Tomboy

Chapter 14

Nobody could help me decide what to do about Jake. I talked to Mom first after she came home from the funeral. She listened to me explain that he had asked me out, and I wasn't sure what to do. "But you said that you like him," she said.

"I do, but I liked being just friends with him." I twisted her bedspread in my hands as I sat on her bed.

"And Jake wants more than that." Mom was sitting beside me. We were in her room with the door closed.

I didn't want Connor to hear this conversation, even though he knew more about the situation than Mom did. She didn't need to know about what happened in my room. "He says that he can't go back to being just friends." I looked down at my hands. "We kissed a few times."

"If you like him enough to kiss him more than once, then you must like him enough to go out with him. What's holding you back, Cam?"

"I'm afraid." This wasn't an easy thing for me to admit. When it came to physical fear, my instinct was to overcome it. "Things start off great in relationships, but then they end."

"That's not true," Mom insisted. "They don't always end."

"They do!" I cried. "You and Daddy used to be happy, but where is he now?"

"Oh, Cam." Mom hugged me.

I hugged her tight as I pulled myself back together. When our embrace ended, I was able to speak more calmly. "Don't you wish that it had never happened? That you could go back and make a different choice?"

Mom looked at me intently. "I could never wish that, Cam. Like you said, we were happy. Those memories are still with me, and I have you and Connor. I wouldn't trade that for anything."

I thought then that Mom might not be as physically strong as some people, but she had an inner strength that I admired. "But your life would have been easier in so many ways."

"Easier doesn't necessarily mean better," she said. "You know that saying about it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I'm one of those people who believes it. I can't tell you what to do, and I can't promise you that your relationship with Jake will last. There's no way to know that. I think in your heart, though, you already know what you want."

What was in my heart? I wasn't a person who spent a lot of time contemplating my feelings. Now I had to consider what Jake meant to me. It had been nice to spend time with him again, even if the atmosphere between us hadn't exactly been comfortable. I had missed him, and I had realized how much of my childhood I had actually shared with him. Just like the incident with the window, a lot of it was things we had never spoken of afterwards.

I remembered the first time Daddy had failed to pick us up for our weekend visit with him. We were ten years old, and we had been waiting for him for hours. Since it was summer and we had no school, he was supposed to pick us up right after lunch that Friday. Mom had tried to call him repeatedly but got no answer. She had to call off work, because our babysitter already had plans for that evening. Connor got sick of waiting and said that he wanted to call Jake to come over. Mom asked me if I wanted to invite a friend too, but I said that I was going to ride my bike and took off out the door.

Daddy called late that night, and I picked up the phone in her room since she was in the bathroom. My father was drunk and slurring his words as he told me that he loved me more than anything in the world. Mom came into the room just as I was demanding to know why he hadn't shown up that day. She took the phone from me and told me to go back to bed. I saw Jake standing in the hallway, and Mom came out holding the phone.

"Go back to bed kids, please." She took the phone downstairs with her.

I waited until she disappeared from view and then sat down on the steps. Jake sat down beside me, and I could hear Mom talking in a hushed tone in the kitchen. I couldn't hear what she was saying, but I knew that she was just as upset as I was. Connor was either asleep, or he hadn't wanted to leave his room to find out what was happening.

Hot tears began to roll down my cheeks, and I couldn't stop them. Without saying a word, Jake put his arm around me, and I leaned into him and cried. We both scurried up the stairs when we heard Mom moving around in the kitchen. When she didn't immediately come upstairs, I walked over to Jake, who was standing in front of Connor's room, and I gave him a hug before returning to my room.

Thinking back on it now, I realized that Jake always seemed to be there for me. It was something that I had taken for granted until he removed himself from my life. I still saw him at school, but it wasn't the same. He wanted me to leave him alone until I made my final decision. It was that word final that made me realize how important this was to me. If I told him no this time, he would move on with his life without me. Maybe he would even get back with Madison.

I had seen her trying to flirt with him one day by his locker. He had looked decidedly uncomfortable as she placed her hand on his arm while she talked to him in a manner that disregarded his right to personal space. I had a good view of them from an advantageous angle around the corner. It had started with a desire to see him and had turned into spying when I saw Madison approach him. Jake said something to her and started to walk away. She had to hurry to keep up with his long-legged stride.

After what Jake had revealed to me about their first bedroom encounter, I viewed Madison's apology in a different light. She had just been fishing for information about my relationship with Jake. Why she would return with him to my bedroom after he called out my name while he was with her was something that made me mistrust her intensely. It seemed to me like she was playing a game, and I was her opponent. At least I was until I told her that Jake wasn't my boyfriend. She had then lost interest in me, because she hadn't spoken to me since.

I hadn't bothered to ask Kyle his opinion about Jake, since I already knew what he would say. He would ask me what I was waiting for. It took me three weeks to realize that Mom had been right. In my heart I had known all along what I wanted.

Kyle happened to be over my house doing homework with me when I made my decision. I had been looking at the same page of my history textbook for several minutes without reading a word. Jake and Connor were at their basketball game, and I wanted to go there immediately. Fortunately, it was a home game at our school.

Kyle was startled when I suddenly announced my intentions. "The game already started a while ago."

"I know, but I don't care. Will you drive me?" I asked as I stood up and left all my books on the kitchen table.

He drove me and asked me what was going on, but I told him not to break my concentration. I still hadn't worked out exactly what I would say to Jake, but I knew that I wanted to say it now. He was on the court playing the game when we arrived. Kyle followed me as I walked toward the sidelines and spotted Madison, who was a cheerleader.

"Hey, Madison." She looked at me in surprise as I approached her. "Last time we talked, I told you that Jake wasn't my boyfriend. He is now, so I would appreciate it if you would back off."

"Jake is your boyfriend!" Kyle exclaimed. "When did this happen?"

"It's about to happen now," I said right before the buzzer went off.

It was halftime, and Madison had to do her routine with the rest of the cheerleaders. Jake and Connor came over to see what Kyle and I were doing there.

I spoke before anyone else could say a word. "Hi, Jake. I decided that you're my boyfriend. I'm gonna go wait on the bleachers, and then I want to kiss you after the game is over."

Jake stared at me for a moment before a huge smile lit up his face. "The hell with that!"

I didn't have to wait until after the game for my kiss after all. Our team won the game too, but that didn't have anything to do with me.