Under The Mistletoe

7| Pretend

I stared at him for a minute, trying to decide what to say. "Maybe it wasn't the last place I wanted to be in. Maybe I just needed another reason to stay after my mother died," I shrugged. 

"Hope, no one could have forced you to stay, all right?" He clicked his tongue in frustration. "We were all trying to help you and trying to get you to cope but you didn't want to. After one point, you didn't want to do it anymore. You just wanted to run. And everyone knew the right thing to do was to let you. That's why your dad let you go, that's why I let you go. You needed a break, I get it. But you didn't have to leave unannounced. You could have told me." 

I groaned, "Blake, all I wanted to do was run. I wasn't thinking about who I should tell, who I would be hurting, who I'd miss when I leave. I was just thinking of leaving and avoiding the grief of my mother's death. Which I am still avoiding!" I snapped. 

He ran his hand through his hair, the anger radiating off of him. "What the hell do you want me to do? Why are you trying to get my attention and interact with me? You're Jonah's girlfriend, he's my best friend. Why aren't we just leaving it at that?" he asked. 

I don't know how to answer him. Why aren't we just leaving it at that? And I'm the one pushing to get his attention and talk to him. Why am I doing that? 

Maybe it's because I missed him more than I wanted to admit. 

"I don't know," I mumbled. 

"Then figure it out!" he snapped. "Because this is wrong. You're with Jonah. If you were with anyone else, it would still be wrong. When you're in a relationship with someone, Hope. Friendships like ours are wrong. They'll ruin the relationship. If you're with Jonah, you can't get close to me. It'll hurt him." 

"Are you asking me to choose?" 

"No," he groaned, "I'm just asking you to keep to a limit." I sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed. "When we're around him just don't..." I looked up at him. "Don't," he shook his head. 

Don't get close. 

"You haven't let me," I shrugged. 

"Because I'm trying not to forgive you. And I'll cave in. Because it's too hard to hate you. But if I don't, then I'll have to force myself to stay away because of Jonah anyway. I'd rather hate you and stay away because of that. It's better than keeping away because of Jonah." 

"How do you know Jonah will get hurt if I'm close to you? He might not." 

He scoffed, "I'm not talking about him getting jealous, Hope. He won't do that. But he's not blind. He'll see that we have history." 

"You're the one who lied about not knowing me!" 

"Would you rather him know the truth?" He arched a brow at me sharply. I didn't answer that. I didn't need to, he already knows. 

"So, you're just going to make yourself hate me so-" 

"So I don't like you." We stayed silent for a beat. 

"Like me like me or just... like me?" I asked. 

"What?" he asked in confusion. 

"So you don't like me as in... like me. Or just like me," I shrugged. He's so confused. It doesn't help that I'm not doing a very good job at explaining. I groaned, rolling my eyes as I stood up. "So you don't catch feelings or just so you can keep hating me?" 

Realization swirled in his eyes. "Why uh, why would I... why would I catch feelings?" he stuttered. 

Oh shit. That's right. I'm not supposed to know that he liked me. Kimberley told me though. At the dinner. 

"I don't know, just because," I shrugged again, internally smacking myself. 

"I won't catch feelings for you," he shook his head. "Would... you?" 

"No," I said quickly, "No, I'm with... I'm with Jonah." 

He nodded, "Right. You're with Jonah." He looked at me quizzically. "Do you... do you really like him?" 

"He's really nice. He's sweet, I should be with someone like him." 

"Yeah, but do you actually have feelings for him?" 

This could go two ways. One, he gets mad at me because he'll think I'm playing his best friend. Or two, he'll be a little more selfish and take it in a good way. If it goes the second way, it might mean he still likes me. It's worth the risk to know. 

"I don't know yet," I sighed. "He's really amazing and I should be crazy for him. Maybe things just went too fast. We went straight into the relationship," I shrugged. 

"Are you unsure between him and someone else?" he asked accusingly. It might go the first way. 

"No! There's no one else. Just... I need to know him more." 

He hesitated to ask me the next question. "What if you find someone better?" 

I had to think about that one. "Then I'll have to leave Jonah." 

"You'll break his heart?" 

"He deserves someone who loves him like crazy. If I can't do that, then I shouldn't tie him down like that," I explained. I'm right. Right? 

"I should get home. Bye," he said, abruptly leaving. 

"Bye," I called out after him. He was leaving when I heard the front door open. 

My dad's home. 

I went outside quickly, noticing him frozen by the staircase. "Just go, he won't say anything to you," I shrugged. 

"No, but he might think something's up." I looked at him in confusion. "Between..." 

Between us. 

And he hasn't even met Jonah yet so he'll definitely think something is up. Fan-fucking-tastic.

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 7

next chapter: secrecy