How long has it been since I lost him..?
Years had passed since that final battle. Our final battle. Five years, or was it six? I had lost count. Every day, I missed Takami Keigo. From dawn to dusk, I continued to mourn, living through sleepless nights and restless days.
I quit heroism, and became a full time mother from the moment I gave birth. The commission provided us with a pension that was almost too much, including a brand new apartment, insurance, everything we could ever need and then some.
Our daughter, Suzume Takami, grew up out of the public eye, much to my relief. Her father had been long forgotten, his sacrifice nothing but a fleeting headline before his presence in the hero community faded into whispered history.
Fleece-lined jackets and amber visors had been packed away, gathering dust in the storage lockers of what had now become Tsukuyomi's hero agency. I was proud of how far he had come, but it was bittersweet. He shared in our trauma.
"Thanks for this, Fuyumi..." I offered my quiet thanks as the woman handed me several plastic take-out containers, filled with her own cooking.
"Don't mention it. I told you, if you need a break, I'm here to help. You do enough as it is." She gave me a pat on the shoulder before I turned to place the meals in the fridge.
I can't ever do enough...
"It's almost five. When did Natsuo say they'd be back?" I asked, returning to the island bench to mindlessly stir my untouched coffee.
"They should be back any mi-"
"Knock knock! Special delivery!" Right on cue, I heard his voice, along with familiar little steps rushing towards the kitchen.
"Mama! Look!" Bright eyed, my daughter leapt into the air when she entered the room, silver wings flapping almost aggressively as she messily flew into my arms. Startled, I caught her, pulling her into a tight embrace.
"W..wow..! You've gotten good! But remember, starshine, no flying in the house."
Puffing out her cheeks, Suzume gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before squirming out of my hold, shimmying down my leg and over to Fuyumi.
"Aunty Yumi, Uncle Natsu bought me three whole entire colouring books! Wanna colour with me?!" Fuyumi chuckled and nodded, ruffling the little girl's wild blonde locks as she accepted the bag her brother handed over.
"Sure thing, dove. Lead the way! I hope you have some pretty crayons for us to use!" I watched as my daughter lead her away, yammering loudly about her brand new crayon set, and I turned to Natsuo.
"Thanks, but you really don't have to spoil her so much..."
Shrugging his broad shoulders, Natuso made himself comfortable leaning against the island.
"I want to. She's a good kid, and she was an angel, for once. She only called Shoto five weenie man once today when we stopped by the agency."
Natsuo had always just...been there. I hadn't asked him to be - any of the Todorokis - but they stuck by me. Fuyumi and Rei always stopped by to bring us food and to help out around the house, and both Natsuo and Shoto had taken on roles as her honorary uncles. Enji was still around too, though after being investigated by the commission, he was also laying low, retired and just as broken.
"She's still so into that hero stuff..." I sighed, choosing to carry my mug and empty the contents into the sink. "It scares me. That isn't the life I want for her..." It truly wasn't. I had only been a part of that world for a fleeting moment, yet it still stuck with me, haunting my very being.
"They usually are around this age. It's just a phase, I'm sure. Try not to worry about it." Natsuo tried to steer me towards a more positive frame of mind, but there was no stopping my concerns.
"A..anyway, how are things with your new girlfriend? Ichika, right?"
My change of subject was met by a vague shrug of shoulders, and Natsuo directed his attention towards my refrigerator, which was covered top to bottom by colourful drawings.
"Yeah, that didn't work out...Conflicting interests, I guess."
Tilting my head, I mirrored him, leaning against the edge of the sink.
"How conflicting?" I questioned. Natsuo had dated a few girls since our breakup, but none of them seemed to last long.
"You know, the usual. I wanted a family, she wanted my bank account."
Oh.
"Shit, I'm sorry. Women can be so shallow." I murmured, genuinely feeling sorry for him. He deserved to find what he was looking for. I knew that more than anyone.
"It doesn't matter. I can fill the void with workouts and protein shakes."
Rolling my eyes, I approached him and poked his bicep, snorting through my nose.
"If you bulk up anymore you're gonna look like a meaty cloud." Playfully, he batted me away, his usual smile returning.
"What's wrong with that? I'll be the meatiest cloud this side of Japan!"
It still kind of hurt to spend time with Natsuo. It wasn't that I missed our short-lived relationship, though. Every now and again, I'd wonder if things could have been different if I hadn't returned to Hawks. Could he have been saved?
"Mama! Come look at this!" Hearing Suzume call out, both Natsuo and I halted our conversation and headed into the livingroom, finding Fuyumi with her hands clasped over her mouth, trying not to laugh.
"Another masterpiece to show us, Princess?" Natsuo was bracing himself, as was I. The little girl always had a strange imagination.
"Yup! I drawed Uncle Enji!" I had been expecting something funny, but nowhere near as funny as what she showed us. Natsuo didn't even attempt to hide his breakdown into a fit of wheezing cackles, and I had to cover my mouth the same as his sister.
"H..honey, it's...b..beautiful..."
So...so...beautiful...
"I'm gonna give it to him next time! He's gonna love it and keep it forever and ever!" Suzume chirped, her wings fluttering behind her happily.
"Not before I make some copies. Thanks for the new motivational poster!" Natsuo hovered over the drawing, already snapping pics with his phone.
"Sorry to say, but we should probably head home soon. I have to go into work early to prep for class." Fuyumi stood up and stretched her arms above her head, almost being knocked over when Suzume grabbed hold of her legs.
"Stay longer!" She demanded, lip wobbling in preparation of a sobbing episode.
"Starshine, come on. You'll see her again soon." I sighed, prying her off of the woman and lifting her into my arms.
"Then Uncle Natsuo has to stay!" Reaching out, she grabbed onto Natsuo's arm, but instead of yanking him over, she pulled us over, basically squishing us shoulder to shoulder. There was a slight flush to his cheeks when our eyes met, but I quickly averted mine.
Don't give me that look...Please...
"Sorry, sweetpea. I have to work in the morning, too. Hey! How about Grammy Rei and I take you to the zoo this weekend? If it's okay with your Mama, of course." He suggested, and in the next second I had my daughter's cute little face, puppy dog eyes and all, pressed against my cheek.
"Please, mama?! I wanna see a Hippopetermoose!" There was no way I couldn't chuckle at that, and I gave her the best smile I could as I set her down.
"If it's not a burden for them, I don't see why not." Of course, I appreciated the help. Having time to breathe, and try to sort through my emotions was great, but I felt like I was depending on the Todoroki family far too much.
After giving Natsuo a big hug, Suzume turned to do the same to her honorary aunt, and I felt a gentle hand come down on my shoulder.
"You know we all adore her. Anytime you need a break, just call, okay? Or even if you just need a talk."
You're still way too nice, Todoroki Natsuo...
Releasing a sigh, I gave a single nod of vague acceptance, watching my daughter and Fuyumi give their long goodbyes.
"Thanks. Maybe one of these days..."
After the siblings left, I heated up one of the meals Fuyumi had brought over for Suzume, then basically had to drag her upstairs to get ready for bed. She was a fighter, that was for sure. An almost frightening mix of both mine and her father's stubborn streaks.
Teeth brushed, pyjamas on, hair combed and plaited, I tucked her into bed, sitting on the edge in the glow of her night-light.
"Mama, I wanna say goodnight to Papa." Sitting up a little, she looked up at me with the same eyes I had once seen in the mirror. So bright and pure.
"He's right here." Humming, I pulled on the woven thread that hung around my neck, the single red feather emerging from the neck of my shirt. Upon seeing the feather, my daughter pursed her lips, sinking further down into her bed.
"Mama, I-" Meeting my eyes, she paused before releasing the smallest of sighs, reaching out and tracing the spine of the feather. "Night night, Papa. I love you..." She murmured, moving to grab her plush Gang Orca as I returned Gusty to its home.
"What story would you like me to read tonight?" I asked, preparing to lean down and fetch a book from her bedside table.
"I want you to sing me a song. That special one, from when I was a baby. Yours and Papa's song."
Ah.
Suzume had begun requesting that particular, painful song more often as of late, and each time my heart sank. However, I tried not to let it show. Making sure she was comfortable, I reached out and stroked the top of her head, clearing my throat.
"You are my sunshine ~ My only sunshine ~ You make me happy ~ When skies are grey..." It hurt. The words, the meaning, the memories. Such a long time had passed, but it still made my chest ache. "You'll never know, dear ~ How much I love you ~ Please don't take my sunshine a..away..."
Once my little girl was fast asleep, I exited the room, finding myself standing motionless in the hallway for an unknown period of time. How long was it going to take for me to come to terms with it all? I knew there was no chance at moving on, not completely, but there had to be something better than this. Something less painful.
Almost mindlessly, I forced myself to return to the kitchen, grabbing myself another pre-made meal and preparing it before heading back upstairs, just as I always did once Suzume was down for the night. Such a simple routine that felt so exhausting.
It has to get better than this...
I allowed myself to get lost within my thoughts as I entered the study, slowly making my way over to the worn, leather armchair that faced the window. The curtains were pulled so close together than even in the daytime, very little light would be able to filter in.
"I can't keep going on like this..." I whispered quietly, forward facing as I placed the plate down beside the silent, almost skeletal occupant of the chair, seeing a slight nod of acceptance out of the corner of my eye.
"She needs you to snap out of it, Keigo..."
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***My daughter drew the Enji picture for us. I'm getting it framed.
I was going to illustrate the end part instead of write it but I had a busy day at work and I'm too exhausted. Maybe for the next part.
This is just the alternate ending I had decided against. The original ending of the story is the real one, I just thought I'd upload this for the hell of it.
So much more stuff was revealed about Hawks in the manga since I wrote Icarus, but I honestly just don't have the energy to edit any of it to fit right now. Maybe in the future.
Next Time: Denial***