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thirty&four - eased

the loud thuds of rain hit the window in the library. it was the middle of may, and the humidity was rising yet again. the hot rain felt horrible walking into the school; it felt like your whole body was wearing a wool sweater in a sauna. it was the type of weather that made you angry to get out of bed. there was no rainbow. it was just steam.

may was a weird month; it was the odd transition from spring to summer, and it stressed everyone out.  the students and teachers prepared for finals while most people in the town prepared for carnivals, parades, and business explosions. in the past couple of years, this stress became fun, however. stanley, bill, and i would always just stay inside and pretend like everything was okay and that no one could touch us, like an eye in a hurricane. however, it was much different now. everyone in the group was vulnerable, and it seemed like no one was truly happy where they were. lunch became separated groups again, and no one knew where they stood.

the richie sat across from me in study hall, clearly too disturbed to focus on his homework. he tried to look at his paper, but was he observing it? the answer was no, and he knew that. the homework was due the next hour, and he had two of eighteen questions answered in twenty minutes.

"richie," i sighed, "just let me do it. it's english, and i'm good at english." i reached out to grab the binder with the paper inside, but he put his hand over it as if to protect it.

disturbed

"i don't need help, eds," he spoke quietly, "i'm fine."

"liar."

"fuck."

i shook my head and and laughed dryly. he finally looked back at me, tilting his head up, and my laughing slowed down until it was one last breath. he was tired of me knowing how he felt, and i knew that. pretending he was always fine was what he did, and now he can't lie to me. i had to be the stronger one all the time, but he wanted to do that.

"can't we pretend for just one day that i'm okay?" richie gave a small smile, trying to get me to ignore the adjective. he wrote down three answers quickly, his pencil making small scratch sounds on the paper. when he looked back at me, his finger pointed at the three new answers, "see?"

i nodded, but didn't let go of the topic. richie looked back down and continued writing disingenuous answers in his sloppy handwriting while i began to put my books back in my backpack. after i zipped up my bag, i contemplated what to say next. all of the other students sat in the gym for their seminar, since it was easier to talk to their friends, but richie and i found the library more peaceful. however, this fact did not serve us well in this situation. the raindrops on the window became deafening as i waited for richie to say something, but it never happened. instead, i stated the obvious.

"i know you're still angry at me for not taking your side," i said, looking down at my hands, "but i'm just confused."

"i'm not mad at you for not siding with me," he explained, "i'm mad at you for not being there for beverly the way she has been for you." he looked at me with stone eyes, as if he was a father lecturing me. his words were said with no emotion. i was taken aback for a small moment. there was no hesitation or thought before; it was like he had waited to say that.

"you don't know what i've done or what i've seen," i pointed my finger at him, "how dare you accuse me of that! do you know i've tried asshole? there have been times where she has come to me instead of you, so you can sit there all you want and say i haven't tried, but all you've done is okay a pity party vicariously through her!"

"eddie-"

"i'm going to the gym," i said, picking up my bag furiously, "i can't stand this rain."

—

glass shards exploded everywhere as i hit old glass bottles one by one with a rifle. i finally aimed my last one at a green beer bottle. it was a new kind of alcohol in derry, some kind of watermelon flavor. it wasn't well liked, since it's flavor was too strong, so people began putting them in the supply of mike's family for 'milk storage', or so they have explained. when i finally fired the shot, it missed, instead hitting a hay bale, which mike was dangerously close to.

"woah!" he laughed, "that was way off."

"sorry mike," i sighed, putting the rifle back into safety mode, "it's just been a stressful week, and i just had an argument with richie." mike and i began walking into the tall barn. all of the animals were super loud, awaiting dinner.

"it seems like everyone is feeling like that," he explained, "beverly just came by a couple of hours ago, and she seemed to hit every bottle in such a quick fashion. no hesitation, as if she was afraid of nothing."

"did she say anything?" i asked, placing the gun in its safe spot in the barn. mike just nodded, picking up the hose and walking around with it to all of the water stations. many animals came to their water tubs and began drinking. i watched as the sheep with the green ribbon walked over. once tiny and limp, it had become strong and the most abundant of wool.

"yeah," he said, looking as if he was thinking back before looking over again, "yeah, she kept talking about how she was finally feeling free for a moment. she said she felt like just leaving for the longest time, but now her father is around less. he's going to bars more and just crashing apparently, so she just leaves the house less."

"so what was she free from?"

"i think from everything, like she's finally finding herself, eddie."

"is she mad at richie?"

"no," mike assured, "she just wants to walk alone for a moment, and i think she felt suffocated trying to be part of his perfect family."

"of course," i finally finished the puzzle. it made sense why she was ignoring him. it wasn't out of anger, but rather it was out of self improvement. it was like a weird transition from spring into summer, and she was in the eye of the hurricane. smoking pot broke her from the line of tozier perfection, and so did staying at home without her father also being there to disturb her.

i looked down at a puddle where mike spilled the hose into my reflection.

eased