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twenty&nine - persturbed

"happy leap day!" ben smiled, sitting down in the booth. richie and stanley groaned in response, their heads resting on the table like they were limp dolls. i laughed lightly and wrapped my arms around richie's neck. my head rested on his shoulder gently, causing me to relax and close my eyes. i hadn't slept well the night before, so i felt myself doze in and out every time i had the chance to rest my head. it was early saturday morning, and we had all agreed to go to the barrens after we ate breakfast. we would meet up with the rest of the lucky seven afterwards.

i felt tired, on edge; sometimes the feeling would come randomly at times. i tried my best to smile, like i did when ben wished us a happy leap day. i tried, but it seemed so difficult to look someone in the eyes and not just break down somehow. i somehow took the need to lean onto someone metaphorically to literally by resting on richie. he didn't seem to mind; he never seemed to mind. i just wanted to stay in my bedroom with him, lay down, and either stare at the ceiling silently or fall asleep.

i remember this feeling from when i was younger. i distinctly remember in fifth grade when i didn't talk to bill or stanley for a couple of days, spending lunch staring out of the window by myself instead of sitting with them. when i went back, they pretended like it never happened, and i was thankful for that. another time, when i was in eighth grade, i snapped at a random girl, who was my experiment partner, during science class. she was sensitive, and i felt bad for the rest of the year when we had to work on science together.

suddenly, the sound of snapping came from stanley's direction, i looked up at him, and he started to mouth something. he asked simply if i was okay. i nodded, giving a small half smile, and then closed my eyes again. he didn't get my attention again; instead, he just sighed and started to adjust all of the plates and silverware.

—

"you all are idiots!" beverly laughed, sitting on top of the hill that overlooks the barrens. we had all fallen down the hill from the ice that frosted over the grass. the weather had been a mess, so snow kept melting, and then the water would freeze. it was the worst part of the season; everything looked gross and depressing. the slush was always an ugly brown, and the skies were never a pretty blue. i always wanted to just scream at whatever was in charge of the weather.

i rolled my eyes at beverly, getting up and wiping myself off aggressively. i felt a hand try to grab my, but i yanked it back. guilt immediately washed over me when i looked over at a bruised richie. he shook his hand a little bit before looking back forward with his large glasses.

concerned

i grimaced; he had been so concerned recently, and i knew it had to do with me. it was getting harder and harder to pretend like everything was okay ever since my power was revealed to him. it caused random arguments and extra tensity during every conversation. i wondered if maggie was right. maybe richie wasn't ready for all of me. he might have not figured himself out before i threw all of my woes onto him. i didn't want to hurt him.

we all continued walking through the area, not hearing the familiar sound of the running water. the sound wasn't as nice as the penobscot river was, but it would've been better than the tense silence between richie and i. richie obviously knew something was wrong, but he hasn't said anything yet; perhaps he was waiting for me to say what i needed.

"what are we even doing here?" stanley asked the obvious question. only a few planned the day, and the rest only agreed to follow along (which was obviously the wrong choice).

"i don't know," beverly shrugged, a small smile rose on her face, "we just thought it would be fun to walk around and talk."

i scoffed, "well obviously no one is talking, so let's just leave!"

"you need to chill out," ben laughed, obviously not sensing the anger rise in me. i felt my eyes tear up slightly, but i wouldn't give them the horror of seeing me break down. instead, i caused my head to hurt from holding back the urge to start to chew everyone out with tears streaming down my face.

"well," i said through clenched teeth, "i'm not fucking chilled out, ben."

i suddenly felt fingers wrap around my forearm tightly. i was led away from the confused group into the trees, locking eyes with richie. he had a look of strong worry on his face. "what is wrong with you?" he asked as gently as possible, but the confusion, anger, and concern was still rooted into his voice.

persturbed

"a lot of fucking things!" i shot back, "i just want to go home."

"eddie," he sighed, looked away from my eyes, "just tell me." i didn't say anything, however; i just felt tears form in my eyes. my pounding head became too much, so i decided to let go of the cries that built up. i dug my head into his neck, his arms surrounding me with warmth. his chin rested on the top of my head as he listened to every small sob that fell out of my mouth. we rocked back and forth slowly, as if it was the slow dance during homecoming. the world seemed to cave in all around us, like the sky was falling. if the end of the world ended in that moment, it would've been almost perfect.

"eddie," richie whispered into my ear, "you need to talk to me. no more secrets."

"i love you," i sobbed, "so, so much."

"i love you too."