CK'S JOURNAL

Saturday, 28 November 2020

I say my change was drastic because I went from always having something to say about everything to never opening my mouth even when the teacher called my name. I NEVER TALKED IN CLASS. NEVER!

All of the teachers thought I had a problem. They thought maybe I'm living in a bad environment back at home. Everytime they ask me if I'm okay, I think back to when I'm at home. Guess what? I am the most loudest person at home! I was still the same talkative me. Not the quiet me.

One of the teachers even got pissed at my quiet behaviour and was always complaining. Until one day, we got our test results back for English. I got an A while the rest of the class was kind of flunking. He never complained about me anymore after that. In fact, he was always complimenting me. 😂 That was a complete 180.

Situations like this actually made me more enemies. The 'popular' girls to be exact. See, I was friends with them before I became quiet. They were also the ones complaining about me being loud. They are also the ones constantly asking me 'Why are you so quiet?'

The whole situation, now that I think about it, my God, too damn hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣

Hold up. I'm just gonna read everything from the top again cuz I have no idea where I'm going with this. 😂😂 I'm so lost.

~~

I'm back!

Right, so, yeah. I became a quiet girl and I really thought it would only last for the first year I was not in the same class as my best friend. But, I guess being quiet for a whole year changed me completely.

The next year, the last year of primary school, I was in the same class as my best friend again. I was so happy at the time and really thought I can be me again.

I was dead wrong!

All the 'popular' girls still try to make me look bad in front of her. I don't know why they even try to break up our friendship. It's not like I don't allow them to be friends with her.

Yes, most of my school years, I always end up in the same class as most of the 'popular' girls. That was some horrible luck. 😂

To make this a bit short cuz it's already so damn long 🤣🤣, I still couldn't ignore all the things they say or do to make me feel like I'm worthless. As if I don't deserve such a friend. As if I am not up to her (my best friend) level to be friends with her.

In the end, I ended our friendship. I gave back all the presents she ever gave me for my birthdays - which wasn't a lot but it still meant something to me. She didn't want to accept the presents back but I insisted that she take it. She took it all except for one present. A book, The BFG, it was her favourite book and it wasn't newly bought. It was her book but she gave it to me because she noticed that I like to read.

She told me to keep that book at least. I did kept the book. I still have it to this day. Before you guys start assuming this is like the last time we ever interacted with each other, no, it wasn't.

I broke our friendship by the end of the school year. Then, when we went to secondary school, she transferred to a different school. Now, we are no longer in the same school.

That is a good thing. Why? Because now the 'popular' girls who also go to the same secondary school with me (some of them are also in the same class as me *sigh*) can no longer break us apart. Cuz we are.

Little did they know I contacted my best friend and reconciled with her. I really felt stupid for ending things the way I did. So, I apologized and she was pretty cool about it. She didn't really take it personally. She just thought something was off but couldn't really tell what was wrong.

Even though we never got a chance to see each other again after that, we were still friends for the next 8/9 years. That's a long time. We were friends for more than 10 years.

Yes, you read that right. We WERE friends. Sadly, as we grow older, I feel like we drifted apart. At least on my part, I can't even see her as a friend anymore. We don't click like we did the first time we met. So, I just stopped contacting her. Cuz I thought, what's the point?

She might not feel the same way. She might still think everything's okay between us but, well, this is why I hate the fact that I became a quiet girl sometimes.

AHAH! The story finally comes full circle! Back to the reason I started this entry! 🤪

Being a quiet girl doesn't mean I don't face any conflict or any problems in my life. In fact, it gave me more problems and everything around me just messes with my head, a lot.

I was depressed but didn't even know that was what I'm experiencing. I have horrible anxiety but just thought, everyone feels like this too sometimes. It's not just me.

I was so wrong. All of this made me have constant suicidal thoughts at a very young age. My parents don't know about this. Only recently did I finally exploded and now my parents know that I'm suicidal.

Back then, I would have attempted suicide, but now, no matter how many times I have suicidal thoughts, I would never do it. Killing myself will not help anyone let alone me.

It is this constant thought process where everyone hates me for being me (the quiet girl) that made me think I'm supposed to not exist. People like me should not exist. Quiet people cannot exist. The amount of friends I made throughout my whole life, I can count them on one hand.

Not many was able to accept me for who I've become. My parents were shocked at my change too, my dad especially, cuz he thought I was going to be the one causing him the most trouble since I was a very wild kid. 🤣🤣

Oh, how wrong he was! I'm the only one who has caused the least troubles among my siblings. In fact, the troubles I've caused isn't even that big of a deal.

Anyways, in my situation now, if no one can bear with me for the first few months that I am quiet, or be able to find a way to talk to me immediately, then no one can ever be my friend. Not because I don't want to be friends with them but because they will give up first.

I get it. I really do. It's hard trying to talk to someone who doesn't talk much. But, trust me when I say, if you hit the right topic, I won't know how to stop talking. The few friends that I have are the ones who tried over and over again to talk to me even if I give them one word answers.

Only one of them truly saw the real side of me. The me that I left ages ago. She may have gotten like a golden ticket to get there immediately but who cares? I don't care. That golden ticket made her someone I want to cherish forever. She's the only friend who never messages me just because they want something from me.

She's the only one who truly cares even though we rarely talk. I know she would be there for me when I need her.

What I'm trying to say here is that, to whoever is in the process of getting to know me, please be patient. It takes time for me to get comfortable with anyone. I don't let people in my life easily, now especially, cuz I get attached way too fast. I will only end up hurting myself in the end if things go downhill between us.

I will think it's my fault, I caused it. I really will hurt my own heart. No one has ever broken my heart except for me. I'm causing myself pain but I could have avoided all of this if I just don't interact with anyone.

I don't want that though. Not being able to talk to anyone at all will just hurt me more. This is also the reason why I started this journal again now. At the very least, I want to lessen the pain.

I know not a lot of people read this but the ones who do, thank you for listening to me rant. It may not seem like much but writing my feelings down really lessens the pain in my heart.

I really mean it when I say it feels like I left parts of the pain on paper so I no longer have to carry them all with me.

This is one long and serious entry. I really appreciate those who took their time to read this at all. Thank you guys for listening!

You guys are awesome!

Sincerely,
CK Salma