chapter thirteen: croquet with british d-bags
docked in london, i was sitting at the juice bar waiting for zack to finish work so we could walk around london... not my sister from another mister london. "man, i love london" marcus says, walking over to us. "would you stop? she's never going to date you" zack breaks it to him. marcus scoffed. "i was talking about the city. but i would love to take a tour of the other london too" marcus says, sitting down next to me.
"dude. she's my sister. and sorry to rain on your parade but she's very picky about the guys she dates" i tell him. "you gotta be rich" zack told him. "i'm rich" marcus answered. "you gotta be tall" i say. "i'm rich" marcus answered again. "well looks like that guys both" zack said pointing to the staircase where london and some guy were walking down. "hey guys. have you met the lord?" london asked. "well, once i rode my bike into a tree and i saw this bright white light and i wasn't quite sure if it was the lord-" marcus said,
"not that lord. the snobby d-bag right next to her" i say to marcus. "d-bag?" the guy asked. "yep" i answer. the guy looked offended. "oh not that lord. this lord, lord hartley wicket. he is 25th in line for the throne" london introduces. "ah. that happens all the time with the buffet. you can use the employee throne back here if you like. there's a sign about washing your hands but that's just a suggestion. so what would you like?" zack asked, putting ice in a cup and placing the cup on the bench.
"no. like a king, prince or whatever" i explained to my clueless boyfriend. "from you nothing" hartley said to zack "and that right there is why i said you're a d-bag" i tell him, pointing at him. he rolled his eyes at me. "did you just roll your eyes at me?" i ask, standing up from my chair. i heard zack, marcus and london 'oooh'. he nodded. "yes i did. want me to do it again?" hartley asked me. i grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. "do you want one arm? then don't. f**kin. roll. your. eyes. at. me. or london, zack or marcus" i say, smirking. i let go of his arm and sat back down, like nothing happened.
"that was hot" zack muttered. i looked at him and i got a soft kiss on my lips. "well enough chit chat. i'll pick you up after my football match" royal d-bag says to london, linking his arm with her's. "i like football. shoulder pads and makeup" london says, smiling and doing hand movements show make up and pushed her shoulders up showing shoulder pads. guess the football i taught her didn't stay in her head. "so what do you play? uptight end?" marcus asked the hartley. "i'm not talking about that wimpy offspring of rugby you colonists call football. i'm talking about what you yanks call soccer" hartley says, mocking the word soccer.
"whatever. look, everybody knows the best sport is hoops" zack says. marcus and i nodded in agreement. "really? i'm quite a good hoops player myself. maybe we could play a little 2 on 2. you guys against me and my boarding school chum; snivelly snotgrass" hartley says. i started laughing and then they looked at me. "is he called 'snot' for short?" i joked. "ha-ha" hartley said sarcastically. i glared at him. why is london hanging around this guy? "well you're on" marcus agreed to the challenge. "this is so exciting. the ugly americans vs the englanders" london says happily. "it's not 'englanders'. it's british" i correct her. "and you're american" zack tells her. "not for tax purposes" london said as she linked arms with hartley and the 'couple' walked away.
_________________________________________
zack had finished he and marcus got dressed to go play. i told zack i'd meet him there cause i was going there with dad. zack and marcus walked onto the court where they were going to be play... croquet! i got up from my seat next to dad and walked over to them. "yo guys!" i greet them. "hi" they both said. "wow, you look beautiful" zack says, i look at my outfit. "i was wearing this on the boat" i say, looking back at him. "i know. i am so glad you're mine" zack says, kissing my cheek.
"wow, these guys sure dress up to see a basketball game" marcus says, noticing the crowd. "uh guys" i say, but was cut off by hartley. "oh dear. by 'hoops' you obviously thought i meant that silly game played by freakishly tall people in baggy bloomers. any gentlemen would have known i meant a rousing game of croquet" hartley said, walking onto the court with his mate and london. "well, obviously they're not gentlemen" a guy, who i'm guessing is snivelly snotgrass, dressed the same way as hartley said while laughing.
"shut up snivellius" i say, glaring at snivelly. he looked offended and walked off with hartley. "london, why are you hanging out with this d-bag?" i asked my best friend. "because there are only 24 people between him and the throne and if there's a really big earthquake at buckingham palace. i'm the queen" london tells us. "london" hartley called for her. "coming" london said walking away. "i was trying to tell you it was croquet but lord d-bag cut me off" i say. "it's alright" zack assures me, wrapping his arms around my waist "you're not mad i didn't tell you sooner?" i asked him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "not at all" zack said. he kissed the tip of my nose and we let go of each other.
"come on marcus. let's beat these brit brats. hey give me one of those hammer thingies" zack says. "it's called a mallet" dad said as he walked over. "hey mr moseby. what are you doing here?" marcus asked. "ah, i'm a huge mallet head" dad answered. "you said it not me" zack said. "dad means he loves croquet. he also taught me how to play for some reason" i explained. "cool, can either of you tell us how to play?" marcus asked us two moseby's. "oh it's simple. the object of the game is to pass the ball through the prescribed circuit of 12 hoops and then strike the centre peg" dad explained.
"if you wish to take a halfbisk, you must wait for a formal acknowledgment from the opponent" i add. "a wave, a wink, perhaps a tip of the cap" dad says before zack cut him off. "stop. hammer time" zack says, taking the mallet from dad and hit the ball. the ball flew and hit the queen. "do i get extra points for knocking the hat off that old lady?" zack asked, chuckling. "that was the queen dude" i tell him. she threw the ball back at us. "dang she's got an arm on her. nice throw lizzy" zack said chuckling again.
_________________________________________
it was time for the match. "good luck honey and marcus" i said giving marcus a hug and zack a kiss. "can i have one more for good luck?" zack asked, trying to score another kiss. "maybe the next round" i say and then sat next to dad in the stand. "hi dad" i greet. "hi sam. zack's not hurting you right?" dad asked me out of the blue. "no. he hasn't. he has never hurt me" i asked. "good. it's just i saw on the tv, a poor girl was abused by her boyfriend. i don't want you to be the one getting hurt." dad tells me. i look at dad, saw he looks sombre.
"i know dad. i don't want that either. i've said to zack that if he ever raises his hand at me, i'm breaking it and leaving him" i assure my dad. "that's my girl" dad said, giving me a side hug. we watched the game. zack hit the ball "good shot" marcus says to zack. "that's a matter of opinion" zack says, voice high pitched as he used the mallet as a walking stick. i get up and walked up to him. "zack you ok?" i asked him when i walked over. "no. i hit my nu-" zack said but i cut him off "nah i gotta it" i say rubbing his back.
the rest of the match, zack was leaning on me. "hey. he hit my ball he can't do that" zack whined. "actually sweetie he can. it's called a roquet" i explain to him. "well it's not roquet with me" zack pouts. hartley hit zack's ball. "hey" zack whined again. everyone clapped. "wicky wicky he's my man. no seriously, stay away from him" london cheered. "oh well played wicket" snivellius congratulated his friend. "thank you snivelly. high 4" hartley said. they high 4'ed. "they can't even high 5 right" zack says. "yes we can. but we'd rather use the 5th digit to do this" hartley said. they made a goofy hand gesture and laughed while walking away.
dad walks up to us. "you guys got your ass handed to you" i tell them bluntly. "you got beat like a dust rag on a clothes line" dad tells them. "this is even more humiliating than the time my pants fell down while i was performing at madison square garden" marcus tells us. "20,00 people saw your underpants?" i asked while trying not to laugh. "If only i had remembered to wear some" marcus answers. "oh dear. well don't worry. there's still time to catch up in round 2 tomorrow" dad tries to cheer them up. "except we stink" zack said.
"to high heaven. but sam and i can tutor you. i was once a croquet prodigy" dad assures them. "gather round boys and girls: it's time for another marion moseby croquet special" i joked. dad told his story. "it was at the junior championships when there was a tragic accident. it was a steamy august day, i put my cheek to the ground so i could see the cut of the grass, when my partner spencer mistook my shaved head for a ball" dad told us. "it is oddly small and shiny" zack agreed. "i was legally dead for 7 minutes" dad says. "thankfully it wasn't more than that" i muttered. "but at least we won the point" dad says.
while dad was explaining the rules of croquet i fell asleep on the ground, jumper as a pillow. i woke up to the sound of my boyfriend and marcus moaning. i looked around, rubbing my eye. saw them on the floor. "what happened?" i asked, getting up. "they fell asleep so i pulled the mallet's from under them" dad explains. i'm now standing and picking up my jumper off the ground. "wake up. in approximately 6 hours you have to face wicket and snotgrass again. remember them?" dad tells the two boys, mimicking their hand gestures from earlier. i brush the grass off my jumper. "yeah. how can i forget? one of them stole my girlfriend" marcus says.
"london's not your girlfriend. she barley knows your name" zack tells marcus, as i walk over to them and taking a spot next to zack. "ok i love her and all, but she can barely remember her own name" i remind zack, patting his back. "which is one of the things i love about her" marcus tells us. "mr moseby and sammy, don't either of you know any trick shots that would guarantee we'd win the game?" Zack asked "There is one" I said.
"But it's far too risky for amateurs Kara. Done right; you put a tremendous amount of spin on the ball and you can run all the hoops in a single stroke, but if you miss calculate even a centimetre you will crush every bone in your foot" Dad said "What's it called?" zack asked us moseby's. "the bone crusher is one" i said simply. "cool. let's see it" zack says. dad and I walked up with our mallet. i took zack's one from off the ground. "make sure you place your foot no more than a blade of grass away from the ball, putting the weight on the proximal phalanges not the distant phalanges" i say, doing the action with dad.
"then you rotate your body 60, not 59, then as the mallet comes back you raise the hip joint creating a tremendous amount of toy" dad says angrily. "and as the mallet makes contact" i continue, dad and i did the move. i succeeded and it hit the peg but dad hurt his foot and screamed in pain. "dad! are you ok?" i asked, dropping the mallet and bolting over to dad on the ground. "big bang. that hurts" dad exclaims.
_________________________________________
next day, i was sitting in between london and dad again, watching zack and marcus go up against hartley and snivellius. "blue ball kiss off the yellow and through the hoop" zack says as he stood next to marcus "oh dear. he's about to make another shot. put on a helmet and hide your children" hartley joked. "oh well played zachary" marcus acts posh. "why thank you marcus" zack acted, both of them doing the same hand gesture the two were doing yesterday.
"ignore them snivelly, we're still way ahead and this is an easy shot" hartley said, lining up the shot. "loser" marcus 'coughed'. "great shot wicky. look how far it went" london misunderstands. "it's out of bounds" hartley exclaimed. zack steps up to the hoop. "dad, is doing what i think he's doing?" i asked dad, pointing over to where zack was. "he's not. he can't. he is" dad said in shock. zack did the bone crusher move. it got to the centre peg! everyone cheered. "go zack!" i cheered. "that's my boy. we taught him that move" dad praised. zack screamed in pain and rolled on the grass.
i jumped out of my seat and head over to zack. "holy shit, are you ok?" i asked, kneeling next to him. "big bang that hurt" zack says, holding his foot. "i taught him that one too" dad adds. zack kissed his foot. zack got up and used the mallet as a walking stick. i sat back down with dad and london. marcus was lining up the shot when hartley kept shouting 'miss'. we all booed him. "what? i am clearly trying to the attention of the crumpet girl" hartley said, turning around. the crumpet girl threw a crumpet at the back of his head. then saw a tall man in a suit burst out of the room next to the court. cody was yelling "stop that thief!"
"back off or the book gets it in the spine" the suit guy says in a german accent i think. marcus then lined up the shot and hit the guy causing him to let go of the book. "we won" the two rich lord's say and then chest bump. everyone got out of their seats. dad and i walked over to them. "marcus that was brilliant. boys, we are so proud of you" dad congratulated. "i'm proud of you more zack" i say with a smile. he picks me up and spins me around. "put me down. your foot is sore" i say. he put my down but held me in his arms. "you're worth the pain" zack whispered. "now, if you like there is room for you on the american croquet team" dad tells the boys.
"truth be told there is room for everybody because there is only me and 2 guys named spencer in connecticut" dad added. london squealed and ran with her arms open to hug marcus. "marcus, you're a hero" london tells him. "yeah i guess" marcus said. london pulled away from the hug but he pulled her back in. "ok. hurting the rich girl" london said and this time marcus let her go. "london, why are you hugging this loser?" hartley asked london harshly. "because he's my friend. and snivelly told me what you said. by the way, your village has an idiot; it's you" london tells him off before doing the hand gesture the two lords did yesterday this time, Snivelly did too. hartley walked off.
_________________________________________
Hope you enjoy :)
may we meet again