Ranting about my stupid first world problems

It's Me Again

A/N:
Hey guys if anyone ever reads this and enjoys hearing how I feel or seeing that they aren't alone and that people are struggling through the same things as them. Just a heads up I definitely don't have my shit together and please do not seek me out so as to rant although you may rant in the comment section, please type a comment saying trigger warning then reply to it so that other readers are not exposed to possibly triggering themes.
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Dear Diary,

           I've been trying my best to be okay but everyday it's been getting harder and harder to breathe, the feeling, the fear that I might fall and fail the people I care about it's too much pressure.

It's been a while since I've talked to you and I've missed our long talks where you listen to every little thing that I say.

I always have appreciated the fact that you never interrupt me like the people who call themselves my friends do, they never let me talk all they do is interrupt me.

I hate to say it diary but, I'm drunk as fuck.

I didn't want to feel anymore, so you already know what I did.

       ~Earlier today~

I'm gonna stop moping around and hop into a party (aka a voice-chat as ps4 players call it) and talk to my friends.

Out of the 12 people in the group only Vyrse joined.

We talked for a bit and I laughed pretty fricking hard.

In the end I walked away for a bit thinking maybe I should get drunk, but at the same time going to look for my vape seeing as I was beginning to go through withdrawals even though I've been thinking about quitting for a little bit.

In the end I was gone for a bit too long and when I came back Vyrse had left the party and it was just me myself and I.

I ended up messaging Berry one of my close friends whom I also know as Hunter.

I messaged him, and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie on netflix even though he lives in New York and is multiple hours ahead of me (we do this every so often where I count down and then we start the movie at the same time while we are in a party then we start the movie when I say "go")

We decided we were gonna watch a movie since he agreed to watch a movie with me

In the end I was just happy when we got into a VC (Video-chat) and we were talking

Due to the fact that I was laughing really hard, he asked me if I was drunk and I replied with "no I am sober" although I sent it on Instagram due to the fact that I have strict parents and I couldn't say it out loud sinc I'm not allowed to have the ps4 in my room and it's therefore in the living room.

He then told me "well you should get drunk."

I got pissed off because this made me feel as though he perfered me when I'm drunk.

He kept saying "British: knowing that when I'm drunk if you say this to me then I will start to talk in a British accent when I'm drunk.

Also knowing him I know that when I say, "OwO" or talk in a British accent he gets turned on.

When I think about this when I am sober, it just striaght up pisses me off because I know that in a sense he was trying to use me and it akes me so upset and I legit was messaging my friend SeranWrap (using different names so people can't find ps4 usernames)

I was telling her how Berry is pissing me off and she told me that I should take a break from "Earth" the game that we always play (code words for privacy and so as to not expose people)

To get out of the VC I told Berry that I had to get up early this next morning and go to breakfast really early in the morning and that I have trouble sleeping hence the reason that I was leaving so early and that I needed to go so early even though it was only 8pm my time and 11pm his time.

In the end after I got out of the party I ranted a bit too much to SeranWrap telling her it is so hard for meto fight the urge to get drunk rn especially since I've been getting drunk every night for the past 4 nights.

I just don't wanna feel anymore and getting drunk for the most part makes me numb except for rn while I'm writing in my diary and telling them how I don't wanna feel.

       ~End of Flashback~

In the end I am listening to sad music from my sad music playlist and telling myslef in my head how much I don't wanna be here.

I have a whole bottle of wine that I have already drank about half of and I can't walk straight an although I can still somehow type I wanna finish this bottle until I'm numb as hell

Hitting my vape and chugging more an more alcohol the more that I feel because of this music.

Listening to "You don't know" by Katelyn Tarver

I have listening to this song so many goddamn times but it still hits just as hard as it did the first time that I listened to it.

At this point in time it is almost 12 O'Clock and I have tear-stained eyes.

I want to tell my parents how much I wanna die.

I wanna go bakc to in-patient and get actual help this time around instead of faking my way out.

But if I did that, I would be in, in-patient for literal months.

I would end up in a residental at least that what I remember it being called stuck in a home where they force me to take my Adhd meds when I could be selling them to drug dealers every month, making about 1,800 dollars per year.

Right now I will admit that I am trying to reach about 1,00 words in this chapter.

At the same time I am trying to tell everyone how I feel how I hurt how I wanna carve my name into the wall, before I kill myself before I cut along my vein and bleed out, how I have cried and how I have felt all of this pain that I have felt.

I honestly crave for my parents to find this and to cry their eyes out and to see how their perfect little girl isn't so perfect.

Some days I want them to wake up and not see me then to come in my room and see me laying there, breathless because I'm dead

I know that most people would say that I am genuinely fucked up for thinking this way, but who cares.

I didn't choose to be made this way to be f=programe this way to think this way to want to die to want to hurt the people who care.

To be addicted to multiple substance and to want to take my life

I'm sorry Mom and Dad, youre daughter isn't as perfect as she seems.

She may get perfect grades and seem oh so fucking perfect but you know what fuck grades, fuck outward appearances, she's is not fucking okay.

Get that into your fucking head okay?

She is not okay and she wants to tell you, but she can't because she genuinely hates seeing people hurt.

She wants to be FUCKING OKAY BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE ISN'T AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING TELL YOU.