Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 3

{ Mama, I just killed a man... put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger, now he's dead. Mama... life has just begun, and now I've gone and thrown it all away. }
- Queen

〰〰〰〰

I will not go gentle. I will fight and I will win. I will beat life at its own game. Sebastian does not say a single word as I lay down, still facing him though my hands shake. My hands shake and tremor as if my body is the Earth and my hands are continents. My bones are full of constellations and I want them to be released; I want them to shine in the open air.

Sebastian stands as I stare him down. And he does stare back. He stares back with the intensity of an ocean, and I feel as if I know he hears a whisper in the air. I know he hears a whisper in the air that is telling him to stay... it's telling him that tonight the nightmares will come whilst I am still awake, ripping open my flesh and finally letting the voices made of stars spill onto the sheets.

His eyes are beautiful. His eyes are so beautiful... and I want to remember them always. I want to remember them in the moment when the color fades from mine, and a fire is lit in his. And I feel as though mine are already faded, as I let myself relax into the pillows... let my muscles melt into the duvet.

Soon it will all be over. Soon Sebastian will have all the more reason to resent me. Soon he will not have to worry over things he surely doesn't anyway. Soon everything will be but a memory; a blank page in a story that will never be finished. Soon the ink will run as clear as a river, and all will be well again. Soon I will not have to love a monster. Soon this monster will not be forced to love me.

I feel an elation that is mixed with my fear and sadness... blending in with the mossy ground where I will soon lay. The tight prickle still bites at my eyes and I do not know for what reason, but my vision blurs... but I feel the urge to smile. I do. I do smile; a small, upturning of my lips. I am smiling at Sebastian, and he simply looks at me... though I see a fire kindling behind his eyes made of glass. It only lasts a moment, for I know that all must be well. All must be well. And a sad, stoic boy smiling does not mean well.

I turn over, a signal for the servant to leave the empty room. A signal for this servant to leave this meaningless space behind. He does. He leaves. He leaves me there, and though I have told myself numerous times that this is what I want... and that I knew this all would hurt... I cannot help but to feel my heart shrivel more. Sebastian leaves. He leaves and he subtly left the still-burning candelabra on the nightstand, the door clicking shut behind him. But soon I cannot see the candles. Soon I cannot see at all, for now I know that there are tears clouding my irises.

I let the tears come, yet I do not sob as they fall to the silken sheets and pillow cases. My life has been broken beyond repair. This is not what Mother wanted. She wanted me to live. Mother and Father wanted me to get out alive. I had. I had gotten out alive from the fire... but nobody does. Nobody gets out of this life alive. We all try so hard to evade the inevitable. We all try so hard to run from death. But I am tired of running. My legs have failed me and so has my heart. My heart has failed the ones I love and loved.

I sit up, the salty tears still burning lines down my cheeks. I do not want to reach under the pillow. Though I have much pride, I must admit that I am afraid. I am so, so afraid. I want my life... I want my life so bad. But I have done everything I can. I trust no one.... the only trust I had to reserve... the only trust I had to give has been wasted on Sebastian. Tears are worthless. I am worthless. I have been weak. I have been defiant to the point of shattering, and now I will not go gentle. I will not go gentle. I refuse to let fate rule over free will.

I reach under the pillow. I reach under the pillow quickly, not looking back. My fingertips touch the cold metal of the gun, and it makes such a sweet, satisfying noise as I pull it from the silk. The feeling of that cool metal weapon is all too much, and a sob rips its way from my throat as I hold the thing in my hands. I cry out loud again. I cry a hoarse, throaty cry and clamp my hand over my mouth, breathing heavy as my still-shaking hands bring the object into view.

The glistening metal shines in the candlelight as I look down at it. Then, my gaze is pulled towards the sky. My gaze is pulled heavenward, and I know that is not where I am destined... I know that if Mother and Father are waiting for me, they will be waiting for an eternity, for there is no place in heaven for souls who have been damned by the wicked.

"I'm sorry."

I whisper through my tears. I whisper through all the lies people have promised me. I whisper an apology to my parents... to my wonderful and loyal servants. I whisper an apology to everyone and anyone who I am about to let down. I whisper and apology to Sebastian, for he will surely be the one to find me. I whisper this apology only because my last words are lost, for there is no one around to hear them. My remorse will fall of deaf ears. There is no one around. There is no one around to accept my words.

I look back down at the gun in my hands, and I know that I am a true killer. I have slain, I have murdered and lied... I have attempted revenge, yet I suppose if I take away the prize, there is no game to play. If there is no game, there is no one to play it. But it is all over, now. Everything is over.

All thoughts leave my mind. I let myself slip into numbness as my hand drops to my side, the one holding the metal rising up to meet the side of my head. And I shake. I am shaking badly as I press the barrel harder onto my hair. I am done. I am done so I can forgive. I forgive myself for all that I have done. I forgive myself for all that has been done to me. This is what I want.

And I pull the tigger.

I whisper through my tears... this is what I want.

I am so, so afraid.