Walking into the cafeteria, I keep my head down as I walk straight towards the food and don't make eye contact with anyone in the room. All I want to do is grab my food, sit down, and talk to Michael who can hopefully manage to make me feel better. After all, he seems to always know how to lighten the mood and I'm certainly counting on him in this moment to do so.
I know I can't look anywhere towards Ashton, if he's even in here, as I can't imagine the sadness written across his features due to our conversation. I feel terrible. I clearly managed to unknowingly lead him on and now he's hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone who's so important to me.
I look down at the food, not wanting any of it in the slightest as I'm so sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'll manage to stomach this when I'm going to just think about everything with Ashton and how much it's bothering me immensely.
Can I just go back to my cabin?
I'm about to walk away from the table when I feel a hand grab my wrist quickly. I turn around to see Luke beside me as he lets go of my wrist and has a concerned look in his eyes. I take the opportunity to look away because I don't want him to be able to read me in this moment.
"Ashton didn't look too happy with you."
I shrug my shoulders, preparing to walk away as I don't exactly want to discuss it. Due to this, I turn away, leading to Luke capturing my wrist once more in order to stop me.
I realize there's no avoiding this conversation and he's going to insist on me giving him some form of an answer.
I eye the cafeteria, praying Ashton's not in here, or anywhere near, in order to hear this conversation.
"He's just upset that certain things between the two of us aren't being reciprocated," I say, hoping he'll allow me to leave it at that.
Does he really want to talk about this right now?
"What things exactly?" Luke asks curiously.
"Nothing," is all I say, hoping he'll drop it. I want to walk away once more but I know there's no use in it considering he'll stop me again. "It's just- it's a long story."
"Does it involve what I witnessed between the two of you when I caught you in the ocean?" Luke asks making me shy back as I don't doubt he's referring to the way that we were moments away from kissing. Obviously, there's no denying that that's where we were headed and it only makes me regret sneaking out even further.
"I thought we were over that," is all I say wanting for him to just drop it.
The way he recalls the memory makes me think that he's still angry about it. I obviously apologized and attempted to make up for it but that clearly wasn't enough.
"I thought we were too," Luke says, eyeing a bowl of apples on the counter before grabbing one. I don't look away as he takes a bite into it, his eyes remaining on my own. "But seems to me like he isn't."
"He expected something more between the two of us, I can't exactly blame him," I say.
I should've pulled away in that moment because I really didn't even want to kiss him. All I wanted was to do something normal and in that moment, that was kissing a boy. However, it completely backfired as it's led to so many negative things.
"So he's going to throw a bitch fit because you don't like him back?" Luke asks, an amused look on his face as if finding the situation funny.
Must be nice.
I wish I could find humor in the situation but instead, it's giving me an immense amount of anxiety that I don't need. It seems as if each day I'm presented with a different thing to be stressed over and it seems absolutely never-ending.
I open my mouth to respond and tell him that this is all actually stressing me out and I don't find it funny. However, to avoid causing any problems, I decide against it and just shake my head as I walk away.
In all honesty, I don't feel like talking to Luke about this right now. My best friend is beyond upset with me and I don't know what to do about it. I never meant to hurt anyone and I hate that this is the case.
On top of that, it's clear Luke is going to pester answers out of me and I don't feel like giving them right now.
Luckily, he doesn't call for me as I feel Luke's eyes on the back of me while I walk from him and towards where I spot Michael at our usual table. I know that's not going to be the end of the discussion considering Luke always gets what he wants and right now he wants answers but right now, I need to clear my head.
"Look who it is," Michael says cheerfully as I sit down with a sigh. "How did things go last night?"
I shrug considering they did go very well. In fact, I'm thankful all of that is off my shoulder. However, of course, things have a way of not lasting for me and everything fell apart this morning.
"I just want one relaxing day here, that's all," I say as I dig my hands through my hair in frustration. I'm sure Michael anticipated that this conversation could go poorly considering he has no idea how last night ended.
Michael raises his eyebrows, "So it didn't go well?"
"No it went great, beyond better than expected," I say simply, causing him to shoot up an eyebrow at me. I don't doubt that I make absolutely zero sense in this moment. "Lieutenant and I are good now, however, Ashton may want me dead."
Michael looks at me amused, clearly not knowing the severity of it.
"How come?"
"Because I don't feel the same way about him," I say, my eyes drifting off one more in order to see if he's made it here yet. I wonder if he plans on hiding out during the meal and coming later. Is he that upset with me? He doesn't even want to be in the same room as me? Or he could just now want to be around anyone.
I feel guilty but it's hard to match feelings with him in an environment like this. I haven't been around him enough in order to build these feelings and it seems like he expected me to be able to match them after our encounter in the water.
Obviously, I wish that I could but I can't force something that's not there.
"Because you've got your eyes on Hemmings."
This grabs my attention immediately as I sit up entirely and look to Michael as if he has five heads. I almost choke on my own spit as my eyes absolutely double in size and I ask, "What?"
"You've got the hots for Hemmings," Michael says with a shrug, seeming to find this situation as I look to him with terror. "I see the way you don't take your eyes off him; even when he was a dick to you you still looked at him like he was a fine dessert."
I tear my gaze away, terrified he'll see it in my eyes that Luke does make me feel something. I'm not entirely sure what that feeling is yet, but I can say with certainty that it's not a bad feeling. The part that concerns me is I was capable of feeling this even when he was an asshole to me.
I'm horrified that I could be feeling for Luke what Ashton is feeling for me.
That's impossible. I can't be into Luke, I hardly know the guy. The only side I've seen from him mostly is the asshole side to him. All I've had is a glimpse of this other side to him and that's hardly enough for me to determine whether I'm into him or not.
"I'm not into Luke, Michael," I say as if it were obvious.
Michael smirks as he says, "Luke, not Lieutenant Hemmings?"
Realizing I tripped over my own words, I say, "Luke, Lieutenant Hemmings, whatever you want to call him. I'm not into him. He didn't start looking at me like a human until yesterday."
"Sure you're not," Michael sing-songs making me roll my eyes. "I see the way your eyes light up when he's around."
"Yeah of fear... plus I'm not here to fall for anyone," I say as I sit straight and attempt to convince myself of this more than Michael. "Strictly business."
Michael begins saying something in order to fight against my words but I'm immediately distracted by the sight of Luke walking side by side with Major Hood. Unfortunately for me, it seems that whenever he's near by, I can't help but stare at him.
And maybe that answers my question entirely.
He has a confident stance as he looks around the room swiftly, showing off his confidence in his walk. I'd be lying if I said seeing him emulate so much confidence wasn't incredibly attractive to me but god forbid I ever mention that to anyone.
I don't miss the way that Major Hood seems to be talking to him about something however, Luke seems distracted as he doesn't seem to be listening.
As if feeling my gaze on him, he turns his head quickly in order to lock eyes with me. Due to the suddenness, I almost gasp in surprise as I try to not let it show. However, I was certainly caught in the act of staring at him.
Before I can look away, he shoots me a subtle wink with the slightest hint of a smirk. I just about blush at the sight, however I hold back everything in me that begs to react. Especially considering his eyes are off me in seconds and he's looking at the table he and Major Hood always sit at.
It's as if he knows the reaction he can get out of me. I guess Michael isn't the only one.
I tear my gaze away and look back to Michael just as he shoots me a knowing look. I don't doubt that he witnessed that all and I'm sure he has a lot to say considering I just went against everything I said moments ago.
"See what I mean? I totally saw that."
"Oh whatever," I say, quickly waving him off, knowing I just contradicted myself completely but hoping he'll let it slide and not push it further.
I don't need anyone overhearing the fact that I have been ogling Luke and blushing just at the sight of him.
"Hey, I never said I don't see the same level of interest in his eyes," Michael says, making my ears immediately perk up as I turn my head to him entirely. Did I just hear that right? "He's definitely playing his fair game of not taking his eyes off of you."
I can feel my cheeks heating up and I want to smack myself for it. I continue to humiliate myself and only make it more obvious that Michael's right. Even if I don't believe him wholely, the thought is certainly enough to make my heart race.
"Can we talk about something else?" I ask desperately, wanting to move on from this conversation before I embarrass myself further.
"Sure, but Lieutenant is on his way over to this table."
My eyes widen and before I have the opportunity to turn around in order to confirm this, he's taking a seat directly beside me. I feel my stomach drop in nerves as I try to think of the proper way to interact with him in this moment.
Am I supposed to act like I hate him?
"Morning Michael, Lila."
"Morning," we both say at the same time as I sit up straight and attempt to keep my eyes off of him. I don't need Luke seeing the same thing in my eyes that Michael sees.
Luke clears his throat, folding his hands on top of the table as he seems to have no intentions of making an exit yet.
"I wanted to see if you two were aware of the training taking place today," Luke says, his body a lot closer than I had expected it to be.
Can he please scoot over before I start blushing in front of absolutely everyone?
Luckily, his words are enough to distract me as I wonder what exactly he means by this. Is there some type of specific training today that differs from what we usually do? I don't understand why he would be addressing this if that wasn't the case.
I look to Michael to see if he knows but he just shakes his head so I do the same.
"You guys will run through different stations and be trained by either myself, Calum, or Ashton. It'll be a circuit and you will be focusing on one-on-one fighting with me, shooting with Calum, and physical strength and cardio with Ashton."
I resist the urge to cringe at the thought of going through training with Ashton while he's currently mad at me. Especially considering Luke knows Ashton isn't too happy with me right now, I just hope he has some sympathy and doesn't match me with him.
The awkwardness would be incredibly evident and I don't even know how I'd respond to it.
Nonetheless, the idea is exciting. It's going to be nice to get some one-on-one time with everyone in order to improve. After all, I haven't practiced shooting at all yet and this will give me a chance to finally pick up skills in something that's going to be huge for me once war rolls around.
"Who are we going to be training with?" Michael asks.
"Michael, you'll be with Ashton today at the first session, and Lila, you'll be with me today at the first session."
My ears perk up at this knowing I won't have to deal with Ashton today. However, I know I will in the next day or two which still leaves me hesitant. On top of that, the thought of having some alone time further with Luke is tempting and I can't help but feel excitement course through me at the thought.
"Shocking," Michael says teasingly under his breath making me immediately give him a look. Luckily, it seemed to have only been loud enough for the two of us to hear but it certainly doesn't go unnoticed with me.
Luke doesn't respond to the comment as he begins to tap his fingers against the table and keep up his confident demeanor.
"Training with me will be in the gym, training with Calum will be at shooting range, and Ashton will be in the workout room. After you're done, I expect you both to be training the rest of the day on your own. You need to work on your weaknesses and strengthen them; don't view this as a day off."
"I thought you weren't planning on starting individual training for a while," I say recalling when he told me they were going to do this in the next few weeks.
It definitely seems soon but I don't mind at all because I really feel like this is what's going to help me grow.
"I changed my mind," is all Luke says.
I wonder what changed his mind and why they're starting it sooner rather than later. However, I'm certain that it has to do with the new information he obtained last night and what it could potentially mean for my future. Obviously, I may need more attention focused on me in order to prepare me for a war that has the potential of me being the absolute number one target.
"How long will this go on for?" Michael asks.
"I'm not sure yet," Luke says. "Until I see improvement in all of you and am at a comfortable point where I feel like everyone is on the same level. We have too many soldiers who aren't as skilled as some of our top soldiers and this can't be the case. Everyone needs to be the best they can possibly be."
I nod my head, understanding where he's coming from as there are still a lot of people who need a lot of work. I consider myself to be one and I don't doubt that Luke does too. I'm nowhere near where some of the best soldiers are and this could be the perfect opportunity for me to get there.
"So we're done with group workouts?" Michael asks.
"No, we will have days where we do both," Luke says, offering a lot more information than I would've expected him to. "Don't get your hopes up."
"Wouldn't dream of it, sir," Michael is quick to reply, followed by a smile falling on his lips.
Luke just eyes Michael over, as if silently challenging him to say anything further. I know Michael didn't say that in an attempt to be snarky but Luke absolutely viewed it that way as he practically views anything as a sign of disobedience.
However, I think we both know that Michael would be the last person to attempt to piss off Luke.
Luke tears his gaze off of him, pressing his hands to the table as if in an attempt to get up and away from the two of us. I inwardly pout at this because I'd prefer for him to stay but I clearly can't express this.
"I'll see you at ten for your session, Lila," Luke says to me.
I just nod my head, not wanting to look him in the eyes in fear of what my own eyes will give away. So with that, Luke gets up and gives us one look before making his way to the center of the dining hall.
I watch him carefully, knowing he's about to announce to the rest of us what he just told us. I'm surprised he went out of his way to tell us all of this but don't dwell on it as I allow for my attention to turn towards the front of the room.
Michael seems to give me a knowing look as if noticing the fact that he told us before everyone else as well. I'm sure this is his way of further confirming what he was saying just moments before.
"Cadets," Luke's loud voice booms making the room go silent, just as it always does. Everyone looks at him instantly with fear in their eyes as he stands in the front. "Training in the next few weeks will be a little different. We will be working with you individually in order to find your strengths and weaknesses and where we will want to put you in combat."
I cringe at the words as I'm once again reminded just where we are. The idea of going into combat and being placed somewhere terrifies me. What if I'm the worst one there? What if I'm with no one I know? What if the people I'm with end up being traitors?
"All of our strong soldiers will be the ones training you. You will either be in group A training that consists of me, Ashton Irwin, and Major Hood. Group B training, Group C, Group D, or Group E. Obviously the higher your letter, the higher your skills are."
This grabs my attention as I'm absolutely shocked by this. Why'd he put me in group A? Does he truly think I'm one of the best ones here? The amount of pressure that puts on me makes me feel practically sick to my stomach.
Have I proven myself to be one of the tops?
"You will work with one of us each day and expand your skills in certain areas. If you show improvement, we will move you up a group. But if you are in Group E, just know you need to step it up."
I look to Michael, giving him a look of confusion to see if he understands how either one of us are in Group A. I mean sure Michael is a lot more skilled than myself, but how was I placed in this group above so many other people?
"There will be lists outside the door, you are to check and see where you fall. You will also be given a time for your session. Once your session is complete, you are to make use of your time. No, that does not mean go take a nap, or read a book. Do something useful and you will be required to log it and let us know what you did."
I can't even think about what I'll do with my free time. I haven't had free time since I got here and I guess if Michael has the same free time as myself we can figure out something to do together. Otherwise, I have no idea.
"Get up and look at the lists and for your names. First sessions begin at 10:00 am, don't be late or you will be punished."
With that, Luke makes his way towards the door in order to leave the cafeteria. I check the clock on the wall to see it's 9:45 just as everyone gets up and runs to the front doors. Leave it to Luke to give us absolutely no time to prepare for this.
"I guess that means we better go hurry," I say standing up as Michael does the same.
Does he really expect everyone to be able to go over the lists and make it there in time for the first session? Is that why he told us ahead of time? Was he looking out for us by making sure we knew that we'd have to run out the door as soon as he left?
"So it isn't the slightest bit ironic you're with Luke today and you're his first session?" Michael asks me, once again furthering our conversation from earlier.
"No," I say as we rush through the crowd of people and out of the cafeteria. "He would've had to work with me eventually."
"Or he called first dibs," Michael says, nudging me, clearly loving every second of this.
I nudge him back, knowing that's far from the truth as I don't have anything to say. He had to have me eventually so might as well get the weak link out of the way first.
"Anyway, good luck," is all I say considering we're going complete different ways. "Wanna meet back here after in order to go train together"
"Sure," Michael says. "I'll see you after, try not to drool over Hemmings while you're in there."
I roll my eyes and wave him off before saying in a monotone voice, "Goodbye, Michael."
He laughs at this and waves back before going off in his own direction. I know I'm short on time, so I decide to jog over and prepare myself for my one-on-one session with Luke that could either go really well or super poorly?
Is he going to expect me to already know stuff about one on one combat? I mean, I know a fair amount of self-defense due to classes I've taken in high school but nothing beyond that.
The idea terrifies me especially with someone as strong and intimidating as Luke. However, I'm glad we are on the page we are on now or else I would've been completely terrified of what's to come.
But then again, I'm more scared of having my one-on-one with Ashton. He's either going to kick my ass and make me regret hurting him the way I did or just be awkward about it and I don't want either of those. I truly never wanted any of this to happen.
Yet, here I am, continuing to take on things I could've never predicted for myself in a million years.
a/n
helllooo ladies!
hope all is well and u are feeling lovely (:
thank u for reading, let me know your thoughts as always!
hugs and kisses to u all