The first semester of my final year of high school went fairly uneventful. Other than the fact that by April I was essentially living with Leeteuk-oppa. I spent Jonghyun's birthday and the anniversary of SHINee's debut with Taemin. The others had all left for conscription by this point. Without me, he would've been alone to tour the museum set-up that SM had made to chronicle SHINee's 10th Anniversary, which included things that Jonghyun had worn, touched, used, and pictures of the group from debut up until now. It was bittersweet for Taemin who loved and missed Jonghyun so much.
BTS debuted Map of the Soul: Persona in New York, before coming back to do the comeback stages. After that, they were right back on a plane to California, as their tour continued through mid-July. They had concerts in America, South America, Europe, and Japan, before taking a break until technically mid-October.
In mid-October the tour would continue with a trip to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, a historic concert, considering the venue was letting females in for the first time in decades to attend the event. They would return to Seoul after that and finish up the concert with a couple of performances there. Basically, I was going to be spending a lot of time with Leeteuk in 2019, considering by the time the Love Yourself: Speak Yourself tour ended, it was going to be the beginning of the end of year awards show season.
I kept my grades up in the first semester, and still spent time with my friends, but one day, I went out with Changbin, which I had been keeping the fact we'd been spending so much time together from everyone, and dyed my hair purple. My friends were shocked, but liked it. Leeteuk took a picture and sent it to Appa. He called and threw a fit. Changbin thought it looked cute on me. Honestly, I did, too.
With BTS gone, Changbin was helping me to do Kris' song in Yoongi's studio. It was finished before they got back in July from Japan. Yoongi was angry I had been in his studio to work on the song unsupervised, but again, nobody knew Changbin had anything to do with it other than Kris. Since Appa and the rest of BTS had missed my birthday, Leeteuk had thrown me a party with my friends, which was a lot of fun. When BTS returned, I sat Appa down to talk.
"What is it?" Appa asked, sounding tired.
"I want you to reconsider allowing me to start dating, Appa," I told him. "I'm 18 now, and I want to know that you trust my judgment if I want to start dating."
"I need to think about that. Especially since you've been so... colorful lately," he replied.
"I thought the change looked good on me, Appa. It made me see possibilities of what I could be in my future," I replied. "I liked the different colors. But because you were so against it, Leeteuk-oppa made sure I had all the color removed before you came home."
"Who gave you permission to do that, Ryu-ah?"
"I didn't ask," I admitted.
He let out an overdramatic sigh.
"Ryu-ah, you knew the rules of you being allowed to go out unsupervised was that I, or whoever was your guardian if I wasn't in Seoul, knew who you were with and what you were doing," Appa started. "You didn't stick to that with Leeteuk. And now you're asking for more freedom? How am I supposed to trust you with more freedom after you just broke the trust in the freedom I'd already been giving you?"
"Appa, it was only changing my hair! Everyone walks on eggshells around me about me doing anything, even with you giving me that freedom! Even when you're not in Seoul, it's like if I so much as want to change the style of jeans I wear, they need to call you and it's a whole debate! How is that really freedom?" I demanded.
Again, he let out an overdramatic sigh.
"Alright, I'll give you a second chance and we'll try allowing you to date, Ryu," he conceded to my points. "But, I want to meet anybody you're going to date and I want to know that our communications won't break down. If you get into trouble with your boyfriend, I want to know that you will still come talk to me, Ryu-ah. It took us years of fighting and then me being scared to death for us to come this far. I'm not willing to lose the progress we've made."
"Appa, I promise I will keep talking to you when something is wrong," I told him. "Just remember, sometimes it's easier for me to talk to Yoongi and Kookie to work out how to talk to you before I actually talk to you. So you need to promise to continue giving me that patience to come to you when I know how to say what I need to."
"I will. I would rather wait to be able to actually speak to you than go back to the years of shouting matches, Ryu-ah."
We hugged.
"So, is there someone you wanted to date that gave you the courage to approach this with me?" he asked me.
"Actually, Appa, Seo Changbin asked me out," I told him. "He's not that much older than me. He was born late in 1999. We've been hanging out, with Leeteuk's knowledge, because he helped me finish the song for Kris. We had a lot of fun as he taught me more about music production. He even helped me pick out a laptop and install the better programs to use for music production, so I can practice."
"Who paid for all of that?" Appa asked.
"I did," I told him. "It was with the money Kris paid me for each session we worked. The payment for the completed song was put into the bank."
"He must have paid you well to produce his song," Appa said, amazed.
"He did. I had a lot of fun doing it for him. I haven't really gotten to produce any songs since 2015 for you guys. I want to be able to do things in music. And Honggi's offer for me is still on the table to collaborate with FT Island..." I started rambling. "But back to Changbin, Appa. He makes me feel normal while still making sure I'm safe with my heart. Last time you were away, he even came and spent a few hours in the hospital with me. He was there when I woke up after I was initially medicated to get my heart rate under control."
Appa sighed.
"He does sound like he's a good person with you..." he started. "If he comes to the house so he and I can talk, I will allow it. But if you are out with him on school nights, your curfew will be back to midnight. When it's not a school night, you can retain your one a.m. curfew."
I thought about it for a second.
"I think that's fair, Appa. I'll tell Changbin what you said and give him your number so the two of you can handle meeting," I told him. "But what about me collaborating with FT Island?"
"I'll allow you to do it, but you can't spend whole days in the studio with them. It's your summer vacation and I would like to spend some time with you before BTS leaves to go film Bon Voyage and you go back to school," he said.
"Thank you, Appa! I'm going to go call Honggi!"
I ran off to talk to Honggi, I realized 4 full days in the studio with him would handle what he wanted from me. So I went back to Appa. He wasn't thrilled, but realizing it would get me out of the studio faster, he agreed. He did, however, remind me he and Changbin still needed to sit down and talk before I could date him. After that we all just relaxed for the day.
Kookie convinced Appa a few days after BTS came back that he needed to let me be a normal teenager in ways that were safe for me. So, Appa took me to take my driver's license exam a couple of days later. I was surprised I passed since I never thought Appa would let me drive. He didn't know that both Johnny-oppa, Taeyong-oppa, and Chanyeol-oppa had all let me drive before. Seung-hyun-oppa even let me drive when I was hanging out with him, but Appa would never admonish Seung-hyun-oppa because he was Appa's elder.
When we got home, Appa and I were both surprised to find out that Kookie, Yoongi, and the other members of BTS had bought me my own SUV for my birthday. I was surprised in a super excited kind of way. Appa seemed to be excited in a way that he was unsure if he was happy or angry that they'd gotten me the SUV.
"Thank you, Oppas!" I exclaimed, bowing to them all before running to hug each of them. "I never thought I'd be allowed to get my license, never mind allowed to drive, so this is such a huge surprise! Thank you!"
"Dongsaengs..." Appa started. "Why would you not only get Ryung-gi a car behind my back, but an SUV? None of you had even discussed whether or not I would let her take her driver's license exam with me. How did you know I would allow it when you went and bought it?"
"Jin-hyung," Kookie started, "you promised her to let her have freedom as long as she was safe. Driving is a normal freedom that teenagers her age have. I knew I could get you to agree to let her take the test."
"And why such a big car?" Appa asked.
"We wanted to make sure that Ryu-ah was safe when she drives," Yoongi stepped up. "We researched different types of cars, then SUVs. This SUV has high safety ratings. If, in an accident, drivers and passengers suffer minimal injuries compared to cars and other SUVs. The SUV won't just crush under the weight of impact, it has all the best safety features you could possibly want for her. We really did our research on finding a vehicle that would keep Ryu-ah safe when she drove. That's why we picked this SUV."
Appa just looked at them for a minute. Then he sighed.
"Gamsahamnida," he finally said, cracking a smile. "I appreciate what all of you have done over the years that Ryu-ah has been my ddal. I'm sure she does as well. I know she loves all of you as much as you love her."
"So, can she take us for a drive?" Hobi asked, ever-excited.
"Can I, Appa?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"Fine," he said. "Let's go."
We all got into the SUV, and I drove around Seoul for about an hour before stopping so they could get snacks and then we drove home. It was the most freeing experience I had ever felt. I thanked everyone again when we got home before Appa made dinner and I went to bed.
I found out the morning I was going to start the collaboration with FT Island that Changbin would be meeting with Appa, Yoongi, and Kookie on one of the days I was with Honggi. I knew he'd be fine, but he was nervous. After reassuring him that all he had to do was be the Changbin he was with me and he'd be fine, I got in the car with Honggi, who had agreed to pick me up and drive me home on my first day with him so I would know how to get back and forth on my own.
"So, are you ready to work, Ryu-ah?" Honggi asked me and I nodded. "Even though Changbin will be meeting with Jin, Kookie, and Yoongi one of these days."
"I know he has nothing to worry about, Oppa," I replied to him.
"I thought when you started dating, you and Jisung would..." he started to imply.
"I have feelings for him, but I don't know what they are, Oppa. Not completely, anyway. And even if I did, I'm scared to do something that could risk me losing my best friend in the world," I told him.
"Ryu-ah, love is about taking risks," he replied.
"Risks that can lead to heartbreak," I answered. "I don't know if I want to risk that."
He was kinda quiet after that until we got to the studio. When we did, he sat me down with the other guys to explain what I was doing. Over the next four days, I would be recording the keyboard on the tracks for their album. After that, Honggi asked me to lay down some background vocals to bring something different to the group's dynamic.
"That's no big," I told him when he explained everything to us. "Just give me about 15 or 20 minutes to practice each song between recordings so I can memorize them."
"What do you mean? It takes a lot longer than 20 minutes to perfect a song," Song Seung-hyun, the guitarist said to me.
"Actually, she can memorize a song by ear, Seung-hyun. When Honggi and I did that favor for Heechul, she was the best at playing back what we were playing, remember?" Jaejin asked in reply.
"How can you do that?" Choi Minhwan, the drummer asked me.
"After Jin from BTS became my Appa, Suga became my music teacher. Over the years, he's taught me mostly the piano, but he's also taught me the guitar and music production. When he started teaching me, he taught me to start truly listening to the chords, to hear the music notes, not to be distracted by the vocals. I learned to play a song by ear. I can be left alone with sheet music for no more than 20 minutes at this point and play it pitch perfect," I replied. "Min Yoongi is no slouch when it comes to teaching. Almost perfect was acceptable when I was first learning from him, just out of the hospital when I was 11. He expects perfection now."
"And she delivers it," Honggi said. "It's why I asked her to work with us. Being down a keyboardist wasn't a good enough reason to lose our sound. With Ryu-ah, we keep our sound and she can help us add a new element to it for this album before I leave for conscription. We'll see how it goes."
The guys agreed and I was left with the sheet music for the first song. I would be doing the keyboards for one song a day mostly, doing two songs on the first day. The vocals would be done on the second through fourth days.
On the fourth day, we were recording the last song on the album, "Don't Lose Yourself." When it was over, Honggi came over and hugged me. I looked up at him and smiled.
"You did a great job, Ryu-ah. I'm glad you agreed to do this," he said.
"So am I, Oppa," I replied.
"Maybe we can work again someday," I told him.
"Maybe. You're almost out of high school. We'll see what happens when I come back from conscription," he replied.
"I'd like that, Oppa. I'm really liking that I'm getting to experience all aspects of the music business," I told him.
"What do you mean?" he asked. "I know about this and that you choreographed a few videos for ATEEZ. What else have you done?"
"I actually helped Yoongi-oppa produce some of the songs on one of BTS's albums in 2015," I started. "Since he was my music teacher and they released the two albums that year, he didn't have a lot of time to focus on teaching me the piano. Instead, he taught me about music production and let me help produce some songs. It became my music class. What I produced became my assignments. Plus, I produced a song for Kris Wu that he's planning on releasing later this year."
"That's impressive, Ryu-ah," he said, impressed. "It sounds like the only things you haven't done are be in a music video, produce a music video, be on a music show, host a music show, and actually write your own song. And I can change two of those things when this album is released."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, originally, we were going to do promotions for the album without you," he started. "But since you've already experienced so many parts of the music business at this point, it seems wrong not to include you in the video and comeback. I'll talk to Jin about it."
"I don't think Appa actually wants me in the media more than necessary, Oppa," I told him.
"The media is well-aware of your presence, Ryu-ah," Honggi started. "They're even aware of your work with ATEEZ and I doubt it will take long for them to find out about your work with FT Island and they'll definitely find out about you producing the song with Kris Wu. They're going to go crazy about that, considering you're so close to so many SM artists and the way he left. You might want to talk to Heechul about handling that before Kris releases that song. But my point is, the media has known about you since Jin adopted you. They've been given limited access to any information about you, but they've been well-aware of you. Things that you do that aren't considered private, like working with idols, are free-reign for them to report on. That's the deal Big Hit was able to work out with the media because you were still a kid and you were recovering from a heart transplant."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"When Jin agreed to go back to work for Big Hit, it was under certain circumstances. They needed to find you the best tutors, a caretaker for when no member of BTS could be at the hospital with you when you were still there and to help with you when you were released. That they understood that you were Jin's number one priority and if he needed something for you to fulfill his obligations to them, they needed to help him with it, or else he'd miss work. And most importantly, he knew that keeping you out of the media was no longer an option as you were now his daughter. So, he compromised that Big Hit would ensure that you would only be brought into the spotlight when absolutely necessary. Jin made it clear that publicity would not take priority over your health and the media could put unnecessary stress on you that could put your health at risk. Big Hit agreed without argument. However, all parties agreed that your private life would be off-limits for your health. If you happened to work in a field that put you in the spotlight like Jin, they could approach you about what you were up to," Honggi explained to me.
"Basically, for what I've done with FT Island, ATEEZ, and Kris Wu, it's open season on me to the media if they get me alone as they find everything out?" I asked and he nodded.
"Good to know," I said. "Now I know never to be alone."
He laughed.
"I should go, Oppa. It's been a fun few days, but I know Appa wants to spend time with me this summer before BTS goes to film Bon Voyage."
Honggi nodded and walked me to my SUV. He gave me another hug and opened my door. Once he was certain I was in securely, he shut my door. He stayed there until I was buckled and left the parking structure.
Walking into the house, I was surprised to find Changbin sitting with Appa, Kookie, and Yoongi. At first I just said a quick hello, excusing myself to my room to wash up since I had just come home. When I had done so, Hobi came into my room before I could go back upstairs.
"He's been in the living room with him for almost two hours," he told me.
I cringed.
"How has it been going?" I asked.
"Honestly? Not that bad, considering how much more protective of you those three are," Hobi answered. "You know all seven of us are very protective of you, Ryu-ah, but those three are just on another level. Probably because they spent the most time with you when you were still in such bad shape."
"Maybe," I replied. "Do you think I should go up there?"
"I think you should let the four of them finish their conversation," Hobi advised. "If they need you, they'll ask you to come upstairs. If you just go up, they might think you're trying to keep them from really talking to Changbin. Like I said, so far he's holding his own. He hasn't said anything to offend them or that could be offensive against you, so he's okay."
"Alright. I won't go up there. But could you go and get me a snack and drink? Maybe give me an idea of what is going on up there?" I asked and he smiled at me before leaving.
Yoongi's POV:
"You still have not explained to me why you were in my studio at Big Hit with Ryung-gi while we were away to produce the song for Kris Wu, Seo Changbin," I stated. "I would like an answer to that."
"Ryung-gi told me that is where she learned how to produce to begin with. So, when she decided she wanted to work on his song while you were away, that's where she brought me. I figured if she had the code to your studio, then you trusted her to use it. We only used your equipment twice. After that, I had helped her buy her own equipment to work with and we only went in there because it was the better environment to work from," he replied. "I'm sorry I didn't question her and call you to make sure it was okay."
"Wait, Ryu-ah said she paid for the new laptop and the programs to produce Kris' song with the money he paid her per session. Did he really pay her that much in two sessions?" Jin asked Changbin, which made him look nervous.
"No," Changbin answered, sighing. "In the combination of all the sessions before the song was completed, yes, he paid her more than enough for the laptop and programs. I paid for them up front. She paid everything I spent for them in installments as we worked on the song. I just wanted her to feel like she didn't have to rely on Yoongi-hyung's equipment when he wasn't there to supervise her using it. I was afraid that if something happened and somehow any part of his equipment was broken, it would cause a lot of tension between Yoongi-hyung and Ryung-gi. I didn't want to risk that because I know how close they are."
"Are you lying about Ryu-ah paying you back everything for the equipment you bought her to produce?" Kookie asked.
"No," he said firmly, and I believed him. "When I bought it, she told me she would only let me do it if it was a loan. I agreed because I wanted her to have it and it was the only way. I can show you the transfers she made to me on my phone. I can show you the receipts for what was bought the next time I see any of the three of you."
"I believe you when you say she paid you back," I told him. "Why didn't you tell anyone that the two of you were working on his song?"
"She wanted to wait until you came back home to tell you, so she kept the number of people who knew she was working on it without you to a minimum to make sure you didn't find out before she told you," he explained.
"We may not like it, but it makes sense, Yoongi-hyung," Kookie said.
"Do you know who encouraged Ryu-ah to dye her hair different colors?" Jin asked.
"Nobody did, Sir," Changbin said. "That was Ryung-gi's choice on her own. I was with her when she did it, but the most say I had in that choice was asking her if she was sure about what she was doing."
"So you admit you were with her when she dyed her hair light blue?" I asked him.
"School had just let out, she wanted a change, and she can't do something like that while school is in session, so yeah, I went with her. At least she has enough self-control not to do something like this when school is in session, when she can get suspended for her hair being a color that isn't natural," he answered. "Ryung-gi had spoken to a few of her friends about wanting to change her hair color. However, she also told all of us why she wouldn't just do it as soon as BTS left Korea in April. She felt it wasn't worth the trouble she'd get into school for that kind of self-expression."
"She really said that?" Jin asked.
"Yes, she did," Changbin replied. "She doesn't just consider if her actions will get her into trouble with you, Jin-hyung. She also considers if they will get her into trouble at school, or if she thinks her heart is strong enough to handle the actions she wants to take. She's a lot more cautious than even most of her friends want to give her credit for most of the time. She's smart, brave, wants to live her life to the fullest, but isn't stupid about how she's doing it, she's kind, and to those she cares about, she loves them with all her heart. She is considerate about not only her actions, but of others' feelings, and there aren't enough people out there who are like that."
"Those are the reasons you care so much for Ryu-ah, aren't they," Kookie asked, in awe.
"Some of them," Changbin said, shyly.
"You didn't mention Ryu-ah's looks once," Jin stated.
"I see so much more than her looks, Hyung," Changbin said. "I see a young woman who is excited to live her life to the fullest, who enjoys the little things, and gets very excited when she can do something that she never thought she could do. She amazes me with how pure her outlook on life is, even after the things she's been through."
"You do realize she's afraid of physical contact from most people, don't you?" I asked him.
"I do. I also know why she's afraid of physical contact from people she doesn't know well or doesn't trust," he replied. "That doesn't matter to me. I'm not looking to lure Ryung-gi into bed with me. Neither of us are ready for that, so that's not even something I had thought about."
Before I could say anything else, Jin spoke up.
"You've been very patient with us, Seo Changbin. We've been questioning you for more than two hours at this point," Jin started. "You've answered us honestly, which is the most important thing to me. I need to know that you'll be honest and that I can trust you with Ryu-ah. So far, that's exactly what you've shown me. So, I will allow you and Ryu-ah to date. Just know that if Ryu-ah's grades start to slip, she's only spending time with you, or she starts breaking the rules of her being allowed out unsupervised, which include being home by her set curfew, I will put an end to this. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Hyung. It's very clear. I don't want any of that for Ryu-ah," Changbin said, looking Jin in the eyes directly. "I don't want to monopolize her time, get her into trouble, or interfere in her education. I want what's best for her while letting her express herself and live her life to the fullest as safely as possible."
"Than we're on the same page, Seo Changbin. You have my blessings," Jin replied.
"As long as Ryu-ah is happy, I'm happy for her," Kookie said. "Just don't hurt her or else BamBam and Yugy are gonna get you. They're very attached to Ryu-ah as well. They'll kick your ass and then bring you to me to kick it."
Kookie smirked at him. Changbin lost a little confidence. I smiled a little on the inside.
"Fine," I conceded. "I'll agree with Jin and Kookie. But like Kookie said, if you hurt her, you'll pay for hurting her."
"I would never intentionally hurt her," Changbin promised.
"Do you have to get back to JYP or can you stay for dinner with us?" Jin asked, still smiling brightly.
"It's my day off," Changbin replied.
"Perfect! I'll cook..." Jin started, but Kookie cut him off.
"Hyung, after we've been questioning him for so long, I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is spend more time with the three of us, let alone all seven of us," Kookie started. "You agreed to allow him to date Ryu-ah. Let them go out to dinner. Extend her curfew by an hour so he can go shower and change, then let the two of them go out for the night."
Jin sighed.
"Alright," he conceded. "Changbin, would you like to go out with Ryu-ah tonight?"
"If that's alright with you, Hyung," he said, trying not to look hopeful.
"Then go. Wash up and come back ready to go. You can text me what your plans are so I can make sure Ryu-ah is dressed appropriately before you come back. Just make sure she's home by 2 am, Changbin," Jin told him. "I'm extending her curfew for tonight only, so don't break it."
"Yes, Hyung," Changbin said as he got up and left.
"Are we sure about this?" I asked.
"We all know that Ryu-ah is as much our baby as she is Hyung's, Yoongi-hyung, but he genuinely seems to care about her," Kookie said to me.
"Plus, she actually had the nerve to ask me after dying her hair without permission," Jin continued. "I think that means that she cares about him in some way too."
"But I thought the seven of us thought she would end up with Jisung-ie from NCT?" I asked.
"Yeah, but she's told all three of us that she's afraid of dating him because if that doesn't work out she might lose her best friend," Jin answered.
"And no matter how those two love each other, which we all know they do, Ryu-ah isn't ready to risk losing Jisung-ie in any way. He's her stability in a life when not even waking up everyday has been a given in years. He's the security she holds onto," Kookie said. "Jin-hyung, since you said you're going to start dinner, can I tell Ryu-ah what happened up here?"
"Hobi was trying to spy, but he couldn't really hear much," I told him. "Not without making a lot of noise in the kitchen, anyway."
"Sure, Kookie. You can tell her," Jin said. "When I hear from Changbin, I'll come let her know what kind of clothes she should wear."
Kookie left the room. Jin turned to me.
"Do you think I'm restricting Ryu-ah's freedom of expression?" he asked me.
"I don't know," I replied. "I mean, we've all dyed our hair more times than I can keep track of, but Ryu-ah has never mentioned wanting to do it before. If she wants to do it during school breaks or when she graduates, that's between you and her. But, when we came back and she argued with you about how her wanting to change anything about how she looked is always a drawn-out debate with you? She was telling the truth about that, Hyung. You do make big things out of things that don't need to be. I know I do it when I'm upset at her, but you do it on basically any choice she wants to make, all while tell her she has some kind of freedom. She really doesn't."
"What do you mean?"
"How can you say you're giving her freedom and the room to grow up when you want to know every little thing she's doing, every person she's with, what types of clothes she's wearing, everything? You're micromanaging her over the phone, now."
"But her heart, Yoongi," Jin started. "She can literally end up needing a heart transplant again any time between now and her 23rd birthday. How can I let her go without knowing all of this?"
"By trusting her, Jin-hyung," I replied. "It's not an easy idea for you, me, or Kookie to accept, but we need to. We need to trust her and her friends. They've never given us a reason not to trust them. Even when Ryu-ah didn't realize she was going into distress at school, it was her friends who realized and made sure she was discreetly taken care of and that you were notified. When she was with Taemin, she realized something was a little off and asked to be taken to the hospital to be safe. Whether the three of us are willing to admit or not, between those she spends her time with and Ryu-ah, herself, they've proven they've got her health managed when she's away from us. We need to let go of the reigns. Otherwise, she'll be 19 next year, Hyung. We might push her away from us."
"No! I'm not ready for her to leave home yet," he said. "How do I let go?"
"You start by allowing Changbin to take her out without knowing exactly where he's taking her. Just find out what type of clothes she should wear and remind him she has to be back her no later than 2 am," I said. "Then, you start doing the same when she wants to go out with her friends."
"What about things like dying her hair? Changing the style of clothes she wears? Getting involved in music projects in different ways?" Jin asked.
"As far as her hair, maybe you should ask her to wait until after she graduates high school to do that again. She has weeks until her last term of school starts. It would be a waste of the dye to do it now," I started. "If she wants to change the style of clothes she wears, compromise with her and tell her Kookie or I have to go shopping with her. You're too biased as her father to tell her if other styles look good on her, but Kookie and I will be honest without her going overboard. And music projects? Sit down and talk to her. She's almost out of high school. She'll have a lot more free time on her hands, and it's not like entertainment companies haven't approached you before, Hyung. It's better you talk to her than act like you didn't know she's been being scouted."
"You're right," he said as he sighed. "I'll talk to her soon."
Kookie's POV:
"Ryu-ah?" I said as I went into her room. "I guess Hobi told you the little bit he heard when he was eavesdropping already?"
"Yeah, but it wasn't much," she admitted. "So, what happened?"
"For one, Jin knows you didn't pay for the laptop and programs up front, but Changbin did it and you paid him back," I told her. "Why didn't you just tell us that? It's not a big deal. You paid him back the money before we even got back to Korea."
"Because I had paid him back the money already. The laptop and the programs, everything that went into making it possible for me to produce from that laptop, it was paid for exactly how I said. I didn't feel the need to pull Changbin into it when I didn't owe him any money," she explained.
"Okay," I replied. "Then why didn't you tell him that, technically, you weren't supposed to be in Yoongi's studio without him using his equipment?"
"I wanted to work on the song. Yoongi seemed mad that I had even shown Kris that I knew how to produce music in any way, so he basically told me I'd have to wait until now to even start. It was like he was punishing me because I was trying to use what he taught me for one of my friends," she started. "It's one thing to do that to me, but Kris, this is how he makes money just like you guys do. It's not right for him to take his anger for me out on Kris. So, Changbin helped me work on the song. We only used Yoongi-hyung's equipment a couple of times before I got my own. After that we used his studio because it was a great space where we could connect with Kris to work on the song without being disturbed. That was it."
"So, you had already been waiting a few months to start working on the song before we left to continue the tour when you and Changbin started working on it?" I asked her and she nodded. "I understand why you wanted to work on it so much. If I had a song I wanted to work on, I don't think I'd be able to stay out of the studio for months before I worked on it. You had a lot of self-control, Ryu-ah. Next time, talk to me. I'll let you use my studio."
She smiled at me.
"So, what did you three decide about Changbin?" she asked me.
"Well, we're waiting for him to contact Jin right now," I started. "I convinced Jin that instead of inviting Changbin to dinner, maybe he should let him take you out instead. I mean, he'd already been stuck in this house with us for over two hours. He couldn't have wanted to stay here."
She laughed as she threw her arms around me in a hug.
"Gomawo, Oppa," she said.
"You're welcome, Ryu-ah. You know I will always do what will make you happy as long as it won't hurt you," I told her. "Which is why I told him if he hurts you, BamBam and Yugy will beat his ass before they bring him to me to beat. Yoongi also threatened him with violence."
I smiled at her and she just shook her head at me.
Ryu-ah's POV:
After Changbin and I finally got out of the house, I tossed him the keys to my SUV. He looked at me questioningly.
"I noticed you have Lee Know's car. Let's take the SUV," I told him.
We got in and he started driving. He took me out for a nice dinner and after he finally relaxed from his ordeal with Appa, Kookie, and Yoongi, everything just went smoother with us. After dinner we went and got ice cream. Finally, he took me to a park with a beautiful view of the city from one of the higher points. We made the hike to the point and it was so breathtaking to just look at the city from there. He held me from behind, his arms keeping me warm.
"Do you like this view, Ryu-ah?" he asked me.
"It's beautiful, Changbin. Nobody has ever brought me up here before," I told him.
He turned me around to look at me.
"Why?" he asked, confused.
"Probably because they were afraid of me making that hike," I told him, not looking at him, upset of how many things I hadn't been allowed to do before. "For all these years, Appa has made everyone be extra cautious with what they were allowed to do with me because of my heart. It kept me from living my life."
"Jin-hyung was wrong to do that. As long as you are cautious on your own, nobody should tell you what you are capable of doing, Ryu-ah. Only you can tell anyone how your heart feels, how far you can go before you need to stop, and you amaze me all the time with the things you've accomplished when people say someone who has had a heart transplant can't do that," he replied to me.
"You sound like Taeyong-oppa the day I met him," I said to him, finally looking at him, calming down. "Xiumin, Lay, and Chen had arranged a concert to cheer me up after Tao quit and left because I got upset. Not like what would put me in the hospital, just, I wasn't really speaking or showing emotion for a while. But they left me with Taeyong-Oppa and told him to look after me, and gave him the bag with my emergency meds, the instructions, and that time, it had some snacks. During the concert, while BigBang performed, Taeyong read the instructions in the bag. He realized I had a heart transplant a year before and he was amazed. He said I didn't act like I'd had a heart transplant. After we'd talked a bit, he told me he was my fan and was rooting for me to be able to do whatever I wanted in my life. That was the day I met the SM Rookies and Taeyong and I became friends."
"Taeyong was right to be amazed by you, Ryu-ah," Changbin replied. "Since you started school, you have proven that your heart transplant will not hold you back from life. I admire that in you. Every time you do something nobody thought was possible I am so proud to be your friend, and now, to be your boyfriend. I care so much for you, Ryu-ah, and I want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest."
"Changbin, I think you're the first person to tell me that without lecturing me about how scared they are about the way I act," she said, smiling brightly at me.
"Why would I lecture you when I know that you know what you're doing?" he asked me. "You've had very few accidents since your transplant, Ryu-ah. You know how to live your life without everyone panicking and lecturing you about what you shouldn't be doing. So, why should I lecture you?"
I leaned into Changbin. He leaned towards me. When we kissed, it was different from even the first time we'd kissed. It wasn't just a feeling of passion and need from him, since he'd just told me how he'd felt, finally getting to speak to me after I had been kidnapped. This was us connecting on a level, understanding each other on a level, like I hadn't had before. I liked it, but it left me conflicted. Jisung was still the most important person to me outside of BTS. Still, I had feelings for Changbin that I couldn't deny and he understood me in ways that Jisung didn't. When we stopped for air, Jisung was already out of my mind.
"That kiss felt different, Oppa," I said to him, smiling.
"I think you may have finally let yourself connect to me more than you do other people, Ryu-ah," he replied, and I realized he was right.
He pulled me in for another kiss. I liked kissing him. Even though he was older than me, he was still a perfect gentleman. His hands stayed around my waist, where he had been holding me since he had turned me around to face him. Before we started to make our way down to my SUV, Changbin did stop me and touch my scar, which I had always been self-conscious of, so he had to pull my shirt down a little to expose the top of it.
"You hate this scar, Ryu-ah. You're so self-conscious about it. You have been as long as I've known you," he started. "You shouldn't be. That is just another scar that shows the journey from who you were to who you are now. You should be proud of that scar because your survived a plane crash and a heart transplant. That scar is proof that you are a fighter, someone who won't just lay down and die because the world wants you too. I love that scar."
"Why do you love my transplant scar, Changbin?" I asked, confused.
"Because, the reason you have that scar made it possible for you to live long enough for our destinies to cross, Ryu-ah," he replied. "If you didn't have that scar, there's no telling if you would have survived this long after the crash. Honestly, I know a lot of people who would not be the same people they are today if you hadn't, myself included."
He leaned in and kissed the top tip of my scar. It was the most intimate I had let anyone get with me willingly. Yet, I wasn't scared. Changbin's words had me thinking if maybe I should look at the scar from a different perspective. He took my hand and we went to my SUV.
He decided to make one last stop before taking me home. We went for a walk along the Han River. It was relaxing and the view of the sky was beautiful over the water. He held my hand, and when he felt me shiver, he gave me his sweater. When we finally returned to the SUV, he brought me home, a few minutes before 2 am. He walked me to the door and kissed me goodnight before I went inside and he went back to his dorm.
"So, how was your first official date?" Appa asked, with Kookie, Hobi, Taehyung, and Jimin at his sides.
"It was... great," I said to them. "After we went out to dinner, we went for ice cream, then went on a hike to look at the city, then for a walk by the Han River before we came home," I told them.
"You went on a hike?!" Appa asked, overreacting.
"Relax, Appa, I'm fine. I would've stopped him if I felt like it was too much," I reassured him. "It was fun. The view of the city was beautiful, and we talked for a while. He gave me some things to really think about."
"Like what, Ryu-ah?" Taehyung asked.
"The fact that maybe I shouldn't be so self-conscious about my transplant scar," I replied. "He told me without it, there's no way to know if I would've survived the plane crash long enough to still be alive today."
"You wouldn't have," Appa said to me.
"What?" I asked.
"Kookie pushed me to sign for your transplant because I was overwhelmed and Yoongi pushed the doctor to accept my signature even though a teenager pushed me to sign because Kookie just kept me from delaying what I would have done anyway, but they told me you were starting to show signs of distress, Ryu-ah. You had been unconscious for three months after the accident. You had healed, but still weren't waking up. They realized the best option for you was a heart transplant," Appa started explaining to me.
"Your Appa was in shock after they explained you needed the transplant. He started worrying about the possibility of you surviving the surgery, whether or not you had enough time for them to find you a heart. He was too overwhelmed to make a decision when they told him they waited to tell him you needed the transplant until they already had a heart for you on its way," Kookie continued. "That's why I shoved the clipboard into his hands and told him to sign. When the doctor tried to argue Jin-hyung signed because I pushed it, Yoongi made her accept it."
"We all had a chance to see you before you went into surgery, Ryu-ah," Jimin said. "They called us and we came down to the hospital. It was the first time that Jin-hyung took Hwan from you for more than an hour the entire time you'd been in the hospital. Kookie had brought Hwan to the hospital for you when the rest of us caught up to Jin-hyung and Yoongi-hyung. Jin-hyung clung to it until we got news about you."
"Which seemed like days later," Hobi continued. "You had been out of surgery for a few hours before they notified anyone. They said that wanted to wait until you got more stable before they told Jin-hyung. I guess they were trying to keep him from a complete nervous collapse."
"It was the biggest decision I had had to make as your Appa, Ryu-ah. It was the first time that it hit me that you really were more than just my yeodongsaeng, but my ddal," Appa said. "And it terrified me. You were so tiny with all those wires attached to you. I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. It took all seven of us to raise you, Ryu-ah. The other six members of BTS made sure anything I hadn't done for you was taken care of."
"Which is why Taehyung is the one who taught me about my period and had the sex talk with me?" I asked.
"He and Hobi are the ones with sisters. He had a younger sister, it was less awkward for him," Jimin said. "Jin-hyung was prepared for a lot of things, but not you reaching puberty."
"Well, don't worry, guys. Taehyung's talk with me has not been relevant to me, I promise."
Appa let out a breath, obviously relieved that I had just admitted I was still a virgin.
"But with everything you just told me about the night Appa made the decision to do the heart transplant for me, it makes me realize, I should be proud of the scar. Changbin is right, it's another mark that shows my journey to who I am now and without it, I wouldn't be here."
"What else did he say that made you think?" Hobi asked.
"He made me realize that he is the only one in my life who has cared about me, in any way, since the transplant who supports me living my life to the fullest without lecturing me about how scared they are of the things I do. He said in his opinion, there's no need to keep lecturing me. In all these years since my transplant, the number of times I have had an issue where I've needed my emergency medications or to be rushed to the hospital can be counted on one hand. Everyone around me knows how to help me in case of an emergency, yet it's been no more than a few times since the transplant that an issue has happened that led to me needing the meds or having to go to the hospital. Two of those times were completely out of my hands because I couldn't control losing Jonghyun or getting kidnapped. So, Changbin feels if after all these years I have had so few incidents, I obviously know when to stop and believes that as I'm the only one who can feel something wrong in my heart, I'm the only one who can really say if I'm going too far."
"What about that time in school?" Appa started.
"That was a one-time occurrence and my symptoms showed in reverse," I pointed out. "Plus, it showed my friends recognize signs of distress in me and know how to handle it as much as I do."
"Changbin does kinda have a point," Kookie agreed with me. "We can be as cautious as we want with Ryu-ah, but only she knows if her heart is okay. She's been old enough to tell us that for a while and we need to trust her to do that. We've all seen the signs of her going into distress in case of an emergency, but it's time Ryu-ah be allowed to take the lead in her day to day medical care. Obviously, I don't mean as far as doctors' visits, those should still be our responsibility to take her and make medical decisions. But she should be allowed to be trusted to take her daily medications, live her life, and take her emergency medications if needed."
"I agree with you, Kookie," Appa said, making all of us look at him in shock. "I was speaking to Yoongi about this while you went to let her know about Changbin. I'm going to start living her life without me checking up on every little detail. However, Ryu-ah, if you end up needing your emergency medications, I want you to call me and have whoever you are with take you to the hospital. I won't compromise on care for your heart. Other than that, I will give you your freedom, just please check in with me at least once a day so I know that you're okay?"
"Yes, Appa!" I said, excitedly.
"Go. Wash up for bed. You've had a long day today. Tomorrow we're going to the theater, just the two of us, alright?" he asked.
"I'd like that, Appa," I replied, heading to my room.
Appa is giving my freedom. No more micromanaging my life. I texted Changbin.
What changed his mind?
Apparently Kookie and Yoongi both told him I need the freedom to be trusted to live my life without him hovering, I replied.
Congratulations. Are you happy?
Thrilled. But also, kinda in shock about something.
What?
Appa and Kookie told me that if I hadn't had the heart surgery, I wouldn't have survived this long.
Seriously?
Yeah. They said the doctors told him that I was starting to become unstable being unconscious after the crash for 3 months.
I love your scar even more now.
I guess I do too.
You should get some rest, Ryu-ah.
I'm going to. I just wanted to tell you what I learned.
Now wash up and go to bed.
I will. You do the same.
I stopped texting Changbin and got ready for bed. Yoongi came in before I shut off my lights.
"I heard you had a good date," he said kind of awkwardly as he came and sat beside me on the bed. "I also heard you heard the night you had your transplant. Are you okay, Kid?"
I stopped to think for a minute.
"Yeah, Oppa. I am. It shocked me that I was as bad as I was when I had the transplant, but I'm okay," I told him. "It just makes me hate my scar that much less."
"You're becoming less of my spunky little Ryu-ah and more of a beautiful, strong, young woman," he said to me. "It's hard to let you start acting more and more grown up, Ryu-ah. I'm sorry if it's come across as me being harsh on you. It's hard to let go of my spunky little student."
"Yoongi-oppa, I'm always going to be your student. You have so much to teach me and I want to learn as much as you're willing to teach me," I started. "As far as the rest, I may be growing up, but I'm still as spunky as ever. I just can't keep living in the bubble I lived in for so many years after the transplant. I need to grow and the bubble is going to stop that. I know you don't want anything to hurt me, but I know you're scared of the things that can happen by letting me go. Just know, I will never do something intentionally, to risk my life. I just want to live it."
He hugged me.
"You're so mature, Ryu-ah. You always have been. I'm sorry I was mad that you worked on the song for Kris without me," he said. "Show me your producing set-up on your laptop and play the song for me?"
I jumped up and grabbed the laptop. I showed him my set-up and he was impressed that Changbin got some of the best programs out there.
"Where's the equipment to work with these programs?" he asked me.
"Locked in a closet in your studio," I told him, knowing he wouldn't be rushing straight back into the studio when he came back. "I can show them to you in a few days. I'm going out with Appa tomorrow."
He nodded. I played what I had worked on when I was in Beijing first, so he knew where I was working from. Then I played the completed song.
"Kris and I had at least seven collaboration sessions before I finalized the song," I told him when it finished.
Yoongi sat quietly for a minute.
"It's a solid song, Ryu-ah," he said to me. "Everything was mixed just right to emphasize Kris' voice at the right times and the instruments at others. The sound is beautiful."
It was my turn to sit quietly for a minute. I knew Yoongi wouldn't say something just to bullshit me.
"Gomawo, Oppa," was all I could say.
"Changbin brought out the right musical ear in you for this piece. And you can tell him as much," he said. "I'm proud of you for this song, Ryu-ah. It shows me that you are picking up on a lot more than even I realized. I'm impressed. It's not easy to get something by me without me realizing."
"I guess even though I'm as close to Kookie as I am to you, you were always working on some kind of music with me," I started. "In the hospital, when you taught me, you were always working on something. Everyone knew I learned how to cook by observing those of you who cook. I guess I picked up more than that and never really thought about it."
"Well, it would explain why you excel at everything you put your mind to," he said, laughing.
"Determination to succeed is definitely something I've seen from all of you," I replied, laughing. "But I learned that on my own. The plane crash taught me I needed to succeed even when everyone tells me I'll fail. Whether it was doctors saying my chance of survival were almost non-existent, teachers or classmates who treat me as porcelain dolls or as their punching bags, believing that I'm incapable of doing things. One thing I became determined to do from the time I woke up after the transplant was not to let anything hold me back."
"I'm proud of you for finally telling your father," Yoongi told me. "You've told me and Kookie countless times over the years and, yeah, you've mentioned it to Jin, but you've never been firm about it. Since you've insisted on going to a normal high school, you have and I couldn't be more proud of you."
"Promise me you'll always be here for me?
"Of course I will, Ryu-ah," he replied. "Where did that come from?"
"I don't know. I brought up Jonghyun earlier when I was talking to the others. And you have such severe anxiety... I guess I subconsciously got scared and needed the reassurance."
"Ryu-ah, I won't speak badly of Jonghyun because I know he felt like he had no other choice," Yoongi started. "But I have a large support system now. When I need to talk, I do. If I can't get myself to speak, I write songs. One way or another, I find a way to express myself. Every last member of BTS has ways of expressing themselves in case we can't bring ourselves to speak. So you don't have to worry about that with any of us."
"Thank you, for telling me that, Oppa," I told him. "I guess I'm still dealing with my abandonment issues."
"It's okay. As long as you have an outlet," he said.
"I have plenty of outlets," I said to him. "The problem is choosing."
"There are things you don't use any of your outlets to deal with, Ryu-ah," Yoongi called me on.
"I'm not going to argue," I replied.
"So, what are we going to do about those? Those are the issues that risk putting you in the hospital randomly because the stress overwhelms your subconsciousness," he said.
"I don't know, Oppa."
"I've taught you the piano, guitar, and how to produce music. Maybe I'll teach you how to write and compose a song next," he said. "It's one of the ways I deal with my stress and anxiety."
"That sounds fun, Oppa," I said, smiling, as I put my laptop away and got back onto my bed.
"Good," Yoongi said as he got up and tucked me in like he did when I was younger. "Sleep well, Ryu-ah. If the nightmares become too much for you tonight, come to my bed. Kookie has been running himself down. He needs to rest uninterrupted tonight. I'll comfort you back to sleep."
"Thank you, Oppa," I said as he got to my door, ready to turn out my lights. "You're always ready to protect me. I love you."
"I love you too, Ryu-ah," Yoongi said, before turning out the lights and leaving my room.