His hands trembled like flames blown in the wind as he grabbed all his belongings and stuffed them into the already overflowing backpack. Every single item weighed down on the bag – a weight he could even feel on his shoulders. Clothes, pictures, essentials, anything he could reach for in the time he gave himself, limited to what he thought he only needed. Every new item placed down only made him that much more determined to do this...that was until he really took a look at every little treasure and memory made from each one. Now this only seemed like a chore he needed to accomplish but yet the reward was blurred.
Katsuki glanced at a single picture, his movements stilling for a minute as he took a breath. All Might's words echoed like distant shadows in his mind, full of stupid fleeting thoughts of regret. Regret for what he was setting himself up to do. He wondered if All Might would try to stop him...would he even care? Katsuki shook his head; it didn't matter if they cared or not. This wasn't to get a reaction out of anybody. The whole reason he was doing this so late at night was to not draw attention to himself.
The sixteen year old boy let his quirk activate, igniting the picture he held and burning it to a crisp before he could change his mind. He needed to do this. He wasn't going to mess up now. Not now that everything had been perfectly planned out. He wasn't a coward. He wasn't...
The last of the items filled the backpack before he shut it closed. It wasn't a particularly large bag, small enough to not slow him down. That would be helpful and draw less attention from everyone else around him. But it did look less like he was simply going on vacation somewhere and more he was running away from home. Katsuki cringed at the words. He wasn't running away, that made him seem like a weakling, he was simply moving. Yeah, that's what it was.
Katsuki threw the rucksack over his shoulders, stepping out into the abandoned corridor and left his key card on the desk at the front of the dorm building. The air was cold, nipping at his cheeks as he walked, hood pulled low over his mess of blonde hair. Little puffs of smoke drew from his lips, his hands turning pink in response to the weather. As annoying as it was when he slowly began to shiver helplessly, he didn't mind it. It gave him something to focus his attention on rather than the impending inclination of regret and an overwhelming sadness. But he would never admit to either because he isn't weak. It's just he's never run away before, with any real plan at least, and he felt a little lonely already.
But what could he do? Turn away after everything he promised to himself. Did he need to be reminded for the hundredth time?
All Might.
He was doing this for All Might. To protect and save his role model. The only person Katsuki could openly try to admit he looked up to all his life. After the villain attack at the training camp and seeing what his hero had become because ofhim Katsuki knew he couldn't stay. Not only was he a danger to All Might, he was a danger to the rest of the class. He's a magnet for destruction, a grenade ready to detonate at any minute and it was his responsibility to minimise the casualties. That's what he's been doing the whole of his life. He just managed to slip up this one time. Especially when he revealed it all to Deku as well.
He didn't mean for that bit to happen, it just slipped from his mouth. Some buried instinct must have needed Katsuki to open up about it to someone, it just so happened that the first person he saw was Izuku.
Katsuki sighed heavily, his breath turning white. He took a risk and glanced back over his shoulder. Mainly to ensure no-one was following him but with the view of the U.A. dorms anyway he decided to pay one last look at it all. It's only been a few weeks since they even moved in there so he can't really say he's going to miss it. The people though...maybe.
Meanwhile Izuku was sleeping soundly up in his room exploding with All Might merchandise, unaware that he wouldn't get to see Katsuki for another six long years.
~
The blonde jumped awake. It took him several minutes to register his surroundings before remembering he was no longer running away from Japan but rather in it. He took a long and calming breath as an air of serenity fell upon him as he basked in the dawn glowing sun. His eyes slowly adjusted to the bright light as he was greeted with the sleeping face of Deku right beside him. The pillow wall construction Katsuki had attempted to create the night prior had firstly collapsed and secondly not fulfilled its job correctly as it was in pieces all over the bed. On top of that Katsuki found that if anything it had brought them closer together, not further apart.
Izuku had managed to survive a night not plagued with nightmares, and when Katsuki thought about he had experienced the same. So it made little sense to have had found their legs tangled together under the sheets. If the gesture wasn't embarrassing enough, Izuku was close enough for Katsuki to feel him breathe. Disgusted, is what Katsuki would label what he thought he felt, the blonde attempted to move away without waking the other.
He seemed pretty peaceful. His cheek squashed into the pillow, eyes closed, lips parted, face soft and gentle. Katsuki had to admit that he seemed to look a lot more like when he was sixteen in the current moment. He looked so young, so innocent, so unaware of what they were getting themselves into when they signed up for this job. Katsuki wondered if Izuku had ever seen death before. The thought simply crossed his mind without hesitation but still he couldn't but ponder it. He wanted to know if Izuku had gone through similar things he did. If he could relate to the destruction of the battlefields. If he knew what it felt like to fail and see lives lost because of actions that were only his own.
"Hm..." The greenette sighed beside Bakugo, startling him slightly but also bringing him back down to reality. His eyes fluttered open and Katsuki froze, unsure of how he'd react to finding the other sleeping next to him once again.
Last night he had been so exhausted after their attempt at training he had just collapsed into bed. Katsuki being the nice person he was, when no-one was looking usually, had to cover the shorter to stop him freezing in the night. And seeing as the bed was comfortable and walking a couple metres was far too much effort at three in the morning, Katsuki joined. He figured it would probably happen either way, if Izuku had another nightmare again.
Midoriya stifled a yawn as he stretched his limbs, Katsuki remaining frozen out of curiosity as he watched Izuku's faded emerald eyes scan over where the blonde was. He wondered just how much he could tell just by sensing him. Could he tell if Katsuki was awake now?
Izuku's gaze didn't waver, seemingly neither surprised nor shocked at the fact that Katsuki was in his bed. He cuddled closer to the sprawled blankets, prodding Katsuki gently to see if he was awake yet.
"Ouch," he frowned.
"Oh you are awake," Izuku acknowledged.
"Yeah doesn't mean you have to poke me."
"I couldn't tell if you were asleep..."
"Whatever dumbass," Katsuki exhaled, sitting up and discarding the sheets.
Izuku's eyes narrowed for a moment. "Did something happen?"
"No, why would you think that?"
"You sound a little...shaken," Izuku explained in a soft tone that made Katsuki sick because he knew the other was definitely pitying him.
He felt an angry retort build up in the back of his throat but before he could even attempt to formulate the words, an entirely different emotion washed over him. Suddenly he felt like he was living in the current moment he had just dreamed about – a scared, alone sixteen year old kid. Lost in the giant world. Still trying to find his place. Still trying to find out who he was.
Shame filled him as he realised there were tears, actual tears building in his eyes. Katsuki leapt out of bed, wiping them away in disgust, a flood of anger following and the abrupt need to punch a wall.
Izuku sensed how quickly he moved away. And knowing the other, he was definitely trying to avoid having to tell the truth to Izuku. He could understand that he himself had fought to keep things from Katsuki, not needing him to get mixed in with all his problems. Only for Katsuki to show him that staying silent hurts more than crying.
"Kacchan—"
"Leave me alone."
Despite trying to keep the wobble in his voice disguised, it came out very clearly to Izuku.
"What happened? Did you have a nightmare or something?"
Katsuki glared at the other boy approaching him. "Nightmares? I'm not a little kid anymore."
"Yes I can see that. That's not what I'm trying to say. Everybody gets nightmares. Heroes too. The bad kind of nightmares: full of all the awful things you have to see as a pro. Full of every mistake you ever make."
Katsuki remained silent, his full attention devoted to Izuku after what he said.
Midoriya noticed the gesture and joined Katsuki who had sat back down. He figured opening up to him was hard for the blonde and the last thing he wanted was to make that worse.
"Before I become the number one pro, when I had finished high school not too long ago I made a lot of mistakes. But All Might told me that sometimes these things happen. There will be times you won't be able to save everybody. Yet still, the very thought of having to go through that terrified me and I'd always train harder to ensure that would never happen. But even then it wasn't enough. I still remember it clear as day, about three years ago. The first time I had ever failed to save everyone. It hit really hard. I felt like I couldn't even breathe the moment I knew that I wouldn't be able to save him."
Izuku took a shaky breath, grabbing tightly at the bedding beneath him.
"What was his name?"
Izuku glanced up as Katsuki spoke for the first time after a long silence.
"Kota."
Katsuki nodded slowly. He felt an inclination of understanding, because Izuku wasn't the only one unable to save every civilian out there.
"Eri," he said.
"What?" Izuku asked, not comprehending what Katsuki was saying.
"The first person I knew I couldn't save. When it finally kicked in just how cold and horrible everything could be. Her name was Eri. She was just a kid too. We were in a burning building and I couldn't get to her in time. I told her to jump, that it'd all be okay and I would catch her. But she seemed to have already accepted the fate she thought she had to. She told me it was okay. That I had to save the countless others trapped in the building and leave her be. She knew it would have been too difficult. And I...I could have done it. I could have gotten her out of there. Used my quirk or something. But I could have hurt her or caused more damage than already done."
Katsuki sat still for several minutes after having opened up to Deku. His hands trembled, his knee bouncing as he pictured the memory clear as day. A burning lump built up in the back of his throat as he fought against the threat of tears. He glanced up at Izuku not quite knowing what to expect in terms of the reaction he'd receive.
"I didn't just disappear six years ago either," Katsuki continued, unable to stop himself revealing more but wanting to, simultaneously. "I ran away. I ran away because I knew that if I didn't All Might's condition would only ever get worse. I don't care what you guys say, even it was inevitable, I still made it worse for him. And me wanting to be a hero...the last thing I wanted was to hurt anymore people and put everyone in danger. I already did that when the stupid villains came to attack the class, looking for me. The only way you would all be safe would be if I stayed away."
"Kacchan," Izuku whispered. He had absolutely no idea that that was the sole purpose and reason for the other's disappearance all that time. "That wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry that you put that burden on yourself."
Katsuki nodded slowly in return, unable to meet the other's gaze. He was stunned by the level of care and sympathy in Izuku's voice.
Midoriya turned back, pushing something soft into Bakugo's arms. A pillow.
"Hug this. It'll make you feel less like shit."
The blonde cracked a little smile at the gesture, appreciating it, though he wouldn't openly admit.
Izuku didn't say a word for the duration of the next passing minutes. Just allowed Katsuki to process his feelings, offering silent support if he'd need it.
He soon cleared his throat, trying to erase everything that had happened in the last moments for the fear Izuku would judge and dwell on it. Surprisingly the greenette simply smiled in return.
"Get ready. I want to show you something," he told him before ushering the other out of his room.
Katsuki raised an eyebrow at the closed door but nonetheless cooperated. He returned to the kitchen within fifteen minutes, seeing Izuku waiting and stood at the door. He didn't elaborate further no matter how many times Katsuki asked to the point he decided to just follow patiently. They walked rather than drove, giving Izuku the freedom to lead wherever he wanted to take Katsuki, the golden sun dripping down the old apartment buildings they passed. Soon enough the layout and streets and houses began to look familiar to him, even after so many years away. Because how could he forget his first home.
"It looks so different now," Katsuki spoke, approaching the run down park near their old homes which had been the route of all their first adventures as children. The place they first met, first became childhood friends only to drift slowly apart as they progressed on with their lives. The blonde winced at the memory, sat down on the rustic swing set as he could almost see the ghosts of the people they once were running around without a care in the world.
Katsuki had never meant for them to part the way they did. With him only pushing Izuku further and further away when all he wanted was to stay by his side forever. Just like they promised when they were four. Izuku could never understand what it was exactly that changed what they had, and Katsuki hadn't planned on telling him. He knew it would only bring Izuku closer to him with a determination to make sure the worst could never happen.
In truth, Katsuki pushed him away, just like everybody else because he knew that when his quirk first manifested and when they both watched their role model All Might fighting for the first time that he wanted to be a pro hero too. But that job is risky and dangerous and every weakness could be exploited by the villains they'd have to face.
At that given time, Izuku was Katsuki's biggest weakness. To some degree he still is.
The last thing he'd ever want is to put the other in danger. In harms way. Or at risk of pain or even death. And then Katsuki found out that Izuku was quirkless, only further strengthening his need to keep him away because without one Izuku could never properly defend himself if he got too close to Katsuki. Soon enough without ever meaning to, as Katsuki grew older, his methods of keeping Izuku away became harsher, more desperate. Because at every opportunity Izuku was trying to convince Katsuki that he didn't need to do this. Every time Izuku would do so, Katsuki would almost break and forget about his duty to keep the other safe, when all he wanted as well was to stay by his side forever.
But in the end all he did was manage to destroy their friendship, one that meant more to him than he ever realised.
"Yeah," Izuku said, sitting beside Katsuki who was torn from his reverie. "I used to come here all the time after you left."
Katsuki turned to him with furrowed brows. "Why?"
"I'm not sure," he shrugged. "It's stupid but I thought that if I came here often enough maybe you'd miraculously show up...?"
"You really missed me that much?" It was meant to come out as a light hearted joke but at the same time, Katsuki felt brought back to the last message Izuku had sent to him while he'd been away.
"Yeah...I did."
Katsuki blinked. Strange how it almost felt like his heart skipped a beat just then.