So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

Be like you.

"What happened?" Amelia whispered to me.

I sighed. A lot happened. For instance, the fact that Flora didn't seem mad at me after I told her I was leaving once again. How she kissed me again. Or even how I felt my heart melt when she told me that she wouldn't be one to stop me from living my dream.

Ryan also happened. And I don't know if I should feel proud to have told him off and thrown my fist into his face. I still feared he might come back when I'll be gone.

"Nothing much, really. What about you, love?" I smiled. She shook her head.

"You two stare at each other non stop and it feels like you're ready to jump on each other." Amelia told me knowingly and I choked on my coffee.

"Mel! You can't just keep on saying things like these!"

"I'm just stating the obvious, Ed," she winked.

This little girl was incredible. So carefree, it actually made me jealous.

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but after watching one of those chick films, I realised something that scared me more than I thought it was possible.

The main character was a twenty-something year old man, a lawyer. He thought he had life figured out because he was successful in his job life. He had the money, the friends, the classy clothes and car. But once he met this simple waitress who happened to change her job every so often, he questioned himself, just like I did myself.

Were we really living?

He came to the conclusion that, indeed, he was living. Just maybe not the best life he could have since he was such a workaholic.

I, on the other hand, wasn't so fond of work. But when I thought about it, about all the opportunities I had missed, I understood that most of them I had voluntarily missed.

The only explanation to that was, I was afraid of living.

After all, it's understandable. We see all these films, all these books and songs and whatever we considered as inspiration, in which life is so wonderful and where you can get all that you want if you work for it. Sometimes, even just hoping for it would be sufficient.

However, we witness people getting beaten up by life on a daily basis. So, when we confront the idea of life that's put forward in books, films and songs to the realm of it; you get deceived.

In fact, I got so stressed and doubtful that I became scared of simply trying to live. The consequences of this made me lose the little hope I had left.

When you think about it, I never truly made any decision that could have an important impact on anybody's life. I tried to leave my responsibility behind.

That explained why I was jealous of a eight year old who couldn't be bothered by life or its meaning.

"Are you alright?" Flora asked, sitting down in front of me, next to Amelia. "What did you do to him, young lady?"

"I just stated the obvious and then he zoned out. Not my fault he's so ungrounded," she shrugged.

I chuckled, "Do you even know what that means? Because I'm pretty sure I'm grounded. Someone keeps me so."

I tried to smile, but it didn't feel real for me, so I doubt it did for anyone else.

"Well, I don't know what you said but it messes him up," Flora frowned.

Truth is, I don't need a lot to zone out, and it was scary somehow. But now that I came to think of it, I couldn't bring myself to forget that I was uneasy with life itself.