In Our Nightmares | TordTom

Chapter 21

Tord's POV

It felt as if something was stuck in my throat. I can't believe that happened. It hurts to know that I did it. I really killed them. Even if it isn't real. It still hurts. I hate myself for doing it. And I didn't actually do it. But after seeing that. I felt like I did. Well I technically did. But that wasn't me. I would never do that to them

I looked down. I felt terrible. But I shouldn't, should I? I know I wouldn't do that to them. So I shouldn't. But, they don't know that. They might think I would. And I still want to. I mean, I can't blame them. I would to after what I did. I can't even trust myself anymore. Should I say that I would never hurt them like that? Or would that be suspicious?

I don't know anymore. I just don't want them to fear me anymore. They are my friends. They shouldn't fear me. Well, at least, old friends. But still. It hurts knowing they are scared of me. Are they? I hope not. But they probably are. Who wouldn't? I almost killed them. Do I deserve forgiveness? No. No I don't. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my miserable life

I should be left to suffer in this place. I shouldn't have their forgiveness. I don't deserve it. They deserve better. Not me. Not something as useless as me. Not someone who could hurt them. But someone who would keep them safe and protect them. Like I did. But to never betray them. They deserve the best

Please.. If I don't make it, just give them a better life. Give them what I couldn't. Make them happier. Give them freedom and let them live a happy life without me. Just give them a new friend. Someone better. Someone who isn't me. Please.. I beg you... Give them the best life you could. I won't be here long. I won't be able to give them that. But someone else can

"You know I'd never do that to you guys right..?" I muttered. They stayed quiet. Of course. They don't believe me. I bit my lip as tears began forming

I looked up and gulped as another scene appeared. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I glanced over at Tom. He gave me a small smile and squeeze on my shoulder. I gave him a weak smile and looked back forward

It's been a while since I killed my old friends. And I thought I did the good choice. But as it seems, I didn't. I felt nothing at first. But now I've been nothing but guilty, sad and depressed. What did they do to me? Why am I like this? Getting rid of them would've helped me with my plans. But did it really?

Killing my only real friends? Was that a good option? Maybe. But I'm starting to think it wasn't. I mean, I killed them with my own bare hands. I looked down at my hands. I killed them. I killed Edd. The sweet old Cola lover. He was just so caring and nice. I killed Matt. The person I was the closest with out of all of them. But he had a bad memory sometimes and he was a narcissist

But I still cared for him. He was my friend. He listened. He always listened. Even tho sometimes he doesn't remember what I've told him. But he stayed, and helped me. I killed Tom. Thomas. The first friend I've ever had in England. We were such good friends. That friendship ended. We started fighting a lot. But he was still my friend

I can't hate him. I didn't want to kill him. Not because he was a use to the Army. But I liked him. No, I loved him. Part of me still did. And I hate myself for that. But I hate myself for hurting them. For killing them. I mean, why should I continue? I belong in hell. They don't. I should be down in hell burning alive. I should've stayed down there when we went

I reached into my trench coat. My fingers feeling a familiar softness. I pulled out a familiar small brown bear. It was Tomee Bear. I had taken him so I could kidnap Tom. Just so he'd be destracted. But, this is just a bad memory. It reminds me of him. I would hug it sometimes. It made me feel better

I gazed at my arms. I've done enough to them didn't I? Or, should I do more? I deserve it. Don't I? My arms deserve to be cut up until I'm bleeding out. I shouldn't be able to use them. They should be destroyed. Giving me a pain where it hurts just to touch or move. Like, being in an explosion.. That's not enough. Nothing is enough to repay what I did

Nothing is able to punish me for what I did. I shouldn't be trying anymore. Karma will come wouldn't she? I can't run from her forever. I don't want to run anymore. I want to stop. I'm tired. And so I'll just end this race. I'll end this guilt. This pain. This sorrow. How? Easy. Escape. Just like everyone else

Just escape this world. Only to be forgotten by people who promised to remember you. But who would want to remember me? One day I'll be forgotten and no on will care. No one will know. I'll just be another one of those lost souls that won't be found again. That would be all alone. One that will be forgotten forever

Is anything good? No. Am I good? Definitely not. But can I change that? Yes I can. But would it be worth it? No. It won't pay off. So why? What is left for me? I lost what was most important to me. Because of what I did. I lost the people I cared about the most. I mean, who's gonna miss me?

Is anyone gonna miss me if I'm gone? Is anyone going to notice? What if I leave? What if.. I kill myself..? No one will notice will they? I'm just getting rid of a problem. I looked at my desk. My gun laid on it. One shoot and it'd be done. But it shouldn't be painless

It should be painful. Like I did to Tom. But worse. I stood up and grabbed my knife, staring at it. Just, plunge it into my stomach. Anywhere on my torso. Many times. And twist it. The same way I hurt Thomas. Maybe add three bullets as well?

I looked at my gun and grabbed it since I know I wouldn't be able to get up and grab it. It'll be easy Tord. Just finish this. I gripped both of the weapons in my hands and let out a breath

"Just do what you did to them.." I muttered