Sam said his surprise plans called for casual attire, so I threw on the same red sweater and jeans from earlier. He wouldn't give me any other hints as we trudged down the sidewalk toward downtown.
"Dinner?" I asked as we passed various restaurants.
"Are you hungry?" He teased.
"No," I admitted. "Drinks?"
"Lil, you don't drink," he said, shaking his head at me. "You'll see soon; just be patient."
I sighed and sunk into his side as we passed City Hall and continued past the big tree in Monument Square. We approached the Westin, and I looked up at the big red Eastland sign. Billy was probably already across the street at The State. As if on cue, I felt a buzzing in my chest at his nearing proximity. I wondered if he would feel it too, before shoving it down as a silly thought.
Sam slowed as we passed the theater. "We're here," he smiled down at me.
"Where?" I asked, looking around at the line.
"Here," he motioned his hands to the theater. "I thought you might like to see someone creating music in this century," he teased.
"Here, music, tonight," I sputtered.
"Yeah, it's Billy Collins. I figured you liked the one song; you may like others. It was just announced like a week and a half ago. I can't believe I even got tickets." He was lost in his own babble of excitement.
"So, we're going inside." I nodded. "To see Billy Collins."
"No, I figure we'd just loiter around outside," he teased, but it caused my mind to flicker back to Billy standing outside Geno's on that warm spring night.
"You're excited, right?" Sam had a hint of concern on his face.
"Yeah, of course," I lied.
It was going to be okay. I was sure the seats were tucked in somewhere that Billy wouldn't even see. It was going to be fine. Still, my feet nervously shuffled as we edged closer to the front of the line; the buzzing in my chest expanded to my arms and legs. We were about ten people back from the front when I heard my name, and my heart sunk into my stomach.
"Lil," Roger's booming voice soared above everyone else's. "Girl, why are you waiting in line in the cold?"
"Hey, Roger," my voice creaked.
"Come on; I'll bring you in the back. This old place is crazy." Roger, Billy's long-time security guard, babbled. "You can just tell when a place is haunted. I walked through a cold spot earlier, and you know it was someone. I don't know who, but it was someone."
Sam and I followed Roger as he continued to babble about ghosts like the old friend he was.
"How are you doing? Been a while since I've seen you around." He gave me a cheeky smile and eyed Sam.
"Yeah," I awkwardly stammered. "I was surprised to see you out front; I thought you were usually at the back door."
"Oh, I'm head of security now. I'm wherever the hell I want to be," he joked.
"Oh, congrats!" It was the first genuine moment I had in the conversation.
"Okay," he said, holding the door, "in you two go." He ushered us in the back door. "Have fun," he called after us before closing the door.
"So, I take it you've been here before," Sam teased.
It was an easy out that Roger was an employee of The State and not part of Billy's team; I was still okay. We'd make our way to our seats and then be fine. Still, my anxiety was rising at the mounting lies.
"I can't believe we're backstage. This is so cool," Sam laughed.
"We should probably find our seats." I tugged his arm towards the sound of the crowd.
"Why rush? It's so neat back here. Maybe we'll walk through a ghost, too."
That was my fear, the ghost of my boyfriends past. "I don't want to walk through a ghost, ew." I tried to sound normal, but I was getting edgier.
Then I heard it through all the other noise; the gruff, throaty laugh echoed from a nearby room.
"Babe, that's him." Sam's eyes sparkled with excitement.
"We should go; we don't want to bother him."
I tugged on Sam to pull him down the hall, but I banged right into a solid body as I turned. The familiar hands kept me upright.
"Lil?" Shock filled Billy's voice.
"Lil?" Sam echoed.
"Hi," I looked up at Billy.
"Hi," Billy said down to me.
In typical me fashion, I added, "hi," again.
As if on cue, Billy murmured, "too many hi's, Lil."
"Do you two know each other?" Sam was backing away, his arm slipping from my grasp.
"Sam, I can explain," I called after him.
Billy's hand fell to the small of my back as I spoke. It wasn't meant to be possessive, it was his instinct to soothe me, but Sam's eyes also landed there.
"Your ex, Billy, from Duluth," he stammered. "First class," Sam shook his head.
"Hey, Billy. I was thinking..." Tim came out behind Billy and quickly assessed the situation before adding, "oh, fuck."
"Tim, your good friend Tim is Tim fucking Denning. I had lunch with Tim fucking Denning." Sam's words were distant.
"The Fucking is a family name on my mother's side," Tim futility mumbled, garnering a shoulder slap from Billy.
"Sam, I just didn't think," I began, but I was cut off.
"You didn't think that maybe you should tell me that your ex was probably the most prolific rock star of the past decade?"
"It just didn't seem like my background to tell. That's his thing; I'm just a college student." I was pleading with Sam.
Billy's hand fell from me as I moved towards Sam. I couldn't get closer, though. With every step I took toward him, Sam backed two steps away.
"You acted like you didn't know his song." His voice was building with anger.
"She doesn't listen to my stuff, man," Billy offered as he closed the gap between him and me. It was like he knew his proximity was keeping me together. "She never has."
Sam looked at Billy with wide eyes. The mix of who Billy was, and the situation, made Sam's mouth open and close a few times wordlessly.
"She left you," Sam sputtered. "And now she's with me, an application trainer from Maine. Like I stand a chance."
"Sam, you don't need a chance. I'm with you. I love you."
A heavy breath came from Billy as though someone had punched him as I spoke.
"Hey, Sam; look," Tim stepped in. "Let's just go have a beer and settle a bit. Lil is good about our privacy; it's why we love her so much. She doesn't give a fuck about our work and isn't impressed by it. He was babbling in his disarming way. "She insists on calling me Timmy."
I thought Tim's plan would work for a moment, but just as I thought it had lulled Sam into Tim's affable demeanor, reality snapped back onto Sam's face.
"I gotta get out of here." Sam's head wildly shook back and forth.
"I'll go with you," I tried to move toward him.
"No," Sam's voice loudly shot, and I felt Billy's hand land protectively on the small of my back again.
"No," Sam said in a softer tone as his eyes again landed on Billy's hand touching my back. "I need to be alone." With one last look at Billy's hand, he swiveled and nearly ran from the venue.
"Lil," Billy's voice was soft.
"Tim," my voice was weak.
"I'm here, babe." Tim was right there in front of me; as his arms wrapped around me, Billy's hand slipped from the small of my back, and I could feel his departing proximity.
By the time I peeled myself away from Tim's chest, Billy was gone, and I was swiveling into Tess' shoulder.
"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry," she soothed. "Come on, let's go to the dressing room."
"I can't see..." I choked before I could say Billy's name.
"Don't worry, hun. He understands. He's making himself scarce," she promised.
The idea of 6 foot 4, Billy Collins making himself scarce at his own show, should have been enough to make me laugh, but he remained out of sight as the blare of the opening act banged on my skull. Tim and Tess huddled close to me, and Tim only made a few snotty tissue jokes at my blubbering.
"What am I going to do?" I finally managed after I'd controlled my sobs.
"Just give him time," Tess offered. "I'm sure he'll come to his senses. He's just in shock. It was a bit of a surprise, I'm sure."
"How did you end up here?" Tim couldn't control his curiosity.
"The show was his surprise, and then when we were in line, Roger saw me," I explained as I tried to clean myself up.
"Oh, Roger," Tim murmured to himself.
"Ugh, I need more tissues. Where's the bathroom?" I stood up, shaking off the last of my tears.
"To your left, second to the last door on the right," Tess offered. "You want me to come?"
"No, I can take care of my own snot." I weakly smiled.
I stood in the bathroom mirror, trying to wipe away the tracks of my mascara before giving up and washing all the makeup from my face. I didn't have anyone to impress anymore. As I was drying my face, I heard the faint sound of a piano through the rowdy beat of the opening band. I poked my head out of the bathroom door and foolishly followed the sound.
There was Billy in an old utility room. Places filled with discarded and forgotten items seemed to call to him; maybe that was why I was drawn to him.
"Hey," I said from the door.
He shyly met my gaze, as though looking at me might scare me away.
"Do you mind if I..." I motioned to the room.
"Of course," he sputtered. I'm sure he thought I might change my mind at any moment; I was pretty sure I might too.
He moved over on the bench as I approached, and I slid in next to him.
"I'm sorry, Lil."
"You have nothing to be sorry about." I sighed.
"I seem to make life harder for you," he offered as a reason for his apology. "I don't mean to," he added.
"I know." I sighed again, and with little thought, let my head fall to his shoulder. "Play something soft," I asked.
His hands flowed over the keys as his fingers skillfully played. It was a quiet song that I didn't recognize but felt like the musical equivalent of Billy; beautiful, soft, and tentative. My heart ached at how much I missed him and how his proximity settled something deep inside me, but then it throbbed harder at how much I already missed Sam. I leaned heavier into Billy. He stopped playing in response and just held me. I didn't cry; the tears were gone, but I needed Billy's strength at that moment.
"You'll be okay, Lil," he murmured before kissing the top of my head, "you're the strongest person I know. You'll be fine."
I slipped out of the venue as Billy took the stage. I promised Tess I'd call her in the morning, knowing I probably wouldn't keep it. As soon as I got to my place, I collapsed in my bed and fell asleep.