Love Like You

I Could Even

Eijirou is still a little nervous about allowing Shouto to keep the pills in his room after the the incident with the kitchen knife but the doctor said that taking all of Shouto's choices away may not be the best idea. They'll just have to keep a closer eye on him.

The vertical scars along Shouto's wrists are a very vivid and horrendous reminder of that. 

"Sometimes it doesn't feel real."

A feeling that Izuku knows all too well.

"...I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry."

"Sometimes I don't feel real."

"And that's not your fault. You're still mourning, Shouto."

"I...feel like I shouldn't be. It's been three years after all."

Three long, agonizing years.

Everyone keeps telling him that things will get better with time but they haven't. He just feels himself become less human with every passing day. At what point are his wounds supposed to heal?

"There's no rush, Sho. No time period for grieving. One step at a time. And you can take as much time as you need. We'll still be here with you."

Shouto answers with a hum, leaning back in his chair to focus his weary gaze on the prickly flowers in his lap.

"Grieving such a funny thing, you know? I mean, one day you're thinking about them and all of the memories you made together and...it just makes you smile. Makes you happy. Then some days you see the smallest, most trivial thing that reminds you of them and then you're falling apart at the seams again. It's so unfair, like everything else in this godforsaken existence."

Izuku doesn't have a proper response for that---no encouraging words or reassurances.

Just sorrow swelling from deep within his chest.

Shouto finally looks up at him.

He looks so empty inside.

"I miss my baby."

Izuku swallows around the lump in his throat, jaw tight as he struggles to keep himself together.

"I know, Sho. Miss him too."

"Miss him so much. Wish I could be with him again. Do anything to be with him again."

"But you can't leave us yet, Sho." Izuku says with a defiant shake of his head. Shouto has to know that taking his own life isn't the way to see Katsuki again. They'd kept so much hope in the first year---searched high and low with optimistic determination that Katsuki was still alive.

But no matter how many of the League's hideouts they'd raided, they always came up empty handed.

They couldn't even find a body.

How do you declare someone dead without a fucking body?

"I...I've realized that I don't actually want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I want to live, Izuku. But it's so hard living without him. What do I do? Do I just keep living my life like this? I'm trying so hard to be happy again, I just---"

Izuku flings himself forward to wrap his arms around Shouto and hold him tight; he doesn't know what else to do. There's nothing more he can say---nothing to ease his frayed and frazzled nerves. He can't tell him that it's going to be okay, not only because he's uncertain of the future but because he knows that Shouto is tired. Tired of hearing meaningless reassurances. Tired of being given false hope. All that Izuku can do is stay by his side.