The Last Note

It's all over

She sat there. At her desk with nothing but a piece of paper: a note. A note that supposedly would answer all, all the questions that plagued her thoughts for the last couple of months. The answers she so desperately wanted and now that they are here in front of her, all she could do was sit there; staring at the note; anxiously fidgeting with her hands. Needless to say, she was scared. No, scared's not the right word. Terrified. She was terrified. Terrified of the fact that once she opens said note she'll get all the answers and it will be over. Everything will be over. After weeks of wanting, wanting to know why She did what She did; wanting to know why She left; wanting closure. And now she could have it. All she had to do was pick up the note and read it. But it all became too much.

Suddenly all the oxygen in her lungs disappeared, she couldn't breathe. It was as if the reality of the situation had just hit her like a tonne of bricks; like the finality of if had just been made apparent. The weight of it all no longer terrified her. No...no is made her angry. Angry- furious. In that moment she was angrier than she has ever been before. She had to let it out somehow. So, she screamed, as loud and for as long and she could before she started to feel lightheaded. She stopped, took a deep breath, and screamed again but this one was not as loud or for as long. She stood up abruptly, almost regretting her decision because it made her even more lightheaded, she stumble a bit but got her footing back: picked up her chair and hurled it across her room and watched as if flew into her mirror shattering it completely, but she was too angry to care, she then spun on her heels and made a bee-line for her bed where she proceeded to throw her pillows and sheets onto the floor. It wasn't until her legs gave out that she realised that she was crying. So, she crawled over to the closest wall; rested her back against it; brought her knees right up to her chest; wrapped her arms around them; tucked her head into her knees and wept.

She cried. She cried for what felt like hours. She cried until there were no more tears. She was not upset, she was still very much angry- so angry, she didn't know what to do with herself, so she just sat there: silently stewing. She was fuming, at herself, for letting a note get under her skin and affect her like this, I mean it's a note. Just a stupid note. But, it's a note from Her.

Notes from Her used to fill her with joy and excitement; made her feel loved and appreciated. Cheesy as it was, she kept every note. She kept them in a cute little keep-sake box, in the bottom draw of her desk along with any photos she had of them and/ or of Her, as well as a drawing that She made of her a year ago. And a ring. Not one for a proposal. They way long away from getting married, not that, that was the case anymore. But one of promise. A promise that they would never give up one each other and to fight against the odds and for what they had. Oh, the irony in that, She was the one that came up with that promise. Just for Her to go and break it months later. The thought made her laugh humourlessly.

She pushed herself up off the wall and slowly made her way back to her desk. Picked up the note and went to sit on the edge of her now baren bed. She takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds, then lets it out shakily. She does this a couple of times trying to mentally prepare herself for what she was about to read. She closed her eyes for a couple seconds. Once she was as ready as she could be she opened her eyes and apprehensively took the note out of the envelope that it had been in. The note read:

Dear Ashley,
This will be my last note to you. And for that I am sorry. I know how you once loved and treasured these notes that I gave to you, that's probably not the case now. I wanted to tell you why I left. I hurt you in so many ways: physically, mentally and emotionally. I was toxic. I still am. You deserve so much more than me, you deserve the world and I wish I could be the one to give it to you. But I can't. I was scared, scared that the next time we fought I might say or do something that I couldn't take back and I know you are probably thinking that that's a stupid thing to say but its true. I love you so much that it hurts, and I don't know what to do with myself, so I take out on you and that's not fair. So, I left. I left for me so I could get help and not be like this anymore, but I left for you. I left so you could see that there is a whole world out there, full of exciting and new things and amazing people that are much better fitted for you. I would be lying if I said that the thought of another person cuddling with you, kissing you, touching you wasn't jarring and that I don't miss you because I do. I miss you so much, more than I could put into words. I miss your smile; I miss you laugh; I miss the way you could make anyone submit to you and got them to do what ever you wanted with just a look- a look so intimidating that it invoked fear into the poor souls that were on the receiving end of it- but in actual fact behind closed doors when it was just us, you were the softest and sweetest person I ever got to meet and fall in love with. I see now that I never deserved your love and It would have been incredibly selfish for me to stay. So, for once in my life I want to do the selfless thing and let you go. You need to do the same. You need to let me go. I know you're probably royally pissed at me right now and I understand why. But I hope that one day you'll realise that me leaving was the best thing for you.

With love and much regret,
~D

She just sat there, staring at the note that was in her hands. Eyes burning from the tears that were starting to form in the corners of her eyes. She just sat there, shaking, her body was violently shaking, but she refused to give in to the urge to cry. So, she just sat there staring at the note: shaking, for seconds. Minutes. It may have even been an hour before she moved. When she finally did, it was with quick and sharp movements. She got up from her spot went over to her desk opened the bottom draw and took out the keep-sake box. Then headed to over to her wardrobe making sure she avoided the shattered mirror shards. She took out all the hoodies and clothes that she either took from D or that D bought for her and took them outside. She chucked everything into a metal drum poured lighter fluid into it, stuck a match and dropped it in. The belongings were immediately consumed by flames. She watched as the flames burned away all the ties, she had left to D. As she watched, a single tear rolled down her cheek. It was over. Two and a half years and it was over, just, like that.