Jennie sighed without looking up from the book she was reading. "You're in my sun."
"Is that any way to greet your best friend? It's been at least two hours since our last conversation. Haven't you missed me?"
"I'm not even going to ask how you got into my house."
"Jisoo dropped me off. She's got keys." Kai pulled the nearest lounge chair closer and sat down. He looked around the pool area for a minute before continuing. "I tried the doorbell but I guess you didn't hear it."
"I heard it," Jennie said pointedly.
"So you were just ignoring me? I thought maybe you'd fallen and couldn't get up. I came to rescue you from certain death."
"Or maybe I was out?"
Kai let out a long laugh. "Right."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I was with Jisoo. Considering the fact that we make up your entire social circle, odds are that you'd be home." He nodded at the book. "Reading."
"I resent that."
"Because it's true..."
"It is not. There are a million places I could be at the moment, and a hundred people I could be with."
"And yet, you're with your book."
"It's a good book."
"Which brings me back to my original point."
"Which is?"
"That if you're not with Jisoo or myself, you're usually alone."
Jennie sighed. What was the point of arguing when she knew he was right? "Speaking of being alone, could I get back to that?"
"Well, fine ... next time you don't answer your door I'll just let you lie there, all naked--"
"Naked?"
"I figured you'd be naked."
Jennie shook her head and put a bookmark in her book. "Does your girlfriend know you're picturing me naked?"
"First, she's not my girlfriend. And second, I didn't say I was picturing you naked, only that you were naked."
Jennie arched an eyebrow.
"Okay, I pictured you naked, but in my defense I picture you naked a lot less frequently now than I did when we first met. Besides, that bikini you're wearing right now doesn't leave much to the imagination anyway, so--"
"Okay, just stop talking. What did you come here for that was so important you had break in?"
"How can I stop talking if you ask me a question? Do you want me to answer it by batting my eyelashes in Morse code?"
"Remind me again why we're friends?"
"Is that what we are?" He smiled, but then turned serious. "The truth is, I need to talk to you about something important ... and you have to promise not to fly off the handle. You're not PMSing by any chance, are you?"
"If I were, you'd probably be dead right now."
"Excellent." Kai scratched the back of his head nervously. "How much do you trust Jisoo?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"I just mean," Kai said slowly, "do you consider her a friend? You know, the kind of friend you might, I don't know, confide in?"
"Why?"
Kai coughed. "Well..."
"What did you tell her?" Jennie demanded.
"Nothing!" Kai said quickly. "I swear. I haven't told her anything. It's just..."
"Yes...?"
"I just think ... that maybe you should. You know, tell her."
"Tell her what, Kai?"
He met her gaze. "You know what."
Jennie frowned and shook her head. "Why? It's none of her business."
"I know that, it's just that ... well, see ..."
"Yeah?"
"She thinks that maybe ..."
"Just spit it out, Kai!"
"Okay. Okay." Kai took a deep breath. "See, she's gotten it into her head that you have feelings for me, and she wants to break things off because she thinks that at any moment you're going to admit that you're in love with me, and I'm going to come running to you. She's also freaking out that you're going to fire her out of jealousy."
Jennie found the thought so ridiculous that she laughed. "That's insane," she said.
"From your perspective, maybe, which is why I think you should just tell her the truth. It's not like she wouldn't understand. And I mean, really, it should be me worried here. The second she knows you're gay she's gonna dump me and go after you." He frowned. "You're not into her, are you?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Kai." Jennie sighed, rubbing her temples.
"It might help you to tell someone who really understands, anyway. I'm the only one you've told and what the hell do I know about it?"
Jennie sighed, not wishing to get into this particular topic of conversation. All she'd wanted was a day in the sun, perhaps a dip in the pool, or a walk on the ocean. She made sure to keep thoughts of her sexuality as far away from her conscious mind as humanly possible.
"Just because you don't talk about it doesn't mean it's going to go away," Kai said softly. "As much as I've secretly hoped for it to." He smiled sadly. "I get that you're not going to change. I mean, if you can resist my charms all of these years..."
Jennie looked away.
"Some day you're going to meet someone you really like and you're going to have to face things."
"Maybe, but I'd rather that time not be now." She chewed on her bottom lip, looking around beyond the vanishing edge pool to the ocean beyond. "It's not that I don't trust Jisoo," she said, turning back to her best friend. "I'm just not ready for anyone else to know. First it's Jisoo, and then it's someone else, and someone else, and ..." She looked away again. "I share too much of myself already, Kai. My life is hardly my own. I can't control half the things they say about me in the press. I can't control the pictures they put on the Internet, or the rumors that get spread. But this, I feel like, for now, this I can control, because no one would ever guess it. And if they can't guess it, then they can't hurt me with it."
"You can't keep this up forever, Jennie."
"Was it your goal to depress me today? If so, congratulations."
"Thanks, I try. While I'm on a roll with that, the other thing I came to tell you today, Jennie, is that I'm going to have to break up with you."
Jennie smiled. "Shocker."
"Not that it hasn't been fun being your beard," Kai added. "But, I'm sorry to say, you're horrible in bed."
"If you tell that to the press, I will have you hunted down and killed," Jennie said with a laugh. "I do have a reputation to maintain."
"I'm sure the tabloid's number one hot chick will have no trouble replacing me."
"No one could ever replace you, Mr. Kim, which is why I shall never date another man so long as I live."
"Good. Though, about Jisoo..."
Jennie studied her best friend for a long moment. Finally, she smiled. "She's got you seriously whipped."
"Does not."
"Does too."
"Jennie, I am entirely unwhippable. I'm impervious to— Oh hey, Jisoo."
"Impervious to what?" Jisoo asked. She slid closed the glass doors that led into the house and walked over.
"Impervious to acid damage," Kai continued smoothly. "And next level, I'll have a weapon that can freeze up to ten bad guys at once."
"Oh, not that stupid video game again." Jisoo made a face. "Jennie, I picked up your dry cleaning and put it in the closet --"
"Just where Jennie likes things," Kai said.
Both Jisoo and Jennie turned to him. Jennie glared while Jisoo just looked confused.
Kai shrugged. "What? Jennie is very organized. She likes things in their rightful place."
"Okay, whatever," Jisoo said, turning back to Jennie. "And your agent faxed a copy of a new script he wanted you to look at. He also said to call him."
"Thanks, Jisoo."
Jisoo and Kai exchanged a strange look that Jennie didn't understand, but that soon caused Kai to say, "Um, I'll be inside. I have to ... um ... file my nails. See ya."
Jennie watched him go before turning back to Jisoo, who was now sitting on the lounge chair Kai had previously occupied.
"I know you know that Kai and I ..." She waved her hands as if that illustrated the rest of the sentence. "And I know you guys have been friends for a really long time, and if you feel that Kai and I being ... you know ... would interfere with my being your assistant or even your ... friend, then ..."
"Jisoo," Jennie said, "I really don't care that you're sleeping with Kai. I really wouldn't care if you guys started dating, or if years from now you got married, had children, and all that jazz. Really. As long as your relationship with him doesn't affect the work you do for me, then I've got no problems with it."
"Okay, good. I really wouldn't want to do anything that might make you uncomfortable. I know you care about him—"
"As a friend," Jennie quickly interrupted.
"Yeah," Jisoo smiled, though Jennie could see the uncertainty behind her eyes.
"Jisoo," Jennie began hesitantly. "The truth is ..."
"Look, Jennie, I understand, really. I know that for whatever reason you don't want to 'officially' date him, but I know it's only a matter of time before—"
"I'm gay," Jennie said, interrupting the rest of Jisoo's monologue. She let the word hang in the air between them.
"You...you...you're..."
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," Jisoo squeaked. She coughed. "Fine. I .. um .. you're ... I mean ... really?"
"Really ... really."
"And this is ... this is new?"
"Well, I knew when I was fifteen, and now I'm twenty-five so ... I guess it depends what you mean by 'new'?"
Jisoo's eyes widened. "Fifteen?"
Jennie would have been amused by Jisoo's reaction had she not been so petrified at the same time. She'd blurted it out without planning to. Almost in the same way she'd told Kai the day he'd tried to kiss her. Perhaps it was the easiest way to do it; like ripping off a band-aid.
"I'm sorry, Jennie, I think you've short-circuited my brain or something. I honestly had no idea. You'd think my gaydar would be a little sharper, considering..." She chewed on her bottom lip, but opted not to continue.
"Kai is the only other person who knows," Jennie said. "And it's just ... it's not something I actively think about or wish to discuss or anything. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't think that I was in any way attracted to Kai."
"Oh. Is that why he wanted to talk to you? He wanted to convince you to tell me ..."
"It was more of a suggestion," Jennie said. "I wouldn't have told you if I didn't trust you, Jisoo. It's obviously not something I want getting out."
Jisoo looked at Jennie for a long time. "Thanks for confiding in me," she said finally. "Really, Jennie, I ... I've always wanted to be more than just your friend—" Her eyes grew wide, and she quickly said, "Assistant! More than just your assistant."
Jennie smiled.
"Sorry, that didn't come out right at all." Jisoo was blushing, and clearly flustered by her slip-up. "I just meant, that I've always wanted to be your friend, and I really appreciate you trusting me with this." She frowned and shook her head. "I'm just a bit shocked."
Jennie didn't know what to say, so she remained silent. "So ... so, is there ... someone...?"
"No," Jennie said. "No one at all."
"Okay..." Jisoo nodded and continued to chew on her bottom lip. "Because I might know some girls that—"
"Jisoo..."
"They'd be very discreet."
"Please don't make me hurt you."
Jisoo smiled. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll leave you to your book." She stood up. "I'm taking Kai shopping for a new Xbox controller. He accidentally dropped his in the toilet." She held up her hands. "Don't ask."
"Wasn't gonna." Jennie watched her assistant disappear into the house and sighed to herself. Well, that wasn't so hard...
-
Jennie paused in the doorway to admire the framed picture hanging over her bed. All day, she had wondered about the email she'd sent out. Had the artist received it? Had she read it? Had she written back? The questions kept coming back as she'd read, as she'd stared out at the ocean, as she'd spoken on the phone. So many times she'd stopped herself from running up to her room to check if there was a response. She'd held back simply out of stubbornness, out of the conviction that the inbox would be empty; out of fear that she would be disappointed if it were.
She crossed the room, tossing the faxed copy of the screenplay on her bed as she passed. She planned on reading it before going to sleep. But, first, she had some lingering questions to put to rest.
The computer hummed to life and Jennie waited patiently for it to boot up. She leaned back on the chair, her mind elsewhere. She thought of her earlier admission to Jisoo, and wondered what repercussions it would have on their working relationship. She had made the right decision, she knew, in telling her assistant, but who would be next, she wondered. How many people would she tell before it became public knowledge?
She knew that it was likely that the whole world would eventually find out, but for now, she welcomed the opportunity to hide behind the safety of others' misperception; to let the media run amuck with rumors and assumptions. She could live with lies about lies. It was the mockery of truth that she knew would hurt. It was the lies laced in truth that she didn't know if she could handle.
Her desktop image stared patiently at her, and she leaned forward to move the mouse around. With only minimal hesitation, she opened the email account she'd created for the sole purpose of communicating with a complete stranger. Even now, a week later, she felt uncomfortable. Why should she write to an artist in New York whom she'd never seen nor met? What about the artwork on her wall made her want to dig deeper, to go so far as to care?
The browser loaded the page, and it took Jennie a second longer than necessary to notice the "1" next to "new mail". She wrote back, Jennie thought in surprise, wasting no time in opening the message.
When she finished reading, she sat still, wondering whether or not to write back. It would be rude not to, she decided.
Dear Ms. Park,
The artwork I bought from you was a charcoal sketch you titled "Shadow". I guess you could say it was love at first sight. I love the way that the figure stands outside the circle of people, while its shadow stands within it. I'm not sure what you meant by it, since, like I said before, I'm hardly an art connoisseur, but I couldn't help feel like I could relate to that image. To that feeling of being watched but not actually seen.
I hope I haven't offended you if your intention with the piece was to illustrate something entirely different: childbirth, for instance. I'd feel really dumb if that were the case. I just found it so amazing to be touched by something someone I don't even know created. I'm afraid that to this day, I'm mostly only ever touched by films.
Anyway, I wanted you to know, just in case you ever wondered if what you were doing was worth it, that to me, a stranger in the West Coast, it certainly is.
All the best, Jane
PS: Ruby-Jane is actually my middle name, but if you ever write again, feel free to call me Jane.