Chapter 49
I know I can be impulsive and dramatic. Those traits have led to many mistakes. Instead of doing something crazy (like driving home and confronting Matt like I desperately wanted to), I tried to be rational. Maybe I misunderstood everything. Maybe Matt wasn't trying to move away; I only heard this from my kid. So, while trying to stifle my anger, I called my dad in hopes he could offer some insight.
Unfortunately, he couldn't. He apparently had no knowledge of Matt wanting to move, which was surprising considering he and my ex enjoyed being up each other's asses. Though he was as shocked as me, he wasn't freaking out like I was. He reminded me that Matt legally couldn't move and take the kids until he wins full-custody. Despite my emotions, that information allowed me to bury my panic. In it's place though... came a whirlwind of stress from the overall turn my life has taken.
My life has changed so much these past few months. My biggest daily struggles for a while consisted of trying to save money, not get dirt on my nice clothes, and go to my weekly AA meetings. But now, everything was worse. There was more drama, more problems, more things to face – and it was all just consistently growing more serious. And now, my ex wanted to move away and take our kids. It wasn't a massive issue compared to other things, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
After hanging up with my dad, it all just came crashing down on me. Collectively... all of my problems dragged my spirit to rock bottom and left my brain in limbo. It all just hit me at once, the weight of everything, the reality of my life. To say the least, it was a long night of thought, sadness, and self-evaluation. Where did I go wrong? What caused this domino effect of problem after problem?
The next day, it was difficult hiding how emotionally exhausted I was. Blake didn't pry or ask too many questions though. After telling him about the new drama with Matt, he probably understood it was all just a bit much for me to handle. He was considerate, sweet, yet allowed me to remain in silence most of the day. I didn't even bother asking where we were going after we checked out of our hotel. I didn't even care where we ended up staying for the rest of this trip. I was just... consumed in my world.
Blake drove us a few hours north, heading back towards home. Before crossing into Vermont, he took a long detour into the hilly countryside. Despite feeling mentally checked-out, I arched a brow amusingly when we turned down a private road. Where in the world was he taking us?
With the trees and brush crowding closer on each side, narrowing the road, it forced him to slow down. On the right, we started to pass a few private houses that seemed to sit along the edge of a valley. And when he turned into one of the driveways, I couldn't help but smile. Well... I guess we were done with hotels for a hot minute.
Surrounded by trees, the two story house looked quite modern. It had dark blue siding, white shudders, and a large garage. "This looks like one of your cottages you rent out back home – accept it looks nice," I joked, glancing over to him.
"That's because it is," he said, putting the truck in park.
"What do you mean?"
"This is one of my cottages," he said with amusement.
"How? We are still over an hour from home; we aren't even in Vermont. You rent out cottages this far away?"
"Sure do. This one is the furthest away though."
I was quite surprised – and impressed. "How long do we have it for?"
"As long as we need it." After pausing for a moment, watching me take in the house, he continued. "Don't worry. Since you might need proof of your whereabouts, there is a town five miles away with security cameras, people, and places to use your credit cards."
When he put it like that... it honestly couldn't be more perfect. Yes, perfect. Despite my love of city-life, I strangely felt relief being out here in the middle of nowhere. My state of mind craved calmness, nothingness, and space, all things that this place could provide. I could feel literally away from everything and it was a nice thought.
Once we headed inside and unpacked, I already felt more relaxed. The house had an open floor plan, with a kitchen overlooking a large and cozy living room. Furniture was arranged facing the wall of the back of the house. It supported a fireplace, the TV above it, and the huge windows and sliding door on each side. The view was obviously the main attraction here; the windows overlooked the wooden deck and the gorgeous valley of trees.
Being secluded like this might allow me to find some peace of mind. Might was they keyword. Even though being in the middle of nowhere could feel like a get-away, being in the middle of nowhere gave me nothing else to think about. By that night, my mind still would not shut off.
My legs were crossed against the wooden planks of the deck. I was sitting on the edge, looking out over the valley. The moonlit sky highlighted the waves of tree-tops for me, and it was absolutely beautiful and peaceful. Crickets hummed from all directions. Thankfully, that was the only sign of bugs. Being in a hoodie and jeans probably helped too.
Staring into the distance, I took a puff from my cigarette. I couldn't shake that feeling of being crippled. I didn't know why, I just... couldn't. My mind still wandered down every direction it could, trying to untangle, grasp, and understand what I've done and what I needed to do. Being stuck in this confused, scared, and tense state made my chest ache.
Resting the cigarette on the deck next to me, I relaxed my shoulders and sighed. How in the world was I going to turn my life around? How? I already tried so hard; I moved away from the city and started over. So where did it go wrong? I suppose it was inevitable. I had unfinished business from the past – and August definitely caught up to me. I was almost glad he did; he deserved some sort of justice for all I've done to him.
I wanted the trees and the few scattered lakes to swallow me up. But that would be unfair; I couldn't disappear when I needed to pay for my mistakes. I had to get through this and come clean about everything. Even though I started a new life months ago, I had to accept I might have to do it again. I needed to get my shit together and push aside my selfishness.
For that, I started to plan on actively doing a few things whenever we get home. I would find a real job, a new vehicle, and continue going to meetings. And of course, I would have to expose the truth to everyone. Everyone. Blake would be the first to know – only once we get home though. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck together here if he decides he wants nothing more to do with me.
It was a difficult thought. Blake was the most wonderful person in my life and soon he might be out of it. Knowing that was gut-wrenching. He has done so much for me – and what have I really done for him? By far not enough. I wanted to do more than just repay him; I wanted to make him happy. After all, I might not have the chance to after this trip.
That was something that lingered in my mind. My desire to show him a fun time, surprise him, show him how special he was... it pushed aside my dread. There was nothing I could do to change what might happen, but until we return home, I could make him smile. Weirdly, that filled me with motivation.
So tomorrow, I wouldn't think or contemplate anything like I did today. We would have a fun day because that's what he deserved. But... what was there to do around here? How could I thank him for everything? It's not like one single thing could, but I was confident I could come up with something.
I stayed outside for a long while, going in circles about everything. I had to imagine Blake headed to bed by now. However, when I finally headed inside, I saw that wasn't exactly the case. The lights were off, but thanks to the blue hue illuminating from the windows, I was able to see Blake sleeping on the large couch. Though he gave me my space today, I had a feeling he was out here waiting for me.
Standing across the room, I took him in. His arm was dangling off the side and his knee was bent. The couch pillow supported his cheek and disheveled wavy hair. I couldn't help but quietly near him and kneel down next to him. I took in the details: the shape of his eyebrows, where they bent at the ends. His freckles, thick facial hair covering most of them, his strong arms in a loose white tee.... I didn't want to lose these details. I didn't want to lose him, but my pain didn't matter, he did.
Blinking away my watering eyes, I shifted my knees to the side and propped my hand against the floor. For how gorgeous the valley was, I preferred this peaceful view in front of me. There was nothing but his soft breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall.
His arm was hanging off the side of the couch, and I couldn't help but gingerly grasp his wrist and rest it against his chest. He didn't wake – and it encouraged me to scoot closer and gently cup the side of his sleeping face. It felt so nice, those wiry thick hairs, the warmth of his jaw. I had to smile. I might lose him, I might not. Regardless, I thankfully had until the end of this trip to show him a good time like he deserved.
And I knew exactly what to do.
After draping a blanket over him, about to head up to bed... my eye caught a map on the coffee table and I grabbed it. It was a map displaying the walking trails, fishing piers, and the roads within a few miles of here. I couldn't ignore the block of land cut off from everything – 'Wilkerson's Ranch' was written over it. Considering Blake once worked on a ranch, and missed it quite a bit... that would definitely qualify as a good surprise for him.
It was especially a good idea when I secretly called the owner early the next morning and got some information. It was a private ranch, but the owner sounded more than happy to have some visitors. She said they had horses, cows, chickens, and goats – and a lot of work if we were interested in the full experience. None of that sounded like my cup of tea, but it was definitely his! Man, he was going to love this.
***
"I'm almost scared."
"What do you mean?" I smirked.
"I mean I've never seen you happily get up this early and drag me outside just to go for a walk."
"I can't be excited to go for a walk?"
"Not this early and not when it's already 85 degrees."
I understood why he was suspicious. By 6:30 this morning, I was dressed in my most nature-appropriate clothes and dragged him into the already hot sun after we quickly ate. Ugh, I couldn't imagine how much worse the heat would be later – and while surrounded in farm-stank. Regardless, nothing could defeat my chipper mood (which probably seemed weird too since yesterday I wasn't exactly the happiest person).
He continued giving me amused and suspicious glances as we walked along the hilly road. Our crunching tennis-shoes against the gravel and the soft breeze offered peaceful background music. Eventually, the trees started to thin, displaying more open fields. After maybe 20 minutes, a long driveway on our left had a sign. 'Wilkerson's Ranch' came into sight. Jesus, it was about time. The hot sun made each second feel like an hour.
The driveway we were nearing led downhill to a large flat plot of land with a white farm-house in the distance. There was a barn and other small structures behind it – one supporting a fenced area with horses. I could only imagine how much more we would see when we get down there. God, I was excited to completely blow Blake's mind.
"Pretty, isn't it?" he asked, nodding down to the ranch. "Never met the owners, but I guess the local markets really rely on them."
"Really?"
"Mhmm."
"You must really miss that kind of thing, huh?"
"Yeah. Working on a ranch was dirty and hard work but taking care of the animals, riding the horses, made it worth it."
Once we reached the driveway, I nonchalantly turned down it while he continued on the road. "Hey, you coming?" I called behind me, trying to hide a smile.
He stopped and turned. "Ruth. That's a private ranch."
"Uh-huh."
"I'm serious, it's a private ranch."
"Well, today it can be a public ranch."
Seeing me continue further down the driveway, he caught up to me and pulled me to a stop. He didn't have to bother asking what was up; his question was in his raised brows and small amused smile.
Unable to hide my smile, searching his eyes, I shrugged innocently. "I have it on good authority that the owners are expecting us today."
"What?"
Wiping a bead of sweat from my forehead, I proudly crossed my arms. "We have free rein here today to check out the ranch and all the animals – as long as we do some chores. Which I figured was right up your alley."
It was clear he had more questions, but his widening white smile and warm eyes overpowered it. "And you actually want to be here? You are going to be smelling animal shit all day, you know that?"
"Don't remind me. But I came prepared," I said, gesturing down at myself. I was wearing the plainest clothes I packed: a black tank-top, jean shorts, and tennis-shoes. "I even only put on foundation, eyeliner, and mascara, so I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
That suspicious glint returned and it made me want to laugh. He really just could not believe I was okay with this. That I woke up early, in this heat, just to spend my day at stinky ranch. Sure, I was not all that excited for it. What I was excited for though was him having a good time, and as long as I'm with him, I could get through it.
Of course, that was before we continued down the driveway and the stench hit just a few yards from the house.
"Holy fuck," I breathed, covering my nose and stopping in place. "Oh... Oh fuck me."
"I missed this smell."
"I know, right? It smells... oh man, that smells so good," I mumbled, earning a chuckle.
***
I was in a foreign land with no clue how to function. The only thing I was good at was picking up the eggs laid by the chickens (and chatting it up with the nice couple that owned this place). When it came to everything else... I wasn't exactly a natural. I could hardly lift the bags of feed, I could not rake out the stalls full of pig shit without gagging, and I absolutely did not make friends with the llamas. By the way, I did absolutely nothing to provoke them; one just started changing me after we fed them. It didn't help that I was drenched in sweat, surrounded in smelly air, and no doubt looked awful – and it wasn't even 11:00 yet.
Despite the shitty things, it was a good time, simply because I was with Blake. It was crazy just how smoothly he was able to do pretty much everything. He needed no direction for anything (and I was honestly quite impressed).
After he fed the goats – and I spent most the time petting them – it was time for the cows. Blake herded them towards the barn where he then lined them up in these weird stalls. Then, trying not to flinch at the large cows sudden movements, Blake showed me how to milk them. Yes, milk them.
He sat on a little stool while handling the cow's udders. Each tug sprayed milk into the bucket he place under it. It looked so damn gross... but so did a lot of what he already showed me today. I mean nothing could really be worse than raking out piles of horse shit.
"Come on, sit down," he said, moving off the stool and allowing me to sit.
Dear god. How the fuck am I going to do this? The large cow was two inches in front of me when I cautiously sat down. Crouching next to me, he chuckled. "It's okay. Grab the udders.... Go on, they won't bite."
I refrained from asking for gloves. Cringing, I grabbed one of the udders above the bucket. "I feel like I am violating him."
"Why?"
I just stared my hand around one of the udders. "It reminds me of a dick."
"I should really hope not. Now, stop stalling."
I sighed and did as he instructed, starting from the top and squeezing slightly as I moved down. It took a few tries... until suddenly, milk hit the bucket in a fast narrow stream. "Oh wow," I said, surprised I actually did it.
"Good job."
I did it again a few times. "This isn't that bad I guess. This has to be done every day?"
"Yeah, usually two or three times."
"Per day?" I asked, glancing up to him with wide eyes.
"Yep."
"Jesus," I said, moving onto the next udder.
"Yeah, it's time consuming. That's why these people were more than willing to have us for today. They are low on ranch-hands and could use any help right now," he chuckled.
"Damn, I could have probably suckered some money out of them and didn't even ask."
Once I finished, I sat back and met his eyes. From all he's already done, he was absolutely filthy. His plaid tee, black khakis, and strong arms were covered in dust and dirt. Some stuck to his damp face and hair from all the sweat (believe me, there was a lot for hot god awful hot it was out). Yet despite the heat and our stinky surroundings... it made me want him more. His knowledge of everything, his dirty body, and seeing how much enthusiasm he had for it all, it made my heart flutter.
He could see that fluttered through my eyes. The corner of his lip tilted up more and he leaned in closer to my face, offering a flirtatious, "What?"
I shyly bit my smile. "Nothing."
"Come on, what?"
"Nothing, mountain man."
"Mountain man, huh? Is that my new name, city-girl?"
"I'm not a city-girl," I defended, leaning closer. "I just milked the shit out of this cow."
"And your make-up is kind of smudged."
Ugh, of course it was. "Where?" I sighed, raising a clean part of my palm to the corner of my eyes to check.
Humming in amusement, he stood up and we moved to the next cow. I didn't bother asking where my make-up was smudged; it didn't matter soon enough. By the time we finished with the cows, the sun faded away by intruding dark clouds. Then, while walking to the horse stable on the other side of the property, it started down-pouring. Since I already looked like shit, and felt like one of the sweaty pigs that already lived here, I didn't mind one bit.
Thankfully, the rain didn't last long. Blake was insanely anxious to ride the horses. After finding out he once to work on a ranch, the owners trusted him enough to leave some saddles in the barn.
While he was excited, I was more scared. Entering the barn, ignoring the sharp scent of shit, the first thing I noticed was how large the horses were. How in the hell do people get up on them?
Blake made it look simple. After putting a saddle on Tamika – the horse we were told was easiest to ride – he used the foothold and just... got on, straddling it's back like it was nothing. Again, it just made him more desirable as stupid as that sounds. I loved how simply he was able to do physical things like that. Especially when to me they were extremely challenging....
"Come on, you got it," he said, hand in mine as I attempted to get up... for the fourth fucking time.
"Look, it's just... you are so high up."
"Oh my god, I'm not, it's the equivalent height of a pool ladder."
"What a dumb comparison," I scoffed.
"No dumber than failing a million times at the simplest thing."
"Hey, the horse keeps moving on me."
"What a dumb excuse."
Eyes meeting in amusement, I grasped his hand again and wedged my shoe in the firm holster. This time, he yanked harder, allowing me to – just barely and awkwardly – rise up and swing my leg over. Immediately, I was grateful I did it, but it was replaced with worry. I didn't care what anyone said; this felt high up to me and I quickly grabbed his sides. Plus, the saddle was meant for two people, but it was stupid uncomfortable and very small. My lower half ached just thinking about being in motion.
"I'm scared for you to move," I sighed, adjusting myself on the hard saddle.
"You won't fall, I promise," he said, stroking the horse's neck before grabbed the reins.
"It's not just that. This thing is going to beat the shit out of my vagina," I mumbled.
He bumped his heel against her side, prompting the horse to trot slowly out of the barn. "Well, maybe that's something you should learn to get use to."
I blushed at his words that caused butterflies to erupt in my chest. "You have no idea what I'm use to, mister."
Blake craned his head back towards me. "Really now?"
I rested my chin against on his shoulder, meeting his eyes in close range. "That's right."
I watched Blake's blue eyes melt in mine, even making his shoulders sag slightly. I could see just how much he adored me right then. And that level of warmth... it made me hold him tighter to me. Unable to take his beautiful and overwhelming eyes, I rested my head on his back and just smiled as we bobbed along. God, I was so in love with this guy....
Tamika walked along the metal green fence, nearing a huge field of patchy grass and mud from the rain. Once we reached it, Blake gave her a gentle kick again, making her trot faster. The mud from the rain splashed up from her hooves, splashing our legs a little. And with the air brushing our faces... it was so freeing.
We rode her across the field a few times. Until Blake pulled the reins, bringing us to a stop. "Alright, your turn." The guy got off the horse and patted the front of the saddle. "Scoot up – gently so you don't startle her – and take the reins."
What the hell? Yeah, as if I had all the experience in the word! I just stared at him, stunned by his easy-going suggestion. "Um... this isn't like driving your ATV, okay? This is a horse," I said, cringing as Tamika neighed and backed up a few feet (you know, since she was a living animal)! "Okay, nope, can't do it."
"You can. I will be here with you, teaching you."
Ugh, why was it so easy to give into him? I sighed and scooted up. "If I fall off this moving skyscraper and die... it's on you."
Grabbing the saddle, he effortlessly hoisted himself back up, this time behind me. "Right, because you are so high up. Now, this is what you need to know. To slow down, you pull the reins back tightly. It will force her to slow down – that's the most important thing. To direct her to the left, you pull the rein on the left, and same thing with the right. That's about it."
"What do you mean that's it? She didn't come with a manual or something?"
"Relax, it's fine," he said, nudging her side gently.
The graceful girl was in motion, making me take a deep breath. It certainly helped feeling Blake's strong hands on my hips. She continued at a smooth trot, eventually reaching the fence at the end of the property. So, I gradually pulled left and leaned slightly, making her turn and walk along the edge. That's right; I was already a pro.
The house and barn in the distance left us with plenty of space. It made me feel a bit more confident when Blake suggested I nudge her with my heel to add a little speed. Once I did, she was immediately off at a faster pace. It made me smile; I wasn't too bad. The air brushed my face, making me feel weirdly accomplished.
However, this fun and freeing state didn't last.
Tamika was galloping towards the other side of the property, nearing the fence. "Okay, pull a bit. Pull to slow her down," Blake said from behind me.
I did just that, pulling the reins to help Tamika slow down. Even though she slowed... it wasn't slow enough by the time the fence was a few yards ahead. Tugging left, she turned too sharply, and it was too fast – for Blake away. I felt his hands slip from my hips and his chest against my back disappeared.
Eyes wide, I looked behind me just in time to see his side hit the ground and him grunt. Fuck Pulling Tamika to a stop, I struggled to the ground, and raced over to him. Jesus, hopefully he was okay! Falling to my knees next to him, he sprawled himself onto his back with a permanent wince on his face.
"Are you okay? Oh my god, can you move?"
Head resting against a mix of grass and mud, his eyes squinted up to me. "Yeah, I'm fine. That just hurt like a bitch."
"Are you sure?"
"It's just going to leave one hell of a bruise."
"You don't know that. Fuck, it could be worse, come on, try to move."
"Really, I'm fine," he chuckle, cringing as he sat up.
"What about your head? Did you hit your head?" I said, cupping it gingerly.
"Ruth," he said gently, removing my hand and holding it. Making me meet his eyes, he smiled amusingly. "Look at me. I'm alright. Stop worrying."
Searching his eyes, seeing he really was okay... I let out a sigh of relief. With the initial panic out of the way, I took in the mud that was caked against his right side. There were a few spots on the side of his head and face too. It only added to how dirty we already were with all the sweat, dust, and dirt that covered us. Finding his eyes again, I couldn't help but shyly smile. Despite it all... I wanted to wrap myself against him and just kiss his sweet lips. Seeing the warmth, the depth in his blue eyes, I was able to see he wanted the same thing too.
"You worry too much, Ruth," he said softly, squeezing my hand.
"I can't help it. And I'm really sorry I didn't have better control over Tamika."
"Don't be sorry, it was worth it, I'm going to have the most kick-ass bruise you've ever seen."
Chuckling, I stood up and helped his rise too. There was more playing in his eyes, more I feel he wanted to share, but he was content. He was happy just like I was in this moment. And that's what I felt this was about. Just living in the moment, having today, and being with each other.
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Hey guys! This was a fun one to write (even though it took forever). Usually its working that keeps me away from writing, but it's honestly been a really rough month. There has just been a lot going on with my family and it's been rough on me emotionally. Nothing that terrible, so don't worry too much, many people have it worse. But that is why it's just been taking me a lot of time to get things done. I know you guys are all so supportive so I appreciate that I'm sure you all understand.
I hope this new year will be better overall! And I hope to post more frequently; I actually do try haha sometimes life just gets in the way but that's okay. Things will always get better :)