Outside

41

When I knocked on the door, Van was already sat beside it, he reached up to open it for me and his arm flopped back down to the floor, he looked horrible and I couldn't bear the sight of him in that state. His eyes were sunken in, darkness circled them and he had a frown line between his eyebrows, I hated seeing him like this, but it was a sight I was unfortunately used to.

I helped him up, practically carried him to the living room and carefully laid him on the sofa before getting him a glass of water and some pain killers. When I came back to the living room, he'd been sick on the floor beside the sofa and he was hunched over the edge. I sighed and placed the glass onto the side table and fetched some stuff to clean up with.

After I cleaned up, I sat with Van, let his head rest on my leg as I played with his hair and comforted him, knowing that it was the best thing to do right now rather than being mad at him for doing this to me.

"I'm so sorry Lyla... you don't deserve this, what the fuck are you still doing with me?" Van cried, shutting his eyes and letting a tear fall down the side of his head, I quickly stopped it with my finger and held my hand on his cheek, feeling somewhat guilty for slightly agreeing with him.

I loved Van with my whole heart, with every fibre of my body, I loved him more than anything in the world... but he was right, I didn't deserve sleepless nights worrying about him, I didn't deserve to hear his voice on the other end of a line instead of right in front of me, I didn't deserve to be alone everyday waiting for him to come home. I felt selfish, it was Van's dream, it was all he ever wanted... but I hated how it affected me.

"Van... I love you, okay? We can get through this, every relationship has a rough patch, some have more than just one... I know we can get through it, we'll be alright" I looked down at Van, not entirely sure what I was saying was true.

"No... you don't understand, it's not the same anymore... we're not the same anymore" Van said, "I think... I think we should take a little break..." His voice trailed off, and I realised he had just fallen asleep in the middle of his sentence.

My heart sank at his words... a break? We both knew what breaks meant, we'd spend a few weeks wallowing in loneliness, after those weeks we'd begin getting on with our own lives, meeting new people, doing our own thing, and then sooner or later one of us would cave in and call, tell them we miss them and we want them back. And we'd be back to square one, both knowing that neither of us were ready for a relationship and we weren't the type of people who wanted a 'forever', we both just wanted someone to help us escape from our shitty lives, we wanted freedom and we wanted change, and that's what we got for a while... but it ended, it changed and we both wanted different things now. I wanted to focus on myself, Van wanted to focus on the band and touring.

I ran my fingers through Van's hair as he slept peacefully unaware of the heart which had just shattered in my chest. I shouldn't have been hurting, I agreed with him... but it broke me all the same, I couldn't help the stabbing pain in my heart when I thought about what he said, did he really mean it?

Not long after I'd made myself a cup of tea and sat on the opposite sofa to Van, I heard the door open and Larry walked through, his eyes jumping from Van to me, and then back again. He was evidently confused, but he didn't ask what or why because he knew there was no point, I didn't know either.

"Cuppa?" Larry said, walking into the kitchen.

"No thanks, I've already got one" I replied, wondering how he didn't see it in my hands when he walked past.

"Y'alright love?" He asked with a somewhat serious but concerned tone, "you and Van... you're alright aren't you?"

"I think... I think me and Van just need to sort our own shit out before we can really be one hundred percent in this relationship... if I can even call it that anymore" I looked down at the brew in my hands, feeling tears stinging my eyes. I didn't want to cry, I hated crying over him, I'd done it way too much recently and I just couldn't anymore, I couldn't let myself.

"You know that if anything happens, I'll always be here for you and whatever happens with you and Van, I'd never let it get in the way of our friendship, I really do love you... and I hate seeing you like this, I hate when Van does shit like this to you... He might be my best mate but he can be a right asshole sometimes, and you're right... you both need to sort your own shit out before you carry on with your relationship because it's only gonna get worse if you carry on as you are" Larry said, surprising me as I didn't expect him to even be bothered about the situation as we'd been in similar ones many times before, it helped though... he was completely right, we'd never last if we just kept hurting each other like this.

"I just don't think he's ready for a proper serious relationship, Larry" I replied, "and that's all I want, a serious relationship but... but I don't think he can give that to me... or not yet at least"

"He'll come around, I promise you Lyla... he'll realise sooner or later that you're the best he's ever gonna get, you make him into a better man and I've never seen him so content and happy with his life" Larry smiled, switching on the TV and putting on Star Wars... just like usual.

I could only hope that Van would come to his senses and realise what he was doing to me, realise that I wasn't going to leave him but I wasn't going to just sit around and wait for him to get his shit together, I wasn't going to wait for him to love me.