theo, blaise, and daphne assist in cleaning the bathroom. it doesn't take long with spells and all that, so it's only a few minutes before we're all standing around each other, wondering, what now?
"malfoy should get rest." daphne finally says. "i can get him dreamless sleep, got some stashed away— it'd be best to skip at least first period tomorrow, don't know if you have that free—"
"i don't." draco says flatly, "but that's no matter."
now that he's calmed down, he's back to his usual, fairly emotionless self. he's standing next to me still, hands tucked behind his back and expression straight, only moving to face whoever's talking.
i protest slightly in my head, knowing he's missed more classes than it's worth— but i reluctantly nod in agreement. daphne definitely has the best medical advice out of all of us (madam pomfrey teaches extra lessons, for those who want to be healers), so it's best to listen to her proposal.
"right." daphne nods. "i'll be back in a minute with the potion—" she begins explaining as she walks toward the door, "i'll have to watch you take it, of course, to make sure there's no issues in the reaction— it should be fine—"
"oh, well, i don't sleep in here." draco says, getting daphne to stop in her tracks and look back at him, brow furrowed. both theo and blaise are attempted to hold in smiles and laughs, looking at each other knowingly. daphne eyes fall onto me, and i immediately flush bright red.
"if you two have been shagging in the bed next to mine—"
"no!" i exclaim, already seeing the anger rising in her face and needing to get ahead of it. "we sleep in the room of requirement." her face just grows more confused. i groan, "remember after blaise's birthday, i told you.."
i trail off. obviously, everyone in this room knows what happened after blaise's birthday, but having a group discussion about it seems far less than ideal.
"there's a bed in there now." theo offers, saving me. "because that's where they sleep."
"yes." i nod, smiling gratefully. i look at draco quickly, noticing him still neutral and slightly shell-shocked. i wonder what's running through his mind, if he's still anxious or angry from our fight earlier. he doesn't seem affected by the panic, at least. his ability to hold a mask over his face makes it increasingly difficult to decipher his emotions.
but, he still wants to come back up our room, which is a good sign.
unless he just wants to fight some more.
i pray the dreamless sleep potion is fast-acting, because i don't want to find out.
"right, okay." daphne develops a small smirk, eyes flicking between draco and i. "isn't that on the seventh floor—? you know, i'll just give it to you down here, should last the way up. no way i'm walking 14 flights back and forth—"
"i've taken it before, i don't need assistance." draco says, sounding rather bored. he hardly even thanked any of us for helping him through the whole ordeal. typical, typical, typical.
daphne just gives him a nod and heads out of the room, saying she'll meet us in the common room on our way out.
"she's a good addition." blaise says thoughtfully, watching the door shut. "she should become a healer."
"she is. she takes lessons here," i say, giving him a funny look.
"she does?" all three of the boys exclaim at the same time, turning to look at me.
i sigh loudly, brushing my hands through my messed hair and scoffing at how oblivious boys can be.
"tuesday nights, for the past year?" i look at them with my eyes wide, hardly believing they could have missed that. they all shrug, looking between each other in confusion. i mutter, "useless," with a shake of my head, and then head to meet daphne in the common room.
draco says he needs a minute to speak with theo and blaise, so i leave him be.
daphne's already waiting on the couch with the vial when i arrive, and i slump down next to her with my head on her shoulder, taking a much needed deep breath. she passes me the vial lightly, whispering the affects and the dosage as she places it in my hand.
"i've wanted to tell you so badly," i say eventually, pinching my eyes shut. there was so many times that i couldn't fully explain things to her, and had to skirt around the truth. i suggested telling her once, months ago, back in october. draco had shut it down immediately. he said the less people, the better.
a fair point, but it seems to be getting harder and harder to contain as the days go on.
"i know." daphne nods solemnly, patting my hand. "i understand why you couldn't."
"remember when you accused him of cheating?" i chuckle softly, thinking back to that day that feels like an eternity ago. "that was when he told me."
"really?" daphne laughs. "it took him cursing someone to let you in?"
"yep." i sigh, "is it really surprising?"
"no." she sighs too, leaning her head over mine.
"he didn't mean to curse katie..." i say, even softer. "there's still more to it that he hasn't— i don't know if he wants you to know."
"do blaise and theo know everything?"
"theo always has, he lived at malfoy manor over the summer so— there's was no way to really hide it from him." i shrug, and daphne nods. "blaise found out about the mark because i made draco tell him, he had approached me with his.... he was worried about draco not being in their dorm." i clear my throat, shaking off the dark thoughts blaise explained that night. "but it was a bit before he knew all of the specific, and i think draco only spilled because he was plastered."
"how very draco malfoy of him."
"yes," i laugh, "very much so."
i tap my finger against the vial she's given me, sitting up and looking over my shoulder to the boys stair, still nothing.
"how about pansy?" i say, looking back at daphne. "is she....?"
"none the wiser." daphne smiles, "too consumed with nott and school to think about much else." she laughs softly, looking back at the girls stair. "you hid the whole sleeping somewhere else thing immaculately, i must say."
"i've hardly been sleeping." i roll my eyes, "got to wait until you all fall asleep to sneak up there, and then wake up at the crack of dawn to get back before you wake up."
she shakes her head in disapproval, pursing her lips. "well, there'll be no more of that. i'll cover for you, with pansy. make sure she doesn't think about it."
"thank you—" i start quietly, looking back at her with a smile.
"ready?" a voice from behind me signals that draco's done with whatever he wanted to speak to them about. i turn to look back at him, standing at the end of the stairs with a small frown on his face, but otherwise looking quiet alright— if a bit run down.
"yep!" i say, smiling over at him to try and ease whatever residual tension there is from earlier. i stand, hugging and thanking daphne again before following draco towards the door. once out in the hall, i hold the potion out toward him. i keep my voice relatively low, and calming, trying to be as attentive as possible to avoid any other mishaps. "daphne said it will take thirty minutes for it to set in, so you could take it now if you like, or—"
"i don't particularly want to sleep." he cuts me off, squaring his shoulders off in front of me so he can stare down at me as we speak.
"okay.... well, medically it's advisable—"
"let's go for a walk." he interrupts again, smirking and turning on his heel.
"oh, draco, we really shouldn't—" i look around the hallway anxiously. god knows what time it is by now, likely past 2 o'clock. even if we were still attending our rounds and not just faking the reports, we would have been well and done with our shift by now.
besides, i'm in pajamas, and he's clearly unstable. or just insane. both are unsettlingly likely.
"we used to sneak about all the time!" he protests, still walking ahead down the hall. i have to follow along behind him, if just to keep an eye on him to ensure he does nothing too stupid.
"that was before—"
"what? before i was a crying, raging lunatic?" his eyebrow raises as he turns back to me.
"you aren't a lunatic, draco—"
"aren't i, though?" he almost frowns now, fighting to keep his carefully crafted mask intact. "i don't even know what i was yelling at you about before. i can't remember. it was probably pointless."
yes, yes it was pointless. i think to myself, but continue to engage with his eyes as he speaks, keeping my mouth shut right.
"i couldn't remember daphne! i've known her for nearly five years and it just slipped away. i hadn't even pushed memories of her out during break." he shakes his head, staring back down the hall, away from me. "i've lost control of it all. all the stress and—" he pauses for a second, seeming to hesitate and consider how much he wants to tell me. he continues walking, leaving his sentence unfinished.
"and what?" i whisper. if i say it quiet enough, he can just pretend he didn't hear me if he doesn't want to answer.
his footsteps stop abruptly. clearly not pretending to have missed the question, then.
"i believe my brain has become a tad fragmented," he says in a cool tone. professional. as if he's assessing someone else's condition, disassociating it from himself. "due to repetitive attacks from a leglimens, and continual..." he searches for a word. i see him flinch as he realizes there's no other way to describe it, "torture." he finally chokes out after a couple seconds. the word is followed be a short gasp, his head hanging forward before he collects himself and looks ahead again— regaining his aristocratic composure. "it seems as though the body can only sustain itself like that for so long, before ones abilities begin to deteriorate. as a natural occlumens, i suppose it isn't surprising that my brain cannot continue to compartmentalize upon my wishes. it's doing it on it's own now, due to suffering severe and repeated trauma. i think it's siphoning off some of my worst or more upsetting memories— or at least burying them deep enough so i have to work to draw them out. its a common survival tactic, something i should have expected. my fight with you set off a panic attack, so my brain deduced that it was not a beneficial memory, and hid it away. in an effort to save my sanity."
my brain sifts through this new information quickly, deciding what's best to tackle first.
probably the mention of torture. that would be good to get out of the way.
i struggle to think of how to approach it. do i move closer? he flinched away earlier, as i attempted to comfort him in the hall... but he seemed fine in bed and after the panic attack.
i ultimately decide to try it, and take a few cautious steps to his side before lightly brushing my hand against his upper arm.
"draco?" i say quietly.
"hm?" he hums, moving to look down at me. his eyes are vague and far off, likely having been thinking of something else as he relayed everything to me. theo said occlumens can do that, multitask in their brain. think of one thing while saying another.
"what exactly... happened? at the manor?"
i regret it almost the second i ask, seeing his face tense and feeling his muscle tick under my hand. but, he doesn't shrug me away. in fact, although he looks forward, he leans into me slightly.
i exhale quietly, waiting for any indication of whether he'll respond.
it feels like forever, but he finally dips his head in a nod, and swipes his head around the hall.
"our room." he says simply. he then glares at the wall, where a framed man holding a flute is watching us intently. "can't trust fucking portraits."
he swiftly takes my hand and practically drags me down the hall, making his way with purpose towards and then up the stairs.
__________________________
⚠️ TW: another sad moment
- draco talks about his treatment at the manor
- tortured by voldy/bellatrix. it's vaguely explained, tried not to do too much detail bc ik it could be a lot. essentially, he talks ab being in pain, things he had to see, and things people did to him.
- he cries again. be prepared
in our room, he starts towards the bed, and then reconsiders and finds himself on the couch. he sits slowly, cautiously, like he might break if he moves too fast.
i follow in a similar fashion, awkwardly taking my place beside him. he stares straight ahead, eyes focused on a particular point in the wall. he hardly moves, jaw set and hands gripping his thighs tightly.
after he doesn't speak for a couple minutes, i wonder if i'm meant to ask him again.
he takes a sharp inhale next to me, and then sighs.
"okay, i remember."
i turn my head to him, watching his lip tremble for a second before he settles it.
"i had to search for a bit, i blocked almost the whole week out during the hysteria upstairs."
he tells the story calmly, keeping his eyes forward and his tone flat and even. once again, like it isn't his story to tell. occlumency is terrifying to watch. the vague expression, the hard features, the pure lack of feeling as he speaks.
he hasn't even started talking and i already feel weak.
he tells me of being brought before voldemort, and having his mind searched. having his memory torn through painfully until it felt as though his brain might split. he says voldemort is more ruthless than other leglimens. some work through your mind with a fine tooth comb, sorting and searching calmly.
voldemort drives in like a sword, slashing through your brain until it feels like there's nothing left.
he talks of the days afterwards where he could barely move without his head pounding, or nearly losing all of the food he had struggled to eat that day.
by the end of that saga, my eyes are already pricked with tears. i bend my knees to curl my legs beside me, turning towards him and lightly resting my hand on his shoulder.
he registers it, snapping out of his trance for a second and taking a long, deep breath. his head hangs as he sucks in air, violently pinching his eyes closed.
"draco—"
"there's more." he says hoarsely, shaking his head and straightening himself back up again, shrugging my hand onto the couch. with another deep breath, he closes his eyes.
they reappear blank, and he continues.
this story focuses on bellatrix. of her 'training' session with him in the basement. she made him try every unforgivable. they have prisoners there now, he says he was fortunate she let him stick to rats.
draco says his inability to torture the prisoners did not mean it didn't occur. he says often, part of his punishment from bellatrix was being forced to watch her. look on as the young men and women screamed in agony at his aunt's hand.
if he showed emotion, any sign of being affected by the brutal things she did to these people— he was tortured as well.
she tortured him. her own nephew. everytime he failed.
cruciatis, mainly. he almost smirks when he says he withstood it for five minutes once.
i don't find that something to brag about.
he speaks of staying up night after night, watching his mother's door. of the leering men that fought to fill the void of lucius's absence. of the things draco was willing to do to them if they ever tried.
he says he broke one night, sobbed into his pillow and allowed himself to think of me. the tears finally fall from my eyes, and i have to cover my mouth tightly to not make noise and distract him.
he hardly takes a breath through out it all, moving from one story to the next fluidly as though now that he's started, he can't stop.
the process is cathartic for him. he's kept it all bottled up for too long.
i feel sick by the end of the retelling. even draco looks a bit paler.
when he comes out of the trance again, he immediately cracks, resting his head into the palms of his hands and beginning to cry. to cry, and cry, and cry, until i wonder how he can possibly have any more tears left. i see that his fingers tremble now. i doubt they had anyone heal him for the after-effects of crucio. absolute, bloody bastards.
"draco, can i—"
"please." he whimpers, nudging his body closer to mine lazily, shoulders heaving up and down as he tries to control himself.
instinctually, i wrap my arms around him, pulling him to my chest. he leans his whole weight into me, his body rising and falling heavily with each ragged breath.
it's different, then upstairs. he's crying, but he's still in control. he isn't panicking— he's just sad.
i press a kiss onto the top of his head, running my hands back and forth as i continue to embrace him. he calms slowly, each breath getting lighter as the time passes, his sobs starting to silence. it all eventually comes to an end, until he's just shaking slightly in my arms.
he straightens his neck with a heavy sigh, and i let my grip loosen as he moves to face me. he stretches an arm across the back of the couch, leaning against it as his bloodshot eyes skim over my face.
his hand by my waist lifts slowly, finding my cheek and brushing away a tear that managed to escape. i return the favor, holding his head in my hands and swiping my thumbs across his tear-stained skin.
a soft smile appears on his lips and he rests his head into the palm of my hand, sinking into my touch. welcoming it.
he turns his head ever so slightly, and plants a light kiss against my skin.
"if i could get this mark off, i would." he whispers, his lips still brushing against my hand. "you know that. i'd do it in a heartbeat."
i nod, beginning to run my hands down and away.
he catches my wrist in his grasp, guiding one hand back to his cheek and leaning against it with shut eyes.
"if i could run now, i would. if i could guarantee mum was safe. if i could guarantee you were." he still speaks quietly, his voice hardly there from all of the events of tonight. "but, i can't. and the only other option is to do this— wholeheartedly commit myself to him."
he opens his eyes slowly, meeting mine pointedly before he meets my eyes again.
"don't mistake my compliance for willingness. i'm doing this out of necessity, not want. i would never choose this. for myself, or for you."
i don't let him say any more. i show him i understand by wrapping my arms around the back of his neck and pulling him close, burying my head against his shoulder to conceal my tears.
his hands hold strongly against my back, pressing my body flush to his. his thumbs trace back and forth lightly, and i forget who's supposed to be comforting who.
"i'm sorry, i—" i choke out through tears, realizing how selfish i'm being. "you've been through—"
"you're fine, y/l/n." he smiles weakly as i pull away. "it's my job to make sure you're okay, let me do it." he says sternly, his hands running up and down my arms.
"and it's my job to make sure you're okay— and i've been pretty shit at it," i say quietly, staring down at my lap to avoid his gaze. he sighs loudly, pulling me back to his chest.
"i've been shit about telling you the truth. let's call it even, shall we?"
i laugh slightly and nod into his shoulder, feeling his hand grace its way up my back to the nape of my neck, tangling into my hair.
he tilts my head back, angling my face to his.
"have i ever told you you look absolutely stunning like this? in all of my things?" he smirks, eyes gazing over me quickly.
i chuckle softly, rolling my eyes as i blush and stare back at him.
"multiple times." i raise my eyebrows, and he leans slightly closer.
"mm... well, it's still true," he says lowly, his smirk growing wider.
i lick my lips and close the distance, connecting my mouth with his. each kiss is slow, packed with desperation and passion. filled with weeks of longing and loss.
he pulls me so close i can barely breath between kisses, my chest pressed to his without an inch to spare.
the bed seems like a long ways away after hours upon hours of crying. we're both worn out, and slow snogging is all that can our bodies can manage. he leans back, taking me down with him and lying my body over his.
"i'm glad you're back," i whisper quietly, once we finally break apart and settle in. draco sits up slightly, leaning his head on the arm of the couch and letting his feet dangle off the edge.
his arm still wraps around my waist, keeping me close and pulling my head to rest on his lap.
"never went anywhere." he whispers, his fingers playing their way through my hair. "just hidden away."
i sigh, turning my head to him. "no need to hide around me anymore, okay?" i raise my brows, meeting my eyes with his.
he nods with a small smile before letting his head rest back onto a throw pillow. in minutes, his eyes are shut and it seems he's drifted off to sleep.
sadness is exhausting, and i think i sleep the best that night that i've slept in ages.
__________________________
sorry this is like.... lowkey sad again. sixth year is just sad lowkey. oops.
addressing the situation in the US:
- those were not protests at the capitol, those were acts of domestic terrorism. no other way to put it. let's not sugar coat the reality. it is absolutely appalling how they were treated vs how blm protesters were treated. peaceful. protesters. were. gassed. for. fighting. for. their. lives. domestic terrorists walked free, after storming our capitol. the situations are not comparable. they are not the same.
- the election was not fraudulent. there is no evidence. joe biden is our president-elect. it is confirmed. he will be inaugurated.
- fuck. donald. trump. good riddance.
i hope everyone is doing well, what with the tumultuous times we're living in. take care of yourselves <3 all the love.
(i hope i am posting at a convenient time lol. personally it is 11 pm for me, which i think is a pretty swag time for wattpad. i'm so sorry if you're in a different time zone and that this is released at horrible hours of the night or day.)
vote/comment/share