"Wait a second," I said, putting my cellphone down to open the door and enter my house. "Jasmin," I called out to my daughter. "I'm home." I returned to my phone before she could answer. "What were we talking about?" I said to Vera, a woman I only met a week ago at the corner store.
I went to the kitchen and poured myself orange juice. "Yeah, I just got home from work."
"Papi," said Jasmin from behind, startling me.
I turned, seeing her sitting at the kitchen table. "You scared me. Why are you sitting in the dark alone?"
"Can we talk?" she said in a low voice.
"Sure, just give me a minute."
I went to the living room to finish my conversation. "Yeah, everything's okay. When would be a good day for us to go out?" I saw a picture laying face down and I picked it up. It was a picture of Jasmin and her best friend at Six Flags with human size Bugs Bunny. "Saturday works for me. Do you like amusement parks?" I put the picture back down, setting it up right this time. "Alright, sounds good. I'll see you then. Bye."
I walked back to the kitchen to find my daughter still sitting at the table. "What did you want to talk about?" I sat across from her and took a sip of my drink.
"I did something stupid," she said, looking down at the table.
I chuckled. "Really? What did you do?"
She pulled out a medicine bottle, setting it in front of me.
I grabbed it. "What's this? You doing drugs now?" I joked. The bottle belonged to my brother, medication for his crohn's disease. "What did you do?"
"I took them," she said, still not making eye contact.
"Why did you do that?" I asked, looking at the empty medicine bottle, not comprehending what it meant, but then suddenly figuring it out. An old memory returned to me of a friend doing something similar. Not again. Time slowed down as all these emotions flooded in at once, shock, sorrow, and shame. I couldn't even begin to think straight.
"Sorry papi."
Jasmin's voice snapped me back. I looked at my little girl's face, the sadness in her eyes, wondering what went wrong. How could I have messed up so badly? How didn't I see this coming? Then I remembered when I arrived home. She wanted to talk but I made her wait till I was done on the phone. I had no idea. At no point had it crossed my mind what was coming.
She grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry papi. Please don't cry."
I hadn't realized I was crying. Holding her warm hands in mine, it dawned on me I hadn't called for an ambulance. I took my phone and dialed 911, still holding her hand. I concentrated on her face, her brown eyes watering up. I was so lost in those eyes I hadn't noticed the operator speaking.
"911, what is your emergency?" he repeated.
"Yes, can you please send an ambulance to 47 Matahunt Street? My daughter," I said, my voice cracking. "She accidentally took too much medicine."
"The paramedics should be there shortly. How is your daughter at the moment?"
"She looks fine."
"What type of medication did she take? How much?"
I picked up the medicine bottle and before I could read him its name, the doorbell rang. "The paramedics are here. Thank you," I hung up the phone. "Let's go," I said to my daughter, shoving the empty bottle in my pocket.
The paramedics came inside, looking after Jasmin. "How do you feel?" they asked.
"I feel okay."
"What did you take?"
"It was this," I said, giving them the empty bottle. "It belongs to my brother. He lives with us."
"How many did you take?"
"61."
That hit me hard. My heart sank. I couldn't believe she took 61 pills. The realization she was counting them as she took them was like taking a gut punch and I couldn't breathe.
They continued to ask her questions and once again I'm wondering how this happened. More importantly, why would she do this to herself? Was it because I wasn't around enough? I always tried to be, especially when she was younger. Always there for school events, the dance classes and everything else she wanted. Well at least until she reached high-school and began to get distant.
I didn't think much of it. She was a teenager. Teenagers get distant from their parents. That's what they do. Last I knew she was doing well in school. Her grades were good. She was on the softball team. She was even going to the same school with her best friend since elementary school.
Honestly I was a little relieved to be given my own time. I had time to go out, meet people, socialize and even date. How selfish of me! If only I was around I could have seen this coming. Maybe I could have prevented this. Instead of going through this, we could be eating pizza and watching a Disney movie like when she was younger. I would do anything to return to those days. I would give up anything for my little girl's happiness.
One of the paramedics came up to me while the other took my daughter to the ambulance. "We're going to take her to the hospital. Do you have your own vehicle to follow?"
"Yes I do," I said, walking outside and keeping my sights on Jasmin, her fear as the paramedic strapped her in the gurney. "Is she going to be alright?" I asked, approaching her.
"She seems okay now, but we need to hurry and take her to the hospital," he said, closing the doors to the ambulance.
"Don't worry honey," I yelled through the doors. "I'll be following right behind you!"
"Alex! What's going on?" yelled my brother who pulled up in his car.
I quickly got in his car. "Jasmin's sick. Follow them."
The ambulance drove off and my brother followed. "What happened?" he asked.
At first, I didn't want to tell him, but after I thought about it, there was no reason in keeping it from him. "She tried to kill herself," I said, my voice horse.
"My God," he said. It looked like he wanted to say something else, but couldn't come up with the words and chose to stay silent.
While following them, my mind returned to her face, the moment she told me she did something stupid. I went through my mind wondering what brought her to this. Was it something at school, bullying or maybe boy problems? I don't know and that's the issue. I wasn't around enough and that is exactly the problem.
My head went back to a similar night when I picked up Jasmin from softball practice. I could see she was lost in thought.
"How was your day?" I asked her.
"It was okay," she said, not showing me any interest.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Huh." She looked at me. "Nothing important. A movie we saw recently."
"Which one?"
"The one with the emotions in the little girl's head."
"The cartoon one?"
"Yeah, that one."
"Good movie."
"Do you think it's really like that? We have a bunch of emotions controlling what we do?"
"Like an angry person telling you how to react?"
"Exactly like that!"
"No, I don't believe there are little specific emotion people controlling what we do." I chuckled a bit as I thought about it. "Why do you ask?"
"It makes sense to me."
"How so?"
"Today there was this boy teasing me and I got so angry I punched him."
"You what?" I said, pulling the car over.
"I punched him," she repeated, unsure of herself. "Are you mad at me?"
"Did you get in trouble?"
"No. No teachers saw us."
"Did he try to hit you?"
"No, after I punched him he walked away holding his nose. Are you mad?"
Not at all. I was proud but I wasn't going to tell her that. "You can't just punch someone for teasing you." It crossed my mind, the boy could have a crush on her but I'm also keeping that to myself. I'm not ready to deal with boy problems.
"I know. I just reacted. That's why I think there's an angry person in my head controlling what I do."
"Nope, that was you. It happens but you have to control yourself. When someone teases you, it's better to ignore them. What did he say to you anyways?"
She looked away. "He called me ugly."
I let out a laugh, not meaning to.
She slapped my arm. "Don't laugh."
"Sorry, it's just that is no reason to hit someone. You can't hit someone for lying. You'd be hitting people all day."
"Shut up dad," she said with a crack of a smile on her face. "Let's go home."
I put the car on drive. "I love Jasmin."
She didn't turn to me but I knew she's smiling. "Love you too dad."
"Do you know why she did it?" asked my brother, breaking me back into the present.
"I have no idea. It's been a while since we talked about anything important." I felt ashamed admitting it out loud.
"I'm sorry."
"Do you know why she did this?"
"You don't think it has anything to do with her mother?"
"What does she have to do with any of this," I said, a hint of spite in my voice. "They've never met."
"Little girls need their mothers."
Another blow. "She was never a mother. Jasmin is better off without her."
"Still, Jazzy might not see it that way. All she sees is her mother didn't want her. That could mess anyone up mentally, never mind a little girl."
"But why now?"
"She's a teenager. New types of problems at her age. Problems you might not be able to help which a mother could."
The ambulance finally made it to the hospital and my brother dropped me off at the entrance while he parked his car. They were quick at the hospital and before I knew it, she was in a bed, machines hooked up to her.
A doctor came in. "How are you feeling honey?" she asked her.
"I'm fine," she said, her voice groggy.
"I have a couple of questions for you sweetheart. Are you up for them?"
"Okay."
The doctor looked towards me and back at my daughter. "Would you prefer if your father wasn't in the room for these questions?"
"He can stay," she answered.
"I can wait outside if you want," I said to the doctor.
"No," said Jasmin, grabbing my hand. "Please stay."
I sat down next to her, holding her hand. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Alright, let us start," said the doctor. "Do you have any nausea or diarrhea?"
"No."
"Have you been experiencing any dizziness?"
"I'm tired," she said, dousing off.
I stood up. "Jasmin are you okay?"
"Yes daddy," she answered, struggling to keep her eyes open.
"Honey," said the doctor. "Why did you take those pills?"
Jasmin didn't answer, falling asleep. I tried to wake her, giving her a slight shake but nothing. I was about to shake her again but the doctor stopped me.
"Let her sleep."
The doctor left, not saying anything else to me. I tried to wake her but she was in a deep sleep. I began to panic. Nothing I did would wake her. I called a nurse over, asking if she should be sleeping so deeply. The nurse told me she'll be fine and if there was anything wrong, the machines would inform them. My brother joined us in the room and reassured me if there was something wrong, the doctors would be here with us.
I stood over my daughter and held her hand, rubbing it. I stroked her hair, holding back my own tears. What am I supposed to do without her? I'm nothing without her. The past fourteen years I've lived for her and would gladly continue to do so. Please don't leave me. I would give up everything for my little girl. Just please don't leave me. Please.
The doctor returned and saw the pain I was going through. The first thing she told me was, "Your daughter is going to be fine." That's the last thing I heard. 'Your daughter is going to be fine.' Everything was going to be alright. I'll make sure this time.