Bound By A Letter

The Letter

My Love

I’m sitting under our special tree in the back yard looking at the engraving of our names in a heart. We added Annie’s name when we found out that we were going to have a little girl. Do you remember the day we chose her name? We were waiting for the revealing of the gender but at that time my health was taking a turn for the worst. At that moment she started kicking like a soccer player. I think at that moment you only wanted to make me feel better so you joked around saying that there was no way we were having a boy. So you decided to put a wager on it. If it was a boy that you would get up at any hour to get whatever craving I would have at that time, if it was a girl you would get to pick a name. I had a feeling it was going to be a boy but needless to say with as much scepticism I agreed. The doctor looked at both of us with a grin and revealed that she was indeed a girl. You looked at me with so much pride and whispered Annie. You didn’t second guess yourself. You asked me if I knew what it meant and when I shook my head already feeling the lump in my throat, you proceeded in telling me the meaning. Blessed, you said and when I looked at you confused and you said with sadness in your eyes that she will be blessed to have me as a mother to give up everything to have her. I swear I fell in love with you all over again.

I have written so many letters over the course of a few months but I feel that this might be the most important one of them all. I need to say a few things to you. I would have done it face to face but knowing myself my emotions would have gotten the best of me. I wouldn’t be able to say all that needs to be said, so please be patient with me.

Firstly I need to apologize. I know you would tell me that it’s not necessary, to just remember you did it because you loved me. You still need to know that I am sorry. I know that the last year, no actually since I’ve been diagnosed two years ago, has been rough. You have stood by my side through all the ups and downs and believe me I know there was more downs than ups. It hurt you when I went against your wishes and decided in proceeding to have a baby. It meant the world to me that against all the fights and disagreements that you still decided to stand by my side. 

Secondly I know you don’t want to hear it but I might not survive after our baby girl is born. I need you to be strong for our girl. I need you to survive this and not die with me. Do not punish her or blame her if I don’t make it. I know you are not that kind of a person but grief can change a person beyond recognition. You are the anchor that keeps me grounded and she will be yours. 

We have survived what seemed at that moment as the worst of times. We have been blessed to have a love that not only shaped our relationship but shaped the person that we are now. I hope you cherish the memories we made and share it with our little girl. She needs to know that I loved you with every fibre of my being. I need her to know that even though she never met me that I loved her without a doubt.

Which brings me to my last point I need to say. Even though our love feels like a once in a lifetime love doesn’t mean that our hearts can’t love again. You may hate me for saying this but your heart will heal. Your heart will learn to love again. It might not be in a week or a month, hell it might even take years. Somehow I know you won’t be alone forever. Our girl will need someone to braid her hair, to talk about boys, to vent because you are being too protective. I know it hurts that I won’t be the one to share all the big and even the small moments with but I know you will be fine. You are the strongest person I know. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for making all my dreams come true.

I know you didn’t sign up for any of this when you said I do. We only had four years together. It felt like a lifetime with my one true love. You may not have been my first but forever you will be my last. I love you every second more until my last breath.

With all my love

Claire