It's hard... I almost want to pretend to go back to sleep... Nothing but the sight of Silas's knee's haunting me and keeping me more than aware that he's worried, the way that he's sitting in his chair broadcasting that he's nervous, his left heel lightly bouncing as he waits for me... His face turned blankly towards the dead fireplace as his thoughts circle round and round over what happened last night and being upset over thinking that I'm upset with him... Even though I already told him that I'm not...
It would be as easy as letting my mind reach out and tug on his to let him know that I'm awake... And that I'm ready to talk... But really I don't think I am ready to talk... I don't know if I don't want to get up and see if there is any breakfast leftover and pretend like last night didn't happen just to avoid the stress that has kept itself successfully knotted in my stomach all night long...
It's not that I dread the conversation itself... Just the anxiety that crops up inside of me thinking about having it... About needing to apologize for the way I reacted to him leaving because in no way was that a healthy situation on either end of our relationship... The heaviness of it all settling so completely on my collarbone that I keep having to adjust my pillow in order to try and be comfortable... Something that I'm surprised hasn't drawn Silas's attention...
I know that the longer I put it off the longer we both will have to deal with our current level of anxiety but i already feel so exhausted just by the thought of it... I don't know how I'll manage to get through it without wanting to take a nap afterward, and that would make me feel like I was abandoning him after a heavy situation and it feels too cruel to consider... I don't want either one of us to be uncomfortable anymore... But I don't know if inviting him to get back in bed with me so we can lay down while we talk will actually accomplish anything other than me possibly falling asleep before the end of the conversation...
...
Silas
...
It had been hard trying to find a place to allow my eyes to settle, but when I had decided on the fireplace it had been calm enough to ease about half of my worries, the other half too prominent to really put to bed without making sure we properly recover... I had been able to let my mind wander and circle the drain over and over again over what went wrong last night and how I could have reacted better and what could have been done differently...Which is why it startles me so much when I hear my sweet mate's hesitant voice from across the room when he gives me the shyest little, "Hey..."
At first, I want to bolt up out of my chair and run to the side of the bed, but I know that that would be overwhelming for my sweet Bean so I stay put and just turn my head so I can look at him before sitting forward so I can rest my forearms on know knees, my hands clasped as I try to keep my cool, my mouth forming the word to say it back to him, "Hey..."
I don't know what to say... I don't know if it's okay to get closer or if he would take offense to me walking over in order to sit on the bed... Addy slowly sitting up after rubbing his eyes, his back leaning itself against the headboard while he stares directly at me not letting his eyes drop like he usually does after he's had a drop... His voice slowly becoming more and more steady as he continues to speak, "How did you sleep last night?"
I don't know how to tell him that I didn't sleep a single wink so I end up shrugging and repeating the question back to him, the very same answer as mine being given back before he looks down at his hands in his lap before starting up again, "Look... Silas..."
...
Adrian
...
"I'm sorry."
Before I can actually pluck up the courage to apologize Silas beats me to it and the sound makes my head snap up from where my eyes had been focused in my lap... It's not that I wasn't expecting him to apologize again... It's just the way he sounds so raw when he says it... Like maybe he spent the morning crying and even just the thought of that threatens to rip my heart from my chest with the intention of smashing it to pieces on the floor... I should've woken up for breakfast... I shouldn't have made him wait...
"It's okay, Addy... You needed to sleep... Your body is doing double duty right now, and last night was stressful..." I'm not sure if he even bothered to read my mind or if it was just the expression he found on my face but just like always Silas always seems to know what to say, and I feel the corners of my mouth tugged upwards ever just so slightly in what might almost be called a small if not hesitant smile as we let the forgiveness settle into the air around us... My lips being the next ones to move.
"You should know that I'm sorry too... And that it's okay. I know Mason doesn't exactly bring out the best in you... I really am not mad, Silas..." We both flinch when I call him by name instead of calling him Daddy, but this feels like too serious of a morning to bother with nicknames or endearment... Not when both of us feel like we each contributed to the disaster of last night in very different ways... I don't want that word to ever be associated with any negative feelings or stress... And I'm pretty sure Silas would agree with me... It just gives me more of a reason to settle down and accept that the conversation needs to be had at all in order to get this awkward tension between us completely gone.