things are looking up, now that draco had blaise and theo by his side— nearly at all times. i hardly find him working alone in our room. half the time, he's given up and let's blaise pitch in (even if it's just to hold his book or look something up for him). but me, i'm not allowed near any of the work. i'm strictly in charge of food runs and keeping away the nightmares.
which, by all means, i'm fine with. i'd rather not kill my headmaster— but i wish i was doing more.
"you're doing the most of any of us, y/n." theo says reassuringly, patting my shoulder as we clean up the room. blaise has went off to bed already, planning to meet up with some seventh year in the astronomy tower ("good for you, mate!" theo grinned when blaise exited), and draco's dozed off in our bed, in the middle of his reading.
"i suppose..." i sigh, turning away to pick up some journals strewn across the floor. "feels like i'm just most in the clear though—"
"obviously. he wouldn't put you in danger in a million years." theo chuckles slightly, and i hear him plop onto the couch behind me. "speaking of— um— i wanted to mention something to you."
"yeah?" i put down the books i'm holding onto to draco's desk, turning slowly to face theo.
he bites in his cheek, looks around the room, and the. refocuses. "in regards to the whole... keeping you safe thing. draco has to— well, he..." theo clears his throat, "he learnt occlumency, you see—"
"i know." i say accusatorially. i hate it when blaise and theo act like they know ever so much more than i do. arrogant pricks sometimes, those two.
"oh! you do then, okay." theo nibbles at his lip again, and then looks back at me. "you know what he used it for?"
"hide where his loyalties lie, i guess? so voldemort doesn't see he isn't... trying his hardest to win." i muse, realizing he never real did explain his occlumency in detail to me.
"sort of." theo says slowly. "he... he hides you. in his mind, i mean. all the memories of you he just— tucks away. so voldemort can't see them."
"oh." i furrow my brow, "like snogging and stuff? because i wouldn't want voldemort seeing that either—"
"no, like... everything." theo looks at my seriously, and i feel my heart drop to my stomach. it twists slightly, and i nod in understanding, urging him to continue.
"well, it was mainly his mums idea. if— if voldemort knows about you, he'll use you as leverage, you know? like, cissa's used against lucius all the time— voldemort's always saying lucius should work if he wants to protect his wife." theo averts his eyes, and i watch as i remember how much of the war he's had to experience too— what with his dad and all.
"same goes for draco, if voldemort knew he had you. all the threats would be about..." theo shuffles his feet, "you know."
killing me. ah. right. splendid. that's just fucking splendid.
i give a small nod, letting out a slow breath.
"and... he probably won't warn you, or want to talk about it— knowing him—" theo's twists his hands together, clearly getting uncomfortable with serious conversation, "but he'll have to start building up those walls again soon— boxing you in— in preparation for the holidays. and— well.... he might just, not be himself, that's all." theo looks back at me, probably praying i understand so he won't have to keep talking. "he'll forget a lot... about you... while he's got you tucked away and just— please, don't... blame him for it? i dunno." theo sighs, looking back down at his lap.
"sure, yeah." is all i manage to choke out, feeling my eyes prick slightly. with a shaky breath, i look over at the bed— and draco curled up in it. he looks peaceful as ever, hugging a pillow and a book resting open in one hand. and he's going to forget me— just for a bit, just for my safety— but i'm sure it'll hurt nonetheless.
"but, he'll remember!" theo's smiling now, hopefully. "he boxed you away this summer, and it all came back just fine. no need to fret."
i look back at him with a small, but encouraging smile, silently thanking him for being there for draco— and being there for me.
"holidays already." i sigh, turning back to the desk to tidy up. "can hardly believe how quick they came."
"tell me about it." theo chuckles, back into his normal, upbeat mood.
"got any plans?" i ask casually, trying to bring back up the room.
"nah." i look back at him, and he's shrugging, a small frown on his face. "staying here."
"oh..." i furrow my brow, "um... why's that?"
theo blinks his eyes a couple times, turns back at me with a funny look, and then gives an odd, strangled laugh. "i'm an orphan, y/l/n, remember? dad's in prison, mum's dead— don't got many other places to go, have i?"
oh.
shit.
i— how could i forget something like that.
"oh, jesus, theo i'm—"
"please, don't say you're sorry." he rolls his eyes, smiling widely, "not you're fault dad's a screw up and it sure isn't your fault that mum caught dragonpox when i was nine." he shrugs it off, turning back to the fireplace.
"right." i nod, "sorry— i mean, not sorry— for that, just— shit, theo. i mean sorry for trying to apologize."
by the end of it, we're both laughing at my inability to form a coherent sentence, and everything feels fine again. i make my way over to the couch, plunking down next to him and resting my head against the back of the sofa.
"can i ask... where you were all summer? i mean, you were safe, right?"
he laughs, "safe?" he looks over at me, eyebrows raised, "i stayed at the malfoy's. cissa wouldn't let me stay in my family manor alone." he frowns, turning away quickly. "and i'm not going back there. horrible, horrible place. i used to quite like it, i guess, when we were kids. but, with all the death eaters— and, and jesus, with him." he shivers, shutting his eyes and letting his head fall back on the couch, knocking against mine. "never again." he says, just above a whisper, and i can tell he's recalling a memory i don't wish to know about.
"i'm..." i stop myself from saying anymore 'sorrys', and just sigh. "you can always stay at my place, nott, if you need." i offer up, biting at my cheek nervously. "plenty of room, and mum likes as much company as possible now that dad's gone."
"really?" he says, seeming quite in shock.
"yeah, of course." i nod slightly, and i feel my shift next to me, so i look up. he's grinning the biggest grin i've ever seen.
"you're an angel, y/l/n." he beams, looking like a might burst at any moment. "i— i don't want to impose—"
"nonsense. come for christmas if you'd like. i know no one else is really at staying here, wouldn't want you all alone."
"you're joking." his mouth gapes, and i see the excitement grow.
"no! i promise you!"
"and your mum won't mind?" he furrows his brow, looking extremely worried.
"i'll owl her in the morning, but i'm positive—"
"thank you, y/n, thank you so much."
and then he's hugging me, so, so tightly. his head his buried in my shoulder and his arms are squeezing me so passionately i can hardly breath. i think i hear soft sniffling too, evidence of how moving this is for him. i return the gesture, wrapping my arms around him best i can as his own embrace restrains me.
"absolute angel, you are— i swear it. i can't believe you, y/l/n—"
"hope i'm not breaking anything up."
theo suddenly stills in my arms, and pulls away in a second to lift his head, staring over my shoulder. draco's awake.
"hey, sleepy head, i was just—"
"leaving?" draco drawls from behind me, not even giving theo the chance to explain. it's a hug for god's sake—
i turn over my shoulder, reaching out for theo's arm to hold him in place. no way i'm letting him leave like this. not a chance in hell i'm letting draco and theo have some stupid fight over a misunderstanding.
"i was just telling theo that my manor is open to him for christmas, if he likes, seeing at hogwarts will be pretty glum and he'll be all alone." i raise my eyebrow, staring draco dead in the eyes. "not a problem, right?"
draco takes a very, very deep breath. his jaw stays firm as his eyes look past me to theo, who i'm sure is giving just as firm of a glare back. to egotistical, both of them, for their own good.
"yeah. not a problem." draco finally gets out.
"good." i nod, spinning back to face theo. "i should be going to bed now, so—"
"yeah, course." theo nods, getting up quickly. "goodnight, thanks again." he stays formal with me, picking up his school things and walking to the door. as he reaches it, he looks back at draco, and his expression softens. "wish i could spend christmas at yours, mate. you know i love it there."
"you love my mum."
"yeah, yeah i do." theo grins, and then clears his throat. "but— um— you're alright, too." he nods, saying what needed to be said in his own way— and draco almost lets himself smile.
"night, nott." he fights back the happiness, i can tell.
"yeah, night, malfoy." he turns on his heel, and walks out of the door, still seeming a bit antsy from the whole incident.
so am i, and therefore i take a minute before cautiously turning back over my shoulder to look at draco.
he's standing up out of bed, clambering for pajamas he had neglected to change into earlier.
"alright, draco?" i ask quietly, not engaging to poke the bear.
he doesn't answer for a minute, letting his button-down fall off his arms and changing into plaid pajama pants before turning to me, running a hand through his hair with a sigh, and then speaking.
it's awfully hard to focus on his words when he looks the way he does, but i try my best.
"you and nott have gotten close." he scowls slightly, and i can hear his foot tapping against the ground.
"oh, draco, not this—"
"no, no!" he almost shouts, looking exasperated, "not like that it—" he groans, rolling his eyes and looking at the ceiling. "i'm glad you are." he stays looking away from my eyes, which i know means he's going to say something out of character. "he... fuck, do i have to say this?"
i chuckle softly, and he looks down at me with a smile, his face instantly softening.
"you both mean a lot to me, and i'm glad you get on well." he rolls his lips together, embarrassed by the confession.
but there's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. his soft, emotional side is sometimes what i like best about him. i wish he'd show it more often.
"just don't get on too well." he purposefully hardens his face and makes his tone more serious. "tearful hugs are for me only. i get exclusive rights to emotional breakthroughs."
i laugh under my breath, biting back my lip as he laughs too. he slowly walks over to me, scooping me up under the arms and lifting me from the couch.
"any major emotional trauma you need sorted tonight?" i raise my brow, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck as i rest my head against his chest.
"oh... the usual." he sighs, head resting heavily against mine and arms hugging me against him. "absent father, cold childhood, parental pressure." he shrugs, "murderous aunt, raging lunatic for a boss—" i laugh against his chest, and his arms tighten around me. "think we can focus on getting my friends to stop hitting on my mum?"
"don't think it's possible." i giggle, lifting my chin to look at him. "cissa's gorgeous."
he huffs, and almost laughs, trying not to smile at me. "don't you start with this whole 'cissa' nonsense too."
i grin, reaching to press my lips to his lightly. he leans in, searching for more, but i pull back after a second and smile.
"i mean, i see where you get you're good looks from. if cissa was our age—"
"stop. stop, my ears—" he groans loudly, but he's laughing on the inside, i can tell. and his hands are slightly looser and more relaxed as his head circles back, rolling along with his eyes.
i laugh loudly, holding my hands to his chest now to feel the slight rise and fall as he starts to laugh along with me.
"don't get me started on lucius—"
"too far." he shakes his head, but he's still smiling. "nearly punched blaise the first— and last— time he made that joke."
"what! you look just like him—!" i exclaim, still laughing loudly as draco pulls away, shaking his head with a grin and climbing into bed.
"you can join me when you start complimenting me instead of my parents!" he teases, tucking his head under the covers and hugging my pillow as a surrogate for me.
"guess i'll be on the couch then..." i sigh loudly, starting to turn on my heels.
"no..." he mumbles, reaching his hand to catch my wrist and spin me back to him. i yelp, landing on the bed beside him. i smile down at him, giving a quick kiss on the check before i stand up slowly.
"let me just change up."
he smiles, nodding his head lazily before nuzzling back into the pillow.
will i still have this? when he 'forgets' me... like theo says? how many days will i have to sleep without him? will i have to return to the dorm? will he— shit, will he have the nightmares?
it's all too much to consider, so i just throw on pajamas (which now consist of my vast collection of draco's shirts and boxers) and move next to him in bed. i pull the pillow away, replacing it with myself.
i curl myself against him, pressing my head to his chest and trying to savor every moment of him, trying to remember the pattern of his breath and the smell of his hair— in case the occlumency is going to start tomorrow, without any further warning.
one of his arms is beneath my neck, splayed across the bed behind me. his other rests on my waist, pulling me against him as if we already aren't close enough.
he must be doing it soon. he must be trying to savor this too.
i feel his lips brush against my hair, pressing a kiss onto my forehead before resting his chin over me.
"i love you." he says quietly and with a yawn, already starting to drift away.
"and i love lucius and cissa." i smirk into his shoulder, and he slaps my hip lightly— only getting me to laugh.
"love you too." i mumble, adjusting myself so i can stare up at him, watching his face relax into a smile and eyelids close— looking peaceful as ever once again.
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happy new year's eve!!! hope everyone is doing well :)
i finished my gossip girl marathon— 6 seasons in two weeks. very intense and very worth it
vote/comment/share <3