cause you were all yellow | a.i.

twenty two.

——

i fell asleep not long after that. i showered and changed but fell asleep as soon as i hit my bed.

i used to be tired all the time because i could never sleep through the night, but now im tired because im up all night living with clairo.

and i loved it that way.

and i loved clairo.

i hadnt known her long, maybe three months but she meant everything to me.

in three months shed managed to give me a reason to keep going. i dont know how she did it, but she did.

in three months shed erased my nightmares. i dont know how she did it, but she did.

in three months shed managed to make me to fall head over heels in love with her. i dont know how she did it, but she did.

and those were only some of the things i loved her for.

only some of the reasons i would do anything for her.

thats why when my phone rang at 2am, i rolled over to pick it up right away.

"hello?" i answered sleepily, hoping it was her on the other end.

"ashton," i heard clairo voice through stuttered breaths.

"yellow?" i asked sitting up, concerned for her. "whats wrong?"

"i-" she was trying to spit out words, but she couldnt manage to get any out. i could tell she was having a panic attack

"yellow?" i asked again, standing up out of bed.

she didnt even try to speak as i heard her breathing become even more labored through her tears.

i grabbed my keys off my table, throwing a shirt on, and running down the stairs.

"clairo, im coming to you, okay?" i whispered through the phone.

"i- i cant... i cant breath," i heard her finally spit out.

"okay, just breathe with me," i told her as i started my car.

"in thru your nose," i breathed in, trying to encourage her to follow along.

"and out thru your mouth," i continued.

i could hear her trying to follow along with me, but her anxiety just kept overcoming all her mental power.

"ash-" she finally spit out.

"yeah, im here," i told her as i sped down the streets of our small town.

"i cant-" she tried to say again.

"i know, youre having a panic attack. you need to try to breathe with me," i explained to her as i turned onto her street.

she tried to breathe along with me as i threw my car in park in front of her house.

i ran to her front door, pushing on the doorknob.

"shit, its locked," i said looking around as to what to do.

i remembered back to the night i brought her home, after what he did to her. she had pointed to the wreath when i asked her where her key was.

i looked up to the wreath, searching for a key when i saw it.

"okay, i found it. im coming," i told her as i unlocked her door knob. i could still hear her trying to take in air and failing.

i pushed the door shut behind me, running towards her room.

i hung up the phone as opened her door.

she was sitting on her bed, tears streaming down her face. her hands were holding her chest as if she was in actual pain from the lack of oxygen.

i stepped towards her, sitting down on the bed behind her. i wrapped my arms around her, listening as her breathing slowly became less labored.

i continued to tell her "in and out" as her breathing began to return to normal.

"what happened, yellow?" i asked when she finally started to calm down.

"it was a nightmare," she started as her anxiety grew back.

she started fighting back tears again, her breathing becoming labored. "i couldnt get him off of me and you werent there this time."

"oh god," i whispered under my breath as she leaned farther back into me. "im here now."

we sat together like that until clairos breathing evened back out and she calmed back down.

"im so sorry, clairo," i whispered to her as i held her tight.

"thank you," was all i heard her weak voice manage.

"why?" was all i asked her as she brought her hand up to rest on my arm.

"for being here," she said quietly, leaning down and lightly kissing my arm.

"i told you id be here whenever you needed me," i told her as i set my chin in the crook of her neck.

"i know. but thank you for actually being here," she whispered.

i leaned up and kissed her cheek. "do you need anything? water or something?"

"no," she shook her head. "i just need you right now."

"and im here," i told her as i held her tight.

we sat like that for a while, just wrapped in eachothers arms.

cause clairo needed me.

so i would be there.

cause i loved her and would do anything for her.

but i was too scared to admit it.