Sasquatch to the Moon

4: Four Taps Means I Wish We Were Safe

I scared the living shit out of him upon my entry. He was mostly asleep but trying to watch an old Detroit vs Minnesota game to study up for the upcoming playoff series.

I have my own key now, so I had used that to get in, I got my shoes off and then walked through his house to the back room where I could hear the TV so my half out of it brain decided that that was where he must be.

And then I stood behind him like a creepy gigantic toddler about to tell him I threw up. Luckily I hadn't and after a few moments I tried to put my hand on his shoulder, making him wake up abruptly and whip around, stifling a scream. I just stood there like an absolute idiot. He registered the whole situation in a split second and then frowned saying something along the lines of: "oh, you don't look good, what's going on? Are you sick? Do you need me to do something? I can make you tea if you want."

I didn't respond with much other than taking a step around the couch and then putting my knee on the cushion and easing myself down into his lap, curling up. He sat there for a split second, still not sure what was going on before wrapping his arms around my back and saying something like: "are you okay? Buddy I'm going to need you to talk to me. I don't know what's going on." and I replied. "Overwhelmed. Just needed you."

I found that the overwhelming feeling of everything that was happening beforehand and the sweating and racing heart all sort of faded if I just set my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat in his chest and felt the soft pull of breath.

I'm not saying he's going to be some sort of magic panic attack fix, but for that night, he worked incredibly well.

***

A sweep is when a team loses four games in a row out of a seven game series and gets sent home. We didn't sweep them and they didn't sweep us but it sure as hell felt like it.

We won one, then lost four. It would've been better if we had just been swept. It would've felt better if we knew we didn't have a chance, but we even won a game and then just dropped the ball on the rest.

We're not even really sure what happened. We beat them 3-0 in the first game. A shut out. It was looking like we had it easy with it. We felt good, we played good, it was fantastic. Then we ate shit in game two, then game three, then four and in game five we lost 3-0. All the way back around.

Everyone was pretty subdued for the day after that. One more practice before releasing us for the summer.

Steph came in, playoff beard already shaved off because we lost, but also because I know he hates playoff beards and his almost utter lack of one.

I trimmed mine all the way down to what I had during the summer. Gage's returned to the same goatee he had most of the season. Fen's was trimmed most of the way down like mine. Greenie's was gone. Ukkovskky's was gone. Langley's was gone.

The only person that still had theirs during that practice, mostly untouched, was Håkon. He took some off his neck and cheeks the night before but his stayed. He knows I like it and I think he does too. It's a beautiful thing on him.

We were exhausted, we barely had time to say hello to each other upon arriving back to one of our homes every night. We don't allow ourselves to sleep together at hotels on the road, but it was the only thing keeping us going on home games. I fought my way through every in-between practice and every game knowing that I'd be able to eat and then go home and curl up with him and we'd make each other feel safe and okay again with soft gentle touches and little kisses as we dozed off.

Four taps means I'm sorry. Four taps means I wish I could say the right thing. Four taps means you're my safety right now. Four taps means later. Four taps means I wish I could love you here.