Outside

48

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The next few days were some of the worst days I'd experienced in a long time, I hadn't felt this pain since I broke up with Van.

The pain was slightly different though, I wasn't upset about Rory and I's break up. I wasn't upset that he left me and threw my things out in black bin bags and moving boxes.

I was upset that I spent more than a year with a man I thought loved me, a man I saw potential in, a man I thought would be my husband. Little did I know he would turn out to be my worst nightmare. Little did I know he would make me run back to my ex boyfriend, crying for help, fearful to go back to my own house.

I was upset that I left Van and then got with a man who couldn't have loved me less if he tried, I was upset that the years I could've spent with a man I truly loved, were spent defending myself when I was treated like shit.

It was New year's day now, I stayed with Van at his parent's place for a few days and then the day before New Year's eve, we came back to London. And although I felt like shit, Van and Larry did everything in their power to take care of me and take away my desire for the ground to just swallow me whole.

I decided to join them in going to the party Larry mentioned in the text. I didn't have anything better to do and I was in need of a lot of company, I was also in need of a night full of drinking and laughing with my friends.

Rory never let me drink, on special occasions he'd let me have a glass of wine but other than that, he was always so afraid of what might happen if I was to be drunk around him or his family. I was never one of those bad drunks and I told him plenty of times, so I guess it was just another way for him to control me.

I was currently sat in Van's bedroom back in London. There were a few bags here and there filled with my things as I had nowhere to put them as I had no home anymore, luckily Van allowed me to put them in his apartment for the time being, just until I found my own place.

Unfortunately, despite me buying my house and allowing Rory to move in with me, he refused to leave. He collected all of my belongings in bags and boxes and shoved them into my car, he called me to come and get them and I hadn't heard from him since that day.

It was weird, how many red flags and manipulated signs came out once Rory and I ended our relationship. I had so many flashbacks of him being the most manipulative, horrid man I'd ever met and they made me realise just how glad I was to be free of him. I just couldn't understand how I didn't notice them before, but I guessed it was just because I was so blinded by the false 'love' he smothered me in occasionally.

I had to quit my job at the high school because of him, I spent so much money on renting a house that now belonged to him, a house I found on my own, decorated on my own and lived in on my own... well, until Rory came along.

Luckily I still had my journalism, and enough money to rent an apartment in London. The downside was the fact that I'd have to start from the very bottom again. A shitty, undecorated apartment which I'd have to put my own time and effort into making it feel like home. I hadn't actually found an apartment yet, so Van had agreed to let me stay with him until I found one, which I appreciated massively.

I felt guilty though, he was doing so much for me and I had no way of thanking him, he was being sweeter than anyone had ever been to me and I couldn't have been more grateful for him. I just wished I had a way of showing him how much it all meant to me... how much he meant to me.