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seventeen - relieved

my pencil tapped the desk rhythmically as my eyes stayed glued to the clock. my last finals test sat on the paper tray in the front of the classroom while i patiently waited for the bell to ring. i felt my eyes close as sleepiness overtook my body. however, my micro-nap was cut short when the bell rang.

some people in the classroom groaned while others let out a loud sigh of relief. i, on the other hand, never made a single noise and instead gathered my belongings and walked out the door. mrs. douglas wished me a final 'goodbye' as i walked into the senior hall and made my way towards the sophomore hall.

when i crossed through the commons, beverly met up with me and walked besides me. dark bags were under her eyes, and her chapped lips were parted, giving her a look of entranced or rather dead. we walked silently through the crowd together for a brief moment before she finally spoke. "i want to get out of this school and sleep," she paused for a moment, turning to look at me with her tired eyes, "forever."

"nice to see you too," i smiled, "at least it's over for a while." as soon as i finished my sentence, a scoff escaped out of her mouth as she finally made it to her locker at the end of the hall. i walked away from her to go put my belongings in my locker. i tried to ignore the kid beside me struggling to stuff all of his books into the top shelf of his locker as i twisted in my combination. his locker had been a mess the entire year, but i never said anything. nevertheless, i yanked my own locker open and started to shove my items in their respected places along the top shelf without minding the kid next to me.

"hey, eds," richie greeted as he put one hand on my shoulder and rested his chin on the other. nerves ran through my body suddenly at his small gesture. i raised my hand to touch his lightly.

"hi richie," i whispered with a smile.

"hey," he piped up again, "can i go to your house? i think your mom misses me!"

i laughed lightly, jolting around to look at him, "gross!" i hit swatted playfully, "but yes, you idiot."

"face it," he put an arm around me, "you love me!" as soon as the last three words rang in my ears, heat rushed to my face in a sudden fashion. i assumed they were a bright red by the time richie looked at me with one of his brightest smiles that made my heart beat faster than usual.

the two keys that were attached to one of the loopholes on richie's jeans clanked together with every step we took. one was gold, the one i once saw him use to open up his house. the other one was silver, its purpose unknown. i felt richie's hand run against mine for a small moment, but the feeling was gone as quickly as it came. we didn't discuss it, and we didn't discuss something else so i could forget; the clanking of the keys filled the air.

richie cleared his throat suddenly before speaking up, "so, are you excited for christmas?"

"oh yeah," i said sarcastically, "getting disgusting candy from my mom and her sisters and them constantly pinching my cheeks and telling me how i'm 'such a good boy'! what a dream, richie."

"don't be so sour!" he wrapped an arm around my waist, "i would spend christmas with you, but i have parents."

"i would die to spend a christmas with your family," i told him. he only hummed in response. then, we fell silent again. i wasn't lying when i said i would want to spend christmas with the tozier family. they seemed so amazing. it seemed like the picture perfect family.

"you could come over any time you want, you know," richie spoke up again, "my mom loves you."

"i'm her favorite," i hummed, tossing a wink towards him. my head leaned onto his shoulder as we walked along the shoveled sidewalk.

"you probably are," he confirmed, "she always asks how you're doing or when you're coming back. she used to do that for beverly."

"hey richie," my mind brushed away the old subject, "have you ever been inside of my house?" he shook his head 'no'. my face went red as i looked away from him and towards the street ahead. "well," i stated, "it's very seventies-esque, you could say."

"your parents never remodeled," richie looked at me, "didn't they?" i nodded slowly, causing him to laugh lightly. "it's okay," he rested his head on top of my own, "i'm sure it's nice. warm yellows and all."

as we made it to my porch, i looked at richie and put a finger on his lip, signaling him to be quiet. he nodded, pulling my finger away with a small smile on his face. "i know, eds," me confirmed in a hushed tone. my face heated up without a single warning, but i tried to brush away the feeling as i opened the door slowly. as soon the door was fully opened, i saw my mother asleep on the couch, her head leaned back like a roaring lion. as i walked forward, i put my hand backwards for richie to hold onto as i lead him upstairs. he gripped onto my hand gently, his warm hand sending sparks from my fingers to my head quickly. we tip toed upstairs and made it to my bedroom, holding hands for a little bit longer than normal before letter go. when i closed the door, richie let out a breath with a long laugh.

when he finally stopped, he looked around my room. "i like your room," he spoke, "it reminds me of that one movie. carnal knowledge? have you heard of it?"

"no," i laughed lightly, "you big nerd."

—

richie and i laid on the bed comfortably beside each other, listening to the soft tunes on the radio. i turned over, watching his chest move up and down with every breath he took. i tried to tell myself to stop staring, but i just couldn't. he didn't seem to notice anyways, and if he did, he didn't seem to mind. it was just two friends on a bed, each other's faces half a foot apart.

"do you think bill and stan are dating?" richie asked suddenly, not looking away from the ceiling. my eyes flickered to the adjective above his head.

nervous

"do you?" i asked in return. my heart rose to my throat as his eyes met mine.

he nodded, "yeah, i do."

"and?"

"and what?"

"are you okay with that?"

"yeah," he shrugged before flipping over to face me, "as long as they're happy. they'll go live in some place in new york city or something. stanley will get home first and order some chinese take out and then bill will probably return home after with the widest smile on his face as he approaches his husband of whatever many years."

"i always imagined them living in the suburbs in someplace like georgia tending to their peach trees on saturdays," i smiled, "but i think we're on the same page."

"so," he drifted off, "do you think being gay is fine?" his eyes burned into mine with anticipation to hear my next response.

"yeah," i confirmed with a nod and a smile, "love who you want to love. it's not anyone else's business for who you want to marry."

"even if i was gay?"

"richie tozier," i whispered, "you are way too smart to be sitting here and asking these questions."

"what?" he asked with a nervous chuckle.

"you know i am too, right?" i laughed softly, "i thought it was obvious!"

he laughed along with me for a brief moment, digging his head into my chest. when he stopped, he stayed in the same position; his head dug into my head for a while, but i didn't mind. a small smile spread across my face instead as i felt every insecurity fall away from me in those moments. i peered at the adjective that burned over richie's head.

relieved