"Jeez Liam, are you okay?" She came up behind me as my head tipped deeper into the toilet bowl, puking up last nights dinner. It's become a routine for me now. Sleep. Nightmare. Vomit. Shower. Repeat.
In the days that followed after seeing him it made my nightmares more superior than ever. I woke up not knowing what was reality and what wasn't. At a time of uncertainty like this I really ought to be sleeping alone but I couldn't bare to be alone. So I just warned her not to touch me and trusted that she would listen. Instead she sat back feeling helpless to my struggle.
It was exhausting in so many ways.
"I'm fine." I told her, wiping my mouth with tissue and flushing it all away. It's really not an ideal situation to have an extremely attractive girl watching as you wake up drenched in a cold sweat, shaking with fear and then proceed to puke your guts up each and every night. Really turns down my turn on factor, hurts the ego.
At least now I feel a little more comfortable showering with her in the next room, I still keep the door open but I don't need her to sit in the bathroom with me like the first three times.
"That was a really bad one, huh?" I crawled back into bed after showering, my chest still constricted with my frantic breathing and I just nodded, unable to communicate any more words relating to my nightmare that I needed to desperately forget. I closed my eyes, focusing on the comforting smell of coconut and cocoa butter to aid me in drifting back off to sleep.
***
"Come, let's play soccer." Jordan barged into the room at first light bouncing the ball from knee to knee. I dragged my eyelids upwards, they felt heavy and were enclosed with bags thanks to the broken sleep. I pulled the duvet over my face hiding away from the intruding light.
"You're going to break something." I heard Olivia warn before a loud crash echoed around the room.
"Place is smashed to bits anyway." Jordan's voice said with maximum disinterest. "Get upppp!" He moaned again, dragging the syllables out like a whiny child.
The sun warmed my skin and it felt like the unfamiliar fuzzy feeling that warmed my heart. I watched my friends laugh together as they tackled the ball from one another, a little too viciously to be classed as a friendly match like originally planned but regardless of how brutal they were being I realized the love that they have for me.
It was an eye opening moment for me and I couldn't help but smile at Zak who ran around with his t.shirt pulled up over his head and his arms spread out like he was trying to take flight.
He looked an idiot.
Or even Ben who kept singing 'We Speak No Americano' and every now and again when he thought nobody was watching he would pull stupid dance moves because the song was clearly stuck in his head.
He was an idiot.
Or Jordan who was on the losing team and wasn't taking it very well. He stood with his hands on his hips shouting aggressively at every player, blaming them for his rubbish game.
He was the biggest idiot.
And Reece, new to the pack but fit in like she had been here the whole time. She kicked the ball between her two feet, making her way towards the unattended goal, just to piss Jordan off with another score.
Fuck, they're all idiots.
"Why are you sitting there smiling Liam? Get up we're losing!" Jordan screeched at me and I laughed, legitimately laughed out loud for the first time in weeks.
These idiots are my friends, they love me. I told them something I had been ashamed of for my entire life, yet they are still here and they are not treating me any differently.
Their love lifted me higher, it showed me four reasons why my life is beautiful. It made me believe that I was going to be alright because I had them by my side. They were my family, my unconditional love.
"Fuck this, none of you know how to play." Jordan stormed off into the house and sooner rather than later the group disbanded.
***
I played a card game with Lola for two hours. There was a summer storm going on outside and listening to the thunder felt really cozy. Once I successfully won ten dollars, an unused condom and a box of rainbow nerds I ended the game of poker and went in search of Liv.
I pushed open the double doors and inhaled the Earthly scents that the storm had brought us. Olivia was cuddled up under a blanket with her nose inside a book. She sat comfortably under the wooden veranda, ignoring the lightening blasts and roars of thunder.
"Are you okay? What are you doing out here?" I sat down beside her and she closed her book giving me her full attention.
"I just love the thunderstorm." She told me as she cast her eyes around the moody sky. She stood up and walked over to the wooden railings that enclosed the veranda. She looked out at the harsh pitter patter of raindrops that fell onto the ground. I followed her, letting nature soothe me.
"Liam-"
"Don't Liv." I knew what she was going to say. She was going to bring up everything I was working hard to forget. Him, the gun, the nightmares. She looked at me with worry and I sighed.
"You don't need to worry. Jordan is going to take care of the gun and I'm starting to feel... better." I told her honestly.
"I don't want you to bury your emotions and then become overwhelmed with it all. You need to talk about what happened." Her voice was soft but it wasn't enough to keep the darkness at bay. I could feel it returning, the urge to vomit was climbing.
"Not yet." I whispered and she nodded assessing the fear written on my face.
"Liam I think..." I felt my chest tighten with a feeling of dread, I really didn't want to hear the next words on her lips. I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough. "I think... you should speak to a therapist." I sighed, releasing my hurt.
"I'm fine." I lied.
"Liam, I could come with you."
"Stop Liv." I didn't like to think about it, it didn't seem like an option available to me but I could see how much she wanted this and I didn't want to let her down. So I made the silent promise to consider it.
There was a comfortable silence that fell upon us, only the sound of thunder breaking through it. She stretched her arm out catching droplets of water on her hand.
"It's cold rain." She told me and then smiled shyly.
"Wouldn't like to be out there in that, huh?" I asked, she recoiled her hand back and shook her head.
In a sudden movement I wrapped my hands around her waist and lifted her feet off the ground. She giggled loudly.
"Liam, no! Liam, stop!" She protested as she tried to wiggle free.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to be out in it Liv?" I carried her body towards the veranda opening, the whole time she shouted at me to put her down accompanied with swats to my back but I laughed at her efforts and instead ran down the three steps and across the lawn letting the coldness of water hug our bodies.
"Ahhh! Oh my God Liam! It's cold!" She shouted through laughter.
I paused in the middle of the garden, letting the rain soak through our clothes almost instantaneously adding a deep chill to our bones. I lowered her body down, making sure to keep her close and she looked up at me, droplets catching on her eyelashes.
I allowed my thumb to glide over the soft flesh of her pink lips, they were even more blushed with the coldness and I swear in the smallest movement she puckered up and planted a small kiss to my thumb. A tease at what was to follow.
Slowly I leaned in and tenderly pressed my lips against hers and although my surroundings were cold I felt the warmth of my inner sunshine. I could taste the droplets of water that ran down our faces, catching somewhere around our mouth but the salty taste of nature didn't deter from the intensity of our kiss, if anything it only made us press into one another harder.
She hooked her fingers inside the waistband of my jeans and dragged me closer, my fingers found her hair, clumped together with wetness but I grabbed it anyway.
Olivia was back in my arms, she was all mine and just that thought alone made me feel flutters of happiness that overtook me completely.
Everything is going to be okay Liam.