So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

With smiles and frowns.

"I'm not going with you." I argued and stopped walking. She may have been strong but she couldn't force me to move if I didn't want to.

"Are you really that determined to ruin your life? If so, I can let you go back and drink until you pass out. But if you have only a bit of self-love, you'll let us have fun." She answered.

"You can't understand." I breathed out, my voice starting to shake again. I rummaged in my pockets to find a cigarette and a lighter. I needed something to calm me down, to chase the reminders of her away.

   I didn't want to ruin my life, I just wanted to stay sane. And if I needed to forget my own name to forget her face and stay somewhat sane, then I'd do it in the blink of an eye.

"I can understand that your ex has been heartless with you and she hurt you. But now it's you and only you. You need to learn how to put yourself first again. And that's what I'm trying to do."

"What's your name?" I asked. I was surprised at how she had me figured out. Then again, it shouldn't have surprised me; it was obvious to anyone who wanted to take a look at me that I wasn't the happiest person on Earth.

"Rose," She said with a small smile. She must have known that this question was just the proof that she had convinced me. "You coming?"

"Don't you want to know my name?" I let out. She confused me.

Rose shook her head and smiled at me. "I don't need to."

***

"We are going to watch a movie?" I asked in disbelief. Was that her idea of making me feel better?

"Not a movie. We are going to watch Friends, eat waffles and drink coffee, and see how beautiful life can be without a certain person. Ready?" She laughed. It wasn't contagious.

"I could've done that at mine, too." I muttered. I wasn't in the mood to laugh. I didn't even have the psychological capacity to focus on TV.

"But you wouldn't have done it, and we both know that. Stop complaining and put the DVD on, I'm bringing the food."

    Halfway through the third episode, she got closer to me, most likely without realizing it. But I felt her. Her scent, it reminded me of why I was here, of what was wrong with me. The way she laughed, it made me feel this sinking feeling you got when you suddenly understood that you had lost something forever. I had lost her a long time ago and I felt sick realizing that only now.

    She had torn me apart without even talking to me anymore. She had made me ruin my life, spending all my time complaining about how I had done everything I could for her without it being enough. In just four words, she had broke me more than I thought it was possible.
I don't love you.

   Wasn't it horrible how you could lose everything you spent so much time building in just a few seconds? I had found who I wanted to be, I had found a way to make it happen and then I met her. I fell for her, never thinking she'd be the one to bring it all down. Love is dangerous and destructive. It destroyed me and the worst part of it all was that I didn't even want to get back up anymore.

"You alright there?" Rose said, bringing me back to reality. "You started shaking, and I'm not sure you even knew it."

"Yeah. I should just go home." I answered weakly and got up, pulling the sleeves of my shirt over my hands. I used to do that when I felt upset. A habit I got rid of when I understood that nobody would notice it anymore. Yet there I was, doing it again. It may have made me feel safe because it somehow brought me back to that time when I thought they cared. I didn't know. It was as if I didn't know anything anymore.