Do Not Go Gentle

Chapter 15

{ I was never insane... except upon occasions when my heart was touched. }

- Edgar Allan Poe

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"I Do not care whether or not the reason is valid!"

"Please, my lord. Think of your paretns... think of the Phantomhive nobility."

Tanaka's sweet and calming voice seeps through the crevices in my mind, trying to make sense of every rampaging thought that destroys every rational barrier in my head. All remembrances of Lizzie being an important member of upper-class society is gone. Every inch of me loathes her existence. Because perhaps... maybe if she weren't here, it wouldn't have been so awful of me to love Sebastian instead.

But he is long gone. And I must focus on convincing Tanaka of my reasoning... even if there is none.

"But I just cannot marry her, Tanaka! I know it is awful of me, but I simply do not love her."

His cool grey eyes are far steadier than mine as he stares through my penetrating voice. He's always been smarter than I am... and I know this well enough. He should be smarter, after all... he is far older and wiser than I ever thought I could be.

"What does love have to do with it?"

And the air around me stiffens and grows colder than the darkest parts of winter.

Because he is right. And love has never had anything to do with it.

"It's high time you face your responsibilities, Ciel. And do forgive me if I am speaking out of turn... but you are nearly eighteen, now. And when those few weeks pass by and you have another year under your belt people will start expecting things from you."

I stare at him for a moment. Of course he is completely right. I've been waiting for this year to come and I have been saving my rational mind for another time; a time that has always seemed so far away. And now, the crushing reality is that that time has come. I am not a child any longer. My open window of time wherein I did not have to worry is narrowing by the moment and I marvel at how burdened I once thought I was. I knew nothing of the stresses of growing up.

"Besides, Elizabeth is a lovely young woman. I am quite certain she will make a wonderful mother one day."

I try not to flinch when he says this, but I think I must... because he turns away with the shake of his head.

It seems to me that every conversation I've had since that damned demon's death has been so utterly useless and mundane. Every word I've spoken to another seems so careless and devoid of any meaning. But, oh... the words I could speak to Sebastian could move mountains with their importance and strength. I could spend a mere second contemplating a phrase that I would have to think about for years, now. And I suppose perhaps it is just that children make far better poets than anyone else. Perhaps demons are the only close second. Perhaps even Poe himself was reclusive and morbid for a reason.

Elizabeth used to be so energetic and overwhelming... but ever since I changed... ever since I began to shut myself out of anything worth while in life she's becoming something reserved and bittersweet. Her presence can sweep you up into something so elaborate that you'd have to close your eyes in order to shield them from hers. And the only thing I can think when I do stare into those swimming pools of vision is that she knows... she must've known. She must've known everything. But I do not have the intention to ask her, nor will I ever. Because some curiosities are never meant to be spoken. Sometimes they are never meant to be heard.

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And then December 14th, 1894 came... and everything is blanketed in a snow that seems like it will never melt.