One of the most important decisions one probably needs to do is choosing the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
During my naive teen years, I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about my future with my then long term (almost 4 years) boyfriend. This imagination is not only limited to the wedding itself or just having kids, it stretches all the way to dying together in a bench by the seaside facing the sunset. I was in love, or rather clueless. I was young and stupid. I didn't know how real life goes. I didn't know that there were more important things that I should focus on. I've had my fair share of laughter and butterflies in my stomach, those that just suddenly makes you smile in the middle of the night. But I've also had plenty of heartaches, tears and trying to force myself to sleep with a heavy heart. Even if I did experience both happiness and pain in that relationship, only the bad experiences continued to live within me. That may be a reason why I don't find myself craving for a man. When I finally broke out of the toxic relationship, I had found myself uninterested or maybe scared in trying again.
It had been 8 years and I have not been in any relationship since then. My family says it's time to try again. I'm not getting younger after all. I am now 27. Most of my friends are now married or at least in a stable relationship. This is the perfect time for me to get married myself. Even I myself think that I should probably start thinking about settling down. The problem is thatI think I have enjoyed the freedom of being single too much that I don't think I'm ready to let go of it yet. Eight years of being single and I never had to worry about anyone else but myself. There were no heartbreaks, no heavy chests, no tears. I honestly even cringe at people who do PDA. Everyone says that I need someone to make me feel loved. So I got myself a dog and it has yet been the best decision I have ever had. Dogs return the amount of love that you give them. They won't hurt you, they will always be right beside you when you need them. I have found love and happiness in my dogs that I don't think any human can give me and I'm fairly satisfied with it.
And then comes this person who I can call one of my constants. My first boyfriend. My "the one that got away". He comes at me like he always does for the past years and for the first time in 8 years, I wanted to give it a try. I did not have a concrete reason why. Like, I was seriously trying to consider 'what if' with him. I tried keeping up with the communication even if it is one of the hardest things for me to maintain. I enjoyed talking to him, honestly. I thought there may be a chance if I just keep the pace, if I just give it a chance. But apparently, just as I have thought, there will always be drama when you involve yourself with other people. Such fluctuations in my life are what I am trying to avoid. I don't want a Romeo and Juliet kind of life or a whirlwind romance experience. I want an easy life and that's what I was hoping for when I decided to give it a whirl. But then nothing will ever be easy. Not everything will go according our way which is why I limit my decisions for myself and for my family. I don't want to worry about any other people. Though I already know that, I just don't think I'm going to try too hard for something I'm not even sure of. And just like that, I snapped back to reality- that I am not cut off for that kind of life. I am perfectly fine with my life, alone even if some may find it really boring. I don't think I'll be a good girlfriend ever. Apparently, just imagining myself with a guy is already cringey for me. I honestly feel like I have become allergic to the concept of being in a relationship. Maybe I am just overreacting and I really wish I am but no. I really can't see myself growing up with a man like other people. I see myself living as an old, single woman, retired, just sitting around in my own home with dogs around me while I'm finally doing the thing I love the most which is writing. That's the kind of life I am aiming to have.
Maybe I really have enjoyed being single and the freedom that comes with it too much. Maybe I'm not happy to welcome someone who may potentially distort my life. Maybe I am just scared that I may lose my peace and quiet. Or maybe I'm not ready yet or I just really don't want to try. I really love the life that I have right now and I don't want anything to change. But who ever knows? There're tons of possibilities that can happen. Maybe someday someone will change the way I see things and make me willingly risk everything. Or maybe this is really how things would go for me. Either, or, for now, this is how I want things to be. I won't let my age rush me. Life is so far ahead and I'll take my time to stroll through it.
