Love

S.R.S

I stare at you sometimes and wonder if you know how hard it was to hold a girls hand without having a million doubts in my head. You don't know , you couldn't possibly know how hard it was for me to change the pronouns in my poems and songs from her to him. You couldn't possibly know how much courage i had to muster up to tell you that my lover is not exactly a 'him' as I know you would prefer. you couldn't possibly understand how much I scarred myself trying to love what you would accept , a man.

You were not there when I lost my first kiss to a girl and scrubbed my skin until I almost bled because I was ashamed of the fact that I let a girl whom you would not accept kiss me and , brush her hands against my arms and shoulders. I hated myself because I loved the way she touched me , I loved it in ways I could never love a man laying his fingers on me. I loved how she handled me and it made me sick to my stomach because I'd never want to disappoint you.

You know nothing about me , you know what I couldn't keep from you. Do you know how hard it's been? Do you know how hard it was coming out to my mother whilst she layed on her bed with her foot as black as the bitterness that brews inside of me now? Even when I've accepted myself , I still feel uncomfortable everytime you talk about the term "Homosexuality". The possibility of your rejection makes me uncomfortable in my own skin , that same skin I tried to wash clean because I let the hands of a women touch me. You saved me , you saved my life.

A part of who I am is because you raised me , how do I carry on if my saviour rejects me? I want nothing more than your acceptance , I don't want you to be disgusted when you see me kissing a girl that I might possibly be madly in love with. I don't want the love I give to be disgusting to you. Please accept me , I'm begging you! Accept me so I can truly accept myself. Let me step out of that dusty old closet that society had created for 'people like me'. Let me breath again , let me breath with your approval , the only approval I've ever needed.

-Liyah Smith