So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

I am a liar.

Stop it!

"Is it wrong to tell you I have never met someone as attentive as you? Or if I told you that I owe you everything I have? Is there something wrong with me caring about you in return?" She slowly let out, still looking into my eyes. Those green eyes, ones I'd seen everything in, they drove me crazy and kept me sane at the same time.

She's lying. You are making her lie to you because of how pathetic you look.

"Yes, there is. Please, just leave me alone." I breathed out and went back to the couch.

"Why do you always do this? You are allowed to need help, I can help you!" She said desperately.

   I didn't want to answer, mostly because I knew I'd be harsh and I'd already done enough.

"What do you fear, Ed?" She said and sat beside me. I flinched away, no wanting to give in to her heat. I had already done that once and it was more than enough.

"A lot can hurt you. You've already been hurt, I got it. But it shouldn't stop you from living life and enjoying what comes your way. I'm sorry to say this but, you will be hurt again, and shutting everything out will not get you through the pain. You need to react, Ed. Do something. Live." Flora whispered.

   I turned around and looked at her. "You think that by saying that, you'll make me stay?" I asked in disbelief. Did she really think I wouldn't mind showing vulnerability?

"If you think you are going to be okay back there in London, I won't stop you from going. I only want the best for you, Ed. But I can see that the last few weeks have been more than hard on you. You're leaving because you don't want to be near me, thing that I can understand, but that doesn't make it right." She sighed.

You're stupid and selfish.

   My breath got caught in my throat, and my lips began to tremble. I couldn't control my own hands which were shaking too. I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't live like this. There was nothing worth living for anymore. Not even music.

   I had dreaded the day I wouldn't be able to find relief in music. I had imagined the wave of hopelessness I'd feel. However, it was ten times worse in reality.

"There's just so much a man can take, Ed. You need to let things out." Flora added while resting her hand on my shoulder. I knew she could see me breaking down. She could also physically feel it, every single one of my muscles arguing with my mind to prove my body was alive and in some way wanted to stay alive.

"I can't- I..." I stuttered. I couldn't even make a sentence. How pathetic was I?

"Please, just don't leave for now. I can help you."

***

   I woke up in a bed, sitting up suddenly to take in my surroundings. Flora was laying beside me, almost peacefully. There was something beautiful about sleep: a body alive and a conscious unaware of everything around it. The paradox made the condition remarkable. Her eyes opened slowly and she just stared at me.

"Good morning." She said.

"Morning." I answered and looked away. I couldn't stand to be here, to let her see right through me.

She thinks she knows you, but she doesn't.

    I got up and packed my things, slowly. I could feel Flora stare at me, but I didn't mind. I couldn't let myself care, I had done that too many times before and nothing good had ever come out of it.

"There's something I'm dying to know, Ed. Why did you kiss me?" Flora suddenly said.

Because you care.

   What if it was true? What if I had feelings for her? Worse, what if I loved the way she seemed to care about me more than her?

   It was stupid. Here I was, talking about feelings as if it was the most important thing on earth. Feelings didn't matter if you couldn't appreciate them. I had no idea how to interpret any of the things I felt. I didn't know if it was good or bad. I was just lost.

   A lot of things turned me into what I was. I knew I hadn't looked at half of them the way I should have. It might have explained why I couldn't seem to enjoy life anymore. Or why I had this weird taste in my mouth, letting me know I was craving something. Something that did more damage than good.

"You can't keep on ruining your life, Ed. You can't keep on running away from it either."

"Leave me alone!" I shouted and I could literally feel the room go ten times colder. It was my fault. "Just stop pretending to care." I whispered after a while. My voice didn't sound weak or broken. It was just cold, empty. There was no sign of life in it. It might have been because I didn't feel like I was living.

   I didn't want to think about the possibility that I might have given up. There was a blurred vision of what life could be and I liked to think I could hold on to it, even if it seemed hardly possible.

   There was a time I enjoyed every single thing in life, I had no worries, nothing, just positiveness. And then Ana came along and made something snap inside of me. I'd been dysfunctional since then.

   I was very aware that I didn't function well because deep down I didn't want to. But it was a depressive thought, and it'd only make me hate myself more which I didn't need at all. Or did I? At least it gave me something to do with myself because, honestly, I had no idea what I should do of myself anymore. I had failed at everything I had tried to do.

   I only realised I had stopped moving when I felt cold hands on my cheeks, ones that sent felt so soft and which I was becoming accustomed to. How I wished those hands could bring the old me back. Yet, I didn't have the time to understand what was happening before her lips crashed on mine, making a wave of feelings pass through my brain, and I held onto it for dear life, bringing Flora closer to me, hoping to receive a bit of her life. Hoping that these thoughts of giving up would be left behind and never come back.

   Simply hoping that someone could give me love.