"Mommy I'm hungry."
"Beat it kid, mom's got company."
My body didn't feel complete, it never did. Where my stomach was located felt like a black hole of emptiness. It hurt, it growled but worst of all it broke my mind. I obsessed over where or when I would get my next meal. Often eating things that couldn't ever be classed as food just to sate the gnawing pain I felt.
I had a bouncy ball, it was red and fit perfectly in my small hands. There was a boy at the park playing with it but when he looked away I slipped it into my pocket. His mom shouted at him for losing the ball but that's all.
"You need to take better care of your things Michael. I told you not to bring it because it would go missing, this is you're own fault." She said sternly.
But that's it.
She didn't raise her hand at him or even higher the volume very loud on her voice. Yet Michael cried. What was he crying for? His mom did nothing. Michael didn't know how lucky he was, even without his bouncy ball.
I threw the ball against the fallen plaster just outside my moms bedroom door, catching it in my hand again once it bounced off the walls. There were funny sounds coming from within her room, the kind of sounds she always made when she had company over.
I wondered why my mom invited these men over to hurt her. The men sometimes swore and she always screamed but she still let them back, again and again. Sometimes they were nice to me, they looked at me with guilty eyes and sympathetic glances. Other times they just ignored me completely. If you ignore a problem then it goes away.
"If you ignore a problem then it goes away."
My sleep talking woke me up. The room was bathed in darkness, except for the dim light from the en-suite I keep on because I don't like it when it's fully dark.
Olivia has been avoiding me for two days, ignoring her problem and hoping it goes away. I understand why, because it's awkward as fuck between us but I can't stand her being cooped up in her room, missing out on everything because of me.
We needed to talk, really talk.
I jumped out of bed and took a long shower, removing all of the thoughts from last nights nightmare. Then I went to search for food, convincing my messed up brain that it can come easy to me now that I'm an adult.
I followed the scent of cooking breakfast and slotted onto the stool at the breakfast bar, helping myself to the bacon on offer.
"Mmm, you smell so good. What is that?" Lola asked, her odd question catching me off guard.
"Soap?" I questioned awkwardly.
"Good enough to eat." She raised her eyebrows suggestively at me and I squirmed uncomfortably, willing someone to walk through the door immediately because I didn't trust this girl alone with me. She was too straightforward.
I sat quietly, hoovering up the food from my plate with my mouth. The quicker I got breakfast over the better.
"My mom gives the best advice, you know what she told me?" She flicked her auburn hair away from her face and I wondered where this conversation was going, she was so random. "She said once a cheater always a cheater. I don't like my friends getting fucked about Liam." Her grey eyes looked at me with seriousness. I didn't know if she was asking or accusing. I swallowed down my food with the biggest gulp.
"Nothing happened." I told her, matching the intimidating stare she was giving me. Our eyes could showdown, both perfected a murderous glare that kept everyone away. I recognized it in her the second I met her.
She hides things behind walls that she has built and right now we were both throwing grenades at each others barriers, each of us trying to knock them down and win the war. She was strong but my past made me stronger, I could fight this battle and win.
And there it was, the flicker of emotion to her eyes.
"I believe you." She finally said.
Her words almost knocked the wind out of me, I expected the battle. The cold shoulder. Her to defend Olivia with every spec of her heart. But I never expected her to side me with. She barely knew me.
"You do?" I asked cautiously.
She stood up, grabbing an extra slice of bacon. I didn't think she was going to provide me with an answer but just as she reached the door she turned back to me.
"Just make sure she does." she told me.
***
"Drink up, then the drinking games can commence." Jordan announced.
For some reason Olivia had decided to join us this evening, I think it was a forced appearance though because she sat between her friends keeping her head hung low, avoiding all my attempts at eye contact.
"What are we playing?" Zak perked up.
"Truth or dare." Lola said with wide eyes.
No way.
"No." I closed it down immediately. My voice was harsh, leaving no room for negotiations.
"We'll vote on it." She said forcefully. "Raise your hand for truth or dare." Everyone around the circle, including Olivia raised their hands.
"Well count me out." I told them, folding my arms over in a childish defiance.
"Oh come on you big baby." Lola poked me in my side and I almost jumped out of my seat. Her touch was unexpected, it got my heart racing and I could feel the bile climbing up to the back of my throat. It was big, big enough to cut off all the circulation of air getting to my lungs.
"What the fuck?" She laughed and she poked me again.
He was here, touching me. He was clawing at my clothes, trying to remove them. I couldn't escape. Everyone was watching but nobody was stopping. How could they let him do this to me?
Don't think of him, it's okay.
My chest rapidly constricted, failing to breath steadily as the darkness consumed my thoughts. In my mind I could see his face so clearly down to every last hair on his stubble.
It's just Lola fucking around. Calm down you're making a scene. Think of her.
My face searched the circle, locking on the beacon of light. Her eyes, foliage in the sunshine. They promised gentleness, warmth and safety. And as Lola brought her hand closer for a third time I begged her telepathically to rescue me.
As the one person in this world who has never failed me she came through, again. A massacre of red wine fell all over the white rug, spilling out a deep burgundy that soaked into the fibers and grabbed the attention of everyone around the circle.
"Shit Olive, the rug!" Jordan shouted.
Lola stood up out of the way of the running liquid and the group disbanded to get cloths and cleaning products for the mess.
"I'm so sorry, how clumsy. It won't stain will it?" Liv said innocently.
"I don't care about the rug, you wasted good wine." Jordan pointed out in true Jordan style.
Once the chaos had settled down the game begun, starting with Jordan who needed to answer a truth. We were each allowed three passes, which I fully intended on using. I only ever pick dares anyway.
Lola picked dare, she needed to make out with Zak. I was up next and while they tonsil danced I tried to guess what she was going to muster up for me.
"Liam, truth or dare?" She asked me.
I pretended to think about it but there was no way in hell I would ever pick a truth, I'm not brave enough.
"Dare." She smirked cunningly and I knew I was in trouble.
"Strip." She looked at me with a deep appreciation, like she was already visually stripping my clothes off. There was a hum of excitement around the circle but Lola kept her face straight, waiting.
"Pass." I muttered.
She sighed. "Okay fine, you can keep your underwear on." She negotiated.
Fuck, she wanted me to take them off?
"Still a pass." my tone got more aggressive this time.
"Fine, what's your best high school memory?" She asked.
Being saved.
Involuntarily my eyes flicked towards Olivia for the slightest second but then I looked back at Lola, hoping nobody caught that movement.
"I picked dare." I told her straightly.
"You passed the dare so now you get a truth."
"Well I pass that as well."
"Oh come on Liam, don't spoil the fun. That's an easy one."
I kept my face hard, impenetrable. Making it clear to everyone that I was going to keep up my refusal.
Lola huffed. "Fine, dare... um... Kiss-"
"Pass."
"You don't even know who I wanted you to kiss."
I had a pretty good idea and I didn't want that, not here in front of everyone as part of a stupid game. When we next kissed I wanted it to be real, by choice.
"Oh look at that, I've had my three passes. Looks like I'm out of the game."