Naomi Black
Today marks twelve years.
Twelve years since I walked in on my dead mother.
Twelve years with no immediate family other than my grandparents.
I was always so envious of everyone because they had their parents along the way. I didn't though. I would never tell Finn and Caden but their family made me so jealous. Why couldn't my parents do something for me? It was Ben's choice to cheat on Karla and to have me. It was my mother's choice to keep me. So why couldn't they do what they had to do?
I wouldn't have to relive the memories if they would've just stepped up.
And that's the saddest part.
I felt the loneliest when I was with my friends and their parents. I could only imagine what their life was like growing up. Finn and Caden had annual family photoshoots- they would complain about it. But little did they know, it was killing me to not have what they were complaining about.
The idea of having a family- a mom and dad.
I craved it more than I craved a better life. I would have rather settled with less than continued another day knowing that I never had family photoshoots. I never had both sets of parents to tuck me into bed at night.
All of my friends' parents were my parents. I would go over to their house's sleepover, and then I would wake up with the dreadful future of going home to one parent, not both.
However, my grandparents were my safety blanket.
When my phone rang this morning, it wasn't unexpected to me. They always called to check up on me. Despite her not being their blood daughter, they knew that she was more of a father to me than their blood son ever was.
"Hey, kid. How are you doing?" Grandpa spoke. I felt the tears build but of course, I wouldn't let them shred. Why would I? It's been twelve years. It was her selfish choice.
A selfish choice that left me stranded.
Feeling lonelier than any kid should have ever felt. Somehow her ruining her own life, killing herself- was a lot more deadlier to me than it ever was to her. And she was six feet under.
I swallowed before responding, "I've been doing good. School is going good and the girls are doing great. How are you guys?" I knew he wasn't going to let it go.
"Did he call yet?" He spoke.
"No. He didn't. Are we surprised though Grandpa?" I said unfazed.
He never called.
"I'm sorry Naomi. So sorry." He spoke and I didn't respond. How do I respond to my father not even calling or sending a text to check on me on my mothers' death anniversary?
"Grandma and I are doing good, we're just worried about you. Is school going well? Did you get everything sorted out with the bank?" He continued.
"Yes. The loan was twenty." I replied. "Twenty what?" He questioned.
Oh god, here we go.
"Twenty Thousand..." I said quietly.
That was the thing. College was so forced on students it was normal to go broke trying to succeed to society's standards. If you didn't come out of college without being nearly $80,000 down the drain then you simply didn't choose the right career path.
"Twenty Thousand more dollars in student fucking loans! Are you kidding me! Elizabeth! Twenty thousand dollars! I'll tell you what our idiot son was a millionaire. Absolute bullshit. When I see him, I'm gonna ring his fucking neck! I might be eighty but this is absolute bullshit, Lizzie!" He yells on the phone.
Yes, grandpa we know.
I deserved better. I deserved so much more. But while others got to live off of state funding, I lived off of nothing. I worked my ass off during the summertime and saved up enough money for books and then my apartment. If Sloane, Natalie, and Finn weren't always shoving their money down my throat- I wouldn't be able to go out and live the life we live on campus either.
"Hey guys, I have to get back to studying! Put those twenty thousand to work you know! I love you both." I said to both of them. I was rushing my words out, my palms were becoming clammy as I felt a panic attack coming on.
"We love you too sweetie. We're sorry. If we could help you we would, my love. I'm sorry." My grandma said. Of course they would, but I would never accept it.
"Bye." And I hung up the phone.
I walk every single day where my dad walked. I'm living the life now that he lived at Penn State, and I can still never see myself abandoning everything that I've ever known for drugs. That's what happens when you become too obsessed with yourself.
I'm currently $82,000 in student debt.
It's only my second year.
I still have to go two more for my bachelor of science in nursing. However, I was working in a special program that allowed me to get my nursing license at a two year pace. I would work while I was still in college so I could pay off the years.
Maybe go a few more for my masters, if I can afford it.
I could afford it though. If my dad wasn't such an idiot. Even if he had the money now, I wouldn't take it. If he was a good dad, I would. I'm in between him owing me everything or him owing me nothing.
I can't sit in this room anymore or I'll lose my mind.
I need to go for a walk.
The girls know what today is, they have got me coffee and an endless supply of California rolls with spicy mayo.
Throwing on a comfy outfit and a comfy pair of shoes I head out the apartment door and I'm off on my walk.
"You okay kiddo?" I jump.
Caden.
I nodded, "Yeah just bad cramps. Going for a walk. See ya later?" He nodded and entered my apartment. Caden doesn't know anything, the only people that know are the girls, and I would like to keep it that way.
It's embarrassing to know that you could have better but you didn't get the better that you deserved.