Z A I R A
"Lexus! Lexus! Please do come immediately! Tawagan mo na rin si Dad!"
I can hear the cry of my daughter even though my vision was really blurry and all, I can even feel myself lying on a thin cushion and somehow, I am moving rapidly. Screeching sounds of wheels is the least I can hear.
"Mom?! Mom?! Please, hold on!"
That's when I realized that my body is too weak to speak and to touch my daughter's hand. It hits me, I am slowly dying and my lips are dry to speak, it's like having a large lump in my throat. "M-my...d...aughter," my voice cracked.
"Mom, please don't speak! Please stay strong! Mom!"
It is clear in her voice that she is on the zone of nervousness. "Just wait here," the doctors commanded her and let go of my hand. I closed my eyes and silently prayed that whatever this may go, it has always been the memorable event for me.
Through out the years, our marriage didn't work out and we let the kids to understand the situation. The kids grew up with the presence of me and Xander. Yes, we do live in the same house but in separate rooms were approved.
Since that very day, all of my hopes and dreams for a happy and loving family faded away. Erasing all the moments and happenings that we shared, because of what I did. The choice that I made, made our worlds broke into pieces and I accepted the fact that it can never bring back the normal and the same again.
I'm still happy because Xander let me stay with the kids. Well, I accept all of his cold and arrogant treatments for me and I survived it all.
And today, this might be the last.
A loveless marriage. That's what we have for the past years of our lives.
I can't stop thanking God for the family He has given to me -- with the perfect kids and a husband. They were still by my side even though, it is not sincere for them. Especially for my eldest who had the most hatred against me. Of course, I take it all, even though it is killing me everyday that he is saying the most painful words against me.
Now, I can't believe she grown up like a fine woman -- she is already in her college life where all the risks were tough and tricky. Life is tricky when you reach that particular stage and I experienced it myself.
===
My eyes couldn't adopt the brightness of the lights in this very room of mine. I gasped when I felt someone touched my hand. I carefully opened my eyes and saw my husband kissing it while looking at me. "H-hey..." he whispered.
I tried to smile. "T-the kids?"
"Parating na si Lexus. Si Larzene, kinakausap na 'yung mga doktor." He shook his head and looked into my eyes. "Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?" Mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ko at ramdam ko na rin ang mabilis na paghinga niya.
"Mas mabuti na ang ganito, Xander." My weak voice let me speak at least.
He kissed my hand all over again and opened my palm so that I can touch his cheek. "Why? Zaira, why?" His voice shaking.
"My love for the three of you is truly unconditional, my man. Even my life, I can give so that you can all be happy." Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. "Wala na kayong aalalahanin." Huminga ako ng malalim. "Mamamatay na ako. Mawawala na ako sa landas mo."
I stared at him and let my tears fall. "That disease you have is a silent killer, Zaira! Alam mo ba ang ibig sabihin no'n?! Unti-unti kang pinapatay!"
Tumango lang ako. "I was destined to have this kind of disease, and maybe, my life is the exchange for the mistake--"
"NO!" He stood up and turned his back at me. "Hindi, Zaira, hindi!" Humarap siya sa akin muli at maingat na hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Lalaban ka, ha?" Umiling ako pero, eto siya at namumula ang mga mata at pilit na pinipigil ang sarili na umiyak. "Gagaling ka, Zaira." Mas lalo akong napaluha nang halikan niya ako sa noo.
Umiling ako at inalis ang kamay ko mula sa kanya. "Ayokong mangako, dahil ayokong masaktan ka," sabi ko at hinaplos ang pisngi niya. "Pero, palagi mong tatandaan na ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo ay pang-habambuhay...asawa ko."
I let my tears fall and tried my best not to make a sound.
"Mom, Dad?!"
The door opened and I saw my youngest son approaching me. He immediately held my face and kissed my temple. "Mommy...please, not now. Mom...please, you promised me to walk with me on the stage, because..." He got something from his backpack and showed his card to me. "I'm running for the valedictorian, this academic year!"
"I am so proud of you, bunso," sabi ko at hinaplos ang mukha niya.
Ipinaglandas niya ang mga daliri namin. Siya talaga ang pinakamalapit sa akin. "Mom..." His voice is shaking. "I love you, please fight."
"Hindi ko kaya, bunso..."
Inilapit ko ang mukha niya sa akin at inangat ang kamay ko para ilandas ang daliri ko sa kanyang matangos na ilong at tumango-tango para iparating sa kanya na: magiging maayos rin ang lahat.
Muli siyang umiling at nakikita ko na ngayon ang mga luhang lumalandas na mula sa mga mata niya. "Mom, please don't scare me...ikaw lang ang kakampi ko, Mom!"
"I can't fight this battle anymore, bunso. Hindi ko na kaya..."
Sa isang kamay ko naman ay naramdaman kong humawak na pala doon ang panganay ko. "Mommy..." I felt a sudden soft hand landed on my very heart. Sa dami ng taon, ngayon ko lang ulit narinig sa kanya ang pagtawag sa akin ng ganyan. "I can't imagine my life without the guidance of a mother." She took a deep breath and hugged me. "I love you, always...Mom." She kissed my temple and started to cry. "I'm sorry!"
"Sshh..." Napabitaw ako sa kanilang dalawa nang naramdaman kong may kumirot mula sa pagkababae ko pataas sa aking puson. "Aahh!" I screamed and touched the screeching pain that I have been going through this past years.
"Call the doctor, Lexus!" I can hear everyone in the urged of panic.
Naramdaman ko nalang bigla ang kamay ni Xander sa akin at hinalikan niya muli ang tuktok ng aking ulo.
Patuloy ang sigaw ko sa sobrang sakit. "Hold on...please, Lexus will be calling the doctor."
I didn't know how many times I screamed and whimpered in pain. All I knew now that all of the pain that they've been through is finally going to end.
"I can't--Xander!" Halos maiyak kong sinabi.
"You were into much pain all these years, my wife and I'm so sorry for having the large part in it," I can hear him whisper and held my hand tight.
"Jesus! Mom, you're bleeding!"
I can't respond to all of them until the doctors came and immediately handled me. "Mr. Del Valle, this is the last option, she will be having the operation. But, here's the thing, she might not survive. Stage four of Uterine Cancer was declared on her."
That's the last thing I've heard and the doctors hurried me inside the operating room...
===
XANDER
Stage four? As far as I know, it is the most critical part of Cancer.
Tuluyan na akong nanghina sa aking narinig. Lumabas na muna kami nila Larzene at naghintay para sa magiging resulta ng operasyon ni Zaira. Paano niya nagawang itago ito ng sobrang daming taon? Sa lahat ba naman ng sakit na magkakaroon siya ay 'yon pa ang dahilan kung bakit maraming pamilya ang nagluluksa ngayon.
She's been a good mother and a wife even though I treated her really bad. She accepts it all, kahit na halos ikamatay na niya ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. I've been a ruthless devil and yet she stayed by my side and took all the pain.
I find my way into the chapel of the hospital and cried my heart out.
Then I silently prayed, "Please give my wife the strength. to overcome this. I don't want to lose her again. I need help from her to guide our kids until we let them go and have the family of their own. I need to have a companion until we reach the age of forever. Please tell her not to go yet and I swear we will bring her dreams do come true -- to have a happy and loving family."
BUMALIK na rin ako sa tapat ng operating room at nadatnan ko na roon ang mga magulang namin. I hugged my Mom to at least gain some strength.
"She can do this, she's a strong woman," she encouraged me.
We patiently waited for hours and I kept on comforting the kids. As a father, I shouldn't be showing any kind of weakness. But, what can I do? This kind of situation is the least that I can't handle.
All of our attention was locked at the white double-doors of the OR. Until three nurses hurriedly went outside. The two proceeded and the last one stayed. "Family of Mrs. Del Valle?"
"I am her husband," I declared.
He turned to me and tapped my shoulder. "She's too weak to do the operation. Her immunity system cannot handle the pressure. The cancer cells were spread all around her body and she keeps on bleeding, which is we can't stop." He looked at all of us. "We're expecting for a miracle. So far, only seventeen percent survived this kind of cancer."
I just nod and I can hear the cry and gasps of the people around me. I looked at each of them and found out that my son is glaring at me. "Mom don't deserve this, Dad!" I heard him growl. He pointed me and stood up. "Mom was selfless for the three of us and you, you are fucking ruthless!"
"Lexus!" I heard Larzene hissed.
"Wala na kayong nagawa kung hindi ang magkapihan! Si Mommy rin naman nasasaktan, 'di ba? Sana nga kayo ang nasa posisyon niya ngayon para maramdaman niyo kung gaano siya naghihirap dati pa!"
I looked at my son, with question in my head. "You knew this, Lexus?"
"Since day one, Dad." The tone of being sarcastic was painted in his voice. "You didn't even care that the symptoms were already showing. Mom used to scream in pain every night and you just ignored her, even you, woman." He turned to Larzene.
"Have some respect, Lexus!"
I sighed. "Stop the fight, you two. Nasa harapan tayo ng mga lolo at lola n'yo."
MY EYES kept on staring at the double-doors and I was still hoping and praying for a miracle. Marami pa akong pwedeng sabihin sa kanya. Gusto kong mapatawad niya ako sa mga sakit na idinulot ko sa kanya.
Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. Pinagpapawisan na rin ako. Malaki ang tiwala ko sa Kanya. Malaki rin ang tiwala ko kay Zaira na isa siya sa mga magiging matagumpay na Cancer Survivor.
My nervousness stayed in my body.
Until, finally, the double-doors opened. I immediately ran to the doctor.
Please tell me she survived.
Hingal na hingal siyang tumingin sa akin at umiling. "I'm sorry...we did everything we could...but, she didn't make it."
It seems like I've lost my sense of hearing when he announced it. "What do you mean she didn't make it?! You're lying!"
"Xander Marc," my father called me.
My Mom hugged me and kissed my shoulder. "Wherever she is right now, I know it is the safest place, anak."
===
Xander,
My eternal love, my Eros, my Agape. I love you -- so much. Do you know what's worth living? Having a simple life with you and the kids makes my entire existence feels so...complete. I never imagined that I will be having you as my husband and my companion in life. I endlessly thank God for the three most precious gift I've ever received -- you, Larzene and Lexus. Having the three of you around is already enough to make me breath and smile every second, minutes, hours and days that passes by.
I have decided to write this not for a goodbye but to express my last words to you. I know I have made a very deep hole in your heart. You never fail to let me feel the agony, the pain and the betrayal for what I did...and while reading this, I'm asking you a favor to give the remaining two for our most precious kids. I'll entrusted you with that. I have my own letters for the each of you.
Hub, my tears are not stopping from falling while writing this. I will forever regret what I've done to our family, because literally, I broke it...crashed it into pieces. You will forever hate me for it, but my love for you...will remain. My heart breaks if I will say goodbye to you, because literally, I will not do that. I know, we will still be seeing each other again, and when that time comes, I will be witnessing you with Jexamine.
Right now, I am giving you the rights to let Jexamine be the one who will be with you throughout your life. I know, you will certainly agree on this...right?
I've observe on how you look at her and how much you admire her as a woman...and I envy her for being the one who is capable of making you happy. Hub, you're free now. You can build new family with Jexamine...and if that happens, I'll make sure to be the happiest for you.
Thank you for letting me experience how you care, how you laugh with me, cuddle with me and most of all...thank you for letting me feel how a Xander Marc S. Del Valle love. Now, I'm advising you to let Jexamine feel that love more.
The thought of it makes me clap my hands and jump for joy. Because, I know that she is the one for you. We may be destined to love each other, it's just that...'forever' is not for us. But, remember this my man...I love you, I love you.
Loving you forever,
Zaira.
Three months passed and we are all adjusting and coping for the situation. I never let a day that passes by that I am not reading her letter for me...but, with the favor she wants me to do -- I just can't do it. I don't want to.
We made all the preparations for that very day that we let her go. Starting on that exact day, my son treats me more coldly. The blame was all on me and I should accept it, he despise me as his father after all.
And it is all my fault.
I never thought our family would ended up like this. It is just painful to see my youngest can bear this treatment around us.
I let out a deep sigh as I recall the beautiful memories that we shared as husband and wife and as the parents of our kids. My tears started falling when I heard her say, "I love you...I love you." My knees trembled and gripped the sheet of the bed and breathed rapidly.
I glanced at our large wedding picture and I let my raging tears fall in my cheeks. I regretted the days I treated her so badly.
No any other woman can compare to my wife.
"I..." Struggling, my fingers caressed her face in the picture. "I'm sorry, my wife. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I grab the medium-size frame from the bed-side table and which my favorite picture of hers was being printed. I smiled painfully...how can I such be a cruel to her after all these years?
Since that very day, I was not able to tell her how much I want to hug and cuddle with her, but I just couldn't. It is because of the pain that I went through, and it is my biggest regret not to open my eyes on how I am being worst to her.
And for the last days and months with her, I never said that I am endlessly loving her.
Mahal na mahal ko si Zaira -- ang babaeng ginawa ang lahat para mapatawad ko lang siya. Pero, ipinagkait ko lamang iyon.
"Zaira..."
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