what?"
"From South Park. You know, when Sadaam is trying to win Satan back. In the movie..."
Roseanne stared at her blankly.
"Wow. Okay, never mind." Lisa sat down. "But you know, it really is like you're Satan, all sensitive and stuff, and Sadaam wants to convince you that he'll do better. He won't do better, Roseanne. Trust me."
"There are so many things wrong with what you just said." Roseanne shook her head. "Anyway, he can send all the flowers in the world. I'm not taking him back."
"That's the spirit. So, what do you want to do tonight? Girls night out? Girls night in?"
Roseanne shrugged. "I'm not really in an out on the town mood," she said.
"Girls night in it is," Lisa said. "Pick a movie theme: romance, horror, action..."
"Tell you what," Roseanne said, standing, "I'm going to grab a quick shower and then we'll go see what's out."
"It's a date."
-
"It's not a date," Jisoo insisted as quietly as possible while still being audible over Jennie's chopping. "She's a friend. You said it was okay to invite her over."
Chop. Chop. Chop.
"When did I say that?" Jennie demanded, sliding the perfectly sliced onions into a pan. She glanced into the living room to make sure Jisoo's 'friend' hadn't heard them and returned to the cooking at hand.
"On the phone," Jisoo prompted, sniffling. She hated onions. "Shit." Her eyes burned and she wiped a tear away.
Jennie frowned at her. "Well there's no sense in crying about it. I'm not going to fire you for bringing her here." She glanced into the living room again and shook her head. She continued her chopping. "And anyway, when you said 'friend' I didn't really picture her being ..."
"What?" Jisoo said, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.
Jennie waved her knife around. After a moment, she shrugged. "I don't know..."
"Gay?"
"No," Jennie said firmly. "Well, yes. Actually I hadn't thought about it. I just didn't expect someone so ..."
"Butch?"
Jennie shifted uncomfortably.
"Do you have a problem with that?" Jisoo studied the actress for a moment.
"No..." Jennie focused on chopping the rest of the onions. "Of course I don't."
"It's not a date," Jisoo said again. "But ... if you're interested, I'm sure I could talk her into..." She ventured a hopeful smile.
Jennie held up the knife. "Don't make me hurt you."
"It's not like I told her anything about you," Jisoo said quickly holding up her hands. "I just thought ... maybe ..."
"We'd hit it off and live happily ever after?" Jennie arched a brow.
"God no." Jisoo laughed. "I don't think Seulgi's been with one person for more than one ... ah ... not something I should be telling you." She coughed. "More like ... I thought, maybe you two could—"
"Okay, I think I get the picture. Two things: first, she's so far from my type it's not even funny and sec—"
"Really?"
"Really what?"
"Not your type?" Jisoo glanced back at Seulgi and bit her lip thoughtfully. "I'm usually better at gauging these things."
"And second," Jennie continued, "if you ever try to set me up again, I'll kill you. Clear? Good. Now go set the table."
"Yes, Boss." Jisoo went to get the plates and silverware from the cupboard. Items in hand she started toward the dining room table, but paused. "Umm ... just for curiosity's sake, and not at all for future reference ... what is your type?"
Jennie stared at her assistant, and considered tossing a tomato slice at her in reply. Instead, she said, "When I find her, I'll let you know."
-
Roseanne yawned into the sleeve of her sweater and struggled to keep her eyes open through what had to be the eighth car chase scene she'd sat through that evening. Lisa's movie selection methods consisted of finding the DVD covers with the hottest actors and proclaiming them 'Must See' movies. If she had to sit through one more scene where something exploded, her brain would be the next in line.
"I'm sorry," she said after several minutes. "I can't keep my eyes open anymore."
"What? But we haven't even gotten to the good parts yet. I'm sure he takes off his shirt at some point."
"As riveting as that plot development sounds, I think I'll skip out. All the other topless male models we saw before this one will just have to tie me over until tomorrow."
"Party pooper," Lisa said, tossing a handful of popcorn in Roseanne' direction. "Listen, speaking of male models, I was thinking that tomorrow night we could hang out with some of the guys I work with.
"Not this again." Roseanne sighed, plucking popcorn from her hair.
"Look, I entirely respect your free woman movement, but let's face it, you could still do with a little fun in the bedroom."
"Is everything about sex with you?"
"And acting. Oh, and coffee. The rest is optional."
Roseanne stared at her best friend and smiled patiently. "I know this might seem like a radical concept, but I'm actually okay with not having sex for a while."
"That's only because you haven't been doing it properly. I can't even begin to fathom the nightmare that Jungkook must have been in bed."
"He wasn't that bad," Roseanne said, feeling defensive for no good reason. "Not that I have very much to compare him to..."
"Exactly. You need a point of reference. Or two. Maybe at the same time?"
"I'm going to bed."
Lisa shut off the TV and shifted on the couch to face Roseanne. "I just don't want you moping around the apartment for the rest of your life. There's a whole world out there, Roseanne. You should learn to live in it."
"I just don't think of living life as hopping from one guy's bed to another. I want more than that..."
"I thought you didn't want another relationship?"
"I don't. Well, I do. Eventually. Just not right now. For now, I just want to ... I don't know, go to a museum sit there for hours not having to worry about having to exist on someone else's schedule. I want to go to bed, not worrying about whether or not I'm taking up too much room. I want to just be alone. And sex, while important, is not the center of my universe."
Lisa quietly contemplated Roseanne's words. Finally she said, "All right then. I guess we'll just take a trip to Toys in Babeland tomorrow. My Bullet is being funky, anyway. I think I wore it out."
"Was it really necessary to share that tidbit of information?"
Lisa chuckled. "Your problem, Rosie, is that you need to loosen up."
-
Later, as Roseanne sat in bed staring at her computer screen, she wondered if Lisa was right. Was it really that she didn't want to sleep around, or was it simply that she was too scared to? The thought of meeting up at a sleazy bar and hooking up with a random guy was entirely unappealing. So what if he was good looking? There had to be more to a person than that. What about conversation? Or getting to know someone? Was she stupid to want those things?
Despite what Lisa suspected, the problem with her and Jungkook had never been that he was bad in bed. To the contrary, it was probably one of the few points in their relationship where she felt like they connected.
If sex had been the problem, Roseanne would have considered herself lucky. Finding sex was easy. Finding respect, trust ... love ...
Those were the things you had to dig for.
-
Jennie wondered at what point it was considered okay to kick people out of her home. Was it okay, for example, to interrupt her best friend and her assistant in the middle of their make-out session on her couch to tell them – kindly – to please take it elsewhere?
The movie on the screen flickered on, but Jennie was too grossed out by the kissing noises happening a few feet away from her to pay much attention to the plot.
Then there was Seulgi. Seulgi had been staring at her since the lights had gone out. Jennie wondered if subtlety was something lacking in the lesbian community or if the girl simply didn't care if Jennie knew.
In an attempt to dissuade her, Jennie turned her head to look at her, but Seulgi caught her eye and winked.
Jennie swirled her head around and decided to concentrate instead on the many ways she would make Jisoo pay for this.
"You're really beautiful," Seulgi whispered. "But you probably get told that a lot. I hope I'm not too forward in saying it."
Jennie remained silent, wondering if this was a nightmare she would mercifully awake from.
"I can't believe I'm sitting in Jennie Kim's living room," Seulgi continued. "I mean, I knew Jisoo worked for you and everything, but ... wow."
A high-pitched giggle caused both of them to turn their heads in Kai and Jisoo's direction.
Jennie rolled her eyes.
"Weird seeing your ex with someone else, isn't it?" Seulgi said. "I mean, Jisoo and I weren't really a couple or anything, but you know. It's still weird seeing someone you've slept with kissing someone else."
"You slept with Jisoo?" Jennie asked, and suddenly realized she'd said it loud enough to be heard across the room. Kissing noises abruptly stopped.
"What?" Kai was saying.
"Uh..." Jisoo said.
"You slept with her?" Kai hooked a thumb in Seulgi's direction. "Seriously?"
"Hey! What is that supposed to mean?" Seulgi said. "'Seriously?'"
"Just once!" Jisoo said defensively.
"Well, one night," Seulgi countered. "But if I recall there were multiple sessions."
Kai gaped. Jennie, for her part, covered her face with her hand.
"Seulgi!" Jisoo cried.
"I need to get out of here," Kai said, rising from the couch. "This is a little too weird for me right now."
"What the hell! You knew I slept with women."
"You could have told me this was one of them." Kai headed for the front door, Jisoo right behind him.
"Don't you walk away from me!"
Seulgi jumped up to follow them. "Hey, who the hell is driving me home?"
The slamming door thundered throughout the house. "Well, that's one way to get rid of people," Jennie decided.
-
It had been over a week and Jennie had yet to reply to the artist. If it weren't for the fact that she kept thinking about it, Jennie would have considered the entire matter behind her. And yet, she still found herself at the computer almost every night, checking to see if Roseanne would write to her anyway. Each time, the inbox turned up empty and Jennie would be left with the undeniable compulsion to reply; just one more time.
It was the not knowing what to say that always stopped her. She simply didn't know how to offer relationship advice. And by now, she imagined, the time for it had passed.
Dear Rosie, she typed, surprising herself, and yet not moving to close the reply window. A part of her felt it was inevitable that she should reply eventually, despite herself. She sat back against the pillows to think about the rest. Her bedroom was dark, save for the light from her computer screen. Before picking up the computer, she had been trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep. Her thoughts invariably drifted to Seulgi, and she wondered if she'd been stupid not to take advantage of the opportunity. How often were gay women sitting on her couch, calling her beautiful? So what if she hadn't been attracted to her? Beneath the baggy pants and extra large T-shirt Seulgi was still a woman ... that had to be enough, no?
Yet the thought of kissing Seulgi didn't excite Jennie in any way. And the fact that Seulgi had slept with Jisoo made the entire situation even less appealing.
Jennie shook her head at the thought, dismissing it and Seulgi along with it. She had never been the type to settle for anything, why should she start now?
Turning back to the task at hand, she started typing.
I'm sorry for not writing to you sooner. I want to say that I've been busy or that things came up, but the truth is, I just didn't know how to reply to your last email. In the spirit of honesty, I should admit that my relationship experience is practically zero. Actually, I'm not sure that it would even merit a 'practically', I just didn't want to sound like a complete loser. I generally save those kinds of admissions for at least the third or fourth sentences in a paragraph.
But despite the fact that I know nothing about love – having never been lucky (unlucky?) enough to be in it – I want to believe that true love doesn't just vanish. The romantic in me wants to believe that love conquers all, that you can live happily ever after, and so on and so forth.
Unfortunately, I imagine that love, like life, is nowhere near as simple as that. First, you have to meet someone you're attracted to, not just in looks, but in personality. And how often does that happen? Well, perhaps you have better luck in that department than I do...
But then, even if you meet someone you're attracted to, whose personality rocks your world, what are the odds that they find you equally engaging?
To be honest, I'm not really sure how people even manage it. I have two friends who recently ended up in bed together and now seem to be in a relationship. I sometimes wonder: how did that happen? Did they just look at each other and know that the other wanted the same thing? Did they talk about it? Was it just a feeling?
When does that moment occur, that friendship turns to lust, and like turns to love, and it just so happens that it's mutual?
It all sounds terribly unlikely, don't you think?
I guess the reason that I'm burdening you with all of these rambling thoughts at what would be three in the morning for you, is that tonight a friend tried to set me up with someone, and despite the fact that my lack of romantic endeavors should make me desperate to be with anyone with a pulse, I find myself incapable of settling.
No matter how unlikely the chances that I may meet that 'right' person, I can't bring myself to be with the wrong one. Still, I keep thinking, what if what I think is the wrong person at first glance, actually turns out to be The One upon closer inspection. How close do you have to look before you know for sure?
Until soon, Jane