I remember lying in bed one night pleading my brain to get rid of the nightly thoughts that has been constantly making me anxious thus preventing me from sleeping.
I remember forcing my eyes shut trying to think of only happy thoughts, like my dog who has already arrived at dreamland hours before me, but that didn't work. Instead, that made me more restless than I already was.
All my life, I never imagined that there would come a day when I would worry about money. Not that I have loads but because I've always been with my parents and I never thought I would need to worry about it ever.
But, when I graduated, passed the boards and landed my first job, I finally got a sense of responsibility especially when I decided to get a dog right after I resigned. In addition to that, quarter life crisis really just hits me with loads and loads of realities. I felt incredibly useless and pathless. I didn't know where my life was headed. I didn't where I'm gonna go, I feel like I wasn't doing anything. I felt like a piece of crap and that would haunt me every single day.
Days have passed, and so has my bank account savings. I have been unemployed for more than 2 years and I know for sure that whatever is left of what I had saved will not last me any longer. How will I feed my dogs? How will I help my mom? What will I say to the people who are constantly asking me how am I doing?
Everybody expected so much from me. Everyone in my high school thought that I would be that person who would achieve so much in life. But I felt like I was a disappointment. But I needed to keep going. The pandemic has frozen my application as well as my dreams but I kept clinging unto it. I didn't let go of the dream and hoped that one day I will wake up and it will all turn out better.
Day after day, night after night, I was just clinging on to a thin rope.
And then one day, I opened my groggy eyes, my body was heavy. I felt like I had slept for 48 straight hours. I felt sore all over my muscles. I was in a different bed, an uncomfortable one which my body was not used to. There was no dog beside me, and there was no sunlight even though I was so sure it was already morning. I took my phone and opened it, it was half an hour past 7 in the morning. I stood up to open the blinds of the unfamiliar room I was in. It was dark outside. I opened the window crack a little and a gush of cold air hit my face that made me shiver. But it felt nice, it felt good inside. Slowly and slowly it dawned on me. I wasn't at home anymore. I am a thousand miles away from home.
Snow started to fall. I ran out even with all the pain I felt all over my body. It was so cold but it was so beautiful. The snowflakes really looked like the ones in picture if you look at them up close. I called home and showed them the fiasco I was enjoying. They were so happy as well. That made me smile.
When I started on my first job, my heart was so heavy to leave home even if it was just a 4 hour bus ride away. I would cry every day thinking what have I gotten myself into. I used to go to the bathroom in the ward every chance I get just to cry. Everyday then, I would have thoughts of quitting but I painfully held on for 3 years. This time, I feel so different. I was standing in that garden while snow was pouring above me and my family was on the phone with me and I felt so free and excited for my life. It didn't matter that I was a thousand miles away from home. Even when I had to say goodbye, I only shed a tear or two but we all parted happily. This is a new beginning for me, something that I feel like I would actually not regret.
Four months in, and I've been having a blast. There are a few bumps here and there but it is all a part of it. Just recently, I've conquered the greatest hurdle that I have been preparing for since I started this journey. I am now a registered nurse in the United Kingdom, and man does it feel good. Everything just gets better from here. I have been able to provide for my family in the Philippines, everything they need, their bills, their food, even their luxuries while being able to save for myself. The most important of all is that I don't have to worry about the food of my dogs and their health because money isn't an issue anymore. Now, because I love dogs so much and I feel like I could do more, we have adopted stray dogs to give them home. Even if I am not with them, I feel like I'm doing something great just providing for them.
I am loving everything in London so far. I love the weather. I always dreamt of living in a place that is almost always cold, raining or dark. I love gloomy weathers. I love the parks. I love walking around when I never liked walking before. I love wearing coats, since I don't really have a fashion sense, I can clearly cover it. I love the people I am with, I have made so many new friends some of whom I would be living with for a long period of time. I love that there are so many dogs everywhere who are well taken care of. I love my work. Even if I had just recently started in my area, I can see myself staying there for a long time and actually enjoying it. I love the grocery stores. The stores are my haven. I just feel comforted every time I go grocery shopping. And I love how there are so many opportunities for almost everything here, work, travel, and self-discovery.
I know there are so many things I have yet to learn and see but I know for now I am in the right place, doing the right thing. It may be hard being away from my family especially my dogs but I know they will be fine and I will be fine.
