Secrets (wolfstar)

Part Nineteen

"Can I umm join you?" Sirius asked quietly and a little awkwardly.

Remus hesitated for a second in a way that hurt Sirius more then he tried to let on. Only weeks ago Sirius would have just been able to climb out and speak with his friend like nothing, but now awkwardness and tension just filled the silence. Eventually Remus just nodded, so as quietly as he could Sirius slid the window open and climbed out. Unlike last time he was trying his best to keep some physical distance from Remus but the ledge, but this was almost impossible, so once he was finally seat his legs lightly pressed against Remus. He closed the window as Remus produce a joint from his pocket. For a couple minutes they just sit in silence. Remus light the joint with the end of his wand. Then said nox and let the light on his wand vanish. Now the only light was the small embers at the end of the joint. Finally Remus broke the silence by saying.

"You want a hit?" Remus said quietly and in a voice that sounded strange, and distant.

"Sure" Sirius said, the smoke burnt his longs but he resisted the urge to cough. "Where do you get this stuff?"

"A muggle boy in my village sells it." Remus said "he gives me a good rate cause he is scared of me. There is a rumour I haven't really denied that all the scars are from fights I get into at the mysterious boarding school I go to, so he is very scared of me."

Remus tone relaxed a little, and that in turn calmed Sirius' own nerves.

"I can't believe anyone would think you could get into fights. You're way too soft." Sirius said taking one last long drag before passing the joint back to Remus.

"I'm not soft. I'm a literally werewolf." Remus said. Sirius could tell if he was imagining it or if their legs were gently pressing together more and more.

"Yes a werewolf who is legit a ball of fluff I've seen it. You might be the fluffiest werewolf in all of England, maybe the world." Sirius said and the more the two talk the more he felt his heart warm. It gave him a weird feeling in his gut that took a moment for him to place. But he realized slowly it was like the first night back at Hogwarts after summer holidays when he used to spend them with his family, he'd get back into his four poster and take a couple deep breath, and realize he was home and safe. And that's how he felt now, home and safe.

"Well I'll take it." Remus said "all the other werewolves can suck it. I'm the fluffiest it's official."

"I'm sure Greyback is very jealous." Sirius said, savouring the happy tone in Remus' voice.

"How's Lucy?" Remus asked, after a pause, the happy tone gone, and his voice regaining some of its coolness. Sirius wished he could read his expression but the darkness hide it. The voice in Sirius head that quietly nagged him about the sandy haired boy, whispered that he hoped his face showed jealousy.

"Good." Sirius muttered "have you been seeing Lukas?"

"No" Remus said immediately "I swear I was telling the truth. We just bumped into each other, he could tell something was off was me and asked about it. But that was all, I have no interest in getting back with him."

"Okay" Sirius said not sure what really sure what to say. He felt a wave of relief that Remus was not interested in getting back with his exe but he could articulate that in a way that wouldn't give too much away.

There was another pause and in which Remus took a long drag from his joint which seemed to give him some courage.

"What are you doing with Lucy?" Remus asked.

"Dating." Sirius replied awkwardly.

"Please just be honest with me Padfoot. You don't even like her." Remus said his voice having a tint of desperation in it.

"Sure I do." Sirius said "She's hot."

"You barely look at her, you never laugh with her, you can't honestly tell me you guys get on." Remus countered and it hurt a little hearing his logic and how much he clearly watched the two of them though he always had his head hidden in a book when Lucy was around.

"Maybe I just want a good shag!" Sirius wasn't sure were it came from but suddenly anger he'd been feeling at literally everyone expect Remus spilt over. His anger for Lucy at having to hide her relationship. Anger at society for all these stupid rules and labels that he seemed to be drowning in. His anger at everyone who had ever said and bad word behind Remus' back or to his face about his sexuality. But most of all his anger at himself, for how he had been treating this beautiful kind boy. But he couldn't help it. The words were tumbling now and there was nothing he could do to stop it. "Maybe I just think she's hot and she thinks I'm hot. Why is that so hard for people to understand! Jesus Moony just cause you fancied me doesn't mean I can't find other people hot, doesn't stop me from wanting to shag Lucy. And she's a damn good shag too! We made out twice Moony, we aren't fucking married, I told you I just wanted to try it out but I'm just not like you! Get over it. Stop being cranky you're worrying James. It was just a bit of bloody fun Okay! But I'm not fucking like you! Why can't you understand that!"