Ranting!

17/11/20

Sorry! I've been extremely busy writing One more year and didn't think I should give any spoilers. I mean, that would suck.

So here I am! Three(or more cause I ran out of data) days late! Giving you an update on my very.......unique life?

What I'm doing right now: wearing a big green shirt, blue ripped jeans sitting on my bed buried in pillows with my phone in hand and headphones on. Basically my daily ritual.

Today was quite eventful. I fell asleep some time past 11 last night which is a huge improvement from 4am!!! But I woke up at 5☹. Without an alarm. That really sucked.

So I woke up and realised I had forgotten to do two questions in my English homework. All of a sudden I was happy I had woken up so early. But the problem was....I knew the answer to one question. It was actually easy. But the other question wasn't easy at all.

After some time, I had to accept it. I didn't know the answer.

Backstory before I continue: I am a very academically obsessed person. I'm not good at sports(not that I really want to be), I'm not attractive in anyway including my personality, I have pressure from everyone(parents, friends, siblings, family. Everyone). I feel like academics are/is all I have. My mum says school isn't everything but it's my everything. If I loose that I feel like I'll be nothing. Just. Another person filling space in the world.

I panicked. I don't know what happened but I started shaking and I couldn't breathe. I tried to breathe but it wasn't working. I didn't feel air in my lungs. It felt like they were collapsing. Going into that void. I couldnt breathe and I wanted to ask for help. But I didn't want to be an even bigger bother. And everyone would probably say I was over reacting so what was the point? I just lay on the floor and tried to breathe. It didn't work at first. But it eventually did.

Those are my 'panic attacks'. All of  the people that know about this said that they're panic attacks but I don't know. They seem too minor. I've never fainted before. But. What if they're minor panic attacks. Tell me what you think. Cause idk.

Anyway, the rest of the morning was normal. Except for the fact that I left for school 20minutes earlier than usual. But who's complaining?

Pacific and I talked alot in the morning. We left the two lovebirds alone in class and went to the lockers. None of us remembered what subjects we had so we had to go all the way back to class. Lol.

Time skip wooooooooosh!

Well being!

Well being isn't really a class. It's more of a group therapy session. Today we talked about racism mainly. But there was a point where stereotypes came up too. There I talked. Alot. I'm 'supposed to be a nerd'. Like, if you have assumptions then get that head get that bread then leave!(If you get the reference I like you already).

French!

French was French. Not much happened. Oh. I feel like Pacific and Jaelynn are planning something. Something dangerous. Some thing dangerous that involves Kai. Yeah.......you can figure the rest out right? No? Okay look for clues.

Free period! Or not:(

We were in the uhhhhhhhhh weird cafeteria free period place......I really need to learn what the heck that place is called. Whatever! So, the year 9s were really loud, very misbehaved but we got sent to a class! That was so unfair and it was......it sucked!!!!! Urghhhhhh.

Business!

Not boring. Not super fun. I know my descriptions in some of these lessons suck but nothing particularly interesting happened.

Break time!

Loads of spying with Pacific, Jaelynn, Lilith and Clara. Okay not spying but we don't just sit down during break. Let's just say we keep our options open. Lol.

English!

We got a surprise test! A! Surprise! Test! And we had to do some creative writing thing for a leaflet. I've never written anything for a leaflet before. And the teacher said he won't mark it if it doesn't have a plan. So I had to figure out how to write a leaflet thingy and plan for it in 20 minutes!!!! But I managed to finish before time was up. Weird huh?

Wait....what did we have after English again? Oh yes.

Math! Double period!

Topic: Calculating data.
Only few people in the class have textbooks so we had to be put into groups. Basically each row was a group. I was with Issa, Lisa and Zack.

Issa and Lisa get side tracked very easily. We had to come up with more than 10 questions for a survey that we would give to the other group. Almost all the work was done by Zack and I.

Then Mr. Bennett gave us work that was in the textbook. When Zack and I tried to find the answer, we couldnt. We were blank. Just like I had been that very same morning.

I felt panic coursing through my veins again and suddenly the levels of oxygen had dropped. It started small. Just rapid breathing. Zack noticed.

He asked "why are you breathing like that?"

I replied with a simple I don't know. Which didn't help. It reminded me of not knowing the answers. I had to leave. So I rushed to Mr. Bennett's desk and asked to go to the bathroom. He said yes. And I rushed out of the class.

When I calmed down enough, the bell had rung and it was time for history. I walked back into the class to find Jaelynn packing my stuff....sort of. XD.

History!

History was mainly revision. Well. Almost every class is revision. Next week we have exams. Yay(note the sarcasm). My hands were still shaking. I hated it. Why couldn't it just stop?! I told Jae about it but she was sitting too far from me to notice.

Pacific on the other hand. She noticed. She tried making me focus on a pen lid. It didn't work. My mind is always too busy to focus on one thing. My hands eventually stopped shaking and I was able to put on the 'happy Lilac' face back on which fools many. Many meaning everyone.

Schools over!

I was in the car with my dad and he asked how my day was. I told him the same 'good' and was about to expand with tiny points when he received a call. Thank whoever that is. I didn't really want to talk.

2 attacks in one day? That's not okay.

Haha it's funny how some people I know are on wattpad and may happen to be reading this. Don't treat me any differently than before. That won't help. That's all I have to say.

Sorry for this long as heck rant! I just had alot to say. If you read it all, I really need to reward you with something. Don't be shy, comment.

I gotta go now!

Duces✌
-Lila