Outside

26

The cold breeze made me regret agreeing to come to Benji's party the second it froze the goosebumps in place on my skin. I'm nervous, I can't lie about that.

Nervous to hear his voice in the living room as he laughs along with everyone whilst I mope through the house in attempt to find any sort of excuse to get wasted.

Nervous to walk in and be greeted by people who most likely don't even know me as I pretend to smile and act as if I'm the happiest I've ever been when in reality it was my boredom and my loneliness which had brought me to agree to coming to the party in the first place.

Larry had told me a few hour ago that Van had to help Bondy with the drinks and that he wouldn't be able to pick me up to take me to their apartment. I didn't mind, in fact I was relieved that I wouldn't have to spend ten minutes of awkward silence in Van's presence. I was grateful that I could have longer to prepare myself. Thankful that instead of ten minutes of silence in a car, I could spend twenty in the fresh air with plenty of time to plan exactly how I'm going to react when I see the face of the boy I still, for some reason, adore.

"Y'alright lass? Took you a while" Larry says the second I walk through the door, a worried look on his face along with a weak smile, full of pity. Obviously directed towards my sorry self. It shouldn't even have been dark by the time I got to Larry's but it was pitch black when I pressed the buzzer for them to let me up to their apartment because I'd taken the longer route and it took ten minutes longer than it should have. Maybe that's why he looked so concerned.

"Went the longer way" I simply reply, hoping he'll just leave it at that and not ask question. I know Larry wouldn't ask me anything though, he's too drunk to care, "everyone already here?"

"Yeah come on in, get some drinks down you!" He laughs, the usual twinkle in his eyes returns almost instantly as he takes my hand and pulls me into the kitchen, "Lois is already here but she's probably on the balcony smoking with Van if yous wanna join 'em?" he chuckles and winks ever so subtly.

"I'll just wait here for her" I smile weakly and make my way towards the fridge where I'm sure I can find something strong enough to distract me from the weight on my shoulders.

When Larry leaves to clean up a spilled drink I instantly feel alone although I'm surrounded by people. But these people are all talking to each other whilst I'm leant against the counter top wondering why I can't just put my feet down on the floor and look for someone to talk to, or a way to look as if I'm actually having fun.

Humming to the groovy tune playing from the speaker from the living room, I look around the room for some sort of excuse to leave. Bodies are everywhere, either kissing or dancing- or both. it's hard to see through the crowd of people I don't even know the names of due to the cloud of smoke from the huge amount of people smoking in the room. I can't help but wonder if they're supposed to be smoking inside or whether Van wouldn't mind. Even if he did care he's too nice to tell them all to stop.

"How long have you been 'ere?" I hear a familiar voice from the doorway, and I instantly recognise it as Benji's, my heart warms at the sight of his wide smile.

"Happy birthday Ben" I smile widely at the sight of my friend, and he brings me into a rather comforting hug. "I've not been here long"

"Looks like you're havin' loads of fun" he chuckles into my hair before letting me go from his grip, bringing me back into the sudden cold of the air. It doesn't take my long to realise the cold breeze that had entered the room had come from the back door being swung open, revealing Lois and the man I'd been hoping not to see both laughing their hearts out. Though only one of the smiles stayed when the two of them spotted me standing there.